My face is
Your shame
My pain is
Your reminder
My words are
A knife

In twenty years
It will matter
To me that
I did not receive
A card
On our anniversary
And it will matter
That you
Did not listen
To me
As I was asking
For your love
And affection
Over and over
Again

And now it is
“My fault”
That I left
You alone
To feel the space
I took up and now
I’m disturbed
For disrupting
Your world

I gave you myself
Wrapped up
In a little bow
All of the beautiful
Things I could think of
Generosity and
Kindness and
Tenderness in the
Face of stress and
Sleep deprivation
And my financial support
Endlessly
Despite my own
Tribulations
Yours were always
More pressing
More stressful
More important
I was constant
For you
I wanted to be
Perfect
For you
But I didn’t realize
The toll it was taking
On me

When I tell you
I love you
You could never believe me
Not now, especially
But I have to finally
Love myself
More than I love you
Do you understand that?
I cannot pour myself
Out to you
If I have nothing to give
The nurturing love
The love I needed myself
I gave it all away to you
Because I felt that
You needed it more
Than I did
Maybe you did
But I need it now

I need myself
Where is she?
I’m finding her
I need her
I need her sweet love
That I’ve never had
That you loved so much
You loved the love
I gave you
But did you love me?
My cracks and flaws
And imperfections
The darker parts of me
The parts I tried to hide
I am gathering myself up
To find a way
To care for the parts of myself
That I’ve deemed unlovable
That no one would want
I want to want myself

You put me on low
Let me simmer alone
All day long
While you worked
Expecting I’d be ready
When you came home

You set me
And forgot me

Bon appetit

He used to go to another room
When I played my favorite songs
The piano would clash
When I got notes wrong

It turns out, though
He never told me that
He went to another room
So I could relax

He loves to hear me play
But he was giving me space
To relieve my performance pressure
So I could make mistakes

He knew I felt compelled
To be perfect in every way
He thought it would be less stressful
If he was away

All the things he never told me
The secret ways he cares
I’m slowly uncovering them
The more that he shares

I set out at sunset with Spotify
“Ophelia” as my soundtrack
Trekking on the Huckleberry trail
As the sky faded from red to black

“Sirens” began and there I was
Looking at my ex to say goodbye
Unable to feel anything like him
Forcing feigned tears from sapphire eyes

“29 #Strafford APTS” sang and I recall
Wondering what and who he’d be
Imagining a man I didn’t know if existed
Someone who’d love and cherish me

I dreamed he would know me deeply
Love my quirks and intricacies
Know my hopes and dreams and secrets and fears
And remember how I like my coffee

I wished for someone transcendent
To make life light up like a rampart
Someone that liked to learn and grow
Someone like “Steal Your Heart”

Then with a twist of fate you appeared
We reconnected like “Lost Stars”
You made me feel so new again
Despite our past love’s scars

“Lay Me Down” brought me back
To nights spent miles apart
Long distance with the one I love
Empty arms missing half a heart

Sometimes we felt like “Two Ghosts”
Sometimes when you weren’t there
Sometimes we didn’t talk enough
I was left without your care

But it felt like “Home” when you returned
My cross heart melted when you arrived
Catching up on all the time we lost
An era of distance we survived

I’ve always felt this “Stubborn Love”
It cuts me deep, it heals me too
Joys, devastation, laughter, life
I’m living it with you

But as we’ve lived, at times I feel
You’ve been a “Cold Cold Man”
I’ve felt ignored, I’ve felt rejected
I have felt less than less than

When I encountered “Someone New”
It caught me solely by surprise
Somehow you supported and encouraged me
When you saw the sparkle in my eyes

This one I met was different
He came in like a “Happy Accident”
It was so easy to feel it all at once
My preoccupations up and went

My feelings for him did not begin
Because of your inattention
He woke up something inside of me
Something I forgot to mention

He made me feel new in a new way
Flow so easy, we were a “River”
Kindness and connection I can’t contain
The intoxicating alchemy of two givers

But you and I were not aligned
You didn’t realize the full extent
To which I fell into “Someone Else”
Into “Madness”, your descent

Now I am working to pick myself up
The future feels like a maybe
All of this occurred when I opened up
And that’s just “Wasteland, Baby!”

How could I suffocate
My living, breathing fantasies?
Vacuum seal them, pack them up
Asphyxiate the fire inside me

Why do I detest the intricate ways
My heart wants what it wants?
Its off rhythm beats and wildness
A feral labyrinth of knots

I am slowly untying, exploring and finding
Myself within my own mess
If others deserve what makes them happy
Why would I deserve any less?

I need to be leaving
I’m going away
It’s too painful
Right now, to stay

I found a place
For a few days
To be alone
Leave no trace

I hope I will
Hear my quiet voice
Find myself there
Without the noise