He only wore his glasses at night, before bed
I found him sleeping on the cot, in the quietness of the basement
In a room with a clay colored armoire
That I would hide in when we played house.
After everyone was asleep,
I would take an adventure down the stairs
To his new hiding place.
Creeping, tip toeing, watching every step
Dodging lego pieces and plastic food for my kitchen
His glasses were on the night stand
He was sound asleep
But I didn't care
I wanted to see him
I wanted him to tell me everything was okay
I wanted him to explain the mystery of life to me
In his ever so intelligent manner.
I was a stone, cold and frozen
Unable to make my way back up the mountain of stairs
Afraid of an avalanche
The room was lined with white carpet, stained from ice pops and nail polish
Lingering near the armoire, I hoped I would find what I was looking for
The secret treasures that he was protecting in this room, in the darkness of the basement
Maybe it was full of gold from the king
Or perhaps it was filled with magic nobody knew
I could hear creaking from the armoire, almost waking him
But the only thing I could find were his suitcases, one third filled with clothes
one third filled with betrayal, guilt, fear
And now one third filled with my knowledge of his intentions
As he awakes, he is at a loss for his words
Fortunately, I never lost mine.

Coffee and the smell of second hand smoke
A homeless man holding a sign for change
“Spare change?” he says
But changeless, we drive
Nothing; no thoughts invade our minds
Megan plays on the radio; we scream at the top of our lungs
And we feel alive
And our problems fly out the window, we have no sense of time
And the truck rolls over the potholes with ease
Soon it gets dark, light fades through the trees
The bittersweet loss of the sun to the stars
we watch people in the parking lot enter the bars
Toothless man picks weeds from cracks in the sidewalk
Nothing we do or say will make him talk
And then there’s us

A mirror is a perception
A trick of the mind
Try looking in a mirror and saying "I'm ugly"
And surely enough that is what you will see
Tainted looks and lost expression
My nose is too big
I have imperfections, including each and every freckle
I am bossed around by worldly views
Through the eyes of fashion magazines and top model
My thoughts pulse and with each pulse my list of imperfections lengthens
I've gained too much weight
I didn't need that sandwich
I need a hair cut
And a possible nose job
I turn away from the mirror
I look at my hands
I feel my waist
I feel skinny
I feel beautiful
So what is with these false perceptions?
These standards of beauty, only meant for a super human
**** the standards
**** the fliers, the model pictures
**** societies standards of me
Because I don't need them.
I've got mine.

Betrayed by your docile nature
I will push you so far away it will seem as if I am the one disappearing
A dark tunnel arbitrarily chosen by a recognized force
Hitch a ride on a dark blue truck; fading into the distance
Time is inevitable but it flies, making the wheels more like wings
An hour glass figure stands at the end of the road
the closer we get, the less dark the tunnel seems
and soon the tunnel's darkness becomes the light of the world
As I approach the figure it fades into the scenery
Heart racing, I run to catch it
I pass through the field and he hides inside the woods, behind the dandelions
I follow him into an old apartment and he blends into the tearing wallpaper
I disappear into the wall, and reappear
chasing the big blue truck up an abandoned street
I miss it, as it fades into the distance
I realize I have lost track of the figure
And I am left with only myself as the world turns back into darkness.

Spilled beverage
Slowly seeping into the carpet
Over washed dishes linger in the sink
Foam from the sink to the floor in waves of three
touches the bottom of my socks
Puffs of smoke
Absorb inside my lungs
I've been invaded by this drug
I'm weak, I'm worthless I'm out of control
And people will never look at me the same
My insides start to rot
My world is no longer rooted in reality
I enter a land of insecurities
A land where my body separates from my mind
I've lost every ounce of patience
My mind spins, I hit the floor
Trembling, perishing, disappearing
My chest cavity begs for a break
Barely breathing I reach for a hand
A soul bound with calmness and serenity
I attach my body, a mechanism of coping
Because I have lost all connections to myself
Heavy head, spinning trees, time has no more meaning
How many times have I paced around this building?
How long has my body been taken from my soul?
How long until people realize that there is something terribly wrong?
Like i've said there has been all along
A brain tumor
Or a person rotting to the core
A real, living person
Somebody who exists
And is decaying from the inside out
With no escape but waiting
I want to hide
I want to separate these two mixtures; these two sets of self
My body and my mind
They say the body and the mind work together
But for me, I am betrayed by myself

