why do i still
daydream you will come to my door

why can't i
sleep at night

i toss and turn
and think of you

i miss you more than
you could ever know
and more than i could
ever say

What's done in darkness, soon comes to light
Bodies hidden in the dark awake from the night

Crimes committed against innocents, just because are hard to ignore
Secrets buried are secrets no more

Nameless faceless victims belonged to someone
were loved
are missed

In the forgotten decades where they lay, time moved in tiny increments.

But memories persist

Mothers, fathers, daughters, and brothers are deeply missed.

The scars on our psyche
decades of pain, horror, and despair
Descendants carry the burden from which there is no amnesty

Sentenced to carry the grief of living with the thief who stole
life
and love

Replaced with the cold, harsh light of day
that nothing could have been said
or done
to bring back your loved one

Time only serves, to show that often people do not get what they deserve.

You visited me in a dream
the same but different
so it seemed

I wonder why you happened into my subconsciousness

but, there you are all at ease, and your familiar smile
yes, it's been a minute
quite a while

you sat in a chair across from me
talking most exuberantly
about everything and nothing

I listened, happy to see you
I don't remember what you said
only the way you said it.

Happy to see you, when I awoke
I recalled

I saw your face, but not the words you spoke
Maybe we will meet again
in another dream

the house is big
and silent
without you in it

no barking or howling
just uncharacteristically quiet.

i miss your
scruffy grey bearded face
and soft cinnamon colored fur

the sweet way you slept
seemingly without a care

but
looming as it always does
is the end

i knew it was coming
it never made it easier
knowing this

my friend kc, who still tried
even when his sight went
and his legs gave out

who still showed me flashes
of that little ball of fur
i fell in love with
so many years ago

then the time came and i had to let you go
but it feels like you are never far away from me

i expect you to be there

i still say goodnight
and tell you to sleep well

i say these things out of
habit - maybe

but i hope
that you can still hear me

when i say
love you man

it makes me feel
a little better

because i think you can

words that rhyme
taking snippets out of time.

they can be here and now
or long ago.

they can be familiar
or someone you don't know.

they can speak of love given
or of love hidden.

they can be happiness or sorrow
but, always they tell a story.

a poem is what i wanted to write
to say the things i feel.
no matter how difficult
i wanted to get to the real.

words to help me with fixing my broken places
anointing me with all that graces my heart.

I write to…
get out of my head
to rid me of dread
to understand
to be understood

I write…
how I’m feeling
or how I wish I felt
when my words are bad
when they are good

I write and…
it makes perfect sense
or makes no sense at all

I write…
to connect the dots
to find a clue
to get to a better me
to appreciate you

I write...
Because I have to

Today is the last day of baseball season in DC
it has been a rollercoaster of ups and downs.

But, with the crack of a bat, or an unbelievable double play, DC managed to catch an elusive unicorn. Colored, bright red, white, and blue.

Embroidered with a curly W.

This team may not be together next year this thought brings great sadness in me I wish they could stay like this, eternally.

But baseball like life is fleeting, and the World Series champions title may seem more far than near.

That ubiquitous call of wait 'til next year gathers ever closer
we fear

We want to hold on to the magic... of this year
To the excitement and wonder and the chanties of Baby Shark that fill the ear.


It is the end...for us at home this year, there still may be two games left to play, as hard as it is for me to say

See y'all Nats, and Nats fans; next year.

To some the rain and clouds cause dismay
But I happen to like the gray
Let spring run its course
For soon we will remorse
About these last cool days in May

Today is the day you left us, three years ago.
This morning I cried, I still miss you so.
I heard the rain gently falling outside.
I believe you miss us too.

I brush my cheek,
against the downy softness of yours.

Your scent hypnotic,
opening up to the ******.

Hands trace my form
fingers agile and warm.

Your kisses divine
exploring your body as you explore mine.

We are Columbus and Magellan,
desire the North Star.

Guiding us, showing where we are

Lips on lips
hands on hips.

We are two ships,
Charting the seas

Waves pull us to and fro
we reach our peak
unable to speak.

Awash in the glow of
... aw you know.

Resting cheek on chest,
hand on breast.

We sleep, until seas calm again
but unlike those explorers,
We will set sail to discover all over again.

Ever lightening shades of night blue
Make way for a paler hue
The moon closes her sleepy eyes
And bids adieu in favor of more dynamic skies
The sun moves boldly back to his domain
The King has returned to resume his reign!

OK, I was upset - he said something
that stung
it smarted
ouch.

I wanted to run
but didn't
I felt my face change
my lips purse
my demeanor stiffen
did he notice?

