black girl
burnt fingertips on blunts and radio knobs
singing along to the words
pretending to fall in love
black girl
stuck with scratches
ashes
burnt skin
a taste for
female friends that benefit
black girl
can't hide her DNA
as easily as her true colors
black girl best friend
back girl white for a black girl
black girl lives on the north side
has a side ******* the south
black girl plays blues
bumps Kings of Leon
and Future
wondering which of the two
will be her future
black girl
never cusses in front of her sister
even though all she says is
'**** it'
black girl white car
black girl no license
black girl speeds
black girl art school
black girl need scholarship
black girl raps
and forgets the words
black girl gossip girl
black girl breaks cigarettes
black girl never laughs at me when I think she will
black girl psh
black girl so much better
than who she thinks she is
black girl can't take a compliment
won't take credit
black girl so beautiful
black girl never pays for drugs
but gets high every night
black girl sometimes makes me jealous
sometimes I want to make
black girl jealous

I was born to a folk rock princess
midwest mistress
rock n roll roads and
gasoline kisses
oil spilled souls
and windy dusted bowls
saddle up baby, I'm ready to go
don't leave me behind
in the dust and tornadoes

I was born beside greenwood graves
there are bodies beneath my feet
I can't help but think
that they were buried in vain
lost souls wandering  the districts that destroy them
empty bottles in their palm refuse to employ them
arts and crafts and coffee stops
roadside Indian antique shops
burrito shacks and littered lights
fill the streets that come alive
there are fireworks every other night

driving down the freeway fleet wood Mac in my memories
like mini golf with my father
dancing queen dreams
T.G.I.Fridays every Saturday at 5 and we didn't care
judging the smokers I couldn't help but stare

I was born jumping over chain linked fences
thunder and ice storm chasing me
away from common senses
I think I have the riverwalk blues
I think I was born breaking the rules
picking my best friend off of the floor
shoving a steak knife infront of my door
naked and Afraid
desperate to live on my own at age 8
but
my mother she's an angel
put me on a pedestal
waited back stage just in case I got too afraid
wrote a note in my lunch
every day until 8th grade
I love you baby, everything is going to be okay.
but maybe it's something inside
that this city instilled
a constant wanting to escape
the buffalo and dry hills
Cherokee blood runs red within me
flooding my heart
with the struggles of my ancestry
running far against the wind
feathers in my hair I can only pretend
but dont let this golden drilled oil  spilled eternity come to an end


ttown country sounds envelope my sheets
toss and turn in the night
to escape cali dreams
In the 7th grade i fantasized about running away
west coast beaches south side or Palm Bay
I think of all the reasons to leave
blue collared *******
Bible Belt ignorance
tornado terrors
sexist homophobic nightmares
concrete cracked and dry with history
downtown skyline etched in my memory
the smile from my barista I receive every morning
the constant reminders of my constant admiring
that Tulsa
is inspiring
and I can't leave without pulling the roots out from under me
hopefully ill plant new ones, hopefully ill stay sane
when my life has been borrowed and blown away
but I know one thing for sure, it won't be the same.

the only lines that are blurred are the ones that you're crossing
close your ***** lips, time for us girls to do the talking
you say you want a good girl
and the alcohol is your weapon
Acting like an animal
but self respect is my blessing
yes I got the power of resistance
as soon as you grab me, I've made my decision
keep ya distance
I've got my own pride
girls by my side
run together like felines
I dont want
and I don't need to be domesticated
if I say no you feel emasculated,
but I'm not your wifey
I'm not your mid life crisis
much more than plastic, my love is priceless

you’re quick to assume my dimensions
but the desire is 1 sided
my potential can’t be contained
by someone so small minded
i’m not going to lie,
there are times i did sing along
but there was always a part of me
that knew that it was wrong
degrading myself through the words in this song
i’m my own savior, dancing on my own
keep your striped pants away from me
and your fancy cologne
never impressed me anyways
cuz who’s gonna want you
when you’re long past your glory days
maybe you’ll actually have to start
remembering her name

if incoherence is a turn on
you can leave with whatever you got from Jamaica
you write a song talkin bout liberating me
read between the lines, verbally date ****** me
talkin bout gettin blasted, blurring judgement slurring words
you've supplied enough nastiness for the night, you don't need help from the girls
this song glamorized by the women it defeats
it doesn't count as seduction when you're invading our sheets
don't belittle me when your restraint is as small as your comprehension
I never said wanted you so drop the pretension
I don't wanna get nasty, I wanna get away
good looks and a catchy chorus doesn't make misogyny okay

