i answer the phone
after i let it ring a couple times
so i don't seem needy
'get dressed. we're going to a party'
you swoop me up
it already smells hazy
we pick up a couple *******
i don't remember their names
tonight,
everything changes

let's forget all the reasons
why we shouldn't be together.
lets forget about that *****
that said she 'didn't know
you were into white girls'
and how you knew
you would hear that comment more than once

forget that my house is two stories
and you barely have one to call home
i live with my parents
but yours are forgotten
among the blunts and the ashes
that we found love from

broken glass cigarette ash
i pretend not to notice
that this room is packed
and everyone here is…
black.

i pretended it didn't bother me
that you grabbed another girl
and started dancing with her
i said that i wasn't drunk enough
to dance like a stripper

when in reality i felt
like it wasn't my place
this wasn't my place
like i needed to apologize
for just showing my face
like what is the white girl doing here?
don't you have a taylor swift concert to go to?
she can be the coat rack,
hold my purse while I dance

i'm sorry i can't be what you want
but its crowded body to body
sweaty window to wall
i need to get out
blinded by the darkness
searching for silence
i just want to be next to you
be your girl outside the bedroom

i know our skin is the same with the lights off
but we've been living in the dark for far too long
i'm not a snow bunny, i'm a human being
it's not a fetish
it's a feeling

i'm sorry i can't impress your friends,
i'm sorry I'm not like them
but I'm trying
and its packed sweaty body to body
i don't recognize the music playing
drinks slinging
ears ringing
head spinning
i dip out

crowds of people swarm around
i walk away,
you call my name
i hear the sounds
bang two shots, we scream
bang four shots, i duck
bang six shots, no sounds
the lot is empty

i can't find you,
these red and blue lights are blinding
why did you take me here?
you say you're sorry
and i still don't know what to think
i love you
and you say you wish i didn't have to see
this part of your life
even though i wanted yours to be mine
ours

in fast food restaurants people would tell us
how cool it was to see an interracial couple
two lives so different
i loved the idea
that we could still become one
i loved the idea
we could freestyle in your backseat
and no one would make fun of me

you dipped out faster than you could take me to prom
i didn't know if it was because you lost feelings
or if you were worried that i would be too embarrassing
that i couldn't hang unless i was prepared to duck
too many kids afraid for their life
at least one of them needs a gun

i can still hear the shots ringing
like all all of the possibilities
everything we could have been
everything you could be now
but a friend in my algebra class
said they saw you bagging groceries

but you came to my slam the other day
wearing the hat
i brought you back from cali
eyes as red as the blood
splattered on the street

we talk about them
like we are on Degrassi
pouring into teenage minds
pregnancy
addiction
suicide
sitcoms
we talk about them
like they can't hear us
i think about
how I am in high school
and I don't want to be this old yet

my neighborhood was never big enough
manicured lawns expanding
playgrounds rusting
but I'll never forget the day
we pretended to shoot our classmates
from the top of the slide

"don't tell her I told you"
I wonder how many times
someone has told someone
not to tell me

I watched a video
on quantum mechanics today
and a man told me that he was made of atoms
and so was I
and I finally felt okay
with being different

the man at the genius bar
mentioned that he had a wife
and hit on me
in a period of about two minutes

couldn't have been more than 25 years old
khakis cardboard flat,
perfectly ironed
perfectly ironed smile
chrome questions
all white appliances
his eyes just barely grazed me
like the fingertips
on my wrinkly skirt

couldn't have been tied down
more than a few years
i wonder
how long it takes
to fall out of love with someone

when i met you,
i was drizzled dreaming
puddled potential
melted rebellion
under tulsa summer sky
you and i
had barely begun
i broke my arm
grinding rusted rails
new faces in the hall
feel like free hydrocodone
everyone here is so hip
and i'm so alone

so i'll kick push my way to your backyard
that first night there was acid tripping on your freshly painted walls
i didn't know anyone who had so many friends all at once
red cups in your backyard
i saw her tucked on your arm
and i had no reason to stare
we didn't know each other
except from the days
i watched you on stage
vinyl walls didn't confine you
months later, you were still on my mind
craving eye contact
there was always a subconscious
that imagined what our days would look like

caught up, we lost each other for a while
whirlwinds of lost emotion
and low self esteem
that make oklahoma tornados feel like breeze
i'm so sorry
that he spoiled every part of me that was worth keeping
white washed clean cut bleached feelings
he said
love
isn't a feeling
its a combination of chemicals
it's your choice to stay with me
losing my identity
inside of dark muffled pop punk concerts
i can't decipher my feelings under all of this low screaming
but
being with you, is as easy as breathing
you sound so different
than the music i wanted so badly to fall in love with
the other day you compared me to your guitar
and i felt more infinite than ever before
sessions on your un-soundproofed floors
i kept getting lost
i could watch you pick for days
entranced in everything
that comes as easy to you
as breathing
i didn't want to, but i kept leaving
and you were always there
with a red cup on your lawn
i started to dream
of being the girl tucked on your arm

that night at the bonfire
he faded away
i stayed awake for you
blurred kisses dizzy trips
but all of it still made sense
blacked out by the lake
told myself it was a mistake
disguised desire
trying to deny that you were the
only one worth waiting for
and i prayed to god you would wait for me
that you wouldn't lose faith
in my train wreck of a psyche
that you always managed
to help me forget about
just for the night,
when it came down to it
you bring more light to my eyes
than the warmth from my sheets
stained useless
from long nights and lost mornings
i couldnt explain why
you kept drifting into dreams

