You will not get to know me that way. . . I am truely sorry, but I have no games to play- I am an open book without a single ounce of shame. And I will not be another lessoned learned. I cannot take back my yesterdays or press stop to rewind- I cannot give you tomorrow it's just a lie we all use to get off- it's like unconditional... ya, it's just mostly made up.

So please just keep away from me. Your hopefull eyes make my stomach turn and my ******* head ache. You're just the random blanket I pulled from a forgotten closet shelf- You keep me warm for an hour at best.

Don't get mad as I shrug you off me, watching as you hit the floor. Did you think I'd fold you up nicely, put you back as you were?

Aww, its ok, really, dry your eyes... but not on me- not this time. We have all been there; we have all been that sad girl. Everyone gets a turn didnt you know? unfortunetly this time it's yours.

I am exhausted, tired to my very bone, I am weak from not eating. My muscles are sore-my knots bundled tight… I do not have much to give and for the first time- I do not have much fight.

I have this bad habit of seeing what I want- being blinded by that smile- the one she gives me that curves my mouth at the slightest thought or touch… instead of seeing that person or situation for exactly what it was- and I am just simply… not what she wants.

And I am not going to say it doesn’t hurt- because it does- it hurts more than I thought it would. Do you owe me something? How about a proper good bye- Do you owe me something? Alright fair enough- No baby you owe me nothing- my mistake, I thought you were my friend, although I still believe you to be- you just have a complicated way of showing me at times.

and ok I admit it, maybe I know nothing and my intuition ******* *****- but I did not know friend’s kissed like this… do all your friends make you wet, sweat and call their names like this? Last time I checked I did not touch my friends like this.

I wanted you to be more, because I was starting to care more- normally you do not shrug off my feelings or my touch, but last night you did and now somehow my feelings are not allowed and this situation is my fault- or at least it feels that way… and you were wrong I did not sleep at all.

And maybe I am missing something- after all I cannot see things through your eyes- but I am willing to listen if you would be willing to have me hear your side- like I have told you before I am not passive- I feel and when I am hurt impulse gets the best of me - but it doesn’t mean my wounds will not heal- it doesn’t mean I have changed my mind- or you mean anything less to me… it’s just my defense because I do not want you to see how badly not saying good bye hurt me.

When I find someone who makes me smile it's hard, but I understand why you go. I am a dirt bag, the  lowest of lows. Im just trying to keep this smile you bring, like I said it's hard but I will let you leave.

I want a taste of passion biting on the edge of bliss, waking up to that smile and living for that one girls kiss. These moments I share might as well be a pebble in water, at first the ripples are close and then they grow farther and farther.

Your actions speek loud, louder than your words, but then again you don't say much, you have no voice to be heard.

So what am I to act on? My telepathy and assumption? Alright girl I know women and I am good at that game, but please remember I never asked to play. I just want you to be blunt and admit you don't know what you are doing but your not going to stop because you think I am worth knowing

I have watched the destruction you cause at every turn
Sneaking about like a diseased rodent in the night
Rummaging through all your neighbor’s trash
Whispering half truths, manipulating all those around you.

Of course you hide your ill intent you greedy *****
You do not care about her
You just cannot bare to lose
Not giving a **** who you make miserable
As long as they end up showing their ***
Becoming just as ugly as you.

What a sad sight you are,
Treating the wrong girl second best,
What a dumb ******* *****
Oops you don’t like that word,
Well guess what I don’t give a ****.

You ruin people, leaving your stench under their skin
Even more like a leech ******* dry its host
Leaving her victims exhausted,
Hearts broker beyond repair

Nothing left except one night stands in the darkest of bars
Void of feeling anything for anyone who might actually care…
yes... selfish, dumb *****, embodies everything about you.

Can you give me one look of recognition
Just one kind word, how about a statement-
yes I believe in you.