I heard this song on the radio about 5 times a day
the world couldn't stay away
never listening to the words
singing along with no shame
maybe it's empowering to the girls that sing along
in the heat of the moment it doesn't feel wrong
but you're 100x classier than words in this song
worth so much more than ***** sheets
you wanna feel loved, so you slip into a dress and he slips into your drink
this is all a release, but you don't have to be the dizzy slam piece
just remember who you are
and what the world is saying
growing up,
they wanna invade your innocence
take your impressionable mind for granted
*** on the radio
violence on the tv
models in the magazine
but you're gonna have to tune it out
live on your own
live for yourself,
remember what your mama told you
keep your chin up because they're gonna try to break you

what rhymes with hug me
babe, you could never love me
cuz first you gotta respect me
accept no because maybe she’s just not ready
i’m not a piece of meat
you get to use, abuse
for your own personal grinder
be the one by her side
not the one lurking behind her
music is power
you’re adding fuel to the fire
women in music nowadays
yeah, we’re the survivors
against the cheaters and the liars
contributing to a mindset holding us back
so we gotta rise up keep
their pants up, and their minds on track
sincerely, every blurred line that never went back

when i met you,
i was drizzled dreaming
puddled potential
melted rebellion
under tulsa summer sky
you and i
had barely begun
i broke my arm
grinding rusted rails
new faces in the hall
feel like free hydrocodone
everyone here is so hip
and i'm so alone

so i'll kick push my way to your backyard
that first night there was acid tripping on your freshly painted walls
i didn't know anyone who had so many friends all at once
red cups in your backyard
i saw her tucked on your arm
and i had no reason to stare
we didn't know each other
except from the days
i watched you on stage
vinyl walls didn't confine you
months later, you were still on my mind
craving eye contact
there was always a subconscious
that imagined what our days would look like

caught up, we lost each other for a while
whirlwinds of lost emotion
and low self esteem
that make oklahoma tornados feel like breeze
i'm so sorry
that he spoiled every part of me that was worth keeping
white washed clean cut bleached feelings
he said
love
isn't a feeling
its a combination of chemicals
it's your choice to stay with me
losing my identity
inside of dark muffled pop punk concerts
i can't decipher my feelings under all of this low screaming
but
being with you, is as easy as breathing
you sound so different
than the music i wanted so badly to fall in love with
the other day you compared me to your guitar
and i felt more infinite than ever before
sessions on your un-soundproofed floors
i kept getting lost
i could watch you pick for days
entranced in everything
that comes as easy to you
as breathing
i didn't want to, but i kept leaving
and you were always there
with a red cup on your lawn
i started to dream
of being the girl tucked on your arm

that night at the bonfire
he faded away
i stayed awake for you
blurred kisses dizzy trips
but all of it still made sense
blacked out by the lake
told myself it was a mistake
disguised desire
trying to deny that you were the
only one worth waiting for
and i prayed to god you would wait for me
that you wouldn't lose faith
in my train wreck of a psyche
that you always managed
to help me forget about
just for the night,
when it came down to it
you bring more light to my eyes
than the warmth from my sheets
stained useless
from long nights and lost mornings
i couldnt explain why
you kept drifting into dreams

it was always you
i kept running back to

when we got together, i was puddled promises
i promise we were nothing but a chemical experiment
of different personalities
mixed together polar opposites
I'm sorry
you deserve so much better
but you were never my second choice
or a last resort
it just took a thunderstorm
to finally see the sunshine
you
are my moonshine,
everything i dreamt love should be like
i'll ride for miles in your honda odyssey
bonnie and clyde
we can be rebels to the third degree
ride down riverside like we always do
in the sunday sun
your hand in mind, keeping me young
we'll play music make up words as we go along
we write our own songs
to the chest beats and high tops
lost heart to heart
lets forget every one

you and me it's purple skies
and late school nights

one song plays in my mind
about your green eyes
and his eyes were blue
i guess i forgot the order
of the rainbow
because this entire time
it should have been you

when you leave for college,
you'll be
drizzled dreaming
melted potential
under the tulsa summer skies
countless high nights
low notes and full flights
and it's going to be so hard to let you go
and to let you chase your dreams
but i'll always be here
reminiscing the color green

i want to remember with you,
i want to forget with you.

the times when time would fly by
like the birds on the horizon
of this pastel oklahoma sky
never within reach,
but we’d always find a way
to make a pseudo-artsy instagram photo of the sight
i’d try to summon thoughts to speak,
to fill in awkward silence with awkward advances
but then i’d look at you, 
bitten lips
sun-stained face
half chewed nails
and the last thing i wanted to hear
was the sound of my own voice
i used to imagine your hair a little messier,
your eyes a little kinder,
your style a little more eccentric,
but i never wanted to change who you are.

i want to remember with you,
i want to forget with you.

when we’d sit and stare at the people
we wished we never met,
and the one’s we didn’t want to.
drowning in our own cynicism
i think i was the one holding your head underwater
and i’m sorry my half-empty attitude got the best of us,
but hating people was what made us fall in love,
and i’ve never admitted to being a pessimist
because i never wanted to be.
i wanted to be what you wanted. 

i want to remember with you
i want to forget with you

skipping stones across a dried up river
making wishes, singing jimi hendrix
like it was the soundtrack to our summer.
i felt the most vulnerable whenever we'd drive home
and the most infinite
the wind combing my hair,
your hand in mine
we both knew what we were thinking,
but neither of us said it,
not wanting to ruin the moment,
not wanting it to be the truth.

