I've always been one to deviate,
swimming the opposite direction of the current.
Thrashing to be free;
freedom never came easy.
A flower, stationary but sending seeds
flying, busily though the soft breeze.
Have you ever seen them parachute?
Landing on a nest of soil, and somehow,
some way, the perfect sequence of events occur
and a new flower is created.
A dog ate a few.
A few landed in a small puddle,
and a few created life.
I have been eaten alive,
left abandoned in a puddle,
and I have lived.
I'm alive?
Well that was some coincidence.
I'll lean over, and let the bees pollinate
all flowers around me
as i continue to blossom.

I only know what I know
I only see what I see
What I don’t see doesn’t exist
I see the world thought my eyes, through me

Betrayed by my world
I wonder aimlessly for answers
Realizing my life is not what it seems
7 months of lies

What else is a lie?
My word is simply an illusion
My life is living though the eyes of the unnoticed
My surroundings blend in
And I cant help but pass by things that may have been worth while

My head is heavy
Filled with thoughts that crowd the filing system in my brain
This cabinet is temporarily out of order
Thanks and come again

Or don’t.

My heads heavy and weighs down my body
My brain sloshes around inside my skull
I can’t feel my feet hit the hard surface of the hallway
An alternate universe surrounds me and I’m alien
My perception of my world has changed and I am alone
The angle that I view nobody else can see
My body continues to betray me
Eventually so do my thoughts
Pins and needles spiral around my head
I can’t make my feet move
Gravity has decided to betray me
I pretend that I’m okay
In reality my world is spinning away
I can only see a glimpse of reality in the distance
So far away that I’m afraid my sanity will slip from me
I’m shifted from the world
I’m out of place
My head spins faster than ever before
Who can I tell?
Who can I trust?
Who will understand?
And I can’t control it
I’m being betrayed by my own body and my own mind
I try to call for help but I’m at a loss for words
I can’t speak
I can’t think
I’m not me.
I will fall off the edge of the world unnoticed.
I stare into my own eyes in the mirror
This isn’t me anymore.
Panic Disorder.

For once in always
Nobody is home
And I rummage deeper
And deeper
Into the depths of the paper stacks
Crumpled notes smeared with blood
From broken hearts
Letters of apology stained
With lie after lie after lie

They stabbed her in the chest
Like martyrs for love
But they ever so slowly
Killed her.
She didn’t eat a lot.
She didn’t have the words
To say, “I’m afraid you’ll leave”
Until now

When she leaves him.
Years after he pushes her children
Poisons her soul with words foul
Enough to eliminate it
And after she scraped my teenage life
From the sidewalk she said
Know this: it was never your fault.
And she left him.

Erased from memory as if he never happened
Crumped notes in my room
Stained with Rubinoff and milky pens
Shoved in shoe boxes
For the next me to find one day
In the paper stacks

Your hair was shorter than I remembered
Your figure slimmer and very different
from this past December
You're tears fused with the forrest rain
And flew off your hair as you ran through the brush
Your voice, piercing and shrieking in pain


Starring directly into the sun,  your silhouette appeared
I never thought I would run from you
It was then that I knew I needed him here
He was waiting with open arms where the sun met the rain
A part of the woods I had never been
I entangled myself in his arms; ran my fingers through his mane

It was then that you realized, this time I wasn't coming back.

take a hit and pass it on
pass and hit hand to lips, hand to lips
and watch the smoke rise into the vent
watch it swirl up, making its way into the sky
where it will mix with the air above us
watch the people, eyes like zombies
watch the chemical creation of the living dead
for some, it does not create
for those who touch lips to rolling papers and experience fits of spastic heartbeat
frozen in the state of panic enclosed in the alternate reality of disaster
catastrophe
memories.
we create fire, so let it burn, baby
let it seep into your lungs
an unwanted visitor on the inside
a wanted visitor in the time of things
so if you want to let it burn, baby
let it burn.
but remember zombies aren't meant to walk the Earth
or at least not the one we live in.

Stop one second in time
And think “what could become of this?”
Or make what could have been reality
Don’t settle for a life jacket
When you can have the red sea
Why did you come to me so suddenly
Why did you enter my life and allow me to love you
Because I don't see a reason why you can’t stay
I need someone to tell me I’m worth it
But I want to choose that person
I want that person to be you.
Hold me through it all
I can and will stand tall
I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way before
Where have you been?