Your not so young dad, like that old dog
fixed in your ways, you are still my papa bear
will I ever be your shiny perfect girl?

your eyes so proud
color now darken with distain
your voice is heavy
and your words hindering
making my heart break

i know you do not understand
the choices that I make
this is my life dad for me there is no other way

I’m  good at a lot of things
most I learned from you
I can make them laugh dad,
tell a story like the truth, I can build things with my hands
yes I am just like you

I could write the sweetest words
or words to take your breath,
I can get real angry, wound you to the core
yeah dad I’m just as passionate about
writing as you are about your sword.

I love-
love women and things your
mind will never except
but for me, I just simply cannot go back
you did however make me miss a step
this is where I’m different I’m not afraid
of heights or the fall dad, I can get back up
I have learned to stand on my own

We both keep saying we are not girlfriend kind of girls... both afraid to be anything but first choice -
wanting to be pursued-  to be treated with respect, yes we want to be number one and treated like the best.

So what if I told you I'd do my best to keep the smiles coming, nights filled with thrills and heat, a touch so passionate it keeps you *******, emotion's simple conversation fun and witty, plus arms strong enough to hold you making sure you sleep easy. How close would you let me get, how deep inside you would you allow me to go? what if I said I wanted all of you and in return i'd let down my guard and give you my heart?

I have to be honest I knew there was something about you, I just didnt know exactly what; but now im at your disposal and i must admit its been nothing but fun. Im still not sure what we are trying to accomplish. Its plain to see we are definitely not thinking.


The only thing I know is I do not want it to end, infact maybe we have lost our minds-  but let me tell you, i am ok with it… or just maybe we had to go through them to meet and this is the way it was supposed to be- I really dont care, either way is just fine, as long we keep ending up in each others arms… yes that will do nice.

I am going to focus

I am going to get it right

I want you, but just know

I dont need you in my life.



I feel good and I am seeing clear

just how much I dont actually want

you here.



I am the one you neglect

like that book on the shelf

yeah i've been meaning to read it,

not today, but the next.



I am filled with pages

waiting to be opened and read

with blank ones tucked away in the back

ready to be filled in.



This book's story is someones favorite read

it might not be of your taste

filled with adventures and a romantic twist

just another something you have never read

so you'll pass me along

until I find a bed stand to hold me up strong

,my pages loosened from being read

over and over again.



I thought I was falling apart

but now I see I am just begining to

lead and start.



Start a new direction

one of my own making

with endless possibilities and roads to travel

for the taking.



I want it all, to live to the fullest

I am going to travel

I am going to be fearless.

And if love finds me again

I am going to take it

Feel it down to my bones



Never holding back or thinking of  a regretful past.



I am going to go

I am going to do it all

I am going to fly so high that I reach the star's

taking back my heart and giving it to myself

there i will keep it and treat it with respect.

When he looks at me, I know he's looking past and imaging someone eles face...

Not because he doesn't love me, but the darkness of his mind knows its wrong and heats him up, to **** me and think of her or him...

Bad, so bad, he doesn't denie himself pleasure...
something I used to admire...

Now it smothers my heart, blue and bleeding waiting for him to see how he kills me slowly with just a look from his lieing green eyes.

Why when you know, the same thing will happen to you... do we subject ourselves to leason's already learned, roads you have already walked? Why do we live it over and over again until you no longer learn from it ?Whens its burned into your flesh as a map that you just retrace beacuse you don't know how to do anything eles. How do you learn the truth? Stop the cycle? He's lieing, i know he is, i knew he would, and still i fought for him. I hurt someone i loved and cared about, my friend... For what? to take on his shity fantasy, to know when he lies,and to turn the other way? to carry the weight of his faults and have them passed on to be my own? Tuesday i go to remove you completely from my body and wash away the stain you have left inside my womb. I walk away from you, the walking dead, you will not be the end of my heart!I am the mother ******* pheinox and you are just the ashes, that i leave behind at my feet. Your sickness stops with me.

We walk down the road. You left her behind to talk with me. I put the world off to talk with you. We sit under the tree's and breath the other in. We look at the other with the possibility hanging over our heads. We talk of life and love, but we never cross that line.

We walk on...