i want to remember with you
i want to forget with you

this is a poem about the Tulsa Race Riots*

terrorism doesn't compare to self destruction.
disaster between the slaves, and their masters
we're richer, but they're smarter.
black wall street abolished, its name never in vain
although we remember, we'll never understand the pain
with our own eyes, it would leave us blind
by flash bombs, envy, discrimination
and hatred of our own kind.
gunpowder made buildings fly against the street lights
red and green, bombs still singing, ears still ringing,
we might as well be deaf.

the grass is always greener,
but our skin will never change or fade away
and to live in the past destroys our future
because just when we started to rise from the ashes
we burnt ourselves down again
from opposite sides of the city,
north and south
attract like polar opposites
wasting away green with envy
you can try to forget
because theres new paved concrete
but its still the same street
we owe to the stampede
jealously, destruction, revolution, prosperity
worn out buildings and bricks trapped us
but we're still free
under state laws
but only conditionally
the city sleeps when we do
but stays up late with disdain
days wasted and blown into the air
like concrete and fame
its a shame that
race riots black wall street and greenwood share the same name

it can't stay this way
one day, tulsa you'll change
you'll paint the streets again
faces engrained on
black walls like oil spills
treading new roads
buildings towering above
there are bodies below our feet
but that doesn't mean we're above them
and one day we'll breathe again
we'll write the names back into our history books
their sacrifice on our tongues
remembered, never in vain
like saviors honoring the pain
but never throwing it away
greenwood rising again.

i would like to formally thank you
for not being a Catfish
emojis often spell out love
more than words spoken

thank you
for the nudes
i don't really know what
you expected me to do with them
but it's interesting how
we never touched electric skin
but i've seen all of you

there are secrets still buried in the deepest darkest
regions of my sim-card
thank you for being the receiver
of everything i wish was different

you should have seen my face
when my mother asked me
who sent a pizza to our house
on Valentine's Day

I wish
you were just a Catfish

because a burnt tongue can evoke the same kind of emotions
as watching your fears go up in smoke
its not a coincidence that fireworks sounds like kettles
and that you live for matchbooks and destruction
because you love burning fingers just as much as bridges
your mouth waters at the sweet smell of gunpowder
and craves the taste of chaos
hot liquid drenches your throat
and you cringe and you breathe
and you wait for the bang
and you wait for release
because it hurts in the most peaceful way you can imagine

you don't call yourself a *******
but you admire the way
you can find beauty in pain so easily
your skin is tinted red and angsty
from the snap of rubber bands against your skin
but you crave that sting like ******
lifting you higher into the atmosphere
until you crash among the cosmos
and fall into the earth like flaming debris
and you drink in the disaster
but never choke on the smoke

you admire the way rain falls like atom bombs
and the sun boils like nuclear warfare
you've got the world in your hands
and you're clutching it for dear life
trying to hold on to your sanity
but everything you touch crumbles
into ashes at your feet

I'm sorry
I'm so sorry that the only way for you to feel
is to burn your arms with lighters
and scratch away your skin
to scar your body until its hanging by its corners
and you look in the mirror and all you see is shame
but to me, its a canvas
because from destruction
comes creation
i won't let that very disaster that you indulge in
be your demise
i promise
if you want me to,
ill help you brew new blood
ill pick out herbs and leaves
and combine them with heat
so this cold world
will never leave you feeling heartless again
so even when you watch those fireworks
and watch your life go up in smoke
you'll have something waiting for you
to savor, to release
to drench your throat and bring you peace

it's literally lying awake at night
wondering if the smell of my hair
lingers on your pillow
or if you would even notice

its tasting the word mistress
and having flashbacks of my mother
and understanding why
she always acted so bittersweet

it's avoiding
catching
feelings
feeling like ****
for wanting to
give you everything
when all you wanna do is
dodge parents
keep secrets
and stay out past curfew

it's never being able
to give you the love you deserve
i would give the universe to you
with water droplet stars
infinite black and blue
like the bruises we got
from sneaking into the neighborhood pool
it felt more like a baptism than a rebellion

it's being terrified
of holding your hand in public

it's being terrified of holding you period

it's going out in public
knowing people think that we're together
knowing that you hate it
when people think that we're together
knowing that it tears me down
chicago skyline style

it's knowing that her love
is irreplaceable
but just know
that i will memorize and recite
every line of good burger
if it made you smile
i'll take you to disney world
because it's so ****** up that you've never been
adopt a cat and give it to you,
because you don't need another ***** in your life
i wish i could give you
the childhood you missed out on
blinded by another world the two of you created
and i'm just the house pet
being domesticated

it's being so excited
to see some light in your eyes
they've been dark for so long

it's loving in the dark
never turn the lights on

it's being a ***** little secret
when i don't even know the truth

it's biting my tongue
never asking
what am i to you?

