All my life I've searched
hoped
prayed
for the kind of connection I saw
in Disney movies I grew up with
in the books I clung to so desperately to escape reality
in the eyes of my grandparents when they spoke to one another...

I fell into the trap of my past
with abusive lovers of all kinds
giving my heart to those who threw it aside
to shatter into shards like a thousand sparkling rubies
without a second thought

You came into my life as a cloud passing across the sky
adding something new to my horizon
without me knowing just how much you would grow
to influence my life

Over time we grew to be thick as thieves
you became my closest and dearest friend
I didn't know that whole time you were falling in love with me
patiently waiting for me to see what you already knew

Three years you waited
battling your problems as well as mine
staying by my side through the worst of storms
ever waiting until my past finally cleared
and recognition occurred.

My heart and soul recognized yours
in the way I'd always been told would happen:
I just knew.
I finally opened myself up to the purest, deepest emotion I'd ever felt
and let you in.

Deep in my bones
I know
I will spend my life with you
laughing, playing, adventuring, growing
carving our friendship, our love, into the fabric of this world
and creating a path together through sun and storm.

I will love you with every fiber of my being
in this life and the next

I've given my heart away for the last time
to my best friend
to my dashing rogue
to my lifemate.

My palms split open on my broken heart
My blood paints the roses red
The lying rabbit runs away
taking a few shards
of my shattered looking glass heart
to adorn her shallow watch
Grasping slivers I tumble down
tears and blood
mingling with a salted tang
screams rip my throat
nightmares choke my mind
Her watch ticks on...
Bitter cold gives way to golden afternoon
my no longer white Rose lies with Tweedle Dum
wrapped in rapture
loving, living, in the sun
Shy Violet hovers at the edge
twinkling in and out
Cheshire cat wears a different face
luring me with a flashy grin
I reach out in friendship, shiver away in fear
moving through the Red Queen's maze
The Carpenter walks beside me
confessing love I do not have
The Hatter appears before me
reaching out, sea colored eyes bright
His touch so bittersweet I sigh
He'll leave again when the gold fades...
As the momeraths scamper and play
the flowers whisper "You'll be okay"
While doctors force pills down my throat
and strap me to a bed
the Jabberwock lurks inside
clawing. shrieking.
OFF WITH YOUR HEAD

I need a trip to Wonderland
an escape from the pitfalls of life
there is a bottle peeking from the shelves of the fridge
drink me, it says.
So I do.
every last drop...
little cookies in a box whisper "eat me."
so I do.
just one or two.
one more bottle, just a little sip to get me to the right size
to fit in the door...
I crawl up to bed
curl up in a blanket of clouds.
listening to the wind whistle through the trees,
and the rhythmic ticking of the clock
my sweet kitten blinks her big blue eyes at me
asking why I am staring at the flowers painted on the wall
can't she hear them singing?
warm wet tears pool below my lashes
sliding down my cheeks, splashing onto the sheets
drip drip drip
I know what is waiting for me
when I wake up...
but until then,
oh, just for a little bit,
I want to be happy.

An old feeling resurfacing after years of repression.
I've danced this awful dance before.
Unable to resist the magnetic chemistry sparking between us
A familiar weight of longing settling on my chest...
logic says no
foolish heart beats
what if? what if? what if....?
Is this cycle born of loneliness? of habit?
Or are you just that embedded into my heart and soul that I cannot shake you from my core?
Is this real? A fantasy?
How do I know which you are?
Trapped in a Harlequin romance
empty words and fading dreams my only consolation
while I waltz through the heartache and confusion
All the while wondering maybe, just maybe,
this time will be different...

One year since you left
One year since you betrayed me
One year since you broke my heart...

Yet I still cry...
I still hurt...

I have tried to forget
tried to move on
the pieces I pick up
Scatter with the Wind
just when I think I have them all...

You have been on my mind more than you should
Nightmares.
Passing Thoughts.
Dreams.
Leaving me cold when they disappear
dull ache lingering until my pathetic heart pauses...

Doomed to be distracted
by cartoons
by books
Trying to drown your memory
in a Sea of Fantasy...

There lived a girl, average and plain
nothing special about her aside from her naivete-
foolishly believing all people were good,
loving and trusting everyone she met.

She found types of love as she grew,
picking them like wildflowers
witnessing them bloom and die
pricking her soft little fingers on the same thorns
again and again
each time hoping the bloom would last forever
and crying her poor little heart out when it didn't

She wandered through life
wondering why evil triumphed over good
why kind-hearted people were hurt by heartless ones
never truly finding an answer
year after year

She grew into a woman,
cautiously edging away from innocence
eyes forced wide open with a heavy dose of heartbreak
the betrayal and sadness created anger that lurked in her belly

In the midst of winter she tasted lust
spiced and warm with a strong embrace
allowing it to carry her into a darker realm where numb pleasure ruled
faith was a memory, hope flickered

No longer white as snow
she marveled at how well she now fit
into the world slowly being devoured by shadows.

