Stuck
in a never ending cycle
of being
dropped
on my ***
each and every time
the ride ends

Picked up and
dropped
smashed
left
abandoned
and lost

It is time
for me to end
the cycle
to save myself from the
pain
torture
heartache

unable to breath
without the thought of you
yet unable to move the blood
through the pathways of my veins
with you here

all I can think
is about the next time
the ride will end
and she will be standing
blonde and beautiful
at the ticket line
holding your hand.

I will be left
in the dust
dropped
from the ferris wheel
And I have used all my tickets.

I've always been one to deviate,
swimming the opposite direction of the current.
Thrashing to be free;
freedom never came easy.
A flower, stationary but sending seeds
flying, busily though the soft breeze.
Have you ever seen them parachute?
Landing on a nest of soil, and somehow,
some way, the perfect sequence of events occur
and a new flower is created.
A dog ate a few.
A few landed in a small puddle,
and a few created life.
I have been eaten alive,
left abandoned in a puddle,
and I have lived.
I'm alive?
Well that was some coincidence.
I'll lean over, and let the bees pollinate
all flowers around me
as i continue to blossom.

Coffee and the smell of second hand smoke
A homeless man holding a sign for change
“Spare change?” he says
But changeless, we drive
Nothing; no thoughts invade our minds
Megan plays on the radio; we scream at the top of our lungs
And we feel alive
And our problems fly out the window, we have no sense of time
And the truck rolls over the potholes with ease
Soon it gets dark, light fades through the trees
The bittersweet loss of the sun to the stars
we watch people in the parking lot enter the bars
Toothless man picks weeds from cracks in the sidewalk
Nothing we do or say will make him talk
And then there’s us

she swore she would never do it again,
through labored breathing;
and with each puff
he envisions her insides
her swelling lungs,
tar filled and stained.
"Another drink?" She asks.
"No, I've seen dimmer lights," he says.
And they suffocate the room
with silence.
He stares out the window
into the darkness of evening.
"I had a vision, a different one.
Neither of us had labored hands."
"I don't understand," she says.
"Like this table, it's too sturdy,
and this door has too many locks.
And you, too many scars."
"You think too much," she says.
At that, he exits the room
as dawn begins.

soft, yet cold as it piles up
on the top of the wooden fence
behind the farm house
white as crystal, no imperfections
it sparkles in light, hard for the eyes
but still, i continue to stare
for a moment, I hear a whistle
calling my name from behind the large oaks
I run for you, through the layers of untouched snow
leaving my scarf loosely wrapped around the fence
cautiously I approach you
I ask why you are here
why you have come
but to that you cannot respond
you stand still, arms to your chest
I can see myself in your eyes, deep blue
the light glistening from below
and then you leave
as abruptly as you had come
without further questions
I grab my scarf
and venture into the farm house.

Sirens and Flashing Lights
Adrenalin rush
Fight or flight
Families hysterical
A life in my hands
Emotions unbearable
Death starts where I stand
Elderly man in a diaper
Once healthy and wise
Now nearly deceased
En route he may die
The road starts to shake
The ambulance makes way
Not much more he can take
I shock him right away
His vocals make sound
Which I Mistaken for life
His pulse barely there
I imagine his wife
She Watches her Husband
At the end of his race
Tears start to fall down
Her panic-stricken face
We arrive at the hospital
He is seconds from death
Watching the wise man go
I will never forget

You have played softball for years
You know the rules
You only get three strikes
4 strikes?
What a generous umpire

Take a seat in the dugout
You've struck out
There is no doubt

Batter up?

Terrified you will be another one
just another one
who doesn't call
or leaves me trapped
behind my own closed doors
just waiting for you
to open them.

They have been closed for centuries.

I learned
to stop waiting
when I was seven.
let downs are more
painful than any burn.
the flick of a match.
a scarring wound.

When he didn't show up
to my birthday party.
birthday parties are dumb, he said.
but it would have meant
everything
if he came.  

Don't be the one
who pushes me down
head to pavement
a breath I can't catch
soccer ball to stomach
leaving me with words upon words
that I can't say.

You said I should open my doors
Let me in, you said.
I told you my locks are broken.
I tried to explain to you
the depths of these doors
and the patterns of their locks.
And somehow I have let you in
just a foot.
And you scurried for the inner most treasures
caressing them, tenderly.

