I have prayed
I have prayed and have cried
Each day I've fruitlessly fallen and tried
Again to get back up
And it seems the only truth I know
There is no truth in me
Redemption-less I seem to be
Like a born blind man squinting to see
Something transparent anyways.
My imperfections will define me
regulate my life
So those with less drive and strife
Cut through their struggles like a knife
While repetitively I beat mine
With a weak fist.
Was there a message I missed?
Is my downfall my own fault?
Will success ever opt to be mine?
Or
Am I doomed forever to fail.

How truly wondrous are his works
He painted us the stars
He formed us out of dust and clay
And knows best who we are

The sky, the Earth and all of time
His marvelous creation.
And though we often stumble and stray
steadfast is His patience.

His love amplifies our spirits
Though we will never be deserving
He's immeasurably worthy of our praise
Yet still teaches us by serving.

It's Him who cares for each of us
And, like the stranded sheep
He'll search us out and care for us
So no climb is to steep.

All things, through Him, are possible
Through Him I find my worth
The Lord is greater than any gold
He knows, He made the Earth.

We’re all born with our eyes closed to what we learn to be the world.
Our sounds begin with crying, our fingers bunched and curled.
We’re taught our eyes should open and our hands should follow suit.
Our lips we’re told to quiet, our lungs we’re taught to mute.
We’re taught rules are to be followed, enforced calmly with intent.
Our freedoms and our thoughts are forced and every feeling bent.
We grow into what we are made of and what we’re meant to be
These people born with their eyes closed now teaching us to see.
A potluck set of people and we’re told to pick just one
Forever and for always our individuality is undone
Over time it comes back around and soon we have to teach
Our own little entrées that bunched up hands can’t reach
Closed eyes are not able to watch and loud mouths don’t ever listen
We bend and break and force our little dishes until they glisten.
We age and rot and give up on what our hearts once dreamed
And dying we may realize that it’s not what it had seemed.
Saint Peter looks inside his book and asks us how we are
And crying with our eyes closed we ask our lucky stars
Why never in our lives we questioned what we were
Here we are at God’s front door and we finally concur
Hands bunched up and fingers curled, eyes shut and kept closed tightly
The world we lived on and left for here was horrid and unsightly.
Yet every morning we woke up and our eyes opened to the sun
We've been quietly observing a world that’s vastly overdone.

I’m broken and I’m falling.
Not even sure where from.
Right now my heart is beating
Because no end has come
I’m waiting for the ending
Still watching for the sign
When I hit the ground
It’ll hit that you’re not mine.
I’m falling and I caused it.
No one pushed me off this ledge
I knew no one would catch me
I just aimed to hit the hedge.
I fell and now I'm breaking
It's no one's fault but mine
And like this broken record
I'll hit the ground and I'll be fine.

All I ever wanted was to be unique
But here I am so replaceable it's disgusting.
To say I'm special is a joke. What makes me special?
You can't find anything in me that you can't find
better
In someone else.
You think you know me.
Think you love me.
Think I'm "different"
For now.
But everyone does at some point.
Then you realize how normal I am.
Like a rainbow it's a trick of the light.
Put me in the dark, you'll see how invisible I really am.
Move me to the darkness, really,
And you'll leave me there.
I'm the lamp you lit then put out and hid away..
I'm that trend you followed that lost it's style.
I'm insignificant.
At least don't lie to me and tell me I'm beautiful.
Don't tell me how special I am, or how I'm better than others.
Better than the other "unique" person I replaced.
I'd sooner die than hear that.
Save myself the trouble that'll come when you make me believe it.
Make me believe my dream came true
My perverse dream came true.

I sit at the same table
Drinking the same tea
Nothing here has changed
Or everything, but me.
I feel not overwhelmed
Nor accomplished- nor ashamed.
Time is moving forward
And I feel so unchanged.
I'm numb to my accomplishments
Nothing is defined.
All I've ever worked for
Is just a paper someone signed.
While this world is moving forward
I don't know what I'm doing.
I know what it is I'm trying
And I know what I'm pursuing
But I'm lonely in this calmness.
I'm lonely sipping tea.
I just wish this ever changing world
Would sit and sip with me

When the earth first saw the sun
No words could e'er describe
What warmth his darkest corners felt
His joy he could not hide.
His broken heart did beat with life
Rivers swam into the sea.
Trees did reach the highest heights
Till no darkness they could see.
And the sun continued shining
Moving all around the earth.
He found joy in all life he saw
In shining he found worth.
And throughout this shining glory
Throughout their brightened years.
No words have ever been exchanged
Nor smiles, frowns, or tears.
The sun ne'er once said to the earth
"You owe me for my gift"
Instead, in endless thanks and praise,
His love the earth doth lift.
See and behold the truest love
Of only we, not my.
This love that gave life to the world
And lights up our whole sky.

