I've caught the bouquet
But never got to be a bride

I let things
scare me out of
who I could have been...

I let fear
dictate too much of my life
and I've missed opportunities.

It's been this way for so long -
I think my walls will never
come down.

So I make myself comfortable
Or try to
In this place,
In this life that does not
Fit me

I take responsibility
For passively existing but it’s hard
Learning how to live.

the house is big
and silent
without you in it

no barking or howling
just uncharacteristically quiet.

i miss your
scruffy grey bearded face
and soft cinnamon colored fur

the sweet way you slept
seemingly without a care

but
looming as it always does
is the end

i knew it was coming
it never made it easier
knowing this

my friend kc, who still tried
even when his sight went
and his legs gave out

who still showed me flashes
of that little ball of fur
i fell in love with
so many years ago

then the time came and i had to let you go
but it feels like you are never far away from me

i expect you to be there

i still say goodnight
and tell you to sleep well

i say these things out of
habit - maybe

but i hope
that you can still hear me

when i say
love you man

it makes me feel
a little better

because i think you can

I’m feeling, some kinda way
Not sad exactly
Not happy either
I’m in that place
Where moodiness
Seems to reign supreme
And wanting to cry
Omnipresent
Is it the season
When feeling overwhelmed
Is the norm
And daydreaming for me
Is kinda like ****
I’m addicted to those
Visions in my head
Where perfection lies
He always loves me
My house is clean
And everything is everything
Today I am happiest in my head
As I lay on my pillow in my rarely
Made bed
I think of things you said
That make me smile
Even when I'm awake

In the murky realm of feelings
I am a stranger
It is hard for me to say how
Or what I am feeling
I realize
I am a relic
You see me as reserved
As cool and distant as the moon
I see me as observational
Watching and wondering
Always taking my time
Life moves much faster than I do
Sometimes
Which is why I miss opportunities
But one chance I don’t want to miss
Is you

Of us girls three,
You, me and Dee
You were the soul
Of our little trio.

The one who,
Would from time to time
Talk to us about the hereafter.

Little did we
Know, that as our soul
You would be the first to go.

And for all of our sadness and loss,
It only makes sense
That you would be the one who
Could put in a good word
Or maybe two.

You, who wanted to make sure
We knew God
Would get there first --
To make a place for
You, me and Dee.

I always thought
If I kept my head down
Avoided obvious dangers
And minded my own business
I'd be safe

But...
There is no such thing as safe
Life interferes with what you had planned
I never thought that I would be in this place
At this time and
I'm sad

I feel like there is a clock ticking
And I am running out of time
Which I did not make good use of
So I am, waiting for the other shoe to drop
Death

And I am scared
Not so much of dying...That is a gimme
But of not really living
Or loving
Or being loved

I just cannot seem to let myself be vulnerable
To let someone in
How does one do that?
Let down carefully crafted walls
Sometimes I think I am getting better at it
And then I take two steps back -

So, I like this guy
And I
Have used every angle
To explain why I shouldn't like him

I'm too old (for him)
He's too young (for me)
I'm fat
He's not
I'm not beautiful
He is
He is radiant
I am weary
I do not know why he likes me
I know why I like him

Outside of the
He is tall
And good looking
He is sweet
He takes care of things
He is  funny
He gives great hugs

Why I can't see past what I lack
To see what I may have
Is it so bad that I want him?
Sometimes yes, sometimes no
Yes when I think about age
Or size
No when I think about how I feel in his arms

What do I do?
I hate it when I don't see him
Over the moon when I do

How can I let go
When I am bracing myself for a fall?

Overcast and dreary
The weather aptly reflects my mood
Yet you permeate my thoughts

Nearer to me than the heavens
But still so far away
O radiant creature

Your countenance which rivals that of the sun
Brightens my existence

What agony it is to be so close to you
And not spill the secrets of my heart

Still I am silent

How can I speak to you of love when mine has been
Unrequited and from afar?