**** incandescent lighting,
My worst enemy.
Or maybe it is me, the toughest critic, the hopeless perfectionist.
Brushing my teeth and I can’t even look in the mirror,
Can’t face my own face because I don’t want to see.

Tired of picking apart my imperfections, subtle flaws
That seem

To scream

To shout

To blare

“Look at me! Focus on my faults!”

Makeup, diets, exercise, fashion.
All vain attempts to be who society wants me to be, but why can’t I just be me?
I don’t know who I am, who I am supposed to be, what I want.
Others stare.
I wonder.
What’s racing through their minds, what flows through their streams of conscious observations?
“She looks nice. She looks tired. She looks lost.”
All labels to describe me
From the outside looking in.

Sometimes I feel like I do know.
An epiphany? Enlightened? Omniscient?
But at the end of the day, I look into the mirror…
Just a quick, accidental glance.
“I don’t know you, and ****… that incandescent lighting makes you looks fat”

Homework
      Homework
         Reading
Notes
Homework
     Oral exam
“Get good grades, sweetheart”
                                Exam
                        Pop quiz
  Paper. 10 Pages. That’s *******. Can I double space?
             “Only straight A’s will get you into grad school”
Honor roll
       Study session
When’s that deadline? Today? Crap.
           Procrastination
                                                 Stress
“Knowledge is power”
But how do I keep that knowledge locked in my mind when I am spread so thin?
                                       I give up.
Let me educate you.
“**** everything and just relax”

I bought new underwear.

Black lace, pushup, the whole works

To impress you, to ****** you, to persuade you.

Did it work?

Listen to the lyrics.

I want you, I want you so bad.

It’s driving me mad, it’s driving me mad.

Recognize that?

Left a note on your car

“Meet me later, tiger”

You’re flattered, but you take a raincheck.

Just wait, wait, wait. Always waiting, wishing for more.

Finally.

Darkened apartment, low music, dim candles.

“God, you’re so beautiful”

You tell me what I want to here and it feels so right.

Bodies intertwined, anticipation, needs satisfied.

Addicted after one fix.

And now even if I want to walk away from you, I can’t.

You’re my ***** obsession, continual craving

And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

A heady rush and giddy thoughts
Flow into my mind.
Whenever you’re near, I feel like a school girl
A stupid teenager
Infatuated with the abstract of the feeling that
We, society, the hopeless romantics call love.
I don’t know a single thing about you
Aside from your preference of boxers over briefs
And how you hang the toilet paper so it runs over the top of the roll.
You’re a stranger, yet I’m so ****** dependent,
And my mom told me “never take candy from strangers”
But your kiss is so sweet, I just can’t resist.
I’m tired of being a parasite,
******* compliments from your mouth, survival contingent upon your existence.
I want to scream, beg you to tell me why this doesn’t seem real.
“What do you want from me? Will this be worth it in the end?”
So many doubts, so many insecurities
Clouding my mind like an ever-present fog in a ****** old horror flick
Is this all in my head?
11 p.m.
Driving to your place at the usual time.
And I know exactly what to do, what to say.
But all resolve is lost when I feel your arms around me
And hear your voice.
“I’ve missed you so much. I’m so glad you’re here.”
Maybe next time…