and then there was nothing –
the company of his smile now lost
words have vanished
they no longer wrap me up
and hold me tight
blue eyes no longer see me
they’re gone now
all of them – gone
there is nothing now
just emptiness
space
silence
and a sun that laughs

I remember when you first came into my life.  I had another brother … not a sister … but another brother.  That was okay though.  I was your big sister and so I could look after you.

I remember brothers who ganged up on their big sister when she was left in charge.
  
I remember hours and hours of playing board games together and riding bikes up and down the street.

I remember the day you ran away from home.  We looked and looked for hours but you were nowhere to be found.  They called the police and then everyone was looking for you.  Hours later they found you in the bushland near home.  I still don’t really know why you ran away that day but I think I know.

I remember how you were always quiet.  Shy.  You preferred people not to notice you.

I remember your paintings, the comics you wrote.  They were amazing.

I remember your suffering through illness and the terrible things it did to you.
  
I remember the day I had to admit you to hospital.  It was so difficult to do.  You  did not want to be there.

I remember hoping and praying that you would be okay.  That you would recover and become all you could become.

I remember your last visit with me.  A goodbye that I did not realise was being said.

I remember the next day.  The day they told me I would never see you again.
  
I remember your poems.  The ones you left behind … the poems so hard to read … so full of pain.

I remember the beautiful letter you wrote me.

I remember an innocent boy and the kindest young man.

I remember a child of God who never wished to hurt anyone or anything.

I remember an idealist who imagined peace for the world.

I remember your love for me.
  
I remember a beautiful soul.

I remember you.

And I will never forget you.

What love is love? The question he does ask
A love most hard to find it would so seem
‘Tis pure and true this love of which we dream
And want so greatly now to find, unmask
Have faith! ‘Tis not an impossible task!
Is true love bound by passion so extreme?
Perhaps it is defined by great esteem
For those in whose sweet love we seek to bask

A love so true is chaste, tender, faithful
It knows no bounds to deep, warm affection
It does not take devotion for granted
It honours, worships and is respectful
It proffers commitment and protection
Such pure and precious love is enchanted

This moment when the night is all aglow
My heart awakens with a love for life
Yet misery still lingers just below
This moment when the night is all aglow
I long for right with all the world - you know
A world where peace and joy and food are rife
This moment when the night is all aglow
My heart awakens with a love for life

In her arms he gently rests
Swathed, secure and snug

Eyes, firmly closed
And mouth, rose-pink, puckered

A hand, so small and plump
The plastic bracelet – a greeting to new life

Proudly, she embraces him
Uncertainty etched on her face

Young, yet mature
Scared, but ready to begin

He sits beside them both
On the edge, almost afloat

With protective arms
He envelops them

A picture
painted with all the colours of imagination
hangs in the gallery of my mind
A beautiful image
and I can't help but gaze upon it with delight

I suspect it will hang there forever more

A sound
playing over and over again
in my ear
A voice --
your voice
unique and soothing
but becoming almost inaudible now
I try hard to remember it
and I ache to hear it

But I fear I may never hear it again

A wish
uttered countless times
rests now upon my lips
Yes, it rests
but only for a while --

*I will utter it again

O sweet daughter of mine, my heart you have
You had it at the start
I gave it with all my heart
to hold in yours; ne’er to part

Heaven-sent and unexpected
I found a thread of silver

It came to me in time of need
And delivered me a saviour

Under dismal cloud of despair
I’ve lingered much too long

I’ve felt my spirit fading fast
And hope was almost gone

But across the miles and the seas
A treasure most rare I’ve seen

It touched my soul and gave me strength
And a shoulder on which to lean

There is a truth in what they say
A silver lining can be found

In ev’ry cloud above our head
Silver threads of friendship abound

Troubled, bitter and dishevelled
          Out into the night he steps
Which way to turn he cannot fathom
         In limbo, confused and perplexed


Life’s path, no longer lucid
          Hidden beneath gnarled thoughts
Secreting the pledge made long ago
          And now proffering a murky course


Feelings gravely stained and worn
          Shed tears for love misplaced
They ache for consolation
          And her warm, gentle embrace


Promises broken and moments lost
          Empty darkness calls
Her nothingness so strangely appealing
          Then, dolefully, he staggers forth

I did not know my father
He was there when I was born
He named me Maria
And then he was gone

Another man raised me
It was he I called dad
He changed my name
Life was sad

I searched for my father
When I was grown
One day I found him
But who could have known

The stories I was told
Of the man I had not met
Were beyond belief
And difficult to forget

He had other children now
A successful man
I did not want trouble
So I made a plan

I went to see him
But did not tell who I was
I drank in his nearness
Then I left … because

I called him later
To tell we had met
It was strange
But I was no threat

A father and his daughter
Had crossed on life’s path
They spoke for the first time
It would be the last

In time this river will run dry
though now it flows fast and free
boundless and untamed
it knows no fear
it is not tranquil and composed
but ruthless;
brutal

Carried harshly in its fierce flow
I have nothing left within
to fight the torrent that surrounds me
that time and time again
compels me downwards
beneath frenzied eddies of rage and despair

Now and then this river releases her hold
and I struggle to resurface
I am beaten
I am near willing to drown;
to end misery --
overwhelming misery

As I wretchedly grasp for air
something inside refuses to yield
it beckons me onward
calls me to fight against surrender
to flow with the flood of grief
and journey each bend

I know now that in time the surge will ebb
and this river will become a stream
a tributary
a branch
an arm --
that I may grab hold
stand again
and walk away

A mother weeps today
She weeps for a child lost
Lost on this earth
Lost in his body

A mother weeps tonight
She weeps for she is alone
Alone with her thoughts
Alone with her demons

A mother will weep tomorrow
She will weep for change
Change that pledges escape
Change that does not come

A mother weeps
She weeps
Weeps
Weeps