You’ll never see me again. Who’s going to cry for you? This pen writes in black, but its green. I want to dance under a silly disco ball. I want to feel the earth on my skin. dig in the dirt, bury myself in the sand, climb a tree and swim in the sea. looking over me. I want to paint my nails with every color in those kindergarten classrooms, every pattern we learn in geometry. I want to no longer feel the need to look this color (arrow pointing to the color of the paper: red).  I want to do yoga when I can and go for runs and eat healthy. I want to starve and feel hungry and weightless 24/7. I want to make a decision. I want to make music. I want to dance with a stranger, hands held, eyes close and sweaty bodys. I want to get their number and fall in love. I want a movie moment. I want to kiss everyone. I want to be wanted. I want to apologize to everyone. I want to stare into someones eyes; not longingly, but lovingly. I want them to look back just the same. I want them to make me things and work for me and only me. “make sure to write a poem about my prettiness”. I want to have a higher self esteem than her. I want people to come when not directly called. I want to look ****. I want to hold someone ****. I want *** to be my celebration for (arrow for where my self esteem is better). I want to think rationally always. I want to stop disappointing people I care about. I want to know the difference between a good impulse and a bad impulse. I want people to be okay with what I want. I want to sleep. I want to kiss. I want to give up smoking. I want to give up on my quest for the perfection every one speaks of. I want to foster dogs.

The lights swimming in my head look like shimmering fish. I’m underwater. The pressure and the sand are so inviting. To just stay down here and watch the way my fingernails turn into an even paler pink. like my cheeks. when I first fall in love. And my name changes. I’m no longer Kalena. I’ll be whoever you want me to be, baby. Anything at all. If you want me happy I’ll leave the stories at home. Home. She’s bipolar and I’m depressed and in love and no one else is. My creases where I carry you are sore from all of your emotion. I’m consumed by your pumping heart and electric nervous system. The one that doesn't come in effect, when I’m around; when I touch you. The rock I sat on today was misted by my thoughts on how you won’t ever see me how I see you than how misted it was by the actual water. My stomach is winding and alls I want to do is shove you inside of me and bite your neck. To this beat. I want you to smile because I make you so **** happy. I’ll give you everything. Everything. I just miss laying on someone’s heart beating life into them. And wishing and praying you’re another thing beating the life in their entire being. I want your finger tips and valves. watch thousands of you bloom. watch that look boys give to pretty girls falling over your face with every birth. So I won’t ever worry about you dying. About losing you. Because I’ll just plant you when I need eyelashes to kiss. Or fingernails to chew and paint. Maybe I’ll just live through you. Call you my tree of life. Tree of life. I don’t even like trees all that much.

and then I realized:
it was never saying goodbye to the place,
it was saying goodbye to him.

i think about hiding in it.

i think that’s why i prefer cloudy skies.

i feel relief

when i look to them

because i know there is an

escape

i know it’s just the stress but the pressure behind my eyes feels like a lobotomy gone wrong

they want nothing more than to pop out

roll across the floor so you’ll finally notice that i am STARING AT YOU

because they’re just circles you won’t ever see the emotion

you won’t ever know why until you look up and you find

who these **** eye ***** belong to

and by then i’ll have ran away in embarrassment

and i’ll come back the next day

with new ones

purple ones

because you hate the color purple

and i’ll tell everyone they’re contacts

but you’ll know that those things in your drawer

that you kept in jars

because you love human body parts

were mine all along

and you’ll regret that day in the forest

against that picnic table

in that fall weather

i love fall

why did you make me taste blood

my teeth are falling out now

from chattering each time i come close to you

i don’t know

if it’s nerves or if i can just feel the cold from your sweat

nerves

nerves

the electricity

in your nerves in your veins in your neck

let me rip them out oh please

one strong grip and a tug

and there they will come flying

and i’ll attach you to every piece of metal

and i’ll fly away

and you’ll be my escape

you’ll be my escape…

I laid on a blanket, lit a candle, stretched my limbs like a sea star
... before i knew it, the moon came to visit
excited to see me and without abandon
laid from the tips my fingers, extending across my entire body
and as i exhaled and inhaled
i was able to balance them on my *******
rising up and down
i never pushed them too high
we practiced our equilibrium until i was healed
and when they left
i knew it was for the best of me