it was always you
i kept running back to

when we got together, i was puddled promises
i promise we were nothing but a chemical experiment
of different personalities
mixed together polar opposites
I'm sorry
you deserve so much better
but you were never my second choice
or a last resort
it just took a thunderstorm
to finally see the sunshine
you
are my moonshine,
everything i dreamt love should be like
i'll ride for miles in your honda odyssey
bonnie and clyde
we can be rebels to the third degree
ride down riverside like we always do
in the sunday sun
your hand in mind, keeping me young
we'll play music make up words as we go along
we write our own songs
to the chest beats and high tops
lost heart to heart
lets forget every one

you and me it's purple skies
and late school nights

one song plays in my mind
about your green eyes
and his eyes were blue
i guess i forgot the order
of the rainbow
because this entire time
it should have been you

when you leave for college,
you'll be
drizzled dreaming
melted potential
under the tulsa summer skies
countless high nights
low notes and full flights
and it's going to be so hard to let you go
and to let you chase your dreams
but i'll always be here
reminiscing the color green

you were a perfectly good waste
of blank CDs
but it's okay
you never liked my mixtapes anyways

there's still a part of me
that can't let you go
I burned everything I wrote
flames in all the photos
but I kept the one that doesn't even show your face
you pulling me down the street in a sled,
so I can pretend
you were the one carrying my weight

lover
our favorite thing to do together
was go to the movies
half of our bodies touching
and I think you liked it so much
because neither of us would speak
and you told me to pick out my own Christmas present
at the store that you work in
one t shirt, one beanie
because 15% off is worth more than spontaneity

lover
I passed you in the hall
while you were trying to talk to me
and it was unbelievably hard
to just keep walking

lover
we always kept the lights off
backseats barebones long nights no sleep
black friday ****** mornings
you told me you would leave if we hung out
when I was anything but sober
but you laughed and kissed me instead whenever you see my eyes are red

I've been writing about you for the past 3 months
and it's all been complete ******* garbage
everything was always about you
and thanks to me, it still is

lover
love her
I feel sorry for her
I tried so hard
I wore flannel every day
to melt into yours
I was puddy in your rough palms
molding to every move
my bones are breaking
because I let you fill up every part that was empty
and I asked you about your father
and you never asked about mine

lover
I check your twitter every day
I just want to know what's going on in your head
I never knew what was going on in your head
you came over at midnight
to climb into my bed
and I begged you to stay
but you never forgot to set an alarm
there was a time limit on us
ever since the first day

lover
I never even met your mom
but you got ******
any time I felt embarrassed by mine
I wanted to be everything you wanted
but that just wasn't me
I'm so sorry
that you spoiled every part of me
that was worth keeping
that night at the bonfire
I was trying to give you a second chance
but you didn't take it
so I kissed him instead
sometimes I wonder
if I'm no better

lover
I'm sorry that I lied
I told you I would always be there
and so did you
in that book of poems by Gwendolyn Brooks you knew I had my eye on
you told me were bad at communicating
but maybe we just weren't listening
only waiting for our turn to speak
only waiting to hear you speak
only waiting for you to say that you love me like I always did
to make you feel sorry for me

lover
I wanted to love you so badly.

i wish
that every part of you was erased from me
but little bits of your lingo
are stuck in my memory
i can't seem to shake the smallest details
the way you tap your foot
skateboarding rusted rails
your stupid tattoos
and midnight blues
nights alone in the car with nothing to do
but all i wanted was to be next to you

i still think of you
every time i hear those songs
we rode around to in the night
without you they sound wrong
and i still remember the littlest pieces of writing
id pass to you under the table
or send in the middle of the night
just to make sure that you knew i loved you

and i wish we could've lasted until the spring
because that winter was the coldest
in this midwest haunting
wasting away every day without you
every minute away made me doubt you
but i can't get you off my mind
the way you play my acoustic guitar
you've got the songs, i've got the rhymes
******* your smile lit up the room,
i've never seen anything like it
bout now i'm just trying to forget it

but your eyes are ingrained in my mind
like the lines in your palms
i can’t stop fantasizing
entwined with my own
and getting rid of your stuff
was so much harder than i thought
tearing out everything i wrote about you
but i still havent forgot 
the way your breathing sounds when youre asleep
essences of you are invading my dreams
that night i should have never let you in my bed
please please please
just get out of my head

******* and **** your best friends
who call me a *** cuz i like
***** shorts long nights
and the surprise
when they see youre with a white girl

**** your judgement
**** your twitter
and **** your excuses
about some ******* disease
that apparently inhibits your ability
to pick up a ******* phone

******* for leaving me alone
when i needed you the most

but I'm not mad anymore
I'm just sick and tired
of falling for the same tricks
different toilet
same ****
different skin
same intentions

i want so badly to forget about you
cuz im slowly wasting away
like my desire to try
and your desire for fame
bars on bars
dark as the night
your skin just as black
as the n-words you're trying to fight
but you're always talking about oppression and ****
**** your lies and **** your poems
i'll never love a hypocrite