He'd given me an orange earlier that day
now I wanted to stomp on it
crush it...
but what did that orange do to me?

I thought of giving it away
but did not
so it sat on my desk
until Friday.

When I finally looked at his picture and said
I'm not mad at you anymore
and meant it.

Later that afternoon in my office
I heard someone speak
but I was focused on helping someone at the time.

They spoke again, I turned around
and there he was.

We talked for a little while
and briefly I wondered if he noticed
the changes in my being that day
but then I thought of it no more.

He was here, I was not mad
and I realized
when I let go of feeling hurt
let go of being mad and decided to love him anyway.

God opened a window and it was my heart.

Mesmerizing eyes
full of sparkle and wonder

My heart melts
with the spell, I am under

Light dances in your eyes
radiating softly, offering dazzling surprises

Magical vistas, comforting and warm
I am besotted with your otherworldly, mystical charm

Tones of gold, brown, and green
such color wonders I've never seen

Ignites and magnifies  
The sparkle inside of you

Overcast and dreary
The weather aptly reflects my mood
Yet you permeate my thoughts

Nearer to me than the heavens
But still so far away
O radiant creature

Your countenance which rivals that of the sun
Brightens my existence

What agony it is to be so close to you
And not spill the secrets of my heart

Still I am silent

How can I speak to you of love when mine has been
Unrequited and from afar?

I've seen you around for a while.
I wonder what your name is.
I want to see you smile.

Hey brown eyes,
don't you want to come out and play?

one of us had to go
i am sorry tho

i miss your countenance
and the self-assuredness you
displayed

but one of us had to go
we could not carry on
the way things were

as magnetic as you are
i was not going to make a move
even tho deep inside i wanted to

yes, i know in my heart it's true
things could not stay the same
life is not meant to be lived that way

i hope you are happy, wherever you are
now that i no longer see
that face which brought such pleasure to me

if by chance, we meet again
i will continue to control my glee

for mine is an unrequited love
meant only for me.

In the murky realm of feelings
I am a stranger
It is hard for me to say how
Or what I am feeling
I realize
I am a relic
You see me as reserved
As cool and distant as the moon
I see me as observational
Watching and wondering
Always taking my time
Life moves much faster than I do
Sometimes
Which is why I miss opportunities
But one chance I don’t want to miss
Is you

I don't believe in romantic love
not anymore

I have lived my life in hope
only to see it crash in despair
just to rise and do it again

I am too old to live on happily ever after dreams
and even those are not usually what they seem

I believe in the love of puppies
or kittens
in familial love or that of friends

Yet, part of me
misses that little bit of glee
when you meet someone
and revel in the possibilities

But I will get over it
I usually do

Still, sometimes it's nice to revel in an old romance
or two

Then, I am back to myself
back to not believing in romantic love ... again

Takes little bites of cheesecake
Feels gentle breezes that stir the leaves on trees
Or God’s gentle hand that moves us on

Sees the skies that are gray
Smiles anyway because it Friday
Sees the begonias bow and say good day

I look to the sunless sky
And realize, I’m OK

Hanging low in the western sky
The sun prepares his exit
Pink and purple hues light the way
As night, readies to take the stage
The brilliance of the moon can already be seen
As day submits to night
Her cool sovereignty lights the deepening blue sky …
All hail the queen!

I had a dream once
And held on to it tight

It was all I ever wanted
But it ever came to light

That dream
I finally had to let it go

Would never come to fruition now
It and I am too old

I couldn’t hold on anymore
It was never coming true

I wonder about dreams
Sometimes

Are they just something to do

Or do they actually come true

It is a new year and I
Having no dream
Only can focus on the day to day

One step at a time
That is my dream

Today

I've caught the bouquet
But never got to be a bride

I let things
scare me out of
who I could have been...

I let fear
dictate too much of my life
and I've missed opportunities.

It's been this way for so long -
I think my walls will never
come down.

So I make myself comfortable
Or try to
In this place,
In this life that does not
Fit me

I take responsibility
For passively existing but it’s hard
Learning how to live.

I got up this morning
and put on - that sweater you like.

Slipping it on, in my head
I heard your voice gentle and caressing
"I like that sweater on you".

From the tone in your voice
I believe if there had been another choice -
you would prefer my sweater off, not on.

Maybe today I will see you and
if I do, say - something nice about my sweater,
because I thought of you.

delicious kisses
both kinds
i can't decide which
is sweeter, yours or
the candy kind
first i unwrap one
then two...
forget the candy
i'll unwrap you.

