I woke up today
feeling depressed
for the first time in months
simply because it's so easy
for you to make me invisible again.

Did nothing I wrote matter?
Am I just some game for you to play
when you get bored?

I took my heart,
sliced in open,
and laid it right in front of you,
trying to be as honest as I could be.

What
the
****
do
you
want
from
me

I can't give you any more
than I've already given.
If you want the walls to break down,
then prove to me I should.

And if you want to use me,
then *******.

I will be seen.
I will be heard.

If I spilled the secrets I knew about you,
I could turn your world up-side-down,
And sometimes I think
that's exactly what you deserve.

Things change.
People change.
Who you are today is not who you will be six months from now,
For better or for worse,
For love or for hate,
For growth or retreat,
For sin or for virtue.

But some things never change.

Sweet
is the scent
of a blooming world
that has slowly
illuminated
to beautiful intensity
since the moment
you walked out of it.

Eyes closed, but I awaken
In the bed where my soul was stolen time after time
After a long night of tears and heartbreak
And turning to you.
Eyes closed, but the knowledge,
The sense that you’re lying right here, but a breath away,
Is the only comfort necessary,
A familiarity I feel I should have known before.
Eyes open to you looking back at me.
Pull me closer, my protection, my friend,
Tear stains on your shoulder.
Tonight I take back my heart for someone new.*

Eyes closed ‘cause it was a dream a year in the making
In the bed where I lay alone for the last six months,
Searching for myself in this tragic, numb world
Outside of what I’ve always known and supposedly wanted.
Eyes closed wanting to relive the moment a bit longer –
Just a little bit longer, please, I beg –
I don’t want to go back to who I was,
But I don’t want to leave where I’ve been.
Eyes open, I awaken from my vivid memory
Of the night I started to fall for you,
Where strength and weakness collided to make fireworks
In the best possible way.

No matter how much I try to control it,
No matter how happy I’m able to make myself,
You run through my veins –
You always run through
Every
Vein.

They are not you –
The ones who show interest,
The ones I grow fond of,
The allegedly perfectly wonderful ones.
They don’t make my heart drop,
They don’t feel my pain,
They don’t have the eyes that take me away,
They don’t raise their eyebrows
Or **** their head side like an adorable puppy
When they say hi.
They don’t feel depressed, or angry, or stubborn,
They don’t hesitate to tell me what they feel,
They don’t harbor stubbornness or prefer to be lone.
They’re here, and nice, and perfectly great.

But they are not you,
And they’ll never be you,
And why, please tell me,
After such a long time
Do I still feel this? –
And why, please tell me,
After such a long time
Do I want what I know must be a lost cause?
And why, please tell me,
After such a long time
Has nothing diminished or faltered or left?

…Why, please tell me, after such a long time?
…Why, please tell me, after such a long time?

Time is a devious creature.
With every passing year
I am smothered by the legitimacy
of the idea that
the older you get,
the faster time flies;
Yet,
paradoxically
I feel my life move at a snail’s pace.
It’s getting increasingly difficult
to remember that
God’s silence
does not mean
God’s absence,
but here I am,
folding my hands anyway,
because if there is any chance
something better is on the horizon,
you better believe I want to be here
to see it,
and even further…
I want to feel it.

A burden so gruesome that we cannot speak of it.
The tiring lies of a mind yet desired.
Can we fathom our ways?
Can we masquerade about in pithy, writhing moments?
So often have I returned to this place,
Where my spoils and fillings have nothing left to give,
So I think.
And, for this, I know that every occurrence is a façade.
And, for this, I know that there is treasure left within.
To what do we owe this?
What begot so much distain?
What begot so much distance?
To whom can I trace this ******, frozen mire?
Myself.
It all lies within.
So, tonight we tear out our hearts and bury their remains
Into a ground that’s been flooded with so much confusion,
In hopes that our minds will follow.
…But will this blood still seep through my veins?
Will its persistent emotion inhabit every cell?
I have died tonight, with grace and compassion.
Yet, the image of a pulsing heart in my palms
will cause my soul to quiver.
I shiver at the thought.
Where do I go from here?