it's choosing words so delicately
"I'm into you"
"i'm sorry"
"i'll park down the street"

it's foot in mouth
hands on face
tongue in cheek
bending over backwards
for a lost cause
it's pretending it doesn't bother me
when you ignore my phone calls

it's feeling the need
to apologize to everything
and everyone
for leaving a single trace of myself behind
i taste the word mistress
and it burns like acid
so so sweetly

it's
i don't need you
i don't need you
i don't need you
but i want you

it's best friends right?
i hope you smell my hair
on your pillow tonight

to
purple skies
late school nights
to
the tunnel under the bridge filled with our names
they painted over last week
to
heartbreak
and malt liquor
to
skinned knees
and ****** teeth
to
the lies we tell our parents
and sun burnt chest
to
Kid Cudi
and Kanye West
to
summer reading the bible
and a book about mythology
to
Jesus and Hera
their perfect harmony
to
green eyes
to
truth
to
shoegaze
to
bass
to
slick roads
too ****** to skate
to
spitting verse in the backseat
to
remembering family
to
rain and how it ruins everything
to
never letting your ex ruin everything
to
Sunday sun
and mosquito nights
puffy and swollen
and always multiplying
to
the concrete embedded in our cheeks
to
every firecracker
reminding us
that we're free

the days seem the darkest when you're in my passenger seat
you and me, two separate heartbeats
bare bones, headlights shine right through me
I look over, you're pierced blue,
I've always thought that I already know you.
but I don't know your life
and you don't know mine
quick to assume your dimensions,
thoughtless pretension
heartless, no question
refusing to fall for you,
I didn't want you to make sense.
but still your heart beats like mine,
and both of us feel like **** all the time,
with a past that speaks just as loud
and it might as well be foggy as the clouds
flashing like fireworks, then smoke all around
and you compare yours to autumn leaves falling down
lying awake, no trees no sound
no sleep no hands to pick you off the ground
no shoulders to cry, the same ones you sat on and reached towards the sky
I know what it's like,
to lose the one who brought you to life
cuz my best memories are in my dads passenger seat,
and I always promised I wouldn't cry,
because it's like he's not alive.
he's here, but not really
but I guess in lucky
and I'm so sorry that you lost him completely
but I promise baby,
this rain is gonna stop soon
and cloudy days like these will pass
put your faith in something else,
something that will last,
because you're way too good to give up yet
I wanna show you the sun
and how days can be brighter than the ones you try to forget,
there's more to all of this than darkness, loss, and pain
because there's always brightness after rain
and on days when you're drowning
and you hate who you are
remember you can change things if you just press on
so next time I look over, I want your hand in mine
and I want you to know that youve got more time than you realize
to make this right,
we might not last,
but you cant give up
these clouds are moving fast
remember whats above
lightning and thunder will always be there,
just remember this car will take you anywhere,
just tell me.
and ill be what you need me to be.

chiseled bodies and rough hands
contrast soft paleness of shielded legs
knees bruised from tripping over unfamiliar words
that feel wrong on my tongue
tiny light footsteps leave a trail behind me
with smiles of resilience that greet me
when i set foot on this clustered dust
american lust welcomed but foreign all the same

braiding isn't as easy when you have so many extra hairs
long and blonde on dark slender fingertips
pushing and pulling
dancing and threading
weaving culture into my scalp

the sky looks different here, light and dull
the clouds are scattered in wisps of cotton
the sun is a star cut out of construction paper
blown away by hurricanes
paper bags are their puppets,
they smile and say jambo

scenic beaches feel wrong,
but i can't escape paradise
when trees serenade me
the choir speaks to me,
praying with their hearts beating
in calloused open hands
ridged with a childhood
i don't want to understand
tears stained eyes look at me with pride
hung up to dry like laundry left behind
stronger than i could ever hope to be
resilient as the wind
that will never cease to sing

tired eyes open
awoken by giggles,
and loud screeching animals
the sound of the birds
can't compare to the sound of their laughter
staring with fascination
eyes of admiration
ambitions greater than my own
a feeling that i've never known and i’ll never forget
when she told me she loved me
and i promised her i'd come back

and our time will never be long enough
because i don't want to leave behind
the smiles and the secrets and the dreams and jump-rope
but i swear i'll take with me wherever i go
the memories of paradise
when they chased us down for a hug and said jambo

shoulders squared
putter lined up against
the pink gum ball at my
miniature feet
i know my father is watching
and i know he will swing me around in his arms
regardless if i get a hole in one,
and say, 'i'm proud of you, kathy b'
that loop-de-loop was a real *****

i remember the car rides home
fleetwood mac on the freeway
every time i asked you where we were going
you'd tell me, "to the moon"
hold my hand,
and with you
we went celestial

and in a couple years,
i'll advance and swing clubs against the wind
i begged you to teach me, begging
"how do you get that ball to fly so high"
i'd crane my neck against the sky
even with me on your shoulders,
our love flew so high
and i was terrified of you dropping me

i never played to impress you
i played because it was a part of you
sweetly polished, leather golf shoes
you smelled like grass,
and sunday
and thick tulsa wind
so you and i played every weekend

in aunt melissa's backyard,
i stared at my compromise
when i was thrown off the backseat of the cart
my twisted tiny fingers
dangling
pit pattering against rubber
it smelled like gasoline
and i couldn't stop thinking about
your sweet leather, newly polished shoes

we didn't play golf anymore after that
i stared death in the face, and so do you
because we hold hands in a different ways
you're on my shoulders now
because your occipital is faulty
and you can barely see