Today is like any other
Cloudy skies
The rain pours
Trees shift
Traffic slows

Umbrellas are useless

I feel gloomy, misty too
But it’s not the weather

It’s the silence

A piece of my puzzle that is missing

My mother

It’s been nine months

It seems longer
And shorter
Time has no worth

It just is

Like my broken heart

poor tiger
allowing the
fickle whims of life
usurp her grandeur
going with the flow
not going with her fire
allowing the pressure of
the everyday
drive her
further and further
from what God intended her to be
she sees her stripes
her coat majestic
the beat of her heart
her eyes electric
she
now
sees
what
she was
meant to be
she... is me.

resting my head against the window
listening to the whir of the car engine
and the radio

my brother and sister on the car seat next to me
my mother and father sitting silently
on our way home from grandma's house

streetlights light the way home

i close my eyes
and it feels like i am flying

the car moves smoothly over uneven pavement
wavelike in its motion

i open my eyes to see
the moon... watching me

we play peek-a-boo through the tops of trees
the moon and me

the brightest light in the deep night sky
racing home with me

Hiding a tiger can be a fatality.

Human beings desiring the powers of God.
Attempt to usurp power from his creatures.

Wishing to have the stamina of the tiger.
Man destroys what he oft admires.

Instead of exaltation, these creatures face elimination.
Possession, man's obsession.

Be careful of what you admire.
Your desire could lead to your demise.

And as John F. Kennedy noted —
"those who foolishly sought power
by riding on the back of the tiger ended up inside".

Instead of lusting after his bones and hide.
Revere this animal's raw power, reclusive nature
and desire to survive.

Or, inside of the tiger you will reside.

I always thought
If I kept my head down
Avoided obvious dangers
And minded my own business
I'd be safe

But...
There is no such thing as safe
Life interferes with what you had planned
I never thought that I would be in this place
At this time and
I'm sad

I feel like there is a clock ticking
And I am running out of time
Which I did not make good use of
So I am, waiting for the other shoe to drop
Death

And I am scared
Not so much of dying...That is a gimme
But of not really living
Or loving
Or being loved

I just cannot seem to let myself be vulnerable
To let someone in
How does one do that?
Let down carefully crafted walls
Sometimes I think I am getting better at it
And then I take two steps back -

So, I like this guy
And I
Have used every angle
To explain why I shouldn't like him

I'm too old (for him)
He's too young (for me)
I'm fat
He's not
I'm not beautiful
He is
He is radiant
I am weary
I do not know why he likes me
I know why I like him

Outside of the
He is tall
And good looking
He is sweet
He takes care of things
He is  funny
He gives great hugs

Why I can't see past what I lack
To see what I may have
Is it so bad that I want him?
Sometimes yes, sometimes no
Yes when I think about age
Or size
No when I think about how I feel in his arms

What do I do?
I hate it when I don't see him
Over the moon when I do

How can I let go
When I am bracing myself for a fall?

It was the circumstance of my birth
just my being here on planet earth

to be born in the '60s
to be born in a segregated USA

None of that affected me as I grew
under an illusion
that I was America too

but, the more I read and began to understand
I was born into this separated land

I used to listen to my mama
recount stories of how things used to be
those stories I thought were from long ago
are not so far away from me

I never thought about it, fighting to be free
it was something I assumed I already had
but that was naive
The things that we tell ourselves the stories that we weave

complacency or wishful thinking

How can I  look at my American life the same way?
Things are not much different fifty years down the road
and I am not sure what the future holds

How can I unknow what I now know about being born in
a segregated USA

If not for those who laid life and limb on the line
those stories from my mama would too be mine
I don't know who I am now, knowing what could have been

if i could go back in time
to a place before
your cancer
when all was fine

if i could have another
phone call, or email

another minute of
you saying "hey girlie"

another second of you asking
what was I doing?

i would take them
just to wish you

Happy Birthday

I like the night
with its peacefully drawn black curtains
and stars winking
they speak softly and elegantly
I close my eyes and open my arms to the sky
I feel the earth leave
and I fly

This morning
I opened my eyes

And  began my day

I brushed my teeth
Combed my hair
And made my way downstairs

My dog follows me closely
He knows it's time for food

I open the door
To let him out

I am greeted by the
Most amazing amber light
The light is warm in hue, if not in feel

The sun,  beautiful
Golden

There is a chill in the air
Yet I feel warmed by the golden light
Filtered through the lens of December

your eyes pull me in
like the moon draws the ocean tide.
beckoning, inviting me to taste, to see and feel.
all that summer has to offer.
your sweetness, ripe like mango.
your warmth caressing like the sun.
in those eyes i see all the colors of the sunset.
and beaches that stretch for miles.
i decide, to stay a while.