It’s still alive in me,
It’s still alive in me…

There were days
when the ice in her pupils
would burn their victim
to a mess of frostbitten limbs
among flurries of captivity
and twirling, black masks
of hatred and woe.
There were days
when her throat seemed forever blocked
by the boulder heart that arose
to choke the breath that she wished,
when she woke each morning,
would shallow itself
until frozen in time.
There were days
when the humdrum drone
of life surrounding her,
dialogues of laughter
and dances of camaraderie,
only tipped her sideways
until emptiness set itself
deep within the chaos she harbored beneath
camouflaged skin
that was cold to touch.

Take us on a journey
through the rocky rivers that will lead us
to the mind that awakened one day,
melting those eyes
into tributaries of courage.
The aroma of rain is on the horizon.
Let it wash us away into the ocean
that splashes against the beach
where her feet tread sand,
where a breeze greets
the palm trees in the distance
and finds its way through each strand of her hair
while her eyes close in remembrance of the moment.
Freedom is just past the vantage point.
Watch as she delicately forms fists in preparation
for its fight,
and hope unburies its sanctuary inside her lungs.
The bitter taste on her twisted tongue
will soon be swallowed
in sovereignty.

Sometimes
It's easier to keep your mouth shut,
Because the words you're searching for -
The ones that explain
Exactly what you feel,
Exactly what you want,
Exactly what your gut tells you,
Your exact intuition -
They don't exist,
And no matter how long and rigorously you scour every possibility,
Nothing can explain.

And you realize there is no need to,
As long as you know what lies within your heart.

Sometimes,
you don't need words
or phrases
or prayers.

Sometimes,
you just need
someone to sit with you silently,
stripped of cliches,
and just be there.

I’m sick of “I’m sorry.”
I’m sick of “I care about you.”
I’m sick of “I love you.”
Because you’re not,
And you don’t.

And if you truly are,
Then stop being sorry,
Start growing some *****,
And make it right instead.

And if you truly do,
I don’t want to hear it.
If you do,
Then be here
When I need you the most.

If I bleed out my truth
before I breathe out my life,
then I will have not one regret
to carry with me when I go.

Life is all about timing.
We are bombarded with epic adventures
and tales of romance
and gracious words
that are supposed to inspire,
but sometimes
all you need is to close your eyes
and listen to the white noise of life.

Soak it in.
Squeeze every muscle in your body
as though the daily knives that cut your soul
are resting their blades on your skin.
Feel the blood begin to boil
from the spark in your chest
that quickly catches fire.
Then listen to the world around you
and know that you are immensely irreplaceable.
Let go of each knife you hold,
release each joint,
and focus only on the wind
that dances through your fingers.
Feel it lift your chin to the sky
as it makes your arm into wings,
your fingers into feathers.

Open your eyes now, dear.
You are free.
Every breath you take
is either a drop in the ocean
or a splash in a puddle.
There's a difference
between living and being alive.

So imagine the possibilities,
and be them.

Just because you stop planning to do something
Doesn’t mean every part of you stops wanting it.
As I lie here and let my skin sink into the cold concrete,
I think of how this is where I wished to end.
And I turn over to my knees and begin to pray
For anything,
Everything,
That if there is a god out there,
Will he please hear me?
Because I don’t know if I believe anymore.
And all I want is some kind of sign,
But I don’t ask for one,
Because I know the definition of faith.
In actuality, all I wanted was the truth.
But, you see, though the truth is absolute,
It is also obsolete.
It is avoided at all cost.
And, though you can’t lie it away,
You all attempt to.

I almost killed myself.
I almost ******* killed myself, even though I didn’t want to die.
I just wanted the pain to stop.
And you…
You laid there in my bed and pulled me close,
Held my hand and told me you care,
Told me you were scared to death that I was gone,
Kissed my forehead and then my lips.
You asked for my trust, and I gave it to you.
But you just continued carving the mask you began so long ago.
I was minutes away from swallowing two bottles of pills
Because of the lies swirling around me,
Beating my battered heart into the filthy ground…
And you still lied.

