I sit patiently in the passenger seat staring out the window watching the scenery move at 60 miles an hour.

All I can think about is how you’re sitting so close to me, not even a foot away.

But somehow, you still feel so far.

The trees outside feel closer to me than you do.

I ask you where we’re going and you stay silent. I don’t think you heard me.

I turn my head to the window again, routinely.

You turn the volume up on a song we both know.

Our fingers begin tapping to the beat in unison.

That makes me feel a bit closer to you, but not much.

I wonder if our hearts are beating in unison as well.

I don’t want to ruin the moment by speaking, but I have so many questions.

“How old were you when you lost your first tooth?”

“When did you figure out the truth about Santa?”

“What is your favorite color?”

“Do you feel the same way about me? The way I feel about you?”

I mutter the last one under my breath.

“Did you say something?” you ask.

“No, no. I’m just talking to myself.”

I don’t think you heard me when I told you how I felt in your car.

Thank you for always being my friend, even when I was in a bad spot. Thank you for never letting me down and always giving me advice. Thank you for continuing to give me advice, even though I’m stubborn and hard headed. You truly are a best friend and I’m sorry I didn’t realize it until recently. Thank you for guiding me through everything. Thank you for never leaving my side. Thank you for sticking up to me. Thank you for being you. The you that is beautiful beyond comparison. You have a beautiful mind and a beautiful soul. You are so great and worth every breath you take. Thank you for never leaving me. I love you.

Tonight, I sat in the front seat of your car. We were on our way back to camp. The time was just right. The sun was setting. The sky was a pinkish orange. You had the windows down and the air felt just right. As we drove over the lake, you were basically screaming the words to an 80’s song, I giggled to myself and looked at you. I looked back out the window wishing there could be more moments like that one.

Hi. I hope you’re well. I don’t know you, but I hope you had a good day. And I hope you have a good tomorrow and all the days after that. You are a beautiful person. I hope that you aren’t sad because I hate when you’re sad, even if I don’t know you. I love you, though. If you ever need anyone to talk to, I’ll always be here to talk. I hope you’re happy because you deserve it.

I hope that one day we will be sitting in your car, going nowhere. And that day you will look at me as I stare out the window and realize how much you really love me. And then you will grab my hand and I will look at you and smile. And all the words will be in that smile. And I would lean in to kiss your cheek, and that’s when we would fall in love and run away.

I don’t know what I’m feeling right now. I just feel sort of numb. Like when you leave ice on your skin for a while. Except the ice is inside my body. I’ve lost the ability to hurt. To feel pain. I’d rather feel pain than nothing at all. At least that way I know I’m alive.

I close my eyes again and go to a place I feel safe. The tall, green trees. The place of purple and yellow flowers. The place of soft grass and a gentle breeze. I’m in a white sundress, sitting on a log under the sun, or maybe I’m lying in a field. I’m lying there with the person I love. We just look at the sky and the beautiful place we are in. I feel like I could write a book about that place. A place I’ve never been to but long to visit. Every time I imagine it, music starts to play, my eyes close, and I’m at peace. For those few minutes of silence, I am truly at peace. All of my worries, pains, and troubles are gone. That place I visit in my mind keeps me holding on for a little bit longer. I want to visit that place someday. I want to see the beauty. Nature is beauty and I want to be beautiful. My place keeps me safe, and it’s all my own. When I get there, I can say to myself, “You made it. You did it. You’re here, you’re safe, you’re alive.” And boy, will I cry when I get there. It’s my Heaven on Earth. I will make it. I will do it. I will get there. I will be safe.
I will be alive.