Justyce Regular

Justyce Regular Sep 2013

I listen to Keaton Henson when my head is spinning
My head is constantly spinning
There are 124 moments in a day where I have to close my eyes
because all I can see are his hands
I hated his hands, five fingered noose
When I was eleven my goldfish died
I cried for seventeen days straight because I wanted nothing more
than to take my life back
just so he could have his
I used to keep my closet doors open to the idea of monsters
my feet off the edge of the bed as I slept
so when they reached out for my child toes
I could ask them to save me from the real monsters I saw every day
When I was 14 I recorded my final words on tape cassettes for my family
so I didn't have to breathe anymore
it was too much work
I was too much work

Now, I drink red wine to awake my soul
and I kiss the lips of the wind when I walk
so I don't have to see it as anything but a lover, a friend
Now, I miss the way his hands enveloped mine
and his body felt like beach rocks under my soft water tongue
and I needed his truths but I couldn't look at his bright suns anymore
I'm a lover of the night
and now, I sit up and write about him instead of sitting next to him
because I'm afraid of the music and I'm afraid of perfection
It doesn't seem right to have things handed to me so easily
in tightly wrapped packages with bows and ribbons string
so beautiful like a journal
Now, I leave my light on when I don't sleep
I don't sleep
He was the only part of me that made any sense
but I wasn't used to making sense
so I threw him to the lions
and prayed he'd never let me love him again
One day he'll know he's better off

Justyce Regular Sep 2013

Wasted

You'll find me in the garden
pulling up the roots
claiming my boots are the only thing in my life that's grounded
because 7 months ago when you were wasted
blowing smoke out your lungs
telling me you loved me, that that was enough
I should've started running because you hated cigarettes
and you've never been one to believe that love is enough
I thought I was enough
You thought I was tough but I'm as timid as my Sunday school heart
I thought you were a brilliant piece of artwork lover

Lover, I made you a time machine
out of paper mache and paper mached my heart
and handed it to you with my full regards
You're sick of the yardwork I wanna do
I'm sick of picking up your muddy boots but I'd still
shoot myself to the moon as long as you'd follow right behind me
Maybe we should just take up drinking so you can love me
full time instead of the part of time you actually do
and I knew you were a natural disaster the first time I laid my eyes on you
in the back of the bar
ripping me apart like a city
and leaving the crowd to pick up the pieces of my heart
I wish you still loved me when you were sober
because when you're wasted I can taste it
the fallacy in your throat
the lips that feel undone
and you
and how we used to be so right
and how now it's all so wrong

Justyce Regular Aug 2013

Broken Record

I think I might be a broken record
because the holes in my hands match the ones from the cross
and I'm thinking I might be continuously letting my soul die
for the ******* sins of others
Not to mention myself
I'm not Jesus
I'm a locust stealing the fruits of an unripe seed
Planting the hearts I stole in the chests of others
and I swore upon my brother's life
that tonight I wouldn't break them
the chains of the lost that I so easily found
I've got a track record for letting everyone I love down

Remember that hole you put in my ground
you told me I was hurricane
not a good thing could come from me
I knew it
I knew it
like the last breath of a lover
I was hovering over your head
waiting for you stop breathing so I could steal your last breath
and didn't I know it

I guess this is a warning to all the future people I meet
if you see me on the street, don't be drawn to me
I know what it's like to fall in love hopelessly
cause I hopelessly fell for you
in that same hopeless way he fell for me
and I don't know how to breathe
cause the tongue in my mouth isn't mine anymore
and the words I used I write down feel like someone else's poems
I've been writing down every minute that follows me around
I used to wanna leave this **** hole of a town

You helped me figure it all out

Justyce Regular Jun 2013

Honestly

There was some kind of emptiness in my eyes last night
I could feel it
like a tornado sweeping over a deserted land
My deserted hands feel like a grand piano
playing a tune only you can understand
I dreamed of it once
a boy with blue eyes brushing away all of my sacrifice
and I swore I wouldn't let it slip away this time
like my mother did, every single time
Her daughter rushing for the exit sign
me
A time bomb left ticking
like a clock without a 12 and a song without the tune
and you
without me
I know it doesn't work
so I carved your name in the Earth and poured concrete into the words
because I can't ever let myself forget this
I can't let you forget this, we have to make it
As far as I'm concerned
your lips are a cave filled with crystal clear waters and a soft floating pillow
for me to lay
and I swear I was made to stay there
fit this way
like a puzzle piece fitting perfectly in it's perfect place
beside you
I can't remember fitting anywhere else
and your heart it melts in my palm
and I call out to some god so then maybe I can figure it out
how it's possible to have been so blessed
by your breath and your chest
and the beauty I recollect when I think of our first night
me floating in my flower dress
I wore a flower dress when I ran for my life
and I found yours and I like the way it tastes
I must say, I must stay
Honest, honestly I once whispered to a willow tree
about this boy I met in a dream
I swear it was always you
It's always been you