Sirens and Flashing Lights
Adrenalin rush
Fight or flight
Families hysterical
A life in my hands
Emotions unbearable
Death starts where I stand
Elderly man in a diaper
Once healthy and wise
Now nearly deceased
En route he may die
The road starts to shake
The ambulance makes way
Not much more he can take
I shock him right away
His vocals make sound
Which I Mistaken for life
His pulse barely there
I imagine his wife
She Watches her Husband
At the end of his race
Tears start to fall down
Her panic-stricken face
We arrive at the hospital
He is seconds from death
Watching the wise man go
I will never forget

I am still amazed
that the gentle white seeds
and the vibrant, alive yellow petals
are the same flower. I feel
both against my fingertips,
and realize how different they feel. I
am in love with it's gentle touch,
but filled with sorrow as the seeds
fly away with the wind. I saw a
young child, blowing away
the seeds of the dead "flower"; creating new
weeds that will blossom yet again.

On the bed in my dorm room
I sit alone and contemplate
Where am I going to end up?
And the answer is “here”
I look back and think about where I was
I remember holding the paws of my big red dog
Rolling around in our big backyard
And picking lollipops from under the swing set
I remember running through the woods
To the little wooden house
I would climb to the top
Getting splinters on the way up
And I would sit for a second
Which seemed like forever
And then I would run home
I remember all the treasures from the woods
A stature of a young boy in a pile of leaves
A letter that we never received
But I did
I remember the dandelions
Lining the edge of the woods as if guarding it
And I remember them closing their buds at night
I remember picking them, with no knowledge that they were simply weeds
I remember the day my dog ran away
Throwing cloths out of my drawers
Screaming his name at the top of my lungs
My heart beating out of my chest
Until my Dad brought him home, safe and sound
I remember, then, contemplating his death
I decided he would die when I entered high school
But I also decided that high school would never happen
So my big red dog and I would play forever
But I still had to protect him
And keep him safe
He would come with us everywhere
Even to the big house
I remember the long car rides
The soothing sound of what I later learned was the blinker
That lulled me to sleep
And my big red dog would sleep too
And in my dreams, I dreamt about growing up
So right now, here I sit
Asking myself where I will end up
Well I ended up “here” didn’t I?
And that’s when I realized
Everything will be fine.

I waited for you to come along
I gently asked you to leave
But your presence is always on my mind
You're a boulder collapsing my lungs
And you're the silence as I try not to notice
You're the lurking beast of reality
That is ever so daunting
You are the epitome of disaster
You are the papers, overflowing the waste basket
That i have crumpled and stained
You are the screeching sound; heard perfectly
Over a room filled with voices
You are the pain in my stomach
When my life folds in on itself
The tender skin of my abdomen
The fire inside my throat
The numbness of my limbs
The whisper that says "You're not worth this"
The itch to run;
The second glance
Over my shoulder
That allows me to realize
You don't even exist.

You approached me in a dream
illuminated, with eyes glassy and wide
you told me we were meant to be together
and even in a dream it was hard to decline.
After dismissing your request
I saw the angry eyes
piercing with fury,
confusion;
eyes small as slits,
But then came the tears.
Welling up inside and bursting
with passion
at the seams of your eyelids.
Although I could not bear
to see you cry;
to see you scared and pained
with psychosis,
even in a dream
I knew
I could never
take
you
back.

I wonder why you left me so abruptly
One day you are there
The next you are gone forever
slumber though the day
sleep my life away
thoughts run through my mind that make me seem crazy
footprints left in the depths of my life
suddenly exit sharp as a knife
leaving but a single wound
leading the way for more to come

thoughts spiraling
overwhelmed with feelings like never before
as if without you the world is meaningless, and cold
but still, the seasons change and summer arrives
the word continues to spin on; without you here
but my heart will be forever wounded
a part of me will always love you
And a part of me will never understand
but here I am facing the world alone
without you by my side
and everything's alright

An unnoticed magnetic effect
Soft words, and sullen glances
His persuasive being takes in my soul
And I am powerless

Hand to hand I am guided
His words merely noise
Where my mind creates the words
Apprehension, panic, guilt
Expressionless, feeble, and lost

There is no way out
I hear the latch on the door lock
Suddenly I am trapped
My thoughts fill the empty space in the room

Large hands move objects around
And travel to the crevices of my body
With no way out I stay silent and still
A chill is sent up my spine

I close my eyes and feel his body pressed up against my chest
My mind takes over my being
My echoing screams startle us both
My arms push him forcefully
My legs make a run for the door
Kicking objects
Kicking legs
Jimmying locks
I’m free

Void.
Empty.
Lifeless.
Most importantly, misunderstood.
By who?
You.
Me.
Today I witnessed
Betrayal.
By who?
The world when it rains for days.
Myself when I turn my back on others.
Never will I be good enough.
For who?
you?
No.
Me.
I've been caught in Charlotte's web.
Trapped between a fog covered window,
and a spider.
In an abandoned house.
Abandoned by who?
Him.
Her.
Their names written in dust.
My name sealed across their lips.
As they travel far away from here,
on an empty boat.