i'm hoping one day,
you'll teach me how to hurl pink gum *****
through the wind, so effortlessly
i hope one day you'll teach me
to pick out the perfect christmas tree,
and i hope you tells me you're proud of me,
kathy b
a perfect chicken soup recipe
the cure for all broken memories

to coming home to a lonely house
that’s not even close to empty
to cynical peeling bedroom walls
that suppress your tainted dreams

to open-minded conversation
enjoyable only when you’re ******
to whispered secrets you swore you’d never tell
because you’re better off alone

to wanting versus needing
dreaming but never doing
living for your parents
who ignore your screaming secrets

how confusion leads to therapy
and drugs lead to ***
poetry or music
escaping or feeling trapped

to mommy's high-hopes for you
or leaving her behind
to wanting to leave everything behind
to feeling left behind
to being bad at everything you do
because no one told you otherwise

to feeling hip
to feeling lost
to feeling nothing at all

to the years that float around you
echoing in your soul
composing who you are today
stronger than before

to making countless mistakes
just so you can know
the sound of your own heart break
the beauty of letting go

to breaking through your lonely home’s front door
and owning what you own

******* and **** your best friends
who call me a *** cuz i like
***** shorts long nights
and the surprise
when they see youre with a white girl

**** your judgement
**** your twitter
and **** your excuses
about some ******* disease
that apparently inhibits your ability
to pick up a ******* phone

******* for leaving me alone
when i needed you the most

but I'm not mad anymore
I'm just sick and tired
of falling for the same tricks
different toilet
same ****
different skin
same intentions

i want so badly to forget about you
cuz im slowly wasting away
like my desire to try
and your desire for fame
bars on bars
dark as the night
your skin just as black
as the n-words you're trying to fight
but you're always talking about oppression and ****
**** your lies and **** your poems
i'll never love a hypocrite

i answer the phone
after i let it ring a couple times
so i don't seem needy
'get dressed. we're going to a party'
you swoop me up
it already smells hazy
we pick up a couple *******
i don't remember their names
tonight,
everything changes

let's forget all the reasons
why we shouldn't be together.
lets forget about that *****
that said she 'didn't know
you were into white girls'
and how you knew
you would hear that comment more than once

forget that my house is two stories
and you barely have one to call home
i live with my parents
but yours are forgotten
among the blunts and the ashes
that we found love from

broken glass cigarette ash
i pretend not to notice
that this room is packed
and everyone here is…
black.

i pretended it didn't bother me
that you grabbed another girl
and started dancing with her
i said that i wasn't drunk enough
to dance like a stripper

when in reality i felt
like it wasn't my place
this wasn't my place
like i needed to apologize
for just showing my face
like what is the white girl doing here?
don't you have a taylor swift concert to go to?
she can be the coat rack,
hold my purse while I dance

i'm sorry i can't be what you want
but its crowded body to body
sweaty window to wall
i need to get out
blinded by the darkness
searching for silence
i just want to be next to you
be your girl outside the bedroom

i know our skin is the same with the lights off
but we've been living in the dark for far too long
i'm not a snow bunny, i'm a human being
it's not a fetish
it's a feeling

i'm sorry i can't impress your friends,
i'm sorry I'm not like them
but I'm trying
and its packed sweaty body to body
i don't recognize the music playing
drinks slinging
ears ringing
head spinning
i dip out

crowds of people swarm around
i walk away,
you call my name
i hear the sounds
bang two shots, we scream
bang four shots, i duck
bang six shots, no sounds
the lot is empty

i can't find you,
these red and blue lights are blinding
why did you take me here?
you say you're sorry
and i still don't know what to think
i love you
and you say you wish i didn't have to see
this part of your life
even though i wanted yours to be mine
ours

in fast food restaurants people would tell us
how cool it was to see an interracial couple
two lives so different
i loved the idea
that we could still become one
i loved the idea
we could freestyle in your backseat
and no one would make fun of me

you dipped out faster than you could take me to prom
i didn't know if it was because you lost feelings
or if you were worried that i would be too embarrassing
that i couldn't hang unless i was prepared to duck
too many kids afraid for their life
at least one of them needs a gun

i can still hear the shots ringing
like all all of the possibilities
everything we could have been
everything you could be now
but a friend in my algebra class
said they saw you bagging groceries

but you came to my slam the other day
wearing the hat
i brought you back from cali
eyes as red as the blood
splattered on the street

tonight
there is going to be a blood moon
snow
sun
and rain
all in two days
lunar eclipsed
moods switched
maybe god is saying something
to us
who
pump atmospheres with debris
co2 and apocalypse
but somehow,
we are still made of stardust
the universe composes us
and this is what we give back
blood red
we weren't the ones that designed our veins
we were made this way
for a reason
survived by the stars
live like the night
but we take it granted
the moon and the sun
aren't only here to shine
hear the howling
god doesn't want you to miss this
harvest, rare and pure
maybe we don't deserve it
but everyone, regardless
will
look up

