When I was in grade six,
My parents called it splits,
Cause daddy met a *****,
And walked right out the door

-k.m

Once the words started to flow out of his mouth like he'd been studying them for years, I knew it was worse than I'd thought
for it is the most traumatized writers whom have the most hauntingly beautiful thoughts.

It's not that I don't want to be with you, it's my dad walking in at 11 o'clock at night,sometimes not at all, and leaving again at 7. It's expecting him to be on business trips more than he's home. It's believing that all daddy's didn't spend time with their kids ever. It's not understanding that mommy and daddy are supposed to sleep in one bed and go on dates and kiss and love each other. It's my brothers death day, it's feeling his body being cold as ice and not understanding why, It's being 7 years old and having your life turned upside down. It's when daddy's suicide attempts and publicly severe depression became routine. It's accepting that my daddy will never be stable. It's having my best friend move to another country when i needed her most. It's no longer caring or wanting my daddy around. It's having my parents get separated after seeing it coming for so long. It's what I see in the mirror. It's my body and it's my mind. It's hating who I am and wanting so badly to be somebody else. It's the binge and the purge and the pain. It's having my daddy written about in the papers because they think he's a bad man. It's being recognized as the daughter of that man I read about. It's having my daddy decide i should be a part of his life 16 years too late. It's knowing my daddy cheated on my mommy for so long. It's having everyone else in the world know it too because a newspaper implied it. It's having anxiety but no one being able to help. It's feeling trapped and alone everywhere I go. It's panic attacks out of the blue that keep me up all night. It's going out with my dad to avoid his suicide but wanting nothing more than to scream and cry for all he's done. It's watching him say his third marriage vows to a woman half his age. It's that she's the woman the newspapers talk about. It's feeling more and more like **** everyday. It's feeling numb. It's wanting so badly to be happy and get away. It's never being good enough and it's never being satisfied with myself. It's that I want you so much that I could never let you in.

Boys like girls who kiss boys
Boys like girls who are confident
Boys like girls who are cool and hot and always having fun
Boys like girls who play hard to get,
Who don't catch feelings
Boys like girls like me.... right?

Right.

Boys get over girls who always kiss boys
Boys get over girls who's only gift is confidence
Boys get over girls who are cool and hot and always having fun
Boys get over girls who play hard to get,
Who don't catch feelings


Boys get over girls like me.

Josh,
I can't even figure out how to put my thoughts into words at this point so I figured I'd just babble on about whatever comes into my mind.
God I love you. I really miss you. A lot. Like I miss you so much sometimes I find myself not being able to breathe...I find myself staring at a wall for hours just thinking of what my life has become since you died. Since March 5th 2006. I was 7. Three days from being 8, and my brother dies. You died Josh. I still can't comprehend that. You have been gone for over half of my life now and I still pray to God that it was all a dream. My brother, my 14 year old brother. When I think of the day I become weak and unable to speak as the lump in my throat starts to over throw my body. I just wish I could have stopped it, I wish I was there, I wish I could hold you, I wish it was me...
A lot has changed. I'm sure you know that if there is a Heaven. I hope there is. I hope you're okay. I need you to be okay because I'm not okay.I'm scared Josh. I'm scared because I can feel myself becoming everything I never was and I'm watching as I break down and no one can help me. I've tried to fix myself but I'm too damaged and I'm falling apart Josh I don't know what to do. I wish you were here to reassure me. I wish you were here to tell me I'm ok. I'm not going crazy and then to grab me and take Matt and I downstairs to play a board game. Or maybe play "bartender"...haha. I was playing a game about drunk people before I could multiply. ****. I miss you.
I'm sorry I wasn't a good enough sister, I took you for granted because I figured I'd have a million more years to repay you for all your actions. I didn't. All I can do at this point is write you this letter and hope you're watching over me reading it somehow. I love you Joshua. I really love you and there isn't a day that goes by where I don't wish I was more affectionate because all I wish for now is to be able to hug you one last time. I really miss you a lot and I love you so much wow I ******* love you Josh. No matter where you are I know I still have my brother watching over me.

I love you. Come back.