It's sad to know you let me go
I thought for sure you were one in a million
I thought nobody wore their hat the same as you
but man, I was wrong

I thought for sure I loved you
But I loved the idea of you, its true
I will walk down the driveway and never turn back
leaving my thoughts of you at the door
Because i'm not that little girl anymore

Yet again here I am standing, staring at my own two feet
As you disappear
And I slowly fade away
What is easiest for you is to always drive into the distance
leaving your problems at the doorway
leaving me to stand here in a puddle of my own insecurities
You say you want me to tell you how I feel
What we had was never just friendship
You cant erase the past no matter how hard you try
to create a clean slate
Underneath it all is the reminisce and resin of what used to be
What is reality can only be covered up so much
before the past rears its ugly head again
chains that will never be broken distance us
Yet keep us from removing each other out of our lives completely
I will forever be chained to my thoughts of you
You feel the same way too
Except with you, you don't always want to need me
You need me when your life and your thoughts are spinning out of control
And the only strand of security and stability you had in your life was me
I was your backbone for so long until you outgrew me
You no longer needed me to stand tall
But when life decides to throw a hard ball
You decide you need me back again
But i'm not just a backbone anymore
Why did you call me so many times just needing to hear my voice?
Only to make yourself realize
that even though your life is falling into the quicksand
here i am.
My confidence is lagging
Here I am standing starring at my own two feet
Yet again
The longer I stare
the more foreign they seem
They no longer feel attached to my body
Are they truly part of me
Or will they one day simply stop holding me up
Will they let me fall, head first into this Earth, no turning back?
Will they simply slip from underneath me
letting me fall
unnoticed and weak.
Betrayed by my own two feet.

The wings of time fly faster than you think
She sits on her bed
Her only companions have wagging tails
She sits at her desk, trying to love what she does
But she can only pretend for so long
Watching her makes me sad
I want to make everything for her okay
I want to make her happy
How can one be stuck somewhere
In a country home
With nobody
Soundless, speechless house
Creaking sounds of the attic, maximized tenfold
She waits for a call
Or for a reason to leave
Does the dog need a sweater?
Do I need to buy the groceries?
What’s next?
She’s the one who got me through it all
The one who’s there when my life has dissolved
My mother.

Three insecure bodies fight each other for the security of only one thing.
One body.
One enjoyment.
I **** it all up. I never know what I want.
******* sleep forever.
******* wound opened and fresh for the world to puncture yet again.
The face of an hour glass.
The forceful push of his body as im slammed against the bedpost.
The drunken slurs, the silent words.
Unexciting, weak, unbearable.
Afterwards my body aches.
I survey the space.
What have I done?
Nothing but pure proof of his intentions.
Nothing but going back to where I started from.
Nothing but sitting on a pile of who knows what, in who knows where, with nothing to do but nothing.
I’m on my own,
ive come undone.
Its too late to try and bring me back to earths surface.
Im already destroyed on the inside.
He can’t say sorry
He’s already done enough.
But I tell him its okay;
three men in a room
one unnoticed me
one soul seeping its way through the mattress

Standing at the shoreline
Its like I’m freezing for the first time
Drizzles touch my body and melt my soul
This oceans completely out of control

There’s no stopping these waves
The winds been howlin’ like this for days
So get off your feet and look outside
And ill be standing there throwing pebbles at the shoreline

Without a towel, I dive right in
I feel a new life start to begin
Right behind me, dive in? you’re torn
I’ll catch you right before the storm

