fake smiles
lies without hesitation
i believed

you believed i wouldn't

why?

best friend of my dear unrequited love
he who was there in the darkest days of back then
who slowly took my heart by storm with his whirlwind words
he holds me
he hugs me
he kisses me
and yet we cannot seem to figure ourselves out
what we have between us is unique
yet now he does not seem to register that I kiss back, too.
but he cares
and he worries
and he smiles
and he breathes
and that is quite enough for me.

You were such a treat to hear from
The opinions you gave made me realize my mistakes.
I'd give you feedback, reveling in the fact that, yes,
I WAS AN IDIOT.
But your answers soon drifted away
They became less and less frequent
Until one day, I found that our correspondence was gone.
Removed.
Deleted.
I feel like I went back hundreds of spaces on the game board of life that day.
What will it take to show you that it meant something to me?

To her, you are like an angel in her hell.
A goddess she only knows with words and videos.
A chipped smile she bears, fixed
She feels for you
Imitates your emotions on her keyboard
Laughs when you do
Frowns the same as you
Just because it makes her feel closer.
Miles and miles separate you but
You are close enough to touch.
She dreams about your movements.
Hopes for your words of acceptance.
You are the moon that brightens her dark nights
The sun that she depends on for life.
Your eyes keep her heart beating.
You are the wind beneath her wings,
The drug she uses to keep moving on.
Your smiles set her soul on fire with exuberance
Your lips make her hunger for more.
Each breath she takes sends you more love.

You are her everything, and nothing can break that.

Sneaking glances from the other side of the hallway
I smile desiringly to myself.
All I really want is to call you mine.
To hold your lithe body against my own.
To press my lips to yours.
To grab your hand and never let go.
Your eyes are as deep as the Marianas Trench
And as warm as a fire in the middle of winter.
I feel like you wear a cloak of depression and silence
But I know that deep within your veiled form
There is a bright sun wanting only to shine through
It does get its way sometimes
When a truly happy smile works its way to your face.
I know where you're coming from
We're alike in so many ways....
If only the space between us was gone.

855 miles between you and me.
But yet I feel your pain as if we were hand in hand.
I've given you the strength to keep on living
And you've given me the love I lack.
Baby girl, I worry about you.
Your tears are the rain outside my window
And your blood runs in my veins.
The emotions bottled up in your scarred body
Explode in my own heart as well.
Four more years, my lovely friend.
I expect to meet you there.
Please don't give up.

Sometimes I think that you four are my only hope
The only reason why I have not grown wings and a halo.
The beauty that sounds from your fingers and lips
Wraps itself around me, giving me protection I otherwise do not know.
Your words float into my heart and hold it in a gentle but strong embrace
Your music flows in my veins; it is my lifesource.

I've never gotten the chance to really thank you
For all the love and guidance you bestow me with.
But everyday I thank my lucky stars I found you.

You give me the will to go on
The power to not let anyone take me alive.
Whenever I cannot stand anything anymore
All I have to do is remind myself
That you will be with me.
And I am cured.

Dreams unobtained swirl through my cluttered mind
As I survey the souls surrounding me.
I see so much love and hurt and emotions too strong for names.
Some of which I want to be part of.
Right now, I have no idea how to manuver my way through this hallway of life
Do I stand up and tell?
Or do I hide behind my lies and stretched truths?
I don't know anything anymore
Because you say normal people don't do what it is I do.
Why I am trapped in this glass jar of confusion?
I guess I don't have the confidence to break through.

Tell me what's wrong
Tell me why you give me these nervous glances in the hallways
Cross your arms and look away.
Are you worried?
Unsure of how to talk to me?
Well, my skinny jeans and sweater classmate
I am happy to chat.
I am apt to say hello to you.....
But I guess I'm worried too.
Do you have hard feelings because of the Venus flytrap I pulled us into
The scary thread I wove with the needle labelled SUICIDE?
Do not worry, for that tapestry has long been torn in half.
I'd just like to be friendly.

Meeting someone who finally cared
Made my heart beam little rays of sunshine through my nerves.
I wanted to be the person you admired as well.

I was at a point in my life
Everything was changing.
I was transitioning from one end of the spectrum to the other.

Yet being the ditz I can be,
I let my fingers type out the words
"I was contemplating suicide."
Thinking only that'd you'd think someone who was in such a "dark" place
Could be a friend.

I now consider myself a monstrous idiot for not stopping my ravenous little digits
And thinking.
What would this cause me?

It caused me a long afternoon in a counselor's busy office
A long night in the hospital meant for those who actually were hurting
And an even longer day at school afterwards.
It caused me to worry everyone
When it was only my selfish little desires of being "that" girl.
The one who's been through so much, who's so cool because she's survived the pain
The one who is nevertheless on the edge.
When I wasn't.

I want to give you my complete, utter, sincere apology
For making your heart beat faster for the wrong reason.
For making your mind shake with worry.

It's about time they invented the time machine, don't you think?

Tonight is one of those nights
Where I just want to be with you.
I want to hold your hand
And run my fingers through your hair.
I want to be close to you
I want to feel your lips on mine

You make life worth living.

