i stood there in your shower
feeling the beads of water
cupping it
drinking it
as though it were the fountain of life.
i stomped in those puddles
filled with water
filled with gasoline
and wondered why the stripes from
the prisms in your eyes
aren't enough to keep you sane.

i have stretch marks
and dry skin
and when i cry, mascara turns my face dark
half the time i want to take an iron to my stomach
or a scissors to my thighs
but i am not a butcher
and the one time i burned myself,
it wasn't what i needed.
i just want disposable cameras
and cotton candy pink hair
and sidewalk cracks to walk along
after holding a piece of glass
filled with a natural herb.
vertebrae of small mammals
bless this house
i'm rooted to these sheets
i can't get out.

pink dressers and
the way your eyes are tinged red after you cry
blue heart shaped boxes
i pictured purple
and saw the night of my first stay
shades of colors
sky yellow
sky orange
i prefer sunrises
i prefer sunrises
i know myself
better than anyone else
you will learn
my appreciation for the earth
you will see my ability
to whisper into petals
catch dragon flies with the stillness of my being
support a caterpillar in his journey for the perfect leaf.
i may be in space
but i can touch you from there
light-years away and i promise the sunshine stroking your face is still very much alive.
i wish to climb rocks and run my
fingertips over lichens
sing to a bird
click my tongue
chipmunks running into the palms of my hands
i am free
in the shifting of the leaves
forest floor and tiny frogs.
star light
comets
i am the universe
and you love me.

thrift store blue roses
metallic nails and
sleep deprived daily.
A chalkboard with lines that
won't erase
spirits running past
in the elongated hallway known as
maze.
straight through
straight lost
portraits and swinging attic doors
a girl named Lisa
a boy named Frank
poems entitled "******"
soft, pink, cotton candy
organism, few
silver, purple, rubber
lining that
won't erase.
"I see you."
with my tiger jaw
with my shark eye
"I feel you."
with my sandpaper *******
with my speckled poison ivy legs.
with my view of planet earth.
with my hatred for auto shops
and greasy black bike handles
marker stained support
picket fences
picket signs
I wish, I wish, I wish.
I dream
I run
I away
I to
I the
I mountains
I because
I I
I am
I filled
I with
I dusted
I joints.

every light stutters
like when i try to write the word
"biblical" in cursive
or you accuse me
and i find myself smiling
even though i did nothing wrong
because you believe i could have
because everyone sees the exterior
and the interior
but not the center
of the earths crust
too deep
machines won't ever  reach my layers
sheltered from you all
no, you'll get a smile and a stutter
and you'll never, ever know.

come and kiss me
leave your fingerprints on my chest
imprinted
like brail
because i am blind to how you could
possibly
see me in any other way
than that reflection in the mirror
staring back
glaring back
swearing back
each morning.
tattoos of your every touch
black ink borrowed from the pen i wish
could inspire you
move you
grace your back
let me draw all over you
my doodles of 9/11
and how the people fell
my doodles of animals
and how they fall in love like the people
who fell.
let me make constellations
from your scars and moles
name them after the names I'd name my children
because i wish you had come from me
simply because i have always dreamed
of creating something so beautiful
it took my breath away
*just by blinking.

that night i cried into your back
after kissing all of your moles
i whispered secrets into every single touch
each being a new word
a new syllable
i thought about how drunk i was with him
how i cannot remember who was on top
how in that same setting
with those same running veins
i cried into the floor
after kissing my cell phone
about how pretty she was
and how pretty i was not.
i thought about the night i went into the hospital
and how all of the others told me about the writing left underneath the desk in my room
how i explained to them
that one of the first things i did upon arrival was hide underneath it
i found it on my own.
i have found so much on my own.
i tried to climb the shelves
but i fell and almost broke my elbow
how interesting of a story that would have been;
and how lovely it would have been to tell you
on that first evening we met
i first noticed the deepness of your voice
like the scariest part of the ocean
filled with fish with lights swinging from their foreheads to lure in their meals
filled with silence
and an occasional wisp of a breeze
i next noticed your height
the tallest boy i have ever gotten to be with.
your eyes that night were the most beautiful
i felt my existence looking into them
i realized where i was
and who i was with
I realized that I was Kalena.
I realized that because of this fact, I had Dylan.
I realized that if I was no longer Kalena,
or in other terms,
I was Kalena after she took a knife to her veins,
I would not be Kalena with Dylan.
and that broke my heart.
it broke my heart that the fact that we might not be together was a possibility.
the fact that that might be occurring in a different reality
right now
i don't want it to exist in any part of the universe
in another galaxy
i want you in every reality
i want you in every cloud's memory
seeping from every pine tree
and inside of every cave wall, veiled behind a rushing waterfall that people are afraid to get sprayed by.
that is how much i want you, Dylan.
every single tile on every single bathroom floor
every single calendar
every single full moon
every single sunrise
every single loon calling out to its mate
no matter how terrifyingly alone that cry sounds
i want you there.
i want you everywhere.
i want you.
i want you.