There are little moments
I would do differently
if I had the ability,
moments whose memories create obstacles
for me to trip over,
obstacles like
my past
or anxiety
or my insecurities in myself.
I can’t blame them for the fall,
but I can tell you
I’m learning how to dodge them.

Hi, I’m Kairee.
I have anxiety sometimes.
But am I really allowed to say that
if I’ve never sought help for it?
I googled the definition of “anxiety” today.
Google told me it’s self-diagnosable.
That reassured me.

To be honest,
I want help,
but mental health isn’t so important to our society,
and my insurance won’t cover it.
I can’t afford a hundred dollar appointment
once a week or every other week,
especially if it’s going to take months
or years
to crack me open.

Basically,
when a piece
or many pieces
of my life feel out of my control,
I can’t breathe.
I feel like everything inside me is going to explode.
I feel crazy.
I need something to latch onto
to stop my head from spinning.
That thing is usually work.

Today,
I went to work.
And now I feel okay.

I guess that will continue
until  the next time this happens.

If I’m being honest,
all I’ve wanted from my social life
over the last several years
is to have a number one
who also sees me
as their number one.

If you're going to hold a knife to my chest,
at least look me in the eyes when you press down.

I’m 28 years old,
staring 29 in the face,
and I still go to bed every night,
pretending the pillow next to me is a warm body.

I’m not sure if that makes me
pathetic
or just human,
but I do know
I’ll be elated
the day that pillow gets a face.