I dare you.
For one month.
Find something perfect about yourself.
Not unique.
Not odd.
Not ugly.
Not weird.
Just perfect, in your eyes.
The only eyes that matter.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder,
So behold your own beauty.

So I'm back again at sleepless nights, after all the steps I took.
You once again passed through my life without any second look.
Be prepared for disappointment, my mind said that it would come,
But my heart controls my hope and my hope is something I can't numb.
So wide awake I lay here and I wonder what you feel...
Are you empty?... Are you bitter...? Is your soul even real...?
Do you blame me in your heart for what I cannot control...?
Do you even have a heart, or does your chest just have a hole...?
Such a petty waste of time, my mind calls it as it is.
But my heart controls my spirit... and it thinks my spirits his.

My dear,
If I can teach you anything
It's that people will hurt you.
Shh, no, not on purpose, mostly,
Simply that's what people do.
And yes, you also will hurt people
Probably many in your years
You must learn you can't please everyone.
that should save you countless tears.
But in regards to who you are?
You're the greatest you that's ever been.
Sure, you have your faults and vices
But who on earth is without sin?
No one, not even you.
And you know what else is great?
You, You're the greatest you I've ever known
Or will know at this rate.
You're uniquely what no one else is
You're what no one else can be
And though people will hurt you
(Just as they've hurt me)
You should know ten times as many love you
And they'd travel many miles
To hear you laugh and see your eyes
And they'd pay to make you smile.

I am so bruised and broken.
So betrayed by my own soul.
My mind partners with the forces
that keep me from being whole.
And I remember being happy-
Even happy to be sad
But there's nothing in my heart now,
My spirit has gone bad.
I long to be the one,
To be perfect in someone's eyes
Someone who sees me for who I am
And shows me how to fly
I wish I could make mistakes again
Because I could have a reason to remorse
To myself I can't apologize,
My edges are too coarse.
I love so free and open
I fall so hard, so fast
For things that break and shatter
For things I know won't last.
I see only good in people
But only bad in me
Because I work so hard to achieve something
I know I cannot be.

I exist, I swear
Don't forget me please.
I know it can be hard sometimes
But let yourself believe.
You remember me with sadness
But I swear, that wasn't me
You forget that in the darkness
I was the light upon your feet.
You remember that sea of fear
You forgot, I was your sail.
You remember not what I've won for you
But what happens when others fail.
Please don't close your heart to me
I'm so sorry you've been lost.
When you need me to carry you through this
I'll be here at no cost.
Don't doubt that I exist for you,
You'll get hurt, but that's alright
I can wrap you close, inside my arms
I'll protect you from the fight.
Come to me and I'll redeem you
And you'll give me so much more.
You'll never feel alone again
I'm what you've been searching for.

They say that time will heal all wounds but time will never pass
A year I spent in love with you who promised we would last.
You promised me with all your heart you’d love me till I died.
And when I passed you’d love me still, and visit where I lied.
You held me in tightly when we met, even if we met in dreams
You promised me forever without knowing what itmeans.
You told me I was perfect, you told me everyday
You would love nobody more than me. That’s what you’d always say.
You wanted me to be better than I was, you wanted what was best.
I couldn’t be perfect for you; I tried and failed that test.
I couldn’t keep on feeling like you were slipping from my hands
That your love for me was passing as an hourglass’s sands.
So I chose not to let you rule me, and for a while I was fine.
But I know you and I were meant to be, that we’d be back in time.
As time passed and I wished to speak you couldn’t find my place,
I was the puzzle piece of sky that didn’t have a place.
And so I lie inside my grave, where you swore you would come too
My spirit decays bit by bit as I remember you.
You’re eyes, your smile, your hands your mouth, your laugh and all my tears.
We will never meet again my love, you’ve moved onward with your years.

You're all alone and it hurts
You don't have anyone's arm around your shoulders,
or hands on your waist
or breath on your neck keeping you company-
keeping you warm.
You can't sleep because it's too cold inside of you.
Your heart stopped trying ages ago, your breath is just an act
Your smile, a facade.
The mask is suffocating you, but you like it.
Don't deny it.
The way it tingles and makes you feel something for once in your life,
Makes you feel anything at all.
You love it.
So you let the pain keep you company,
And warm the cold, and fill the void,
and slow your breath...
You now see that pain is your one true love
And with that realization,
You sleep.

