you know,
everyone should realize
depression is a serious problem.

it's a mental disease.

it takes away one's hope, dreams, and its lovers,
leaving him shattered.
wanting his life to vanish.

so take a look around you,
observe the beautiful flowers in the garden,
quench the thirst of the wilted,
cheer up the lonely.

your words could make a difference.

do not dwell in your own sadness,
your nose stuck in a book
of all your problems.

help others with theirs.
it could make a difference.

it could save a life.

the bus bumps against my head
the music blasts in my ear

the tunes im obsessed with
they calm me

i hold that book to my chest,
your name written in the palm of my hand-

i smile,
wondering what you would do if you were
next to me
that very instant.

even though we're thousands of miles away
distance isn't supposed to keep us apart.

or so they say.

distance doesn't bother me, as it does for others
i keep smiling about you

thinking about you

living with you in my heart

i wait for the day i go back and visit,
we can finally see each other

i imagine,
me, glomping you in a hug
a smile on our faces
you, cracking jokes at my shoes and my
new knicknacks

i smile
☺︎

maybe we could hold hands
talk about everything
enjoy the peace
where time and distance arent chasing us

my daydreams take me to that memory

it was your birthday,
you're wearing your pink, collared shirt

i remember the softness of that first hug
when i felt heaven collide with the beings on earth

the blue lockers smiled down at me

the world didnt seem like such a bad place anymore

if only you were there with me

i still remember
the text from december

about how you wanted someone special
i gave in,
and said yes

months later
you have moved on

and i remember march 6
as clear as day.

i walked to the rooms
excited for whats to come
because i were to see
a classroom of yours

she comes running out
im sorry,
she says.
but he has moved on,
he has forgotten about you.

i saw your figure

coming down the stairs

i was struck
by lightning

you came down
and walked past me

bewildered and confused,
i walked away

and as i took my last sane steps,
my sanity slipped away

the tears rolled down my cheeks
i felt alone,
i felt lonely
left abandoned to face the harsh world
alone

it was that moment
which i lost my identity
i began to cover myself up
with fake smiles and plastic laughs

i walked back to my locker
my legs jelly, my eyes a water spout

crying silently to myself.
wondering,
why.

i laid my head on the blue door,
i remembered
that you used to come here often

after school

to come check on me
and to send me gifts

i laid my head on my locker door,
feeling the world crumble around me

the tears slipping down my cheeks
i cant stop
make it stop

that was the last day of my sanity.

it's so ironic
that i spent up until 1am just to talk to you

i used to sleep everynight with a smile on my face
and holding that last
"goodnight"
to my chest,

feeling so loved
and in love

ha ha ha ha

how distant we are now
its funny just thinking about
our past
and what we've become

it hurts to think about it,
but its also ironic

that i thought we could be something more
but i realize now

no

we couldn't have

you were already gone

im gone now

i see my uniform on the drying rack

the blue and gray matches the
hazy,
Seoul sky

the uniform represents
the unity
of my school

i am a part of it
i am ashamed to say it

i belong nowhere,
nor to no one,
but to myself.

uniform,
why must u mock my feelings of disgust
of the past i have left behind
and the future that you hold

because of you,
i am united with the ones
i call my classmates

thanks

i take screenshots of what i feel.

when i first fell for you,
i took screenshots about love,
hope,
and happiness.

when i saw that your heart was somewhere else,
i took screenshots of
depression,
suicide,
and jealousy.

when i moved on,
i took screenshots of things i found funny.

now that the beasts are thriving once again,
i take screenshots.

of the emptiness.

i trudge through the night
the darkness behind me
i trudge for the unknown

why do i live?

i carry on
with no shelter on my back
trudging,
through the black cave

i can't go on
the fatigue,
oh,
the fatigue

defeated
by my desires

i can't go on
i'm so tired

tired of having this battle,
tired of trudging on.

why can't i take a break?
no time for me to breathe?
the walls are closing in.

claustrophobia kicks in.

i trudge on,
because i can,
but i have no purpose.

i trudge on for the day
i serve my purpose.

i will sleep
like everyone else

falling in sleep,
while everyone else
falls  in love

there will be a day
when i will sleep
an endless death

you will see the smile
on my lifeless face.

i am lifted to the clouds,
oh take me to the rainbows,
dont search for me-

i'll already be gone.

begone.

the way you looked at her,
the way you looked at me.

your thoughts for her
were as evident as the sea.

red, hot jealousy.

envy is green,
depression is gray,
sadness is blue but

red, hot jealousy.

the way you talked,
the way you smiled
i knew
that i knew-

red, hot jealousy.

it burns the world down
it consumes
it engulfs
unable to control,

the red, hot jealousy.

drives me to the other end,
makes me rage.
like a wildfire,

red, hot jealousy.

you better stay away from me.

i thought it was gone,
please tell me it has gone.
for the darkness fills
the empty void
once the light is gone

leave me be
the thoughts
leave me be

no rest for me,
no peace for the hard working?

i tried so hard.
harder than the sun.
and when i wanted the rainbows
i created the gray.

was it so bad
to be in love?
when u let go of the string
it stung
so
hard

thank you.
for bringing the rain.
to see all my flaws
and the holes in my life

u opened my eyes
to the darkness of the world
thank you
to let me see the darkest corners of the room

i thought i was cured
i was laughing.
i was happy.
i loved the sunlight and the warmth
the waves resisting against my hold

i was wrong
its back
chasing me
nowhere to run?
no where to escape?
with a single push,

its, back-

the dark beast of my nightmares
consuming from inside
the flames around me
makes me
hotheaded

i cant go on
cant cease to exist
when i go to sleep
i want to never wake

you can find me above the rainbows.
where i'll be peacefully sleeping
don't wake me up from my dream.
it's the best i've ever had.

i am lost in a sea of colors
my head unable to wrap around the chaos
my thoughts swimming in the sea
ungravitational, floating away

oh, find me somewhere over the rainbow
where i can escape the world
promise me that you'll meet me over the rainbow
so that we can share the bliss of peace

who am i when the beasts inside
consumed my identity
because of them
i created a mask for myself,
and ended up losing my identity

i smile to hide it, i laugh to fake it
wondering why the world doesnt care
it doesnt care
it just revolves
its doing its job

im the careless one

find me over the rainbow,
oh the light of colors blinding me
when my time has reached its end
i am welcomed to the skies

take me over the rainbow
where pain does not exist
and i forever wait for the day
i will escape