Holding hands behind the curtains
We talk of everything and nothing.

I can tell you're trying somewhat hard to impress me.
Doing funny, sometimes outrageous things to see me grin.

But do you really like me ?
I've heard rumors that you are after a different girl.

Trust me, I have nothing against her. She's quite a person.
But the mixed messages you leave in my emotional mail box
Confuse me.

So give me a sign to follow
Along the road leading up to your heart.
And maybe I'll come visit you.

Can we go back in time
To the day we met
One person unhappy,
The other shy.
Approaching me
You ask if you can sit.
I say sure, truthfully not caring who sat where.
You begin a conversation with me, asking what's up.
I say, I'm not feeling well. I'm tearing up.
You ask, why.
I explain.
Problems with idiots, naturally.
We talk about our likes and dislikes
We part, exchange numbers.

That week
We talk once more.
I feel, for some mind boggling reason
That I have to
Impress
you.
So I lie.
The worst mistake of my life.

The next day, I'm called into an office.
I meet the frightened faces of my parents
and a bored looking counselor.
I ask, why I am here.
I find that my lie sparked pain that took a long time to get over.

You cared about me
obviously.
But now, it seems you want your distance.

Have it your way.

Because I'm done pining after you, even as a friend.

Though...I wish things were different.

I guess I'm the third wheel
Trailing behind you two as we wander our way to lunch
Trying to match your pace.

If only I had someone who would let me in
Let me walk next to them
Hold my hand and smile at me

I think I'd be happy then.
But for now
Who knows where I'll go.

You all give out these knives to a conscience
Hiding behind your computer screens.
Beating me down
Laughing at my expense.
Not getting that I can be who ever the **** I want to be.

So what if I am ugly.
Your personality is too.

Even though I seem to have a solid exterior, an iron curtain around my feelings
My heart is crying.
You don't know where I have been
What scars and pain I still bear.

You call me
Ugly
Fat
Wannabe
*****
Hypocrite
Judgmental
Horrible Artist.

They hurt.
I know you know this.
You just hate me.

The reasons aren't always clear.

But it hurts just the same.

You all give out these knives to a conscience
Hiding behind your computer screens.
Beating me down
Laughing at my expense.
Not getting that I can be who ever the **** I want to be.

So what if I am ugly.
Your personality is too.

Even though I seem to have a solid exterior, an iron curtain around my feelings
My heart is crying.
You don't know where I have been
What scars and pain I still bear.

You call me
Ugly
Fat
Wannabe
*****
Hypocrite
Judgmental
Horrible Artist.

They hurt.
I know you know this.
You just hate me.

The reasons aren't always clear.

But it hurts just the same.

I wish you'd tell me I'm beautiful as well.
You find ways around saying the truth
That you don't care about me.
You tell me I'm myself and that's how you like it.
But then you tell the other girls they're gorgeous
Without giving a second thought to how I might be feeling.
Do you think that I don't care about my appearance
Just because I'm not as shallow as the others ?
I might have different morals then them.
But every female wants to hear that's she as pretty as pretty gets.

You seem to have a better relationship with them.
Is it because we started out on the wrong foot ?
Lies and hopeful dreams don't mix in this case.
So please, give me a sign that I matter to you.

Because you do matter to me.

I am sick of the way I'm treated.
Tricked, thrown in the trash like a piece of chewed up gum.
Being cheated into thinking utter lies.
I am no marionette any longer.
I live by my own rules
And I break them as I please.
It doesn't matter if I am cast from the little island of society.
I've been living on the rocks anyway.
I'd rather be independent than popular and queenly.
I leave behind the liars
Evil-doers
Users
Abusers.
I'm sick of it and I'm sick of you.
You're the flu, he's cholera, and she's AIDS.
Give me my freedom vaccine now.
The side effects aren't important.

Yes, I have problems.
I have ADHD. Depression. Once suicidal, twice suicidal. Lonely. Barely any friends.  Reject. Misfit.
But do you know what I don't have that you have ?
Boundaries. Walls to break down. People holding me back.  Fears.
Do you know what I have that you don't have ?
Esteem.  Confidence. The energy to go on.
You know, kid, you can do better than you are now. You can overcome the people that are preventing you from blossoming into a freakin' superstar.
You can drown them in your voice, in your music, in your words, your creativity.
You can do whatever it takes to get to the top. I don't mean the social ladder, I mean the success ladder.
You can do it.
I did, so you can.

As of today
My life is split in two.
There are the calm, uneventful days
Of lazy, relaxed words.
Then there are the days
Where the seven deadly sins, plus a sprinkling of tears
Drown me.
I struggle to keep my head above the surface
To stay alive.
Sometimes I  am successful
Others, the evils hold me down until
My heart stops and my lungs are filled with past regrets.
I scream silently.
The world goes dark
All my small truths are overridden by my horrid actions and feelings.
My life is being ****** out by the long since faded lies
The corset strings of existence are ever so tight now.
I am only human.
But that is not enough.
I now live in my own little sea of desperation.