Back together again
the three of us
just like it was in high school
late night talks when we should be studying
Princess Parties and making fun of our favorite cartoon movies
teasing each other
laughing until it hurts
creating inside jokes
I never realized just how much I missed this...
How is it that these two girls make my world brighter,
just by smiling
even after six years?

Your betrayal still burns inside of me
gnawing at my subconscious
leaving a bitterness inside that I can't spit out
yet another imp, dancing in my mind
taunting my dreams
poisoning my heart
taking little digs at my new-found confidence and positivity
until I can't take it anymore...
How do I shake the shackles of the past
How do I forgive
when I'm left all alone, warmth trickling from me
drop by drop
while the imps prance 'round, my life force smeared across their grotesque faces?

just another face in the crowd
just another classmate
we spoke occasionally, commenting on each other's work
Then it happened.

A random visit to my slumbering thoughts
made cloudy confusion blow away with the dark storm
I awoke with a smile on my face
hope wrapped around me
with a misty twinge of impatience for Tuesday rolling through

i'm not ready
i can't be ready
it's too soon...
isn't it?
it doesn't matter, he's not interested anyways

i don't want a rebound
i can't get hurt again

silence swept in behind you
calmly, coolly, quietly
setting things down beside me  

playful jibes,
attentive conversations,
shy glances,
soft smiles,
ending with long walks in the darkening sky bright with city lights

heart pounding in my breast,
breath slipping past my lips in bursts,
butterflies fluttering in my stomach

things I had not felt for a long time
rose to the front of my mind
blooming in my heart
stirring with every class spent together

The fairytale I longed for may not exist,
but you may be the man to help me find something *better

The repulsion in my mind spreads like disease to my heart
to the place you once occupied.
I am angry at the people who continue to believe in you
accepting your mask as real flesh and blood

I wish I could erase you
from my present, my future
blot out your facade from the words that drip from everyone's mouths.
I feel sick
hearing everyone swallow your lies
knowing the truth
having the darkness from my past cloud the present...

It is almost too much to bear
to know the betrayal  and pain YOU caused
is being rewarded by everyone around

I am disgusted with myself
to crave retribution
to desire almost as much as the new first kiss with a new crush
for you to be punished.
for him to be punished...

my only hope is foolishly placed
in fantasy
in the distraction of others.
fear lurking around every corner
bitter, sharp, slivers digging into my very being...

Is there no justice left in this world
that the twisted and selfish claim the reward
only good should recieve?

As the sun climbed the sky
I told you all I had been thinking
you pretended
to listen, to care
then spoke in warped words
I had grown up with
your actions, your words
at that moment
made me realize what kind of a person you really are
my heart  ceased aching
the nausea subsided
and I looked at you
past who I had thought you were
and saw
I walked away
closing the door
to find myself stronger
my heart lighter
hope blooming in the smile on my face

Why wasn't i good enough for you?
the love we shared
the relationship we built
the struggles we overcame
i loved you
with everything i had
i loved you
and you...
tossed me aside
after two years...
why wasn't i good enough for you?

How do I let go?
How do I move on?
It's only been a month
but seeing you or hearing your name
still puts a knife in my heart
I love you
I hate you
...am I to blame?
Why wasn't I good enough?
What did I do to deserve to be forgotten?
To be betrayed?
distractions help
friends make me smile
but when I lay my head down to sleep
or let my mind wander
I find myself wanting...
you.
Despite it all
I still want you.

I had thought I knew what pain was
What heartbreak felt like
When I had only been scratched
You took everything I gave
My body, my heart, my soul,
You made me believe everything you ever said
You let me trust you
You let me love you
You changed me
You cheated on me
You left me
Now I know what pain really is-
it rips through your body worse than love
leaving ugly, bitter holes where worms of confusion writhe
while betrayal, outrage, anger, depression
wrap your soul in a gloomy blanket
I hold the shattered pieces of my glass heart in my hands
vainly trying to stitch it back together with threads of hope,
slitting my palms with my tears

How glorious it once was
My Wonderland
Singing flowers, unbirthday parties
And painting roses red
Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee
Laughing, playing jubilantly
White Rose
Beautiful, brave
Shy Violet
Strong, sweet
Hatter
Protective, playful
Gave hope, kindness, love
I grew older
Wonder fading
Until only madness remained
My dormouse hid in his little teapot
My Cheshire cat disappeared
The Queen of Hearts gave misery
Tied in a treacherous bow
The caterpillar tried to transform
Toxic, *****, fear
Beware the Jabberwock, my dear
He wants you for his bed
My love, the Hatter left me
One golden afternoon
Devoid of wonder
Doomed to ache
The White Rabbit came
And took me by the hand
To lead me from my once wondrous Wonderland
You’re late You’re late
Your future will not wait
No time to say “I love you, Goodbye”
You’re late You’re late You’re late