Void.
Empty.
Lifeless.
Most importantly, misunderstood.
By who?
You.
Me.
Today I witnessed
Betrayal.
By who?
The world when it rains for days.
Myself when I turn my back on others.
Never will I be good enough.
For who?
you?
No.
Me.
I've been caught in Charlotte's web.
Trapped between a fog covered window,
and a spider.
In an abandoned house.
Abandoned by who?
Him.
Her.
Their names written in dust.
My name sealed across their lips.
As they travel far away from here,
on an empty boat.

It's about time that I realize it is inevitable
Gulping down one last breath of air
And with that, one last beautiful exhale
Trees know, for they are awake, always listening
They are the ones who show us that death has its colors.
The leaves are beautiful, baby
They pile up in the backyard
A compiled mass of lovely death
And we rejoice.
Like seasons, we have our time and it will come
Sometimes without further notice.
Like leaves, we will become part of the Earth
Each of us with different colors
My favorite color was always green
The color of life, and joy
But baby, thank you for allowing me realize
That the other colors are stunning.

Betrayed by your docile nature
I will push you so far away it will seem as if I am the one disappearing
A dark tunnel arbitrarily chosen by a recognized force
Hitch a ride on a dark blue truck; fading into the distance
Time is inevitable but it flies, making the wheels more like wings
An hour glass figure stands at the end of the road
the closer we get, the less dark the tunnel seems
and soon the tunnel's darkness becomes the light of the world
As I approach the figure it fades into the scenery
Heart racing, I run to catch it
I pass through the field and he hides inside the woods, behind the dandelions
I follow him into an old apartment and he blends into the tearing wallpaper
I disappear into the wall, and reappear
chasing the big blue truck up an abandoned street
I miss it, as it fades into the distance
I realize I have lost track of the figure
And I am left with only myself as the world turns back into darkness.

Me:

Cruising down the left lane
Grey skies, and makeup smudged from the night before
A night of confusion, lost with no direction
Until now, on the highway
I know exactly where I am going

Street signs are dusted with flakes of snow
I envision the night before
Arms around my waist
Is that where they are supposed to be?
A kind of unwanted taste; is this the right spice?

Trapped in my mind I don't notice the lights
Flash, double flash, and then flashing blue
A state trooper, official and firm
Belching his words which then suicide on the pavement
Screaming like an inner child, yelling like a large man

My brain gets trapped mid-belch
Like his words have pinned me down; they are boulders
And my mind rushes back to years ago
My stepfather marching, screaming, pulling
And my head hits the cabinet

I'm awake, a ticket in hand drenched with tears
Before I can say a word, I look in my mirrors and he is gone
Click, shift, back in drive; back in my mind
As I venture home, sobbing, cursing
Screaming to the music as loud as a want; nobody can hear a thing.

Him:

And to this day I can only see her face in my mirror
I could not stand to see her suffer
It was a bug, she said; an insect in her mind
fighting with the neurons and itching for control
And I will never forget the day the insect won.

I could have been there, I could have stopped it.
All of those close calls, all of those sleepless nights
All of those trips to therapists
And I should have seen it coming.
I never knew she would really jump.

Drivers today, they are imbeciles
Left lane dwellers, I've had enough
**** the people, the emotions, the petty thoughts
**** the ignorant college students, the young ones
So I pulled her over.

The same hair, eyes green like my daughters.
She hated me, she despised me, I had done it again.
My words were like *****, up and out
Hasty and volatile; but I emotionless
And I'm off again down the dusty road.

You approached me in a dream
illuminated, with eyes glassy and wide
you told me we were meant to be together
and even in a dream it was hard to decline.
After dismissing your request
I saw the angry eyes
piercing with fury,
confusion;
eyes small as slits,
But then came the tears.
Welling up inside and bursting
with passion
at the seams of your eyelids.
Although I could not bear
to see you cry;
to see you scared and pained
with psychosis,
even in a dream
I knew
I could never
take
you
back.

Lets get high together
off of dice and shrimp scampi
while the rain runs down the glass
and reminds us of the ocean

They say that eighty percent of the ocean
is still unexplored.
Trapped in small crevices
are mermaids who sing of love

I want to meander through its darkest
and deepest; where blue turns black
I want to see the tears of small creatures
who have never seen the sun

And then I wakeup to a heartbeat
Of a ship I know will never be abandoned
In the branches of his neck
I mend all the pieces.

I find myself
back in 6th grade
with a boy
i liked.
my heart
would pound
at recess
when he
yelled "sup?"
across
the
football
field.
Now i sit
with a boy
that i like &
i wonder how
i came here
and found
him sitting
on a couch
with fluttering
eyes.
A kiss?
I take it back.
No, do it again.
place your desires
on my lips
and taste
the bittersweet
lust
and break away
from the
fear, the norms.
There is no awkward here;
perish its existence.
There is only us.