I never thought I’d see the day I believe that
He is more of a man than you.
But here we are in a world where he is the only person I trust.
Tell me, how ****** up is that?
He may have torn parts of my life to meaningless shreds a long time ago,
But at least he admits his wrongs.
You, on the other hand?
You aren’t even man enough to stay faithful,
Much less come clean to me.
Sometimes I wonder if you lie so much that you start to believe yourself.
Words mean nothing to me anymore.
So, I don’t want your “I’m-sorrys” or “I-care-about-yous.”
Because you don’t mean it,
And if you do, then all I want is for you to prove it to me.

You see, I’m not the girl I used to be.
I ripped the naïve heart I gave to you from my chest
And stabbed it with every ounce of realism I could find,
Betraying any kind of faith or trust I had in this world.
My new heart beats to the rhythm of skepticism and independence,
Though, somehow, you still make it skip a beat,
And I know it could open up to you,
If we'd just let it.
I’ve finally shaken the devil from my shoulder
So that baby steps push me upward.
But here I am, still feeling, still wanting the truth to spill from your lips.
So, if you ever decide to stop being scared,
Maybe I will too.
I’ve just come to only believe in actions.

But, as I continue to lay here on this stained masterpiece of a stairwell,
I’m oddly content and inexplicably peaceful.
Only two words come to mind that I have left to pen.
And from the bottom of my heart, I mean them quite dearly:

**** this.

Gentle kneading upon my bare back.
The subtle weight shift I feel
As gravity slowly lets your lips press against my shoulder.
The steady beating of my heart.
The pounding in my ears.

Your warm breath chilling my skin
In the best way.
My face buries itself in my hands.
Don’t do this.

But it doesn’t feel wrong.

Head lifting to feel us cheek to cheek.
Whispers in my ear.
You turn me over,
Forehead pressed to mine.
“Why are you doing this?”
“Why are you letting me?”
A moment of clarity
That causes hours of confusion.

I give in.

Shadows dance across the walls.
Passion, affection, lust.
Love?
The smooth sensation of our skin colliding.
Heavy breathing.
My legs wrap around your waist as you lift me.
I missed these lips.
I missed these hands.
I missed these eyes.

I can still sense it.
It won’t leave me.

Bring on the darkness.
Let the shadows dance once more.

But all I feel is a heart in my chest.
Ba-doom, ba-doom, ba-doom…

Your eyes first locked with mine when I was blind.
Your eyes watched me drag along your brother’s torturous path.
Your eyes saw the pain in my own,
But those eyes became my protection,
Gazing into them, comfort,
Healing.
One night changed the world.

Your eyes saw to it that I rise.
Over,
And over,
And over again.
Your eyes strengthened me when I couldn’t do it alone.
And when I could… those eyes were still there.
Bright,
Smiling,
Happy eyes.
Because I succeeded.

Your eyes lit up when they looked into mine
As if three words were the greatest ever invented.
I got lost in those eyes.
They saw perfection in spite of countless flaws.
They grasped my soul, the very core of my being, and made my body shiver
In the best way possible.
I fell in love with those eyes.
Warm,
Caring,
Loving eyes,
Guarding my heart better than any.

But your eyes grew sad with sorrow, speaking the unexpected.
They cringed at my unbearable shock,
And they cried with mine.
Never will I be able to free myself of that image.
Sad,
Dark,
Depressing eyes.

Once rewarding, giving the finest promise I have ever been given, your eyes loved.
But they feared.
And I have been forced to learn of my greatest enemy.
Don’t make promises.
And don’t believe in them.
They will never be kept.

Your eyes have grown cold,
Leaving me speechless.
Dead,
Lonely,
Emotionless eyes.

Who are you?
I don’t recognize these eyes.