At first it was to much. I tried to swallow my feelings. I finally broke, and wrote it all down in a letter. You gave it back to me and it broke my heart. You did not even speak of it. I trusted you enough to let you into my head, my heart. To see all my truths, to see me. I woke up the next day and I was over you.

We walk on...

The days grow cold and life is taking its tole's. I am dealing with checking off my list and doing the things I say I am going to do. You try to sort your feelings of not being in love and staying unhappy or being alone.

We walk on...

With time its hard not to question life. Why things happen the way they happen? I know life is too short to question what we can not change. The point is we can change if we let go of fear.

We walk on...

I sit with you and we talk of the passing time. "Life is full of moments, to take the time to enjoy them, that's what life is all about", you say to me. I node my head in agreement and say "You are my dearest friend and I love you.'Lets not talk of life or love today." You smile and ask "Why?" I look at your face and touch your cheek. "Because the world owes us nothing, but we owe the world to each other." I pause, wanting nothing more than to kiss her. I push down the urdge and begin to speak,"Maybe things are just how they should be. Lets just enjoy this moment as friends  and let it set in as a day we will always remember." You smile and take my hand. We lay back and watch the wind tease the tree's.

We walk on...

If you were anyone else I would brush my hand slightly against your cheek, holding your gaze for just one moment longer, letting you see the secret pleasures that lay hidden in my stare. There is something about you that I cannot deny every day it pulls me closer… a strong wanting to know all that you are willing to show me, hoping you’ll take gladly everything that I am willing to give.

If you were any other woman and not the woman that you are, I might reveal to you my dreams, letting you see every inch of skin and giving you my heart barren of all its walls.

If you were any other woman I would take you as is, never asking you to change or trying to make you fit into some made up roll I created as a youth, I do not want illusions all I have time for is truth.

If you ever wanted to love me, I would guide you with a warm smile helping show you the way, if I could ever learn to love you… let me speak plainly, I hope one day that I may.

I want to be wanted; I want a woman to take pride in my name. I will work hard, yes I’m sure its ok, I don’t need anything given, I want to earn what is mine, I don’t mind getting bruised and I know how to play ruff, dirt does not scare me, I promise you I’m tuff.  Just so you know I sometimes over look rules, oops I should have told you I play as I go, you see I’m just no good at being told what to do, don’t let that fool you I still mean what I say, I may not be a conventional player but I’ll only play these games for keep and I only play them my way.

Not that that matter’s, it’s just my girly way… you are still you and I will always be no more than the gossip on her tongue and the lies that spill over everyone’s lips, constantly falling shy of anything that is worth knowing… maybe she’s right and I’m no better than the trash you leave hidden in your closet making sure the coast is clear before you set me out on the curb, all I can say is **** that and ******* I am not some ***** to be called upon by night, wait those are her words, I know that’s not your opinion of me, I just get so frustrated not knowing why it is she says this about me.

I am a lady and should be treated as such, I cannot help that you are all jealous because I have the courage to do and say what I want.

I know you see this about me, I know you want more, I don’t need to hear sweet nothings although sometimes it can be nice, I’d rather hear the words left unsaid that your hips tell me when I’m so deep inside you, your back against my floor, we have a different way of communicating that none of them can grasp, I’m sorry they don’t like me. I wish I could be a picture perfect girl, but it is what it is and I am not a liar  and my honesty brings heat, but if you don’t mind then please do not stop, my mind is open for whatever it is that you want.

The days pass with an uncertainty.
I feel as if I am watching life happen to me.
Then I often find myself waiting for life to happen.
Wake up, go to work, go to sleep.

Is this even living?
Never questioning...
Just doing, keep going, keep going.

Whats the point without someone to love... to call my own.
And even then, will I know what its like to find her?
Will I be smart enough to see her when she's standing next to me?
A cross from me, or when we both blush from a fumbling touch.

Will she give like I will give?
Not for any other reason than, we wanted to.

And if I meet the one I choose, the one who is my match...
What if I am not hers? Do I give up, move on,
settle for less just so I am not alone?

Or do I wait until one day she gets its.
Her eyes will catch mine and she'll see...
She'll see what she's been looking for all this time is me.