we get high on playground sets
without a scrape or bruise
masters of hiding seek, we got nothin else to lose
shining like gold stars, empty as outer space
too young to tell time, so anywheres the right place
guard up taking shots in the rooms we learned to walk in
glassy eyes on the dresser prayin no ones gonna walk in
grew up without a past, time movin way too fast for us
threw out all our watches close your eyes take a drag with us
down the ***** streets playin hop scotch and jump rope
red rovers long gone like we're too lost to come home
backyards blowin dro, fast cars, slow-motion
no parents no phones light up with no emotions
what happened to sleep overs or long nights alone
without repressed conflicts sparking up a bowl

this neighborhood isnt big enough for adventures

this surburban paradise is slowly wasting away
with our old childhood games
the playground is rusting, our jumpropes are gone
the lady who gave us snickers on halloween has passed on
like the lightning bugs we caught in jars
the only thing that hasnt changed are the perfectly manicured lawns
hiding our demises in a cinderella jewelry box

we talk about them
like we are on Degrassi
pouring into teenage minds
pregnancy
addiction
suicide
sitcoms
we talk about them
like they can't hear us
i think about
how I am in high school
and I don't want to be this old yet

my neighborhood was never big enough
manicured lawns expanding
playgrounds rusting
but I'll never forget the day
we pretended to shoot our classmates
from the top of the slide

"don't tell her I told you"
I wonder how many times
someone has told someone
not to tell me

I watched a video
on quantum mechanics today
and a man told me that he was made of atoms
and so was I
and I finally felt okay
with being different

the past pumps blood with a heart made of rubber,
flowing like fire and burning like coal,
i sing the realities of a star-crossed lover,
accompanied by a cellophane soul.

on this day in 1969, Denton Cooley implemented the first artificial heart
into a human whose nature was slowly failing and falling apart
blood barely pumping under electric skin
fake skin pumping blues under rubber valves and tubes
it kept his breath for
64 hours.

I imagine his family watched the light leave his eyes
and not even love or divine intervention
could beat him back to equilibrium
wires surging through him
your body is not science project
it's a miracle
but I guess it's conditional
because some people see the light too soon
when not even artificial life
can keep you from dying

even with robotic models
clinking clanking
subconscious
pounding veins into submission
keep this miracle alive
revived
it's not cheating Mother Nature
it's not cheating your life
beating pressed against the odds
artificial body
artificial feelings
love
isn't even a feeling
it's a combination of chemicals
connected in your brain
but I wonder if that human felt his rubber heart breaking
when he saw the tears in the eyes of his family
these aren't emotions
imitation life can fake
even though not all of me is here,
I still feel like nothing ever left me
they didn't know
I would leave so soon
64 hours
I could wake up a robot
I could wake up a miracle
either way
I'll be gone in 32 more hours
when a brand new heart
infects my blood
you didn't finish the job
but you held me over
beating on my chest for me
blue blood pumping
but I guess I forgot how to do it on my own
when my own heart should have never even left me

in the sixth grade
i asked my parents
to buy me World of Warcraft for christmas
to impress a boy that i liked
i never even downloaded it

i pretended fictional characters in young adult novels
were my boyfriend
i wanted so badly
to feel teeth

i imagine
she had already felt them
her blood isn't as clean
as the day it left her legs
she's never changed her sheets
since the day he left her bed
praying for a miracle
but God and Mother Nature
are two different people
that never got along very well

i imagine
she was spending her saturday nights
in the ditch by the creek
lying on her back
counting how many days left
counting how many days late
counting the stars

adolescent alone
abandoned baby daddy
already has a kid of his own
my friends joked,
"better call mtv"
what a nightmare,
we used to crush rolls and roll around
pop bottles not baby formula
it scares me
how quickly things can change
just by living how you live
like any other day

i wonder what her mom will say
i wonder if we aren't friends anymore
because we never see each other
or if I'm worried what my mom will say
scared of perpetuating
living how we lived
like hooligans
too much of an influence
that was the summer
she was always breaking things
she was such a clumsy lover

she is with child
she is child
one more statistic
according to the state
and groups of friend only last
as long as fate lets us
because now,
he is in the navy,
they moved away,
he is selling drugs again,
knocked up,
i found a new boyfriend

i didn't know so much could change
just by living how we live
like any other day
one too many things broken,
that's all it takes.

the room is
bursting
flattened
from silver and bronze
nostalgia walls
framing a time
we celebrated

our shelves
should be empty


the house is
splitting
at the seams and corners
alcoholic lucid dreams
clinking, clanking
in the backseat
the heart monitor
keeping time
counting
down
breath left in this house
like a smoke alarm

we got rid of the swing set
swaying
back and forth
every last bit of life
growing old or blowing smoke
growing up
in a cobweb hall
the portrait of my parents
sliding
down
the
wall.

it's Tuesday afternoon,
101 degrees
my car is about to overheat
police sirens blaring
stuck in a mile of traffic on the north side
I'm late and losing my mind
and then i drive by the smashed pick up truck
tainted red as the blood on the concrete,
the teenage driver getting pulled out of the debris strapped on a stretcher
that could have been my brother
etherized
and all I could think was
what should an atheist do instead of pray?

my religious best friend said that I could just hope for the best
with a smirk on her face
and I wondered why that didn't feel like it would be enough
and praying does
it's the same thing,
just hoping to some higher form above
for strength
for the ultimate matchmaker
to help you find love
never realizing that's the ****
you need to do for yourself
but praying for the ones you can do nothing about
is better than nothing,
sometimes I think faith is better than nothing,
nothing will never be enough
so where does that leave us?

