Suddenly I look for you
In crowded bars
In the darkness of nighttime streets

I look for you in the muscle
Of big tall men
Around the corners of every turn

I look for you in my sleep
And in my daydreams
I long for you in my darkest moments

My wrists ache
From these chains

I pull harder and harder
And I know one day I will escape

But only when I’m bleeding
And to bleed will feel so good

And to leave will feel so good
To run from this tormentor

I think he likes when I try escape
I think he likes when I show pain

When he watches
I will only smile

All I do is torture myself
By dreaming of you
And dreaming of something else’s

As I melt away
Into the still day
With anxious thoughts and unfamiliar spaces
I can’t help but wonder if my lostness will ever become found.

Silent thought, you’ve become the midday distance in my eyes
Looking through time, creating never-destinies

Silent thought, but so loud in my mind
Though your eyes melt
Like honey, into my soul
I find the markings of your face dissipate

My silent thought
I speak of you too often
I write of you too often
While another sits on your mind

And maybe your face.
Probably.

I miss you endlessly, deeply
I miss you pridefully
and wounded

Desire for you to bruise
Anything but my heart
Hold me firmly while you comfort my eyes with yours

And then govern me with your body.
This time I’ll pay attention
To the sensation of your hand against my skin
I’ll follow it as it moves down my body

And I promise not to stop you
This time

I’ll let you go where you want
Let you own me

On nights like this I wish I could stop my thinking. Drown it away.

Smoke it away.

Drink it away.

I don’t have ****, because I’m abroad, and it’s not illegal and all.

I won’t drink it away though, because I’m trying to be healthy, and I never had a **** hangover.



Because thinking at a time like this… is awful.

The worst case scenario, if I avoid thinking, I spare myself the torture. But what if, in fact, the worst case scenario is true? Then what?

And what does it even mean?

Thinking about that is way worse.

And I don’t want to.

All I can do is hope, and pray maybe.



So I just wanna drink it away.

Or smoke it away.

Can’t really do those though, so I took a cool shower, listened to music. Washed my face. Came and sat here across my window to write.

As Woody Allen said in Annie Hall, life is either miserable or horrible, be thankful that you’re miserable, that’s very lucky, to be miserable.