[[ This is more of a letter than a poem. ]]

Hey.
So yea, I get it.
I took it too far.
And when the whole
SUICIDE
Thing exploded over our heads
Everything got twisted and warped.
I'm sorry, you know.
I was too eager to have someone there for me.
It's a trait of mine I suppose.
Lust and Envy are my sins that are displayed most obviously.
Hopefully we can remain friends
And not fall from grace again.
And when I say I love you
Do you know I mean that I just think you're amazing ?

I used to pray to you
Worship your existence
Wish we were together.

Now, I don't care if I see you again or not.
I'm over you
And I'll never want to be with you again.

I'm sick of all the girls
Crooning and whispering your name
In a seduced fashion.
You're old news
So make like a newspaper and
Throw yourself out.

I guess that was rude.

All I want you to know is
I don't need you like that any longer.
I don't really care if we talk again
For you are unnecessary to me.

I don't hate, you, no.
But I really could do without the stress
The hardship
The pain
When someone says your name.

Yes, I do get jealous seeing how obsessed and close to you some others are.
But I'm getting over it.
I've moved onto bigger, better men, let's say.

I'm sorry, but goodbye.

R.
That's who he is.
The little brother of my old idol
Replaced by another.
R. is a beautiful young man with
Soft brown hair
Deep eyes
Kissable lips.
He makes me want to smile, cry, scream, and sing
All at once.
His handsome body and being
Is all too inviting.

K.
That's his secret code name.
If it weren't for his beautiful eyes
His wistful smile
His compassionate being
we'd all call him by his real name.
He's too good to just have a regular name.
He needs a code name.
His chin, with its not quite grown up shape.
His lips, perfectly formed and with just a hint of color.
His voice, lilting but deep.
He's hard to describe
But that's why I truly love him now.

I know we've been through our share of hatred and hell
Turning a simple friendship into a war.
But with this new problem
Sometimes I don't know what will happen.
I gotta keep reminding you, reminding myself
Don't be worried, we'll pull through.

Remember the days of plain old laughter ?
When we were young children of eleven.
It seems so long ago, but it was only two years.
Nowadays, laughter is rare.
Under my breath, I have to say
Don't be worried, we'll pull through.

Okay, that's a lie.
I'm not sure whether we'll make it or not.
I'm really scared.
What's gonna happen when we hit high school ?
All I can say is
Don't be worried, we'll pull through.

...Will we ?

Does anyone know that itch you get when you see someone else
Taking the one you thought was yours ?
That little green bug of jealousy
Crawling around deep down under your skin.
That's how I feel right now.
Seeing those girls sweet talk you
Flirt with you.
It sickens me.
I should be everyone one of those girls.
I should be the one you love.
It's tearing me apart inside to see this.
Forget them.
Remember me.
I was the one who really loved you from the start.

Those girls don't love you !
I love you.
Me, and me alone.
If those girls get any closer to you
I'll tear their pretty little heads off
And crack their precious perfect fingernails.
Burn their expensive clothes with a flamethrower.
Take a staple gun to their high heels and Uggs.
I'd do anything to see you smile
To hear you laugh
To taste your lips.

You don't seem to see me
When those girls are around.
They fill your vision
Leave no room for me.

Do you think that
Since the suspected suicide attempt
I am weird and not to be talked to ?
Well you don't know it but
I wasn't gonna harm myself !
It was just a way that I thought
I could get you to see me.
To understand I'm not one of those girls
With the all pink wardrobe
And no combat boots
And no black
Who can't fend for herself.

Well I guess that was a fail.
I should never have ever uttered the word
"Suicide"
Because it ****** up my whole **** life.
Nowadays you seem to be reserved around me
Always alert for anything wrong.
I appreciate that you care.
But it's not how I need it to be.
I need you to just be chill around me
Not be so cautious.
Please.
Let's fix this.

Now that you've read that
Are you creeped out ?
When I say
"I love you"
I mean that
You are just the one I want to hang out with
To be friends with
To call you mine.
Maybe without getting too serious.
I just want to be known as yours
And you to be known as mine.
You could say it's love
But it's not exactly love.
You get it ?

Gosh
I feel better now
But I need you to be there
For me to feel perfect.
Thank you.

I miss you.
Even though we barely know each other.
We've barely talked.
Just met.
Even though I saw you a week ago.
It was like love at first sight
Perhaps.
To me, at least.
All I know is that
I need you.
Even though the miscommunications that Happened
Caused a lot of stress and worry.
Even though you have two other "wives".
Even though this might seem stalkerish.
Even though I feel left out
When other girls call your name
Then look at me as if I'm a little fly.
I know you'll come through.
I promise to.
Don't forget me.
I'm sorry.

Just leave.
Get.
I don't love you.
I never did.
People may think we're together
But truthfully
I despise your existence.
You disturb me in unexplainable ways.
Go the hell away.

There are days I want to stab you in the heart
Watch your blood flow down
Drink it up.
There are other days where I want to grab your face
Press my lips to yours
And stay that way.
We aren't moving anywhere, though.
You're not putting in effort
And all my tries seem invisible.
I just don't know what to do with you anymore.