These vague pointless conversations racing back and forth in my head,
trying to solve this riddle.

"Will she love me, or at least want me, or will she not?"

The days are smearing together,
Time moving slower.
I sit, still waiting for life to happen.

Its all happening so fast,
the way you look at me,
the way we make the other laugh.

Why do we hesitate before we hug?
Maybe because there is something more we're scared to feel
through the others touch.

And how it hurts to see you in her arms.
To watch as her wave of so called love,
crashes down on you and causes you harm.

I want to be the one to draw your name
and show you there's a better way,
than to take her inflicting games of pain.
I know your scared to let her go,
you think years will pass once again and you'll be left alone.

But I will be by your side fighting the drifting tide,
and maybe when your ready to see that this storm happened to bring you  crashing into me.

Until that day I will be your friend
and that girl who waits secretly for you to love again.
I will be there to give a hand,
I will be the one to hold your pillow
smeared black and soaked with tears,
to whisper the words that will take away all your fears.

I will be the girl to love and hold you till no end,
maybe that's when you'll see...
what you've been lacking is not knowing you love me.

Every day you fade a little more from my world.
Every day another piece of my heart falls away.
I remember rocking you to sleep, holding you to my breast.
Your little fingers wrapped around my thumb.

Now I fall to sleep with your imprint by my side.
I sang your song to ease your fears...
Now I sing it to lighten my tears.

The harder I work to get you back...
the less I see you.
Not this weekend...
but the next.

I swallow your memory down.
I have gotten really good at not thinking of you at all.

Is this wrong, to know I was never meant to be a single mom?
How detached can a mother be from child?
Out of sight...
Out of mind.

Maybe I could have been stronger...
Maybe I could have fought harder...
Maybe losing you was my hearts true desire.

The taste of fermented fruit and wheat

linger on my breath the morning after

walking out on the only thing that mattered.


Nothing makes sense without you...


Now the romours are spreading and

I try not to believe them, but I caught wind

that you think I left to be with Shannon.


That could not be further from the truth

but you go ahead, believe want you want,

you always do.


But just incase you were wondering

I left because of you.


Whatever it takes to keep me off your mind

whatever it takes to turn me into the bad guy.


What happened to fighting for me and for us?

What happened to showing me your best?


How am I the one who hurt you?

oh wait... I walked away

I am the one that left before you.


Well you know I did not mean it

you know i am impaitent.

for ***** sake, im working on it.

Am I not allowed to ever get frustrated or be forgiven?

im that extra bottle of wine.

the one you pull out to help pass the time.

you keep me there until you drink your fill.

then put me back against my will.

but i would never dare complain.

i just let the bottle fill up with distain.

i give you comfort when theres nowhere left to turn.

i numb you over until your stomache starts to burn.

then you leave me and go to sleep.

with the part of me you drink and keep.

like an hourglass, i tip and empty.

just like everyone you've used before me.

can you rewind that

just to show me what happened

i must have been sleeping

because thats not the story i heard and

im debating the facts

when they come from your mouth

your a compass on a magnet

going north but saying south

im watching the clips

as they play in my head

and i keep them on loop

so i can watch them again.

because theres something i'm missing

something you wont say

and its your lack of words

that drive me away

so please keep your silence

because i dont think i could stand

to hear the lies that sound past your lips

lucky for you i dont trash you

behind your back...  

lucky for you i am still your friend

but for me, after all that i've done

after the love that i gave

you remain the biggest waste of time

and please excuse me when i say

i'll never speak your name,  or  

trust you again, and I wont think twice

about you as an us because now i know

that the best choice i ever made

was walking away and not giving a ****.

its just my misinterpretation

i've gotta look around

so stuck on where im headed

i've lost what sense i'd found.

sometimes i walk backwards

so i can look at where i've been

and face the world uncertain

of just where to begin.

i like starting over

when the world feels fresh and new

i like when i close my eyes

and shield everything from view.

sometimes i see more clearly

when its too dark to see at all

i make mistakes and stumble

but im not afraid to fall.

i like misinterpretaions.

because they're different from what you are

you're so stuck on where you're headed

just take some time to blink.

do you know where youre going?

in these circles that you walk.

your journey has just started

following a path of yellow sidewalk chalk.