Because you pretended
to like my playhouse.
I tried to lock you in
but my three year old body
could not brace
you back enough
to make you stay.

Because you kept secrets
in your suitcase
during work trips.
And I wanted to know
what you kept in there.
So I listened
behind closed doors.

I would graze my hands
over your face;
prickly and the color
of pumpkins.
And I longed for you
to stay home this time.
Why would you need
to go to work
when it rained?

Because you took the chair
we used to sit on
when we played
with cow puppets.

I still have one.

Because you were my dad,
and I was your first child.

You showed up late
to your mother's funeral.
All because my stepmother
was too busy
mourning the loss
of her iced coffee.

That's not the father
that I used to try and lock
in my playhouse.

Because you never
called me back
when i apologized
for asking too much.

Because you
left
lied
cheated
manipulated
and lost your daughter.

But still
I can't
bring myself
to say
it was your fault.

Maybe it was your brain tumor
slowly ******* away
at your morality.
Maybe it was my
inability to cope
with catastrophe
as a child.
Maybe it
was too much
to be caught
in a place
you never wanted to be in.

Or maybe it's just life.

He only wore his glasses at night, before bed
I found him sleeping on the cot, in the quietness of the basement
In a room with a clay colored armoire
That I would hide in when we played house.
After everyone was asleep,
I would take an adventure down the stairs
To his new hiding place.
Creeping, tip toeing, watching every step
Dodging lego pieces and plastic food for my kitchen
His glasses were on the night stand
He was sound asleep
But I didn't care
I wanted to see him
I wanted him to tell me everything was okay
I wanted him to explain the mystery of life to me
In his ever so intelligent manner.
I was a stone, cold and frozen
Unable to make my way back up the mountain of stairs
Afraid of an avalanche
The room was lined with white carpet, stained from ice pops and nail polish
Lingering near the armoire, I hoped I would find what I was looking for
The secret treasures that he was protecting in this room, in the darkness of the basement
Maybe it was full of gold from the king
Or perhaps it was filled with magic nobody knew
I could hear creaking from the armoire, almost waking him
But the only thing I could find were his suitcases, one third filled with clothes
one third filled with betrayal, guilt, fear
And now one third filled with my knowledge of his intentions
As he awakes, he is at a loss for his words
Fortunately, I never lost mine.

I wonder why you left me so abruptly
One day you are there
The next you are gone forever
slumber though the day
sleep my life away
thoughts run through my mind that make me seem crazy
footprints left in the depths of my life
suddenly exit sharp as a knife
leaving but a single wound
leading the way for more to come

thoughts spiraling
overwhelmed with feelings like never before
as if without you the world is meaningless, and cold
but still, the seasons change and summer arrives
the word continues to spin on; without you here
but my heart will be forever wounded
a part of me will always love you
And a part of me will never understand
but here I am facing the world alone
without you by my side
and everything's alright

For once in always
Nobody is home
And I rummage deeper
And deeper
Into the depths of the paper stacks
Crumpled notes smeared with blood
From broken hearts
Letters of apology stained
With lie after lie after lie

They stabbed her in the chest
Like martyrs for love
But they ever so slowly
Killed her.
She didn’t eat a lot.
She didn’t have the words
To say, “I’m afraid you’ll leave”
Until now

When she leaves him.
Years after he pushes her children
Poisons her soul with words foul
Enough to eliminate it
And after she scraped my teenage life
From the sidewalk she said
Know this: it was never your fault.
And she left him.

Erased from memory as if he never happened
Crumped notes in my room
Stained with Rubinoff and milky pens
Shoved in shoe boxes
For the next me to find one day
In the paper stacks

Perhaps we will be allowed to stay
To sink our feet into the mud
And watch it sink between our toes
The frisk wind cold on our exposed bodies
The light from the moon dances on the ripples of the lake
We hold hands and jump feet first off of the dock
And we are submerged into the freedom
Soaking wet, sitting in the back seat of the car
We watch the moon become the sun
And at that moment, I realize I exist