Together the Earth swallows us
My soul was picking up dust
You came along and made things new
The oceans never seemed so blue

Leave the shoreline before the rain
Don’t forget the day we came
Always remember, even on dry land
The girl who was always your greatest fan

I wonder why you left me so abruptly
One day you are there
The next you are gone forever
slumber though the day
sleep my life away
thoughts run through my mind that make me seem crazy
footprints left in the depths of my life
suddenly exit sharp as a knife
leaving but a single wound
leading the way for more to come

thoughts spiraling
overwhelmed with feelings like never before
as if without you the world is meaningless, and cold
but still, the seasons change and summer arrives
the word continues to spin on; without you here
but my heart will be forever wounded
a part of me will always love you
And a part of me will never understand
but here I am facing the world alone
without you by my side
and everything's alright

He walks out of the cab
Hands in his pockets and he looks at me
Something inside him causes a scream
His red eyes beam in my direction
I stand still; silent
I imaging the crack throbbing though his veins
He looks at the ground
He looks at his wife without making a sound

His 11-year-old son sits quietly on the stairwell
The man walks right by him, without even a glance
The monster inside him begins to give way
He wishes he were sober
He remembers leaving his son stranded in the driveway
He decides his life will soon be over

There she sits, standing and looking into my eyes
Her little brother close behind
Thoughts exploding through her mind
She wishes he were sober
She can't run from her thoughts
Her spirit starts to rot
And anger takes its place
She knows his time is ticking

Holding back tears
It's time to say goodbye
It’s time to let go
I let out a sigh
And I realize the fight is over
He will never be sober

On the bed in my dorm room
I sit alone and contemplate
Where am I going to end up?
And the answer is “here”
I look back and think about where I was
I remember holding the paws of my big red dog
Rolling around in our big backyard
And picking lollipops from under the swing set
I remember running through the woods
To the little wooden house
I would climb to the top
Getting splinters on the way up
And I would sit for a second
Which seemed like forever
And then I would run home
I remember all the treasures from the woods
A stature of a young boy in a pile of leaves
A letter that we never received
But I did
I remember the dandelions
Lining the edge of the woods as if guarding it
And I remember them closing their buds at night
I remember picking them, with no knowledge that they were simply weeds
I remember the day my dog ran away
Throwing cloths out of my drawers
Screaming his name at the top of my lungs
My heart beating out of my chest
Until my Dad brought him home, safe and sound
I remember, then, contemplating his death
I decided he would die when I entered high school
But I also decided that high school would never happen
So my big red dog and I would play forever
But I still had to protect him
And keep him safe
He would come with us everywhere
Even to the big house
I remember the long car rides
The soothing sound of what I later learned was the blinker
That lulled me to sleep
And my big red dog would sleep too
And in my dreams, I dreamt about growing up
So right now, here I sit
Asking myself where I will end up
Well I ended up “here” didn’t I?
And that’s when I realized
Everything will be fine.

A shocking hole to the heart
A scar that can temporarily re-open
Especially after hearing your voice
Take your pain out on me
Lash me until I’m dust on the sidewalk
Crumbling where I stand in-between the parking lines
The phone shaking out of my hands
Now taken into the force of gravity
Its time to make one last swing
I’ve surrendered, its over, I’m done.
Beat me until I’m unnoticed
Back to the ground where I came from
Torture my being with your words

Standing on the side lines
Watching myself walk away
A spark went off
A decision made
Without a doubt in my mind
And without turning back
As I walk towards the office I see myself
But I walk through the eyes of a child
Walking though the doors of an elevator
Pushing his wheelchair, heavy as it seemed
The click of the wheels as they rolled over the metal
The silence as we both exist
Then the screams when the elevator comes to a stop
His flailing arms and my blurry vision
Indicating a sudden onset of panic in my mind
Banging his hands on the tray attached to his chair
I can barely see his face looking at me
He is trying to tell me something
Slowly he reaches for the panel
He touches the open button
We are free
His name was Joseph
Trapped in a body that constantly betrayed him
Communication impossible
Yet he knew
And I knew he was there
My mind started to betray me
And he was there for me
Just like I was always there for him
Fast forward, 12 years later
I remember him
And I remember the people with special needs
And how each and every one has touched my life
I continue to walk
I sign my name
Its time for a new beginning.

