In the space blue and dark,
twinkled the tiny little stars.
At door he stood,
gazed into infinity,
gazed to figure out,
the figures they portrayed.
Wet were his eyes,
satisfied was his expression,
for he knew he had chosen the wrong train,,
but right was the destination.

If this life is ended too soon by my own hand there are some things that I want to make sure you know;

I loved you so painfully fields of flowers became nails that I picked in order to two by four you and I together forever

I hated you so lovingly that I couldn’t remember what it felt like to be comfortable in my own skin when I was always under yours.

I will never forget the summer the sky fell on us, how the purple and black storm clouds thundered through the valley and all you did was stand drenched in the rain looking at me like I was the only one capable of keeping you dry, while I was crying ****** mary for a break in the tears from the sky.

I hope you never forget these things either, the way you sniffed me and called me vanilla, or the way you pleaded me to love you in a sarcastic tone, knowing that that was the only thing I ever wanted to do.

Falling in love at 15 is a silly thing to do

ground zero
i become aware of boundaries
i am a dog chasing cars
i sing your voicemail to sleep
there are no surgeon general warnings
to tell me that
the objects in the mirror
are more depressed than they appear
so how do i tell you
that there are parts of my life
that move slower
without you in them?
or that i look for you every day
in emails & unanswered calls
in the sunrises
i didn't choose to be awake to watch
that i sometimes still stare at doorways hoping you would walk through them
   *stage 1 you tell your new lover you've got a splinter and they pull the sound of your body falling asleep on mine out of your fingertip
   stage 2 your new lover says something at dinner that makes you choke so they call 911 & the paramedics do the hymleich not knowing you would ***** our promises all over the the restaurant
   stage 3 your new lover surprises you by cleaning the house & washes the shirt you kept next to the bed, not knowing it was the last thing you had that smelled like me
after
people always ask
what was loving her like?
after a really long silence
i just say
"it must be nice"
but i never say
it's watching paint dry
i never say
it's a window seat in hell
i don't tell anyone
about the dreams
where i am reading you
bedtime stories
each one is a different way you die
& every time i can never save you
dreams where what i think
are angels in my bedroom
are just homeless versions
of myself you never loved
i have dreams
where i pay someone to shoot me
just to see if you would cry
just to see
if you would cradle my body
i don't tell people
that loving you is like
playing piano
for someone who can't hear
that it's hitting repeat
on my favorite song
& forgetting the words
every time it starts over
that it's finding out
there's no milk after you already
poured yourself a bowl of cereal
it's getting locked in the dark
& being told to
look on the bright side
that loving you is like
being reminded of what it felt like
the first time
you accidentally let go
of a balloon as a child
it's drowning without the water
it's the feeling you get
when you start to dance
& the song ends

You left a hickey on my neck- claiming that it was your way of telling every other glancing boy that I was yours
But you never wanted to get ash on your clothes from my fallout and it just kept coming
you said you loved me like a friend but ****** me like the enemy and now I find myself hating Thursdays because watching you drive away from me in the lightening storm made me hate myself even more
In an instant I had become everything I told myself I would not

I watched you spin around and fake a smile
we were all there to watch you run away
you saw me and ill never forget that face
because you didn't know I was coming, didn't know what to say
it was a true surprise
I saw happiness and regret at the same time in your eyes
It was a secret that with time you knew you could beat
but I knew you too well for the secret keep
Today was the day for you to be swept away for the rest of your life
but you keep staring at me and only you know why