On the bed in my dorm room
I sit alone and contemplate
Where am I going to end up?
And the answer is “here”
I look back and think about where I was
I remember holding the paws of my big red dog
Rolling around in our big backyard
And picking lollipops from under the swing set
I remember running through the woods
To the little wooden house
I would climb to the top
Getting splinters on the way up
And I would sit for a second
Which seemed like forever
And then I would run home
I remember all the treasures from the woods
A stature of a young boy in a pile of leaves
A letter that we never received
But I did
I remember the dandelions
Lining the edge of the woods as if guarding it
And I remember them closing their buds at night
I remember picking them, with no knowledge that they were simply weeds
I remember the day my dog ran away
Throwing cloths out of my drawers
Screaming his name at the top of my lungs
My heart beating out of my chest
Until my Dad brought him home, safe and sound
I remember, then, contemplating his death
I decided he would die when I entered high school
But I also decided that high school would never happen
So my big red dog and I would play forever
But I still had to protect him
And keep him safe
He would come with us everywhere
Even to the big house
I remember the long car rides
The soothing sound of what I later learned was the blinker
That lulled me to sleep
And my big red dog would sleep too
And in my dreams, I dreamt about growing up
So right now, here I sit
Asking myself where I will end up
Well I ended up “here” didn’t I?
And that’s when I realized
Everything will be fine.

Here's to the women who have been let down;
touched or pushed too hard
broken lockets, broken hearts
the empty feeling of loneliness
as if we are an empty vase
we shine in the light
yet we are hollow with doubt
with past fears,
have you ever tried to break a vase with your hands?
fragile, yet sharp
eager to bear blood
not a lot, but just enough
but unlike a vase, we can be fixed
we can piece together our existence
like a puzzle
for the woman who cried herself to sleep
for the woman who was betrayed
for the woman who felt like a shattered vase
here's to you
here's to her.

Standing on the side lines
Watching myself walk away
A spark went off
A decision made
Without a doubt in my mind
And without turning back
As I walk towards the office I see myself
But I walk through the eyes of a child
Walking though the doors of an elevator
Pushing his wheelchair, heavy as it seemed
The click of the wheels as they rolled over the metal
The silence as we both exist
Then the screams when the elevator comes to a stop
His flailing arms and my blurry vision
Indicating a sudden onset of panic in my mind
Banging his hands on the tray attached to his chair
I can barely see his face looking at me
He is trying to tell me something
Slowly he reaches for the panel
He touches the open button
We are free
His name was Joseph
Trapped in a body that constantly betrayed him
Communication impossible
Yet he knew
And I knew he was there
My mind started to betray me
And he was there for me
Just like I was always there for him
Fast forward, 12 years later
I remember him
And I remember the people with special needs
And how each and every one has touched my life
I continue to walk
I sign my name
Its time for a new beginning.

There are times when
I think that I can see each
individual atom spinning on its axis,
moving around on solid objects. It has
never rained this hard, and my heart has
never felt so secure. He told me Steven King
married a poet. He spoke naturally of spain,
and wondered if it looked the same
as the pictures.
Today my art teacher asked us to see
life in anything but symbols. "What if a face
is no longer a face", she said.
"But something you
have never seen before."
I told him
I don't dream
in symbols.
It has never rained this hard,
and I have never once
been happier. But this nausea
has lasted for days
and I can't get it out of my mind.
I want to bleed into sheets and
sheets of paper and place my mark as permanent.
For what is blood,
a symbol? No.
Because when I bleed
I think that I can see the atoms. floating though
the sea of whatever you call it
and I cry.
When blood mixes with tears
you have strength again.
Will it show you, that I am not a symbol?
It has never rained this hard.

My boy's beard is red
and it feels so familiar
and it took until I was
smashed, cocked, ******, HAMMERED
to notice. Why do I always follow the pattern
of his face like a map; why does it feel like I
have finally found my old blanket, resting in
its plastic bag, in pieces; in pieces.
I asked him if he liked pumpkins. He said
yes because he knew that's what I wanted. He
said he baked the seeds. And I remembered loving them.
I was never good at soccer and I refuse to play
in the games at school. They think I'm a fool. But I
know why. Because instead of soccer I did cartwheels.
And I picked the dandelions. And I wove my fingers
through the net like artwork and I was Picasso. I was
Picasso. And his voice echoed through my head like
a football stadium. I was never good at football. I hid behind the
trees and plucked the peddles from the daffodils
one by one like mermaids do. And my father, he never cared
for daffodils. And he never cared for pumpkins. And the echo
from the stadium was faint to him. Faint to him. But to me,
it was a symphony. A cluster of voices from within.
And
I never doubted it.