Looking out into the night, I see nothing sitting here on the ledge of my studio window. Or rather I see what other's might over look and view as nothing- nothing speacial. A deck that seperates twin apartment buildings, an old tree, the street to my right and the remains of a broken building and weathered fence to my left.

This is the first place I have ever called my own- neighbor's that embrace with love and friendship become a second family in their simple way. I am sad to leave.

I have been alone so long that Im not sure how to be around people, let alone let someone stay a while.

I like my simple close friends- support its taken me what seems like a life time to earn and find. I like who I am and the woman I am becoming. Its uncomplicated, and yet still tangled in this flesh is every story- every person who has ever touched it. I hold their memories, trying to always learn from what each one left behind.

Laughter, love, a voice of my own, forgiveness, bridges burnt, bridges rebuilt- responsibility for my actions and the every day learning struggle of not letting people project their feelings on to me and trying my hardest to not project my own feelings on to them...

I guess, I just hope the people in my life that do stick around- the ones that took another look, the ones who truely cared to get to know me- know that even though I **** at showing them at times - that I simply love them, in the simplest way possible.

"love the ones that treat you right- and forget the ones that dont"

Thats kind of been my moto since my birthday this year. I am not one to judge- I know I have ****** up- we all do... and for me forgiveness is the one gift that can be recieved, or given- in a world where people seem to know only how to walk away- that makes all the difference. I thought thats how I wanted to be... the one that leaves first so they never feel the bite of sadness but thats not my way, it never has been.

So I say " first love yourself, staying true to your own heart, then love the ones that treat you right and the ones that treat you wrong- learn to forgive- learn to speak less and do more. Love is an action, we can say it all day... but if we do not learn to show each other, then it means little."-me

Some days I do not feel so strong.

I do not feel beautiful or smart

Some days I could care less, not really feeling much at all.


I want to make a connection I want you to see something worth anything inside of me. When will fear stop
cornering us in, and allow us all too simply be who we are or what we could be? when will we all stop being afraid to give or be loved?

I do not want those habits. I try my hardest to be fearless, always striving for more than what I am told I can accomplish, my feet do falter and I am far from perfect, but I am trying. Everything we see was thought up and created, what is that quote... "You can only see as far as you think". I am thinking ahead, farther than ever before and I will not settle and I will not let anyone stand in my way of happiness unless I choose to give it for something or someone I think is more deserving. We all deserve to be loved and we all need to know what it's like to love more than ourselves. I am not sure where I am going with this... just sharing my thoughts and my truths.

On days like today my world is good and I am at peace in my own skin... this skin...this home, the only one I can truely call my own- and this skin...my flesh that made my stomache turn, once worn and hated by the child it covered, a blanket to hide my shame, that guilt and despair, empty promises- broken dreams, now seems like a distant memory...

It's all current, a constant emotion, that tug of war with past, present, future... but today... I love myself, I see my good and I have walked with my dark holding it's hand... my light shines on. Anything I want will be mine, anything I need will be had, my heart has healed and my eye's are open, everything I do from this moment on will be done with a passion, that will not succume. I walk towards my goals, never settling, giving my all until it's got...

Feet guide me, eye's see beyond lies spoken by the sweetest lips, voice speek steady, staying true to myself and skin... this skin I call my own... yes skin protect me from any lover's touch that might scorch my flesh or burn my heart. I live in this skin, and in it's foundation of flesh and words I find strength in myself.

Sometimes it's hard for me to understand the people around me. There are so many sides to someone- there are so many sides to me. I think people are meant to be found, to be discovered, to take a second glance; when normally you'd walk away. At times all they need is a chance, forgiveness, understanding, a smile- or the slight brush of a hand. I look around and perceive people who are afraid to live, to love, afraid to communicate face to face... to take chances on people, scared to death of anything different or to experience anything substantial.