I imagine he's in a graveyard
He's beckoning me in.
I see his warm, sweet smile
And I question what's a sin.
He's playing in the bones I see
Among what we've found lost.
I want so much to join him.
I'm weighing what's the cost.
Mom said he'd be in sunshine
I'd find him in better days.
In the springtime I look around me
In the winter I just pray.
My friends say he's inside of me
But they don't really know.
I can't even picture who he is
To the graves I have to go.
Some said I'd find him in first love
I'd find him and so much more.
Love left me cold and broken
I forgot then what life was for.
He's waiting in the graveyard
I know that's where he'll be.
All my life I've looked for him
As I'm sure he's looked for me.
There are so many people on the Earth.
Some he looks for in the rain
For some he looks in sunshine
For me he looks in pain.
I'll find him in a rope and chair
Or maybe in a lake.
When you have nothing left to lose
You have everything at stake.
I'm betting on the graveyard.
I have nowhere else to go.
The outside voices don't understand
They have what I don't know.
This is my goodbye for now
This is how I pay my toll
To find the happiness I never knew.
This bullet through my soul.
I'll see you in the graveyard
That's where my sun does shine.
I'll find him waiting there for me.
In a grave marked only mine.

So here we are again.
Looking at each other with our thoughts racing.
Our hands trembling in tune with our lips
Which burn to say what cannot be said,
What needs to be said,
What isn't worth saying.
Every unspoken word singes my fragile heart,
Bit by bit melting the glue that's been crudely holding it together.
It's not my own anymore.
It's broken, brittle, useless.
Take it and grow old with it.
please
Make a life with it,
Give it purpose
Make it whole
Bring it back from the dead.
I know, though, that you can't.
I know you wish you could mend it
Supplement what's been lost with your own.
But you can't.
I can't.
We can't. Ever.
So I guess it'll be this way.
We'll part ways
Grow old separate of each other
Give our hearts to people who can't give them what they need.
And then we'll die, for real this time.
So that's how this will end.

What solace do any of us have in love and the misery it presents?
It is said that everyone makes mistakes,
But who of us repents?
Which of us compare to Angels?
Whose demons stray not far?
Who of us leaves their pain at the door while others' define who they are?
There is no peace to find in falling
For what falls must hit an end.
Be wary and realize the harder you fall the less likely it is you will mend.
Falling itself is inevitable
We are all selfish things.
We only give love to get more love back
And feel like Life's Queens and Kings.
Then reality comes out of nowhere
Like swift and sudden bad news.
You are struggling in a black and white world to see any colors or hues.
So here you sit and ponder your fall
Surveying the now broken path
Aching from the brokenness in your heart
Feeding now off of your mind and its wrath.
I warn you again do not do it
In love there's no peace to be found.
Only fall if your heart isn't beating
Or your lungs aren't making a sound.

You made me believe in love, in her power and her grace. I freely gave you what I had and you threw it in my face. I didn't think it could be true but you had me at hello, I devoted myself completely to you, I loved you more than you could know. ***** chewed it up and ate it, spat it right there on the ground. And there at your filthy feet my heart and soul I found. You're a demon, you're a serpant, you're a lying, two-faced troll and what's coming for you is big and bad and it wants your blackened soul. I'd say run your heart out but I know there's nothing there, you're just the Devil in a skirt and heels, pure evil with great hair.

I will always be with you, I'll watch you as you grow.
In life I loved you dearly, much more than you could know.
I'll watch you as you grieve to ease your troubled mind.
When you feel you're walking all alone know I won't be far behind.
I'll watch you fall in love, and smile when you smile.
I'll be in your wedding party and the eyes of your first child.
As you grow old I'll carry you, when you break I'll be your crutch
And when you feel so very tired, to my hands you will clutch.
And I promise we will meet again, I'll be waiting for that day.
Until we see each other I'll stay with you everyday.
I'll hold your hand when you depart and embrace your final sigh
Together we'll go to heaven, and never again we'll say goodbye.

For what it's worth it wasn't worth it.
I gambled with my pain.
What's worse I threw your feelings in
and lost more than my gain.
I was secure and happy
Now I'm closed and obsolete.
I thought I'd trust some handsome fool
Who then kicked me to the street.
I dragged your heart into this mess
In one day I lost you too
for someone who was shinier
who glittered like brand new.
And now my heart is broken
Handled one too many times
By people who couldn't give a ****
I was pennies to their dimes.
So for that I say I'm sorry
If I could take it back I would
Of all that came from this mess
Not a single thing was good.
If I could see you one more time
I'd tell you straight and true
That he may have been adventure
But home is always you.