I've done this before
I said to myself
on am warm, windy, DC afternoon

This feels familiar,
I had done this before
just not in this time or place

The feeling I had was familiar, friendly
warm and cozy
like meeting an old friend

That feeling was 189 miles and 30 years ago
that feeling was summer
that feeling was Mario

I have not seen him in all of that time

He lived there, I live here, and
time moved us along, but

He was always there, in the memory banks of time

Remembrances of him would come to me and
I enjoyed his visits

It was a place of possibilities, the first blush of love, and
I thought that would go on forever
but as we know when we get older, forever is subjective
what seems lasting and permanent isn't always that way

It's nice he came to visit me, even if he could not stay

Walking through the tall grass
Through barely veiled eyes I spy, my prey
I watch hungrily, waiting to make my move
studying you, biding my time
Passionately aware of the hunger residing deep inside.

I feel you, every inch, every pore - you will be mine.

From my lair, I contemplate your sweet surrender
Anticipating your lusciousness, my desire for you barely restrained,
it permeates my being -

Edging closer, I proceed with determined steps and with a nimble burst of speed I move forward.

In the choreography of life and death, the hunter becomes the hunted I am pursued as I pursue
Predicting our fate, a sonata of potency, passion and purpose.
We succumb to the little deaths that make this pursuit worthwhile.

Stealthily I walk off victorious and satiated.

busy like bees
we are

building lives
buying houses, cars and
impractical things

we go about our reality
like we
will live forever

but we won’t

we are temporal
and
will go the way of all time constricted beings
sooner or later

love who you want
eat that last bit of ice cream
live your life
love and be loved

I’m feeling, some kinda way
Not sad exactly
Not happy either
I’m in that place
Where moodiness
Seems to reign supreme
And wanting to cry
Omnipresent
Is it the season
When feeling overwhelmed
Is the norm
And daydreaming for me
Is kinda like ****
I’m addicted to those
Visions in my head
Where perfection lies
He always loves me
My house is clean
And everything is everything
Today I am happiest in my head
As I lay on my pillow in my rarely
Made bed
I think of things you said
That make me smile
Even when I'm awake

I put on very red lips
looked in my mirror
and took a trip

back 20 years or so
to a place long ago
and a boy I used to know

we were beautiful then
as time would have me remember
I thought those days would be forever
but, I now know better

time has passed
I don't know where he is now
I'm not the same
and I'm sure neither is he

but in my head...
a song
a memory
or very red lipstick takes me
back and I am that girl
with those days that would last
forever

I am older now
and I know better

i am restless
waiting for a great wind
to blow through me
like leaves that shimmer on the trees
waiting for my chance to fly

Of us girls three,
You, me and Dee
You were the soul
Of our little trio.

The one who,
Would from time to time
Talk to us about the hereafter.

Little did we
Know, that as our soul
You would be the first to go.

And for all of our sadness and loss,
It only makes sense
That you would be the one who
Could put in a good word
Or maybe two.

You, who wanted to make sure
We knew God
Would get there first --
To make a place for
You, me and Dee.

This cool summer morning,
Walking down the street.
I press puffy white clouds,
Tall trees and bountiful blooms,
Into my memory like a scrapbook.
I don’t know how many of these days are left for me,
but I want to remember as many and as much as possible.
_________________­_

It’s something we all have to deal with - eventually.
I’m old,
I’m over.
People call me ma’am.
I feel like a forgotten toy no one wants to play with anymore.
__________________­__

Why does summer drain me so?
I feel depleted, and only return to life
when autumn comes.

piece by piece
brick by brick
I put up walls to
keep me safe

at first, I thought it a good idea
I could move through life
feeling kind of secure

  but
I have found
what I wanted to keep out
was necessary to grow

I needed the friction of
what scared me to make me
who I was supposed to be

  instead
I am bored within these walls and restless

and have missed out on so much
yet,  I feel unable to break free of that habit
now a part of me.

unfertilized seeds of love
cherished, yet adored
for what they could have been

left in its pristine state

always loved
for its potential
but never allowed to grow

never to be soaring and strong
a force of nature

never to bear sweet succulent fruit

or to become a shelter when storms
abide

here i stand
on this dried out land

where seeds were sown
and love never grown

lies silent

i miss what could have been

I feel yellow
Like the sun
I am radiant

I feel life-affirming
I feel infinite

I am possibilities
I am love

i wanted to find
some eloquent quote to say
how much i miss you.

but, of all the words ever written,
or that ever will be written.
nothing says it more than -

i miss you, mom.