I try to be daring. I try to live outside the lines, to be vulnerable, to always be true to my own heart. And yet, I still find myself becoming detached and I too am just as lost as the rest. I don’t want to live in fear. I will not be silenced. I will not stop throwing myself into life or love and I will not give up. I want to make a connection that’s real, that lasts. I can only live for me, but I will always lay down my pride for the people I love, who truly understand me, because for me there is no pride when it comes to showing people you need them- only stupidity. I refuse to give up on any of you and I surrender my pride at your feet. But I take my stand here, and I stand here for you, you and you.

"Went into gods housse saw the light and walked right out, went into gods house, its more fun in the dark house" (singing)

From the age of 6 to 12 she danced your dance and learned your tricks. You see a child does not understand when you steal its innocenes, but after all thats the point to make it her fault and to take away her self worth. I remember waking to see him standing over her, exsposed and when he was done defiling her body he forced her to the grownd and on her knees to pray for her sin, to pray for her sin. Her eyes filled up with hate and tears, but she swallowed and pushed them down, and began to say her prayer.
"Father in heaven help me from tempting men, drive out my deamons and take away my beauty. Father make me clean, father make me clean, make me clean..."

When he left I looked in her eyes to see that she believed it was her fault, that she was some how responceable for the pain he was inflicting. I went to her and scooped her in my arms, held her to my chest. I tried to find the words to say, but there was nothing I could do except hold her in my arms while she cried. Blood stained tears rolled down her cheek to forever stain my heart. She made me promise not to tell, a promise I kept at the age of 12, I never told a soul of what I knew. We talked all night of how some day she would fly away.

A week later she was found, her body ravaged, beaten, smelling of copper and ***. I lost my faith that day. You see, she said that prayer for 6 yrs and beged so many for help that never came, help nver came. A girl of 12 who's only dream was to fly, help never came. So many before and after have danced her dance and help never came, justice never found.

"Went into gods house saw the light and walked right out, went into gods house its more fun in the dark house" (singing)

There I go down on my knees,
And let me just tell you its not my first time.

This is not what I want, let me put it simply...
I'm ******.

Do you hear me screaming?
No you don't, No you don't.

This is me crying out deliriously.
I want love, I want attention...
I want a ******* chance.
Your not givin' it up and I can't stand the sight of you...
or you, or you.

No, let me rephrase this.

I am delirious from starvation.
I am not eating or sleeping
And my insides are twisting
And I am missing these arms that I created to hold me,
For you see my mind has now left me.
I see you there and
I want so badly for that girl to be here...
right here... but she's not.

So I am on my knees with this load in my mouth,
metaphorically and literally.

Does anyone ******* hear me!?

Does anyone see me becoming smaller and smaller until one day I am nothing more than your old favorite pair of sneakers, worn out and torn.That you put in a bag and gave to Goodwill, that now lies in a landfill smelling of ****.

It's hard when you realize all the moments, all the smiles, and all the love you have shared with someone is only felt one way and this is even harder still to accecpt, exspecially when every bone in your body tells you to keep holding on . . . just a little while longer and they will see that you are the one who will love them for all the good, for all the bad and they will realize that they love you this way back . . .

No matter how much you love someone, if they do not see it, if they do not feel it... then its wrong and they are not your match... not the one for you.

Relationships are hard, they take work, but both parties have to put forth the effort or they simply do not work. I have been on both sides. I have walked away because I did not feel the same and I have been inlove with someone who never has and never will love me.

Well I could sit here and write that you get over it, and move the **** on, I could be cut and dry. I also however know that no one can help how they feel and its not so easy for most to simply just stop feeling the way they do. Otherwise I do not think women would have such a hard time with ***. ( come on, thats funny)

Anyways my point I guess is this, all we can do is our best. If your heart is breaking, then face it, cry, scream, hurt, fall to the ground, lose that 10 lbs from not eating (just kidding, dont do that), feel your pain with all you have. Then take a deep breath, dry your eyes, pick yourself up, say goodbye, learn, and move forward. Let your family and friends embrace you, get a ******* hobby, and realize that there is someone out there waiting to find you.