Justyce Regular May 2013

The Boy

Four years ago I kissed your eyelids
and told you that when we grew old
I would tell them to bury my dead body right next to yours
so we'd never have to sleep apart
A part of me always knew you wouldn't last that long
You reached your rough hands to the clasp of my bra
and danced naked with me in our livingroom
I met you when you thought needles were magic
and you thought God was found in a cloud of smoke

I was 17 and the curls in my hair were designed by mother
I had my "father's eyes"
and my "sister's cheekbones:
but you liked my hips and the heart shaped freckle on my lower back
the way my brow furrowed before I fell asleep
You liked the parts of me no one could whisper "were passed down through the gene pool"
You were 20, you had track marks like sleeves up your arms
and your frail frame was a byproduct of your mother's addictions
and your father's love was formed on the thick skin he made you wear
Your lips tasted like peppermint
but I loved your heart.

When we got older you got down on one knee
and promised a lifetime of yourself to me
No one understood that I would have given a lifetime of fighting for you
if it meant there was even a small chance that I could mend those wounds
Even if I had to suffer every evening tear
every glistening moonlight
that you begged for more
because even though the needle   in your arm made you weak
I saw the strength you held me up with
and I saw the lips that craved for better
and I wished a lifetime of happy endings
because you'd had a lifetime of sorrows
I wanted to capture you in a  musicbox
because you always made my heart sing
and there was kitestring on your finger
that you promised you'd never forget
and I thought beyond everything  else someone must understand
so I wrote this poem to show the world the beauty I saw
despite the flaw
and my parents dreams for "better for me"
They didn't know the things you'd seen but they were right
I never said you were perfect
but when that hot July sun came
and you married me under that sycamore tree
and promised that you'd spend your life quitting
but never on me

So now I'm collecting red roses
for all the petals you left on my bed sheets
and I'm cleaning out the shirts in your closet
because I tried for years but you never wore them
You didn't get it
I loved you with a fire so deep in the ground
I swore I'd never let it burn out
and it hasn't
but in the end time couldn't let me keep you
Time wouldn't let you keep yourself
so now they're digging a hole in the ground
and I have to leave you there without help
because there was a boy with a needle in his arm
that couldn't face the past
and he cast a long shadow down a forever path
and even though he promised forever
he had given me the best that he had
So I kept his kitestring for another lifetime
when we get to sleep together again

Justyce Regular May 2013

Cigarette Butts

It's been 4 months and 17 days since you were last in my time zone
All I can think about is how warm you must be in San Francisco
never dreamed you'd actually go
In Colorado there's 2 feet of snow
and the remaining glow of the figment of a halo
you left for me
I've been picking up cigarette butts for 4 months
I thought I told you there was a ******* ashtray for our ***** habits
now every cigarette **** I pick up reminds me of us
One.
your eyes, blue telephones lines directly connected to Autumn skies
Two.
hands dripping from the paint wars in our backyard
when you splashed yellow paint on our boring kitchen floor
so you would stop looking at the door
I should've noticed the signs
you were gone long before you ever said goodbye
Three.
your elbows, feet and knees pressed against mine
under blue bed sheets
Four.
that cold December morning when you said the weather was an exact reflection
of the feelings that you were holding
and you couldn't face this anymore
so you slammed that back screen door, chipped the yellow painted floor
told me you loved me
just not anymore

Justyce Regular May 2013

Two Years

Tonight there's an ocean separating us
and a fire in my backyard to honour all the ways you kept my heart ignited
For two years I watched you press your lips together before you fell asleep
so yesterday, I pressed a flower petal in a glass frame
and hung it above my bed to remind me
of that summer you brought me to the Coast
looked out at the ocean and whispered you dreamed to be a boat
or a plane
anything that could take you away
I dreamed I could change your mind
I was an open field
You were my raging sea
I should've known time would rob you from me but I hoped
that if I attached a rope connecting you to our bedpost
you'd always find your way back to me
but I realize now you can't stop a ghost from floating
and you can't stop the wind from blowing
It was bound to happen
like I'll always be bound to you
and you'll never give a **** about me