It's about time that I realize it is inevitable
Gulping down one last breath of air
And with that, one last beautiful exhale
Trees know, for they are awake, always listening
They are the ones who show us that death has its colors.
The leaves are beautiful, baby
They pile up in the backyard
A compiled mass of lovely death
And we rejoice.
Like seasons, we have our time and it will come
Sometimes without further notice.
Like leaves, we will become part of the Earth
Each of us with different colors
My favorite color was always green
The color of life, and joy
But baby, thank you for allowing me realize
That the other colors are stunning.

There are times when
I think that I can see each
individual atom spinning on its axis,
moving around on solid objects. It has
never rained this hard, and my heart has
never felt so secure. He told me Steven King
married a poet. He spoke naturally of spain,
and wondered if it looked the same
as the pictures.
Today my art teacher asked us to see
life in anything but symbols. "What if a face
is no longer a face", she said.
"But something you
have never seen before."
I told him
I don't dream
in symbols.
It has never rained this hard,
and I have never once
been happier. But this nausea
has lasted for days
and I can't get it out of my mind.
I want to bleed into sheets and
sheets of paper and place my mark as permanent.
For what is blood,
a symbol? No.
Because when I bleed
I think that I can see the atoms. floating though
the sea of whatever you call it
and I cry.
When blood mixes with tears
you have strength again.
Will it show you, that I am not a symbol?
It has never rained this hard.

The wings of time fly faster than you think
She sits on her bed
Her only companions have wagging tails
She sits at her desk, trying to love what she does
But she can only pretend for so long
Watching her makes me sad
I want to make everything for her okay
I want to make her happy
How can one be stuck somewhere
In a country home
With nobody
Soundless, speechless house
Creaking sounds of the attic, maximized tenfold
She waits for a call
Or for a reason to leave
Does the dog need a sweater?
Do I need to buy the groceries?
What’s next?
She’s the one who got me through it all
The one who’s there when my life has dissolved
My mother.

A shocking hole to the heart
A scar that can temporarily re-open
Especially after hearing your voice
Take your pain out on me
Lash me until I’m dust on the sidewalk
Crumbling where I stand in-between the parking lines
The phone shaking out of my hands
Now taken into the force of gravity
Its time to make one last swing
I’ve surrendered, its over, I’m done.
Beat me until I’m unnoticed
Back to the ground where I came from
Torture my being with your words

I will forever be touched my her entrance to my life
I saw her smile and it reached my heart like a wave to the sand
And I smiled too
I wouldn’t call her simply just my friend
I would call her my life long buddy;
My life long access to the simple things in life
That many forget to appreciate

What she has is not a syndrome, through my eyes
It’s an outlook on life
It's moments of sudden enlightenment
But if you miss it, it's forever gone
In the depths of her being

She will never be like a typical person
And neither will I
Because my life has been changed though her eternally
And without her a piece of my puzzle would be missing
And I would not be the same
Although her life is expected to be short
Although her life is simple
She will always be happy
And she will always remember she has a friend; a life long buddy
And so will I.

I have problems with eating, sleeping, living
Existing.
I’m confused as to why people stick around
My head is ******
Perhaps inserted off balance in my skull
Living a life of its own,
That’s not mine.

I’m afraid to go to the doctor
Because I know he will finally say
There is something terribly wrong with you
And a match will light,
A catastrophe will begin,
And I’ve never been able to handle catastrophes.

And I will cry
But this is the only way
To get this “thing” out of myself
Because then the illness will be the problem
Not me.
And my reason for in-existence will be its fault
And I will sail away on an empty boat
With the tragedy out of my hands

And I’m so afraid of life
And I’m afraid of existence, in-existence
And I’m afraid to be gone from this world
The only place I know
But then again, sometimes it doesn’t feel like home.