"Change your thoughts and change your world"~unknown

Taryn, you motivate and remind me of just how strong I am, always constant, always true, loving my every flaw. You are my helping hand, my voice of reason, my cup of tea and my bowl of soup. Thank you for speaking words to help heal my spirit, drying my eyes, and letting me blow my nose on your shirt. I love you, you are my Favoriet, never forget that, even though I am not always the best at showing you sometimes. . . my sister, my best friend, my heart.

We seem to walk listlessly about searching for anything but joy in what we already have. In youth time drags on, passing unbearably slow. Then one day you wake to find you are left wanting… wanting more of everything and anything; something to satisfy, to feed, scrambling, tripping to get to the top…

The top of what?

A need to feel full…

Full for what?

Time moves fast, too fast now and the only point to it all I believe is love, love of that girl, that boy, love of family or a friend. That companion to pass the time with, to enjoy what you have together, knowing you are not and will not be alone.

I want to let you get close… to hold you so close. I am afraid of what you think when you look in my eyes. I want you to think I am beautiful and I long to hear you speak to me thus, to know your truths and have you speak openly, easing my fear’s, calming my mind and touching my heart.

When I find you, I will simply know. I will love with an open mind always communicating my thoughts, my feelings. I will not judge or demean you, but let you teach me, learning the ways to your heart. I will keep it safe providing all that it needs… yes love, you give me the courage to keep going, walking forward and when my feet falter it is love that helps me stand again. I do not believe in ever’s and never’s…

I believe in communication, understanding, I believe in grey, the ability to learn, in tolerance, and I believe in the people around me to do good not by my standards but by their own. Yes love, I see and feel you in every day; and every moment that passes I believe leads me on my path to you.

To assimilate

your way of

thinking, I'd

have to not

love myself.

To be what

you say,

I am not

I will not

be what I

can not be

a liar...

like you.

Straight

and

narrow minded

like you.

I am me

A lover of women

A lover of men

the *** in your closet.

A woman in love

with being in love.

A defender

of the unforgiven,

the denied, and ashamed.

I will not go

not go gently

I will make

a presence

My voice will

shake mountains

my will unyielding.

I am not

what you say.

I am love

I have love

will share, receive

and give love.

I am not

will never

be what you

depict me to be.

insecure

I am not

A liar

I am not

Ugly

I am not

A threat

**** right

Strength

and

Beauty

Passion only succuming

between my lover's thighs

and my thirst

quenched by lover's lip's.

I am a woman

who loves her enemies

always reminding me

of what I will

not allow

myself to be...

a person projecting their

feelings onto other's

I am not-

like you.

Home…  I think I may find you this time and not so much in the place I have been looking these 26 years- but in myself. I feel my anger rising, my resentment strong, and my will bending to it.  The fights within me, the turmoil of past events struggle to break free, longing to rage without interference. Love and sorrow battling within this flesh I am learning to call home; threatening to rip apart before I have fully moved into its shelter of bone and skin.  All that holds my walls together is a strong purpose to succeed… to forgive.  And the thought of anything but love prevailing tears me apart, tipping the scale in favor of my grief and anger- and I am lost all over again without a home to lay my head.

Some days I think I hear my inner voice crying out- its too much, its always so much. And yet day after day, I tie up my laces, I place my boots on the ground. And I'm not sure how I manage to stand, or even to walk- ya, some times I dont want to be strong, or be an adult- I want to live, to play, and laugh all the time. I know you dont like it, my favorite part of me. So, I do this for you, even though its killing my heart. I will keep waking, I will keep walking, and I wont stop. This is my life, my path, a story of my own making. I know you are losing faith in me, that shine in your eyes is fading.  I may be a wild card, my passion unyelding, the weirdest of ******'s, the sanely insane. Im the one risking, giving, and you're the one taking the blame. I wont let you down, you know I'll keep fighting till my face is flushed and my knuckles bleed hot, I may not look the same, but baby I am coming back.