(oh, if you don't like lengthy-reads, do not read any further.. thank you)





how I long to hear you
I am silent now
just like you


1.
from the curtain rail, hang paper-butterflies in gentlest-breeze
you made for us in vacation-time
we loved living and being with you
      so quiet and so serene
never loud, nor ever shouting
you gave us the love we often had to steal at home


2.
dear lady, when our parents couldn't cope
they dumped us at your door
you took us in for days on end
and how we flourished in your care

momma in her perfumed get-up.. always out and about
I couldn't stand her smell
she hardly took the time of day.. to get to know her own
they quarreled all the time
one time, we saw her pull in ugly-anger, a knife on him
      and he punched her hard in the face
      we-took-it-in.. the three of us
      they saw us standing there, looking on
I tried to shield the younger ones' eyes
but the lesson sank in.. thickly


3.
so, off to you.. we got bundled, like hastily-wrapped parcels
and you took us in
and we gleaned the worth of stability

you spoke to us in quiet-tone:
right, now we will read.. alright, my dears?
    we responded with three silent nods
    eyes up at you.. like open-flowers
    our smiles inside slowly blossomed
as a powerful-routine came to life

sit us down near koi-pond in the yard
     after milk and choc-chip cookies
     green dappled shade-cloth overhead and potted plants
she opened up a book - Gift from the Sea.. and she read
     we listened with rapt-souls, open and accepting
     drinking in the delight of her well-intoned voice
she tempered that sickly-void with deep-respect and lasting-admiration

how we filled the hours with your special-technique of patience
        we discover life.. along with title and the author
        one buck to read the first sentence of a new book
        two for first paragraph
        five for first page
we earned a keep to last a jolly ol' lifetime
looked forward to the end of every weekend
when we'd spend the week with you
off to school, you saw our tiny-feet and welcomed in the afternoon
      warm greetings with firm hand, discipline fell in place
      but when chores are done and homework, too
that's the time we'd settle quietly into the routine you set so well

cushions at the koi-pond and each one gets a turn
granny-dear, granny-doer.. you took the time
you read to us and we read to you
and then, we read to one another.. while you did your tasks
        we learnt of the classics and many obscure artists, too
        writers' names became familiar; we discussed at length
        and from your fine library, came three very well-fed beings
who each had a jar filled with love-pennies and mind-notes

tranquil-nap in dimmed-room in the afternoon
eyes sunlight piercing through in stippling-slants on polished wooden-floor
we fell into peace

thinking expanded beyond the lore of words
you'd engage the width of our seeker-imagination with so much
         drawing fine-lines into the unknown
         and paper-mâché and Rorschach-ink
         and let us see how earthworms could be useful
         and transplanting our seedlings from disposable egg-cups
by my teens, my special botany-project grew: orange saplings
how the time, it flew.. weeks and months.. years..


4.
then, one day, our momma said.. no more time at granny
          we questioned and we queried, but to poor avail
          evasive-looks met our searching eyes
and vague answers, even poppa with the *****-glaze didn't talk
we failed to swallow their awkward-energy

the three of us could take no more: affection interfered
      and I took two buses and snuck out to her place
I crept in silent, found her resting
but her eyes were covered up
      her face had blue blotches and cheeks were puffy
sharp-inhale!
      I shrank perforce and cried inside.. and softly touched her hand
she woke up, startled and turned away
     but she knew it was me; she'd learnt my smell so long ago
bowing my head, I gently wiped her brow with unscented-towelette
and I saw her shoulders shaking
she quietly accepted my comfort


5.
the routine continued, thankfully
after we got wind of what really happened
how you were mugged in the subway on your way to work
you've lost the use of one eye and you now slump on one leg
this fall in health did nothing to dampen your ardour
       we read for you when you could no longer see at all
       and when your pensioner-status made you penniless
       you rewarded us with hugs pressed into the psyche
       our night-time pitter-patter slipping to you from nightmares
       and you stitched our broken-pieces and sealed our cracked-assurance
never finer devotion bred from hands so kind


6.
you let us read and it sparked the mind
the penny kept on rolling with great success
long after you left
    my brother now lectures in languages
    and guest-speaks at many places of higher-learning
    and my sister became a lawyer
I became a drop-out early on, but I never sold my dream
I struggled with their help.. yes, I know.. I was always slower
and melted-crayons still do yield.. colour in the twilight of cool-eve

yes, and I bought a farm not long ago
and I tend my own keep
granny, you'd be proud of us
three silent nods to an angel in disguise


now, I stand here.. quiet in my beautiful-orchard of oranges
              stare at the leopard-changing shadows on the tiles
and long to read for you
so, I open up a dream lying next to my koi-pond, an auburn-tail flicks handsomely
and it all spills forth in reams..



can you hear me now?
in silent-vow, I unveil the finest of my heart-words
to you..