Three insecure bodies fight each other for the security of only one thing.
One body.
One enjoyment.
I **** it all up. I never know what I want.
******* sleep forever.
******* wound opened and fresh for the world to puncture yet again.
The face of an hour glass.
The forceful push of his body as im slammed against the bedpost.
The drunken slurs, the silent words.
Unexciting, weak, unbearable.
Afterwards my body aches.
I survey the space.
What have I done?
Nothing but pure proof of his intentions.
Nothing but going back to where I started from.
Nothing but sitting on a pile of who knows what, in who knows where, with nothing to do but nothing.
I’m on my own,
ive come undone.
Its too late to try and bring me back to earths surface.
Im already destroyed on the inside.
He can’t say sorry
He’s already done enough.
But I tell him its okay;
three men in a room
one unnoticed me
one soul seeping its way through the mattress

You came to me once
In a dream of my childhood
Barbie and Ken, walking together
They would dance like puppets
Their fate my control
I would dream and wish to be like Barbie
Beautiful, and loved.
My biggest dream, to go to prom with the man of my dreams.
I left barbie in the abyss, still dreaming to become her
To be loved by people, to be cherished, and to find my Ken
But it didn't work exactly as I hoped.
I found a Ken, but this Ken was a girl, Kendal.
and with confusion and some doubt I stayed with her
Through what could have been love, yet could have been fear
I rode through the waves, and stayed for three years
I never did end up going to prom with a boy of my dreams
I went with a girl in a dress, which people mistook for my friend,
with the thought that I would never actually find a date.
One day she finally mustered up the courage to let me free from her sea
I was alone, but alone was okay
I was free from the ties that had traveled with me through my teens.
Only a month back at college and the same thing happened again
A girl, and her soft nature pursued me
And that soft and recognized feeling, I could not refuse
And again, here I am
Unsure of what I want
Still with the fantasy of finding my dream boy
But maybe no boy will love me the way I wish for him to.
Maybe I am defective in his eyes, or lost
Or maybe I am just scared to leave such a comfortable presence...
That of a woman.
Are you a lesbian?
Never ask me that question.
You will never understand my thoughts
You will never set a label on me
And you are an ignorant *******
You can't approach me because you think I'm gay?
Then *******.
Go live in some ****** up world where everything has a label
Where no abstract concepts exist and you will perish under the tree labeled "forbidden fruit"
It will go into flames and you will perish not through fire
But at the thought of me.
Maybe I AM afraid
Maybe I don't KNOW what I want.
And maybe I'm a little insecure
But one thing I do know is that one day I will muster up courage
I will believe that people will not leave me
And I will have trust in men again
And I will stop being confused
And you will ALL see.
And no matter what I choose, It is MY decision
Not the worlds decision
Not fates decision
Not the governments decision
Not my friends' decisions
Not any man in the WORLD's decision
But Mine.
So good luck placing me in a category I don't belong in
Good luck racing to conclusions and underestimating my worth
Because I will find the missing key to my soul one day

take a hit and pass it on
pass and hit hand to lips, hand to lips
and watch the smoke rise into the vent
watch it swirl up, making its way into the sky
where it will mix with the air above us
watch the people, eyes like zombies
watch the chemical creation of the living dead
for some, it does not create
for those who touch lips to rolling papers and experience fits of spastic heartbeat
frozen in the state of panic enclosed in the alternate reality of disaster
catastrophe
memories.
we create fire, so let it burn, baby
let it seep into your lungs
an unwanted visitor on the inside
a wanted visitor in the time of things
so if you want to let it burn, baby
let it burn.
but remember zombies aren't meant to walk the Earth
or at least not the one we live in.

I will forever be touched my her entrance to my life
I saw her smile and it reached my heart like a wave to the sand
And I smiled too
I wouldn’t call her simply just my friend
I would call her my life long buddy;
My life long access to the simple things in life
That many forget to appreciate

What she has is not a syndrome, through my eyes
It’s an outlook on life
It's moments of sudden enlightenment
But if you miss it, it's forever gone
In the depths of her being

She will never be like a typical person
And neither will I
Because my life has been changed though her eternally
And without her a piece of my puzzle would be missing
And I would not be the same
Although her life is expected to be short
Although her life is simple
She will always be happy
And she will always remember she has a friend; a life long buddy
And so will I.

A mirror is a perception
A trick of the mind
Try looking in a mirror and saying "I'm ugly"
And surely enough that is what you will see
Tainted looks and lost expression
My nose is too big
I have imperfections, including each and every freckle
I am bossed around by worldly views
Through the eyes of fashion magazines and top model
My thoughts pulse and with each pulse my list of imperfections lengthens
I've gained too much weight
I didn't need that sandwich
I need a hair cut
And a possible nose job
I turn away from the mirror
I look at my hands
I feel my waist
I feel skinny
I feel beautiful
So what is with these false perceptions?
These standards of beauty, only meant for a super human
**** the standards
**** the fliers, the model pictures
**** societies standards of me
Because I don't need them.
I've got mine.

