The hardwood underneath my back is a ballad
It is listing a long letter of words along my spine
all related to missing something
I arch my back to release the air so I can create more space for you.

You left me on a Tuesday
and I can't recall what day it is now but I know you're gone and the days have passed like the sun shining through a glass house, sort of beautiful, sort of broken
Let's be honest
You said it was you but we know it was me
My wool socks remind you of your grandfather
I hardly ever write
I drink wine far too often for one human and of course,
My lips never quite kissed you well enough
Who wants well enough
Nobody and I don't blame you
I blame myself because I spent 1563 nights complaining about dishes
Who the **** would wanna live like that

I swear I tried, I guess

I am eyes & bones & Sundays
I am floating, forever furious at my feet
for making me walk instead of fly
I was a child the first time I saw a door close in front of me
I think that's why I fail a lot
I think that's why I fear
a lot of me is breaking always
Fading always
changing
never

I think I remember the first someone let me down
It was Tuesday & my back was bending like broadway dancers
I was cuddling my pillow to see what it felt like
To hold something
To hold something longer than my father
I wanted to stay forever but it only lasted 3 years
I think he's why I fail a lot
I fear a lot always
I think that's why I quit piano
Because I think I think it's okay to walk away when you're uninterested

I am bounding heart & blood & Friday nights of wine
I am my father's daughter
Disintegrating endlessly
Changing never
Always moving away

Magic magic kingdom
Here we are
It’s mother ******* Disney land in this cabin home we’ve built together
Dust and bones lay idle here
Kissing the ground on which I place my feet
You’re always kissing the ground on which I place my feet
We used to know the palms and backs of hands
Marriage does this to us
Makes us weak
Makes us forget that we met on our backs looking at the ******* sky
Astounded by our endless time
I love you still still the same as air
Still the same as cotton candy and carnivals

This tiny orange bottle is the downfall and the uphill
It's the mini medication monsoon
It's the heart attack headache heart break
Beating broadly on my chest
Just like you
It keeps me balanced
Not like an acrobat on tightrope, fighting
Like a strong wind blowing trees
Breezy

Then I forget it
I forget one, two, three
Tiny white tic tac time bomb
And that's what I am
A bomb
Blood, terrors night
Me, terrors you
Who am I now
I forget my own tune
Tuesday's traffic accident
Monday's manic
Bedridden, am I

Sunday I am human
Flesh, blood, bones and beating heart
I am not a byproduct of depression
I am not a byproduct of disaster
I am full and whole and writing
I am floating on my back in the river by my mom's house
I remembered the tiny "take one tablet daily"

I am not depressed

I used to breathe like this:

In out In out In out
sTeAdY

I used to collect paper clips and turn them into upside down butterfly wings
I used to know you
I used to count each freckle on your hip and pretend it was a kaleidoscope
Turning
Colour changing
Chameleon
You are a soft suckle sultry summer sunflower
Spreading seeds with your hungry hippo ***** bite

I used to breathe like this:

In in Out out In in Out out
wHiMsIcLe

I used to kiss your sonnet shouting lips
I used to fist fight on Friday nights when whisky was whispering
Remember that
I used to love you
Remember that
But I'm
Turning
Colour changing
Chameleon

Trying to count how I used to breathe
******

I keep trying to get back to something
Like I have been lost for five thousand years and I'm just trying to catch a glimpse of myself again
But the thing about being lost is that maybe you're never found
Maybe that's how honour yourself
By forgetting the snake skin you shed five years ago and accepting that this is how you live now

I keep trying to write poems about my broken heart
I keep trying to write poems about unrequited love
I keep trying to write poems about drinking too much wine
I keep trying to write poems about a person I once loved

But my heart is more whole now than it has ever been
He loves me back
I'm not drinking to deal with my **** anymore
I have found the one person whom my soul loves

So maybe I'll just write about my new skin

It's soft and it loves him, wholly, entirely
I am in love with you and the way you shake back and forth like a willow tree
I am in love with how you look when you sleep
I am in love with your mind and how it spins and turns at a different rate than mine
I am in love with the fact that we have to work at our life
I am in love with the child you helped me create
I am in love with our life

So maybe I should just leave the **** in the past instead of seeking it out

I don't know exactly how to deal with what's happened
You were there, breathing, shaking
But I don't remember thinking anything was different
You reached out for my hand and I was reading a textbook about how to help people with mental illness

I held my breath for 368 days
But the thing is all I see is red
It clings to my bed sheets, it clings to the rug
It holds on to the bathroom floor
It remains on the closet door in a hand print
Footprints across the hallway floor
Why can't I see your face instead of the blood?
Why can't I see you smiling?
Why can't I remember that far back?

The thing is it's my job to recognize brokenness
Not only recognize but mend it
I'm the sewing needle for the torn up heart
But why didn't  I bring the kit?
Why didn't I have the right colour thread?