alice will show you the way
to the rabbit hole
but will not warn you
that there is no escape

climbing out will not save you
for what happens in the rabbit hole
scars you
mentally
physically

you are broken and beaten
basically dead
you're tumbling
d
  o
    w
       n
the rabbit hole

i remember being a child
where the only hurt was the scrape of a knee
and the monsters existed under the bed.
awakening early, excited for the day.
to learn, to play, to love and to live.

there are many things that i can recall
but one of things that i cannot
is when i lost my love for life.

now i am growing still,
the pain of childhood is no more.
my heart aches are far worse than any boo boo
that my mommy could kiss better.
the monsters exist still,
but now they are in my head.

the part that scares me the most
is not the aches or the thoughts
but the fact that most of my days are bad days
where i lay in bed and think about life
and how i am better off without it.

and in those moments,
where i want nothing more than to go to sleep
and never wake up...
i ask myself,
where did it all change?
what did i do wrong?
why do i feel so bad?

i guess i just have to learn
to be more like the ocean
and go with the flow

i begged of you
please do not go
and leave me to fight my demons
all alone.

your face does not belong where mine once stood
so kindly leave and go on your merry way.
i know all about you,
from the wonderful things i am told.
but still, i hate you.
i really, really hate you.

head up, cold soul
the emptiness shall fill you
ignoring; loathing
p   u   s   h   i   n   g
the problem                                          away

bones pained
the light of day creeps through the open blinds
no sleep
no sleep
no sleep

thoughts are racing, going in circle
settle down, buddy boy
the voices in your head
deafeningly loud
please! sleep once more
sleep foreve

it's quite funny
how the perfect love
is also the one to hurt the most

for there is no love
without suffering
and no suffering
without love

i pity the soul
who does not understand
divine love

their aura, glowing softly
as they hold you
in the dead of night
this is the truest love of all
this is divine love

divine love hurts the worst of all

true loneliness
is when you have friends
that only wipe away your tears
when it is convenient

as i lay in my dreamland
all i see is the sea
slowly but surely, drifting away
to a far off land, where no one else has seen
and will never see

a plethora of colors
fills my soul as my eyes
simply rest...
why can i not make this dream a reality?

why must my eyes stay closed when i sleep?

asking myself repeatedly "why"
as i drowned in my sorrows
did not seem to help
fill the void that i felt.

the migration has begun
all the birds have flown
to warmer lands.

perhaps you would have stayed
if i was a warm spring night
and not a winter blackout.

all i ask is that you wait a while
before touching down
on a brand new life.

my love, my life, my reason
mine
                  e
                     n
                        t
                          i
                            r
                              e

i want to feel the flesh
attached to your bones
and memorize
the curvature
of your spine
because, quite simply

i am yours
and you are mine
entire

a shell of a body, nothing more..
life goes on anyhow.
mutilation and blood galore
but still the world will not
                                             stop

empty soul, empty life
will things ever begin to get
b
   r
      i
        g
          h
            t
              e
                 r                  ?

this is a downward spiral
progression
of my life
and i am
simply there

i just wanted to close my eyes
and sleep for an hour
or maybe fifteen.
but when i closed my eyes
all i could see was you.

us.
when we were happy
and together.
everything made sense.

and now that you are gone,
suddenly everything reminds me of you.
the wind always seems to carry your scent.
and the strangers i pass seem to share the same music taste.
i look at my hands as i write and as i type
and you are there
because you left imprints
from when you held them, once so passionately.

im hoping that eventually
ill be able to stop the invasion...
because all i want to do is
sleep
eat
walk
live
without there being a trace of you
and the pain you are leaving me.