You like to pretend she's me, don't you Miss December?
When you watch the dice fall from her hands like they’re broken
Or when you accidently call my name down the abandoned streets,
But realize I have fallen off the map?

Miss December, do you remember watching me cry over girls in green and white?
Do you remember me tossing my textbooks down the hallway like Frisbees,
Only to have you chase me to the nearest empty corner?
My eyes would shutter like paper, and I would ask you to turn the page.

Do you notice the scars left on your ankle after a humid day?
Miss December, do you remember the days I spend mending your wounds?
Only to realize you were too broken and shattered for one woman to heal.
As if lightning through your temporal lobe would be the only escape to sanity.

I held your hand through dying dogs and relapse.
I told you, you could do anything.
Did I push you too hard and shatter the last glass?
Is that why you turned the purple car away that day?

cervical cancer
ovarian cyst
open your mouth
here's my fist
stomach ulcer
an inflammation disease
got pneumonia
from just a sneeze
inflamed pelvis
stomach cancer
shut the **** up
you don't know the answer
heart attack
blood clots
watch me as
my insides rot
my brain thinks
I've had every disease
but its funny
i've never had any of these

I waited for you to come along
I gently asked you to leave
But your presence is always on my mind
You're a boulder collapsing my lungs
And you're the silence as I try not to notice
You're the lurking beast of reality
That is ever so daunting
You are the epitome of disaster
You are the papers, overflowing the waste basket
That i have crumpled and stained
You are the screeching sound; heard perfectly
Over a room filled with voices
You are the pain in my stomach
When my life folds in on itself
The tender skin of my abdomen
The fire inside my throat
The numbness of my limbs
The whisper that says "You're not worth this"
The itch to run;
The second glance
Over my shoulder
That allows me to realize
You don't even exist.

I have problems with eating, sleeping, living
Existing.
I’m confused as to why people stick around
My head is ******
Perhaps inserted off balance in my skull
Living a life of its own,
That’s not mine.

I’m afraid to go to the doctor
Because I know he will finally say
There is something terribly wrong with you
And a match will light,
A catastrophe will begin,
And I’ve never been able to handle catastrophes.

And I will cry
But this is the only way
To get this “thing” out of myself
Because then the illness will be the problem
Not me.
And my reason for in-existence will be its fault
And I will sail away on an empty boat
With the tragedy out of my hands

And I’m so afraid of life
And I’m afraid of existence, in-existence
And I’m afraid to be gone from this world
The only place I know
But then again, sometimes it doesn’t feel like home.

The wings of time fly faster than you think
She sits on her bed
Her only companions have wagging tails
She sits at her desk, trying to love what she does
But she can only pretend for so long
Watching her makes me sad
I want to make everything for her okay
I want to make her happy
How can one be stuck somewhere
In a country home
With nobody
Soundless, speechless house
Creaking sounds of the attic, maximized tenfold
She waits for a call
Or for a reason to leave
Does the dog need a sweater?
Do I need to buy the groceries?
What’s next?
She’s the one who got me through it all
The one who’s there when my life has dissolved
My mother.

Yet again here I am standing, staring at my own two feet
As you disappear
And I slowly fade away
What is easiest for you is to always drive into the distance
leaving your problems at the doorway
leaving me to stand here in a puddle of my own insecurities
You say you want me to tell you how I feel
What we had was never just friendship
You cant erase the past no matter how hard you try
to create a clean slate
Underneath it all is the reminisce and resin of what used to be
What is reality can only be covered up so much
before the past rears its ugly head again
chains that will never be broken distance us
Yet keep us from removing each other out of our lives completely
I will forever be chained to my thoughts of you
You feel the same way too
Except with you, you don't always want to need me
You need me when your life and your thoughts are spinning out of control
And the only strand of security and stability you had in your life was me
I was your backbone for so long until you outgrew me
You no longer needed me to stand tall
But when life decides to throw a hard ball
You decide you need me back again
But i'm not just a backbone anymore
Why did you call me so many times just needing to hear my voice?
Only to make yourself realize
that even though your life is falling into the quicksand
here i am.
My confidence is lagging
Here I am standing starring at my own two feet
Yet again
The longer I stare
the more foreign they seem
They no longer feel attached to my body
Are they truly part of me
Or will they one day simply stop holding me up
Will they let me fall, head first into this Earth, no turning back?
Will they simply slip from underneath me
letting me fall
unnoticed and weak.
Betrayed by my own two feet.

my self has two parts
each illuminated with the essence of right
or wrong
my instincts are corrupted by emotion
my thoughts spiral in and out of my mind
each a lyric with its own tune
but the song lacks actual melody.