I know I probably chose to be this way
my parents never forced anything upon me
despite the episcopal school I attended until 10th grade
chapel every week
I'd bow my head
clutch my hands
and pretend to pray.

in elementary school
I begged my mom to take me to church
my whole world in his hands
when the pastor came to our class
I was never afraid to sing
I wanted so badly for someone to look out for me
and I can't remember exactly when I stopped believing
as I grew up
you made less sense to me
it was always:
science
evolution
the big bang is my heartbeat
living a life of logic
neither of faith
I remember the kids protesting my 5th grade science teacher
when we learned about the Grand Canyon
"erosion?
but god created the earth in 7 days!"

you can take back my sins, but my demons are here to stay,
I'll burn all of my rosaries, I don't deserve them anyways
oh my God
(capitalized g)
I'm sorry.
maybe if my hands were clean from the start
I wouldn't have wasted so much time
getting them *****

sometimes I feel like clutching crosses for dear life
burning all of my textbooks,
this isn't how we were raised
but I still haven't brought myself
to bring my hands together
even though my soul is ****** for all of eternity
if God loves everyone,
I like to think he might forgive me
blame it on existential brainwashing
fingers crossed there isn't more to all of this
fingers crossed my fingers will never need to cross
that the burnt cross won't burn my fingers
that the boys life will be spared whether it be by you, or a defibrillator
prayer or science
at the end of this, we'll find out if this was all for you,
or if my biology teacher was right about evolution
but until then
I'll just keep my fingers crossed.

you got uh
permanent imprint
tattooed on my knuckles
it says, “risen”
shaky, now
now i’ll
touch my fingertips
to the surface of the sun
till there’s no love left
till the ashes fall
off the end of my cigarette
pluck every part of u
from my pores
i unravel
like an orange peel
ur bedroom eyes, that tungsten light
blue hues, **** fumes,
u count my freckles like starry night
and i’m sure if u stuck a needle
in my thighs
or the backs of my knees
a little bit of ur blood
mixed with mine  
would fill the vial
ur teeth still sunken into me
crimson, now
i’m thinking bout uh tall boy
pabst, perhaps
12 ounces of bubbles
i smother my lungs
he wants us to combust
im thinkin bout poison
or someone else to fill me up
while I’m still young
and while it’s still my choice
bitter, now
we’ve grown tired
and the roots are pulled up,
rotted
old
still stacked like nothing changed when i left
like u would taste peach and think of me
juicy, now

you were a perfectly good waste
of blank CDs
but it's okay
you never liked my mixtapes anyways

there's still a part of me
that can't let you go
I burned everything I wrote
flames in all the photos
but I kept the one that doesn't even show your face
you pulling me down the street in a sled,
so I can pretend
you were the one carrying my weight

lover
our favorite thing to do together
was go to the movies
half of our bodies touching
and I think you liked it so much
because neither of us would speak
and you told me to pick out my own Christmas present
at the store that you work in
one t shirt, one beanie
because 15% off is worth more than spontaneity

lover
I passed you in the hall
while you were trying to talk to me
and it was unbelievably hard
to just keep walking

lover
we always kept the lights off
backseats barebones long nights no sleep
black friday ****** mornings
you told me you would leave if we hung out
when I was anything but sober
but you laughed and kissed me instead whenever you see my eyes are red

I've been writing about you for the past 3 months
and it's all been complete ******* garbage
everything was always about you
and thanks to me, it still is

lover
love her
I feel sorry for her
I tried so hard
I wore flannel every day
to melt into yours
I was puddy in your rough palms
molding to every move
my bones are breaking
because I let you fill up every part that was empty
and I asked you about your father
and you never asked about mine

lover
I check your twitter every day
I just want to know what's going on in your head
I never knew what was going on in your head
you came over at midnight
to climb into my bed
and I begged you to stay
but you never forgot to set an alarm
there was a time limit on us
ever since the first day

lover
I never even met your mom
but you got ******
any time I felt embarrassed by mine
I wanted to be everything you wanted
but that just wasn't me
I'm so sorry
that you spoiled every part of me
that was worth keeping
that night at the bonfire
I was trying to give you a second chance
but you didn't take it
so I kissed him instead
sometimes I wonder
if I'm no better

lover
I'm sorry that I lied
I told you I would always be there
and so did you
in that book of poems by Gwendolyn Brooks you knew I had my eye on
you told me were bad at communicating
but maybe we just weren't listening
only waiting for our turn to speak
only waiting to hear you speak
only waiting for you to say that you love me like I always did
to make you feel sorry for me

lover
I wanted to love you so badly.

