Your betrayal still burns inside of me
gnawing at my subconscious
leaving a bitterness inside that I can't spit out
yet another imp, dancing in my mind
taunting my dreams
poisoning my heart
taking little digs at my new-found confidence and positivity
until I can't take it anymore...
How do I shake the shackles of the past
How do I forgive
when I'm left all alone, warmth trickling from me
drop by drop
while the imps prance 'round, my life force smeared across their grotesque faces?

just another face in the crowd
just another classmate
we spoke occasionally, commenting on each other's work
Then it happened.

A random visit to my slumbering thoughts
made cloudy confusion blow away with the dark storm
I awoke with a smile on my face
hope wrapped around me
with a misty twinge of impatience for Tuesday rolling through

i'm not ready
i can't be ready
it's too soon...
isn't it?
it doesn't matter, he's not interested anyways

i don't want a rebound
i can't get hurt again

silence swept in behind you
calmly, coolly, quietly
setting things down beside me  

playful jibes,
attentive conversations,
shy glances,
soft smiles,
ending with long walks in the darkening sky bright with city lights

heart pounding in my breast,
breath slipping past my lips in bursts,
butterflies fluttering in my stomach

things I had not felt for a long time
rose to the front of my mind
blooming in my heart
stirring with every class spent together

The fairytale I longed for may not exist,
but you may be the man to help me find something *better

The repulsion in my mind spreads like disease to my heart
to the place you once occupied.
I am angry at the people who continue to believe in you
accepting your mask as real flesh and blood

I wish I could erase you
from my present, my future
blot out your facade from the words that drip from everyone's mouths.
I feel sick
hearing everyone swallow your lies
knowing the truth
having the darkness from my past cloud the present...

It is almost too much to bear
to know the betrayal  and pain YOU caused
is being rewarded by everyone around

I am disgusted with myself
to crave retribution
to desire almost as much as the new first kiss with a new crush
for you to be punished.
for him to be punished...

my only hope is foolishly placed
in fantasy
in the distraction of others.
fear lurking around every corner
bitter, sharp, slivers digging into my very being...

Is there no justice left in this world
that the twisted and selfish claim the reward
only good should recieve?

As the sun climbed the sky
I told you all I had been thinking
you pretended
to listen, to care
then spoke in warped words
I had grown up with
your actions, your words
at that moment
made me realize what kind of a person you really are
my heart  ceased aching
the nausea subsided
and I looked at you
past who I had thought you were
and saw
I walked away
closing the door
to find myself stronger
my heart lighter
hope blooming in the smile on my face

Why wasn't i good enough for you?
the love we shared
the relationship we built
the struggles we overcame
i loved you
with everything i had
i loved you
and you...
tossed me aside
after two years...
why wasn't i good enough for you?

How do I let go?
How do I move on?
It's only been a month
but seeing you or hearing your name
still puts a knife in my heart
I love you
I hate you
...am I to blame?
Why wasn't I good enough?
What did I do to deserve to be forgotten?
To be betrayed?
distractions help
friends make me smile
but when I lay my head down to sleep
or let my mind wander
I find myself wanting...
you.
Despite it all
I still want you.

I had thought I knew what pain was
What heartbreak felt like
When I had only been scratched
You took everything I gave
My body, my heart, my soul,
You made me believe everything you ever said
You let me trust you
You let me love you
You changed me
You cheated on me
You left me
Now I know what pain really is-
it rips through your body worse than love
leaving ugly, bitter holes where worms of confusion writhe
while betrayal, outrage, anger, depression
wrap your soul in a gloomy blanket
I hold the shattered pieces of my glass heart in my hands
vainly trying to stitch it back together with threads of hope,
slitting my palms with my tears