Softly, slowly, drifting away
out of my body to some other place
a fantasy I only know exists
in the depths of my confused song.

glassy eyed and lacking breath
i shake away
a pencil in hand
writing nothing but words
that may or may not
have any meaning
to the overall sound
of the world's symphony.

My childhood has been erased from the walls
And replaced with pillows just for decoration
And spotless carpets, with no sign of spilled drinks
All the "I Love You" notes are now packed in boxes

The only way out is through the closet
Where there lies an old refrigerator box
Shoved far into the back and out of sight
Funny how my time machine has lost its glow

On the back of the box, someone left me a note
"Remember, I am a Time Machine, Kara," it said
I wondered who the note was from
Until I saw it was signed with my own hand.

The child is never gone until you let it slip away
From the ever so gentle hold is has on your sweater
Reminding you to see the world in brighter colors
The colors of neon sidewalk chalk.

Hollow:
like the pitcher you used to pour me my drink
Scared:
as you walk towards me like a demon; possessed
Frozen:
like the ice you used to keep the alcohol just the right temperature

Until i pass out on your bed like a baby at nap time
Time has gone by, you're scared and you even cry
Your uncle cried too
You drove me back home as if we were mourning the death of christ
And I walked out
And I walked
And I walked
I walked through my front porch with makeup smudged
Eyes of a raccoon, unnoticed as I make my way upstairs
Blind, as I shower away the marks, the pain, the evidence
And I fall asleep again, on my bed
like a baby at nap time
Awake:
and I see your name on the screen of my phone
Sorry, you say.
And I hangup.
I put my phone on my dresser, and I scream into my pillow:
How could I be so stupid
How could I be so ignorant, mindless, dense
How could I watch myself be taken?
Well guess what?
You didn't take a THING from me
My soul is bound to me and my heart is kept safely in its case
Like your football trophy
You can take my virginity, but you can NEVER take my dignity
And I stand tall
And a year later I stand tall
And I grow older and move past those sleepless nights
And I fall asleep in my bed
like a baby at nap time
Because I can sleep, knowing that you will be the one left with the pain
Glass shards from your trophy fly through the room like bullets
And your heart breaks for it.
And you suffer sleepless nights for each and every women who fell onto your mattress.

You stare off into the distance and reminisce  
talking to the wall, speaking words and
laughing to yourself about your memories.
As if a movie is playing softly in your head
with brilliant melodies in the background.
Your eyes flicker like lights and you're in another world,
talking to me, but you've gone elsewhere;
to the depths of your mind. You travel from the valleys of sorrow
to the high and joyous peaks of the mountain tops.
You ramble through and all i can do
is look at you, talking to me; but to nobody.
For a second i catch a glimpse of
your eyes and you're back in my world. I feel the
pain of your thoughts rushing back to reality
like the blood coursing through your veins.
The air rushing out of your
tar filled lungs with a large sigh, and you say:
"I'm sorry for rambling." Then kiss me sweetly,
and you look at me in the eye for the first time.
For a second it looks like the memories have ceased.
You kiss softly, then deeply and i happily drown in you.
My cheek grazes the prickles of the hair on your face
and your lips travel to my neck; and you keep them there.
A pulse rushes through my body; a rush as large as the pain
you carry and the baggage
you refuse to let go of.I tense up,
and I feel vulnerable
as if the pain you are feeling
is suddenly contagious like the flu. You feel me
tense within seconds, even before
my brain told my muscles to tighten,
it's like you knew a second
before the neurons did. You tell me to relax,
and my body responds to the hum of your voice,
and for once I am calm. I let you take me,
and I feel warm and wonderful
with your body against mine. For the first time,
I just let go and experience the wonderful
and natural feeling of you
and we both, for a moment, drop baggage.

I only know what I know
I only see what I see
What I don’t see doesn’t exist
I see the world thought my eyes, through me

Betrayed by my world
I wonder aimlessly for answers
Realizing my life is not what it seems
7 months of lies

What else is a lie?
My word is simply an illusion
My life is living though the eyes of the unnoticed
My surroundings blend in
And I cant help but pass by things that may have been worth while

My head is heavy
Filled with thoughts that crowd the filing system in my brain
This cabinet is temporarily out of order
Thanks and come again

Or don’t.

