See I think I have been duped again
I am not apologetic for his actions
I cannot believe this obscenity
Is what excuse I have for our reality.

This is not my favorite day
I have no idea about the chickens in the truck
But **** -
Please realize I am not playing
And everyone else can **** a ****.

Help not the idiot without an excuse
I let too many people claim honesty
And believe.

Like suicide I shall begin again
And then....

Blood and desert, sand and stone
Making more of time alone.
Wasted memory is death unplugged
I am nothing but on the rug.
I hate life when I am just a myth,
If I squint I almost see it.
Jack and Jill cannot climb that hill
If neither has legs, and there's no pail.

Not and then again a kind of annoyance I see here taking place.
I am smiling when I get out of this place.

So fake. The taparoo he speaks of
And less than elevated is my mood as I await the verdict of my income status.

This is what happens...
When one is not of the workman's habits,
Thus is moi.

Whoa! I had not known
Rendering the lone, clone, honed
Underwear so blown out of its natural positioning:
It is not me but his epiphany.

Simply riveting this horor movie ***** and all her galore.

(Yawn)
I'm bored.

good grief** shrieks the silence I have not obtained
Yet still optimistically await inside the corridor of mind chatter I am.

Yes man, I'd scram if that's your plan - it demands too many details
From those who have less substance that whispers from mutes to deaf ears.

He is not real; I am not allowing the nots!
He is just real and perfect for me...
I am secretly affected to transmutation of myself into a silly girl.
Do not reveal
what I have just revealed.

No telling how I strategized this maneuver,
With subconsciousness in the captain's chair
No co-pilot at hand.
I am very hopeful for the self to not this time ruin
Whatever he sees that he seeks to be near-to...
Wish me luck on that one, too... I know I shall
Get this one and not have it unveiled as another

All possibilities do stand open and waiting our choices to live
Our story so good it is certainly outlawed and classified
So good it is we almost forget we really just wanted to die
When I ran into him in the street that night.

If this should switch again
I shall not enjoy any more breath!
I am undone by notions of Perhaps -
Corroding no more this connected love lust lock!
I will not leave random by tantrum
Nor charge fare...
All the while, he sweetly poisons my blood.
No remedy? Found hidden solace in a bottle
As Indigo, quoted, backs into bitter ends.
Ending as opposite me is said aloud,
And vow to smile more all the while.
Adoring tingly over the self I've styled!
Smile, smile. Smile a while and breathe...
Breathe.

I am not doing this right tonight.
He asked me to write and so I am
But, ****.
Inside this coiled bitter empty now...
Resigning to cold unwillingness - I shall not try
To raise the drum of myself from hell, this apathy,
Knowing it means what exactly it means
To allow such a thing verbalized to stay being,
No, I don't take it back.
Such things so accelerate the dwindling of my beauty ever more,
But so what! I would scream, had I the energy.
I do not care of these, nor any other things.
Today marks my surrender to being nothing
Bleeding is open diembowelment of my heart
Quiet now, the songs it always used to sing easily...
I bet he is not even thinking of me, not even today.
Did he remember the date? Sixth day of the seventh month -
Where were we last year at this time?
Ah, I remember now: I was at home, with him -
When "home" meant him,
Oh how I miss those moments!
I still have the flash-flooded crying, it still releases nothing.
The echoing ever deepens here inside empty hollows of the me-shell...
I am Hell now.
Surely, I need not excrete with the likes of such drama as that -
I am simply shattered and crushed
And radio the coordinates of my position.
Rejected: I shall have the word boldly stamped with tatoo
Down the entire side of my left arm.
Seriously deflating me is the negativity feeling
I'm spending more of my moments these days-
Not surging with bubbling verve towards half-full perceptions;
But hey, it's o.k.:
I don't care, remember?
I said so just only a moment ago!
Get out of here now if  your intending to cheer me up
Or some other idiotic and wasted endevor -
No one will ever - whatever - be as clever as me:
Who waited 3 decades of blind wading thru
Sludge of countless pretender encounters
Only to allow the full expanse of her child-like heart and soul
Be entirely defined all too briefly by one individual, one mean man,
To become such a fool over that lying tool! I was schooled!
Never once was he what he had promised at the start.
Made me think he was opening up, had his heart,
That he felt love, love meant just for me!
And I believed.
Believed I was safe, handed him Once-In-Lifetime feelings
And he didn't even care nor accept it from me.
He just threw me aside absently, you see?
Wasted over a man not concerned for my anything...
My Lord, please: what to make of this thing?
I beg to have the end of this excruciating pain
The silence and having no closure, not getting to see him
PLEASE! Please, bring this throbbing desire to me finally!!
Realize now my dream of him coming for me.
In vain I do plead.
He looks so happy in the pictures I have seen
In my Quest of Obsession which constantly consumes my whole being...
I cannot begin to get over this thing.
I love him so much- but Ed never loved me it painfully seems.
& under this pain will the rest of my days ever be.
Eternally and insecurely I shall seek it to be!