S T, 2 January 2013

Sittin in High School
One of my fondest memories
Wasn't of sports
or seeing the pretty preppy girls walking around in mini skirts and loose v-neck shirts
Knowing that they are out of my league

Surprisingly it was the rare moments that I would put my head down in class
Just close my eyes and think
Slowing drifting into an odd state that I know we all know

The state of complete relaxation and the definition of calm
The time between zonked out and aware of your surroundings
The point where your ears are the only thinks that work right
You listen to conversations going on around you
Ones that continue over the top of you
Whispers gliding gently over the back of your head
Kissing your hair to reminding you there are still people in the room

But in all reality you could care less
Looking so peaceful, calm, and still
Arms folded and head resting upon them

If only people knew what type of demons you are fighting in that deceiving head of yours
Legs begin to twitch as you spring through an unfamiliar jungle
Being chased by a pack of rabid
Twelve foot long Caterpillars
They lay Seven feet high
Two foot thorns coming out of their fast, round, jiggly bodies
Mouth gaping like a cave
Teeth that resemble stalactites and stalagmites
Dripping with a bio-luminescent substance that has to be poisonous

You hurtle rocks and logs
Ninja slide under giant tree roots and low hanging branches
While running you must swat away gigantic ravenous butterflies
They are pretty, but not very nice

Sweat pooring from your body
Blood pressure is running through the ceiling
Panting heavy
Scared shitless

You make the mistake of looking behind you to see if you lost the beast

And you trip...
Falling ******* the ground with a loud thud
Starring up as the caterpillar leaps into the air and in slow motion comes down
Jaws open
Mouth watering
Stomach hungry
As he begins his decent your mind is blank
About to die

With no warning the ground below you disappears
Falling into a black abyss of nothing
The bottom appears quickly
You brace yourself to splat on the ground
As you hit the earth
You jump wildly in your seat with a loud yell...

The bell rings with the class gazing at you giggling
Filled with embarrassment   you pick up your things and quickly shuffle out of class

I have these pictures of you
I can’t look at them now
I have these memories of you
I can’t think of them now
I have this need to see you
But I can’t be with you now
Because you’re gone
And you’re never coming back

This isn’t some sappy love poem
Where I dramatically confess my love
And lament the choices we made
That have left me alone again
This isn’t some stupid plea
For you to come back and see me again
Because you can’t

You aren’t at home
You aren’t out with friends
And I’m not pretending you’ll call me again
Because you won’t

I wasn’t there
And it’s killing me
They say you held on
For three hours more
And I wasn’t there
And it’s killing me
I don’t know how to deal
With never seeing you again
And it’s killing me

I’m sorry but I’m out here hunting hearts and I don’t consort with the enemy
There’s a vein you see and it needs a constant supply of oxygen

I’ve been boxed in with candles
All I know how to do is ramble
But when I find a place to call
Home and a hand to call world
That I’ll delicately handle my
Course of thought falls right to
Shambles


(Eh-hem)
Sorry, I’m below the surface
You can join me, and I mean you not them.
If you’re here just keep steady your pen.

Your name is engraved on the underside of a tree I’ve yet to climb one day
I step out my pod only to see you
A glow upon your forehead calls my name
No words in this sunken land
Where music tones are breathed in
A darkness fall upon the sand
The like I’ve never seen


Heavy heart stands alone as the chosen leaves
In sweet embrace, it all comes clear in new pods
Oh no, now all see how light is dimmed
So easy to turn their backs on it
But surprise steps into a prism coat of redness
To lead the way back to joining the one




All witness the beauty of highest sacrifice

You’ve taken off your headlight to ensure
I don’t get left behind.

I do not ask for youth, nor for delay
in the rising of time's irreversible river
that takes the jewelled arc of the waterfall
in which I glimpse, minute by glinting minute,
all that I have and all I am always losing
as sunlight lights each drop fast, fast falling.

I do not dream that you, young again,
might come to me darkly in love's green darkness
where the dust of the bracken spices the air
moss, crushed, gives out an astringent sweetness
and water holds our reflections
motionless, as if for ever.

It is enough now to come into a room
and find the kindness we have for each other
— calling it love — in eyes that are shrewd
but trustful still, face chastened by years
of careful judgement; to sit in the afternoons
in mild conversation, without nostalgia.

But when you leave me, with your jauntiness
sinewed by resolution more than strength
— suddenly then I love you with a quick
intensity, remembering that water,
however luminous and grand, falls fast
and only once to the dark pool below.

Pantomime parrots
Rabbit sick carrots
a polar bear's merits
And a porcupine forgetting his cue

An ant reading tarot
Chess master ferret
A moose's beret
And gallons of seahorse drool

All of these things
And those in between
Are something for
Your mind to chew.

Yum :-)

You open to me
a little,
then grow afraid
and close again,
a small boy
fearing to be hurt,
a toe stubbed
in the dark,
a finger cut
on paper.

I think I am free
of fears,
enraptured, abandoned
to the call
of the Bacchae,
my own siren,
tied to my own
mast,
both Circe
and her swine.

But I too
am afraid:
I know where
life leads.

The impulse
to join,
to confess all,
is followed
by the impulse
to renounce,

and love--
imperishable love--
must die,
in order
to be reborn.

We come
to each other
tentatively,
veterans of other
wars,
divorce warrants
in our hands
which we would beat
into blossoms.

But blossoms
will not withstand
our beatings.

We come
to each other
with hope
in our hands--
the very thing
Pandora kept
in her casket
when all the ills
and woes of the world
escaped.