My heads heavy and weighs down my body
My brain sloshes around inside my skull
I can’t feel my feet hit the hard surface of the hallway
An alternate universe surrounds me and I’m alien
My perception of my world has changed and I am alone
The angle that I view nobody else can see
My body continues to betray me
Eventually so do my thoughts
Pins and needles spiral around my head
I can’t make my feet move
Gravity has decided to betray me
I pretend that I’m okay
In reality my world is spinning away
I can only see a glimpse of reality in the distance
So far away that I’m afraid my sanity will slip from me
I’m shifted from the world
I’m out of place
My head spins faster than ever before
Who can I tell?
Who can I trust?
Who will understand?
And I can’t control it
I’m being betrayed by my own body and my own mind
I try to call for help but I’m at a loss for words
I can’t speak
I can’t think
I’m not me.
I will fall off the edge of the world unnoticed.
I stare into my own eyes in the mirror
This isn’t me anymore.
Panic Disorder.

They said that the forecast is for rain,
and that I should carry an umbrella.
I should be prepared for the strongest of storms,
keeping my body completely safe and dry.
I used to always carry my umbrella,
rain or shine I kept it close.
I would travel one hundred miles just to stay dry,
perhaps to the desert, farthest away from the sorrows of the rain.
But then I realized the rays of the sun,
beating deep and painful on my bare skin.
With each lovely beam comes the silent burning of flesh.
Did I forget that my umbrella could protect me from the sun's rays?
And thats when I realized, I could handle anything.

A decomposition of carbon atoms

To mother nature as we came

Back to where life started from

From Earths crust to the rain


Remember that field of dandelions?

Every tree once bare grew buds

A group of us laid on our backs

Our feet were stained with traces of mud


We didn’t even need to talk

We only needed to exist

So one who travels up to heaven

Will be silent knowing this


A decomposition of carbon atoms

A person we loved we lost

His body cold, his hands lost touch

Our spirits pay the cost


For every tear we ever shed

For every saddened glance

For every dandelion in one field

This life is our one chance


There we lay in that same field

This time the stars shined bright

The dandelions have closed their buds

They’ve gone home for the night

by: Kara MacLean

An unnoticed magnetic effect
Soft words, and sullen glances
His persuasive being takes in my soul
And I am powerless

Hand to hand I am guided
His words merely noise
Where my mind creates the words
Apprehension, panic, guilt
Expressionless, feeble, and lost

There is no way out
I hear the latch on the door lock
Suddenly I am trapped
My thoughts fill the empty space in the room

Large hands move objects around
And travel to the crevices of my body
With no way out I stay silent and still
A chill is sent up my spine

I close my eyes and feel his body pressed up against my chest
My mind takes over my being
My echoing screams startle us both
My arms push him forcefully
My legs make a run for the door
Kicking objects
Kicking legs
Jimmying locks
I’m free

The prisoner inside my rib cage thumps
against my chest and I wish I could let her
leap out of my body; pound across fields
and race through the landscapes like she wants to.
But locked away, inside myself she will stay.
She used to pound loudly like a boulder and I couldn't
ignore her. She screamed for freedom. My lungs would collapse
with pins and needles and my legs would betray my body like
jello, unable to keep me standing. I couldn't figure out what she
wanted from me. Just simply to be free from me? No. And It wasn't
until recently that I realized what she wanted. She wanted to know
she was loved. She wanted to feel free from the past. I knew she didn't want to
hurt me. She didn't want to be a prisoner to herself anymore.

Yesterday I sat next to a boy on the swings; holding hands and laughing
as we went higher and higher. His smile made her jump, and she danced
inside my chest like a ballerina, and she was happy. She was in love. And she knew it from the way she leaped across my chest as if it were a stage.

It's sad to know you let me go
I thought for sure you were one in a million
I thought nobody wore their hat the same as you
but man, I was wrong

I thought for sure I loved you
But I loved the idea of you, its true
I will walk down the driveway and never turn back
leaving my thoughts of you at the door
Because i'm not that little girl anymore

I never noticed the complexity of the forest
And the difference between the branches
Some forbidden from growth
Hindered by their sisters
So they grow into different shapes
Avoiding the obstacles’ as they come
And I, I am the artist
And she is the forbidden ocean
I can’t seem to put her on paper
The winds catch my pencil
And I am left to drown in the waves
Until I remember that the tide goes down
And I can swim to the trees.