I just hugged Zoe and I saw her hickies and wanted
to kiss her lips over and over just like the day
we got high and danced underneath moving lights
and she was in my tutu and her blonde hair
felt right tickling my face and the boy
who is supposed to love her didn't notice
and it made us laugh and laugh because
if we didn’t laugh; we would have cried.

Why do we love to leave behind bruises
on lips and necks and arms and eyes
and teeth? It hurts but no matter what, no
matter how much I crush my teeth together to
hide my yelps, it always turns into this
beautiful, beautiful mark that doesn't want
pressure and looks like a sunset borrowed
it it’s colors because no one, not even
a bruise, wants to be ugly.

is so much softer
with melting rubies
slipping down

You’ll never see me again. Who’s going to cry for you? This pen writes in black, but its green. I want to dance under a silly disco ball. I want to feel the earth on my skin. dig in the dirt, bury myself in the sand, climb a tree and swim in the sea. looking over me. I want to paint my nails with every color in those kindergarten classrooms, every pattern we learn in geometry. I want to no longer feel the need to look this color (arrow pointing to the color of the paper: red).  I want to do yoga when I can and go for runs and eat healthy. I want to starve and feel hungry and weightless 24/7. I want to make a decision. I want to make music. I want to dance with a stranger, hands held, eyes close and sweaty bodys. I want to get their number and fall in love. I want a movie moment. I want to kiss everyone. I want to be wanted. I want to apologize to everyone. I want to stare into someones eyes; not longingly, but lovingly. I want them to look back just the same. I want them to make me things and work for me and only me. “make sure to write a poem about my prettiness”. I want to have a higher self esteem than her. I want people to come when not directly called. I want to look ****. I want to hold someone ****. I want *** to be my celebration for (arrow for where my self esteem is better). I want to think rationally always. I want to stop disappointing people I care about. I want to know the difference between a good impulse and a bad impulse. I want people to be okay with what I want. I want to sleep. I want to kiss. I want to give up smoking. I want to give up on my quest for the perfection every one speaks of. I want to foster dogs.

and then I realized:
it was never saying goodbye to the place,
it was saying goodbye to him.

i think about hiding in it.

i think that’s why i prefer cloudy skies.

i feel relief

when i look to them

because i know there is an

escape

i know it’s just the stress but the pressure behind my eyes feels like a lobotomy gone wrong

they want nothing more than to pop out

roll across the floor so you’ll finally notice that i am STARING AT YOU

because they’re just circles you won’t ever see the emotion

you won’t ever know why until you look up and you find

who these **** eye ***** belong to

and by then i’ll have ran away in embarrassment

and i’ll come back the next day

with new ones

purple ones

because you hate the color purple

and i’ll tell everyone they’re contacts

but you’ll know that those things in your drawer

that you kept in jars

because you love human body parts

were mine all along

and you’ll regret that day in the forest

against that picnic table

in that fall weather

i love fall

why did you make me taste blood

my teeth are falling out now

from chattering each time i come close to you

i don’t know

if it’s nerves or if i can just feel the cold from your sweat

nerves

nerves

the electricity

in your nerves in your veins in your neck

let me rip them out oh please

one strong grip and a tug

and there they will come flying

and i’ll attach you to every piece of metal

and i’ll fly away

and you’ll be my escape

you’ll be my escape…