I only know what I know
I only see what I see
What I don’t see doesn’t exist
I see the world thought my eyes, through me

Betrayed by my world
I wonder aimlessly for answers
Realizing my life is not what it seems
7 months of lies

What else is a lie?
My word is simply an illusion
My life is living though the eyes of the unnoticed
My surroundings blend in
And I cant help but pass by things that may have been worth while

My head is heavy
Filled with thoughts that crowd the filing system in my brain
This cabinet is temporarily out of order
Thanks and come again

Or don’t.

A small yellow puff sits silently

In a never ending landscape of dandelions

Silence can speak wonders

But only to the ones who want to listen

As the dirt shifts beneath our bare feet

We step through the part of untrimmed lawn

Each step we take makes an imprint on the world

The grass flattened beneath us


In this open field of possibilities

I can only keep my eyes on this single yellow puff

At night it closes its eyes to the world

At dawn it opens to the rays of the sun

Brilliant, yellow, vibrant

Yet only a simple ****

My heads heavy and weighs down my body
My brain sloshes around inside my skull
I can’t feel my feet hit the hard surface of the hallway
An alternate universe surrounds me and I’m alien
My perception of my world has changed and I am alone
The angle that I view nobody else can see
My body continues to betray me
Eventually so do my thoughts
Pins and needles spiral around my head
I can’t make my feet move
Gravity has decided to betray me
I pretend that I’m okay
In reality my world is spinning away
I can only see a glimpse of reality in the distance
So far away that I’m afraid my sanity will slip from me
I’m shifted from the world
I’m out of place
My head spins faster than ever before
Who can I tell?
Who can I trust?
Who will understand?
And I can’t control it
I’m being betrayed by my own body and my own mind
I try to call for help but I’m at a loss for words
I can’t speak
I can’t think
I’m not me.
I will fall off the edge of the world unnoticed.
I stare into my own eyes in the mirror
This isn’t me anymore.
Panic Disorder.

Perhaps we will be allowed to stay
To sink our feet into the mud
And watch it sink between our toes
The frisk wind cold on our exposed bodies
The light from the moon dances on the ripples of the lake
We hold hands and jump feet first off of the dock
And we are submerged into the freedom
Soaking wet, sitting in the back seat of the car
We watch the moon become the sun
And at that moment, I realize I exist

Sirens and Flashing Lights
Adrenalin rush
Fight or flight
Families hysterical
A life in my hands
Emotions unbearable
Death starts where I stand
Elderly man in a diaper
Once healthy and wise
Now nearly deceased
En route he may die
The road starts to shake
The ambulance makes way
Not much more he can take
I shock him right away
His vocals make sound
Which I Mistaken for life
His pulse barely there
I imagine his wife
She Watches her Husband
At the end of his race
Tears start to fall down
Her panic-stricken face
We arrive at the hospital
He is seconds from death
Watching the wise man go
I will never forget

A decomposition of carbon atoms

To mother nature as we came

Back to where life started from

From Earths crust to the rain


Remember that field of dandelions?

Every tree once bare grew buds

A group of us laid on our backs

Our feet were stained with traces of mud


We didn’t even need to talk

We only needed to exist

So one who travels up to heaven

Will be silent knowing this


A decomposition of carbon atoms

A person we loved we lost

His body cold, his hands lost touch

Our spirits pay the cost


For every tear we ever shed

For every saddened glance

For every dandelion in one field

This life is our one chance


There we lay in that same field

This time the stars shined bright

The dandelions have closed their buds

They’ve gone home for the night

by: Kara MacLean