I'm starting to permanently
smell like fire
you and I
we burnt our names into the sky
by your mom's old apartments
cracking cherry bombs
us runaways aim high

we would always fantasize
about how we live now
four years ago
dumping out secrets into childhood music boxes
church parking lots
climbing the roof
throwing shade
taking shots
i miss the days
when we didn't have to think about tomorrow

time changes things
and there's no way to stop it
but little reminders of us
are scattered around my room
torn and tattered in the carpet
littered burning butts
your old cowboy boots

we would always fantasize
about how we live now

come back into my life,
let's make this a reality
cuz sometimes
I still fantasize about running away to Cali
getting our own place
playing music on the streets
the days where we didnt have to think about the one that follows
but now
you're living paycheck to paycheck
and neither of us return our calls

I don't know where I'm going
but I want you to be there
I don't want to let you go
it's always been
and it should always be
you and me
everywhere

i wish
that every part of you was erased from me
but little bits of your lingo
are stuck in my memory
i can't seem to shake the smallest details
the way you tap your foot
skateboarding rusted rails
your stupid tattoos
and midnight blues
nights alone in the car with nothing to do
but all i wanted was to be next to you

i still think of you
every time i hear those songs
we rode around to in the night
without you they sound wrong
and i still remember the littlest pieces of writing
id pass to you under the table
or send in the middle of the night
just to make sure that you knew i loved you

and i wish we could've lasted until the spring
because that winter was the coldest
in this midwest haunting
wasting away every day without you
every minute away made me doubt you
but i can't get you off my mind
the way you play my acoustic guitar
you've got the songs, i've got the rhymes
******* your smile lit up the room,
i've never seen anything like it
bout now i'm just trying to forget it

but your eyes are ingrained in my mind
like the lines in your palms
i can’t stop fantasizing
entwined with my own
and getting rid of your stuff
was so much harder than i thought
tearing out everything i wrote about you
but i still havent forgot 
the way your breathing sounds when youre asleep
essences of you are invading my dreams
that night i should have never let you in my bed
please please please
just get out of my head

i know that sometimes i smell like cigarettes
and i’m a little bit depressed
that the only thing that reminds you of me
is that upside-down cross hanging from your rearview mirror
i know i spend most of my days looking in the mirror
watching my face change colors
with gritted teeth and rainbow tears
and listening to the radio
singing songs i don’t care to learn the words to
i know i make you feel hopeless
when i hide the razors and barron scrapbooks
when we thought we were so ******* cool
taking shots from an empty bottle
i know i’m not the most domestic
and you need a little faith to love me
but i can make you feel wanted

you were the sun and the thunder all at once
I saw you through the rain
that night we were dancing on top of police cars
running across the river
to this day
it stills smells sour
like the syringes you promised me
you'd never touch again

i was looking for an escape
you were looking for someone to change
you said it's not peer pressure
it's just your turn

but this isn't about those nights
we stole ***** from your dad's cabinet
danced to dubstep
stuck spinning
wishing
wanting
forgiving
dim days cracked open
like my ribcage
i wanted to give you everything tucked away
that no one else had uncovered
that night tucked underneath
your lost promises
pierced right through me

but I'm grown enough
to leave those bleached white
suburban downy wishes behind
left me crying in the kitchen
like this was all my fault
the blood isn't just on my hands
both of us
ran away from the days
we ran away to the pool house
hid out in the backseat
but now i'm grown enough
and i'm still stuck spinning
wishing
wanting
forgiving
on my own

i saw you through the rain
and i wonder when you decided
that you would be the one to tear me apart
on and off
making wishes on dying stars
but you were my galaxy
i traced your outline on the dust next to me
this backseat is so
empty

and i hope you're much better now
i hope you got to achieve
all the **** we talked about
over cigarettes and coffee
and those are the nights
i hope i won't forget
you're 10,000 miles away
i won't forget
the way your skin felt
unexplainably smooth
how nervous i felt
just standing next o you
but really i just want to thank you
for filling me up
then leaving me out to dry
and i hate it when people see me cry
so i hid my face in your arms

but now you're gone
and i'm finally starting
to dry my tears on my own

the man at the genius bar
mentioned that he had a wife
and hit on me
in a period of about two minutes

couldn't have been more than 25 years old
khakis cardboard flat,
perfectly ironed
perfectly ironed smile
chrome questions
all white appliances
his eyes just barely grazed me
like the fingertips
on my wrinkly skirt

couldn't have been tied down
more than a few years
i wonder
how long it takes
to fall out of love with someone

when i was a kid,
i was terrified
of being alone
i would run screaming through the house
if i was by myself for too long
i would pray
no one would forget
to pick me up after school
and interrogated my mother every night
"is the stove off? the doors locked?"
not able to bear the thought
of letting anything
anyone go

and growing up,
i've become more prone
to burning bridges,
old pictures,
only holding on to
what kills me
all the things
i want to forget about in the morning

but i remember
one especially frantic day,
my brother and i
searched the house for our parents
that had never left in the first place
but he said
if they didn't come back
that he would always take care of me
and out there on the porch
that we painted with our father that summer
already peeling, faded like the
grass we accidentally suffocated with mulch
i believed him
and
i still do.