i am
the smell of rain on asphalt during summer
blasting music in the car
the excitement of a first date
sipping a cold drink on a hot day
the tears of a broken heart
the first day of summer
peacefulness of the first snow
a winding path up a mountain
laughter of a little girl
the ***** of a rose thorn

i am not
a name i was given
an age i cannot control
a number on a scale

          k.d.

i can’t remember the sound of her voice
i can’t remember the way she kissed my head
i can’t remember the feeling of her hands on my shoulders
i can’t remember her dancing
i can’t remember her singing
i can’t remember her driving me to school
i can’t remember her being my mother
i can’t remember who she really was

i remember her wheelchair
i remember her computer voice
i remember her feeding tube
i remember the end
the suffering
the tears

i remember a broken body
i don’t remember my mother

        *k.d.

when you die
do you disappear
or do you just float
without a body
without a life
just a soul
floating

or do you stay
watching
waiting
helping

if i died tomorrow
i don’t think that i would want
to stay
because i would have
to watch my family
and friends
grieve
but if i die on old age
i think i would want
to stay
just to make sure
that everything is okay
just to make sure
that those who i love
are being taken care of
just to make sure
that i am not forgotten

        *k.d.