chiseled bodies and rough hands
contrast soft paleness of shielded legs
knees bruised from tripping over unfamiliar words
that feel wrong on my tongue
tiny light footsteps leave a trail behind me
with smiles of resilience that greet me
when i set foot on this clustered dust
american lust welcomed but foreign all the same

braiding isn't as easy when you have so many extra hairs
long and blonde on dark slender fingertips
pushing and pulling
dancing and threading
weaving culture into my scalp

the sky looks different here, light and dull
the clouds are scattered in wisps of cotton
the sun is a star cut out of construction paper
blown away by hurricanes
paper bags are their puppets,
they smile and say jambo

scenic beaches feel wrong,
but i can't escape paradise
when trees serenade me
the choir speaks to me,
praying with their hearts beating
in calloused open hands
ridged with a childhood
i don't want to understand
tears stained eyes look at me with pride
hung up to dry like laundry left behind
stronger than i could ever hope to be
resilient as the wind
that will never cease to sing

tired eyes open
awoken by giggles,
and loud screeching animals
the sound of the birds
can't compare to the sound of their laughter
staring with fascination
eyes of admiration
ambitions greater than my own
a feeling that i've never known and i’ll never forget
when she told me she loved me
and i promised her i'd come back

and our time will never be long enough
because i don't want to leave behind
the smiles and the secrets and the dreams and jump-rope
but i swear i'll take with me wherever i go
the memories of paradise
when they chased us down for a hug and said jambo

i know that sometimes i smell like cigarettes
and i’m a little bit depressed
that the only thing that reminds you of me
is that upside-down cross hanging from your rearview mirror
i know i spend most of my days looking in the mirror
watching my face change colors
with gritted teeth and rainbow tears
and listening to the radio
singing songs i don’t care to learn the words to
i know i make you feel hopeless
when i hide the razors and barron scrapbooks
when we thought we were so ******* cool
taking shots from an empty bottle
i know i’m not the most domestic
and you need a little faith to love me
but i can make you feel wanted

to coming home to a lonely house
that’s not even close to empty
to cynical peeling bedroom walls
that suppress your tainted dreams

to open-minded conversation
enjoyable only when you’re ******
to whispered secrets you swore you’d never tell
because you’re better off alone

to wanting versus needing
dreaming but never doing
living for your parents
who ignore your screaming secrets

how confusion leads to therapy
and drugs lead to ***
poetry or music
escaping or feeling trapped

to mommy's high-hopes for you
or leaving her behind
to wanting to leave everything behind
to feeling left behind
to being bad at everything you do
because no one told you otherwise

to feeling hip
to feeling lost
to feeling nothing at all

to the years that float around you
echoing in your soul
composing who you are today
stronger than before

to making countless mistakes
just so you can know
the sound of your own heart break
the beauty of letting go

to breaking through your lonely home’s front door
and owning what you own

i want to remember with you,
i want to forget with you.

the times when time would fly by
like the birds on the horizon
of this pastel oklahoma sky
never within reach,
but we’d always find a way
to make a pseudo-artsy instagram photo of the sight
i’d try to summon thoughts to speak,
to fill in awkward silence with awkward advances
but then i’d look at you, 
bitten lips
sun-stained face
half chewed nails
and the last thing i wanted to hear
was the sound of my own voice
i used to imagine your hair a little messier,
your eyes a little kinder,
your style a little more eccentric,
but i never wanted to change who you are.

i want to remember with you,
i want to forget with you.

when we’d sit and stare at the people
we wished we never met,
and the one’s we didn’t want to.
drowning in our own cynicism
i think i was the one holding your head underwater
and i’m sorry my half-empty attitude got the best of us,
but hating people was what made us fall in love,
and i’ve never admitted to being a pessimist
because i never wanted to be.
i wanted to be what you wanted. 

i want to remember with you
i want to forget with you

skipping stones across a dried up river
making wishes, singing jimi hendrix
like it was the soundtrack to our summer.
i felt the most vulnerable whenever we'd drive home
and the most infinite
the wind combing my hair,
your hand in mine
we both knew what we were thinking,
but neither of us said it,
not wanting to ruin the moment,
not wanting it to be the truth.

i want to remember with you
i want to forget with you