So selfish, so grabby so needy
Take take take
filling me with I owe yous I'm told are good for so much.
But they're not. You skip town, go bankrupt, need a bailout.
Leave me empty, pockets heart and soul.
God my soul.
You painted it so white it shined.
You poisoned me.
Make it appear so deadly clean, I should've seen right through it.
You taped my broken bones back so crudely
But my heart you held the tightest.
So tight you crushed it in your hands and scattered it to the wind as you ran away.
The heart you gave me was counterfeit.
fake, phony, flimsy.
Made of paper and glue, I could tear it apart and you wouldn't feel a thing.
Not one tear.
So selfish. So afraid for yourself.
All the ******* time.

Shes sitting there across from you with her tired eyes clouded over and staring at you without a single word. Pins drop as you remember when you made her smile, made her spirits soar to what she knows she can't reach anymore. You remember when she fell asleep with you on her mind, now she's needing sleep she cannot find. The corners of mouth no longer form a smile, the corners of her eyes drip with tears.
And you don't know what to tell her because you know you've said too much. And she's tired of asking but she needs what you can't seem to let go, what you can't be anymore.
Fingers pointing into silent glances into tears falling ******* the floor. No moonlight finds its way to you, the nights black and blue with remorse.
The sun still refuses to shine while morning creeps in to greet your cold stares. And she remembers how you made her smile and wants nothing but to feel what she fears you can't make her feel anymore.

We're finally here, you said.
As you and I were walking in the dark.
It was cold and my hands were alone
We were trapped by a flurry of people and lights.
Onward we walked, miles and acres
through gates and trees, under the stars with no path.
My lonely hand was burning in my pocket
The other too far away to notice.
O, there were so many sights to see!
As the lights danced around and around  our feet
They were talking and whispering  and yelling to each other
calling loved ones by name and nickname: Larry, Jay, Pete.
And I was looking your way, but you wouldn't've known
You couldn't tell I was staring at your eyes
And hanging on every word you had to say
You looked at me and I turned away
Because my lonely hand was burning a hole in my chest.
I was to ashamed to say the words, but you knew
And in an instant my hand was cool
My lonely hand was no longer alone and my heart fixed.
And you were staring at my eyes, looking my way
And I said we're finally here.

It hurts when Love has passed us by, it hurts our gentle souls.

When our hands reach for another's grasp it hurts to end up cold.

It hurts to know you love someone and know they're good and gone.

To lay awake with memories that never last too long.

To know you've met the one for you and know they do not care;

To wish beyond the realms of life that when you awake they're there;

To feel your heart leaving your chest; to know each of your tears;

To feel inside your back and front a thousand stabbing spears.

What hurts the most is wishing you'd never been left alone.

To have a friend you could call who would always pick up the phone,

To have that chunk ripped out your heart, to feel the missing piece

And every time you take a breath your breathing seems to cease.

No amount of fake, forced laughs or auto-tuned hoorays

Could make up for the happiness you once felt in his gaze.

You didn't leave me
but you let me go.
Now here I am wanting to take back time
And you don't even know.
I need to tell you
but you won't talk to me
You're too busy to take the time
To watch what you should be able to see.
It's me holding a sign
It says I Still Love You
I would do anything for you
And I wish you knew.

Sometimes I find that I am thinking of you
and my eyes drift towards my senses dissapating and
evaporating
in the air like little
wisps
of
smoke
and I can almost catch them in the palms of my hands-
but they instead snuggle around the tips of my fingers and vanish
in the air.
Then I go mad with questions, questions for which I don't know how to answer but by memories,
memories which are countered and argued by speculations.
Did you ever love me?
You said
Yes.
But why, then, did you let me go? Was it because you thought I was already gone,
gone like the little
wisps
of
smoke
that became of my senses?
That I left you?
I did.
I had already bought the coffin for my memories to be buried in with our love.
But you do not control your heart with your mind.
Do you?
No, you do not. You cannot.
Did I ever love you?
I said
Yes.
And I do.
And be mine forever, never let me leave you.
But you did, you bought my ticket and paid the cab.
You hurt me.
But I still long for you.
And just like that my strength vanishes
evaporating
like the little
wisps
of
smoke.
And I wimper like a lost child.
I am a lost child,
find me again, before I elude you
like my fingertips were by the gentle wisps.
Catch me before I fall.