if you asked me last month what I thought was our downfall
I’d easily say it’s the space between us
There’s just too much space
Too much space for pain
For Distrust
For Dishonor
For Disrespect
Today I know that’s not true
Space doesn’t cause issues
It emphasizes the fear that was always there
I
Don’t
Trust
You
You cheated on me in the past and I forgave you
But now, when you don’t call
When you’re not present
When you’re away and not answering
I’m filling the empty space with every possibility of what you could be doing
It’s ironic how everyone is always trying to be ‘right’ all the time
But in this moment, I’ve never wanted to be more wrong
The space didn’t **** us, baby, you did

Self destruction
The two words struck through me like overwhelming bursts of electricity
Electrocuting every atom of my being until all I saw was you
You didn’t think about me that night
You didn’t think about how your actions would affect me
You did, however, think about yourself
You thought about yourself when you drank until you couldn’t stand
You thought about yourself when you took the pills on your countertop
You thought about yourself when you forced me to drink more than I wanted
You thought about yourself when you took advantage of my weakness
You thought about yourself when you took advantage of me
You didn’t think about me
You didn’t think about me at all that night
You didn’t think about me when you scarred every piece of my soul
You didn’t think about me as my tears stained your sheets
You didn’t think about me that morning when I looked at you
I looked at you, but you didn’t see me
Did you ever see me
Because all I see now is you
Taking advantage of me

It’s fascinating to me how intriguing it all is
Something so simple
Going around and around in the same circle
Listening to the same jingle
I’m convinced that the magic is the ability to rest on something different
Whether it be a horse
Giraffe
Lion
Elephant
Somehow, going around in circles seems special for that 2 minutes and 46 seconds
That’s what love looks like
A continuous circle
The same blessings
The same tragedies
Life
Death
Joy
Pain
But somehow when you can rest on someone different
Someone whom your soul longs for
Fights for
It’s bliss
The same routine is now euphoric
Still feeling pain
Sorrow
Good and evil
But it’s better, it’s bearable
60 years from now I’ll be going around the same circle
Listening to the same jingle
And with matching porch chairs and cozy sweaters
It will still be nothing short of magic

I have trouble coping with being what I am
Just another
Just another girl
Just another date
Just another reason to go out drinking past Eight
Just another face waking beside you
For me, you were everything
You managed to take captive my thoughts
And make your mark on my mind
The hardest kind of breakups are the ones that
Aren’t really breakups because
You were never together
You were everything
Every inch of my wonder
And I can’t shake the realization that for you
I am still just another

I cannot stop ordering gimlets
******* Gimlets
Each time I'm reminded of the first time I tried yours
“Its gin lemonade,” you would say
I hated gin but decided to try it anyway
With a smile like that
How could I not?
I liked it
I really liked it
I liked it the way I loved you
Slowly to start but then all at once

Here I am tonight
At a different bar with someone else
Still ordering ******* gimlets

I dreamt about you again last night
You were looking at me with the kind
Of smile that makes me feel like breathing
The kind of smile that makes breathing worth it
The kind of smile that makes me forget absolutely
Everything else but you
It’s happening again
Right now
Here
You
With me
The worst dreams are the ones that are memories
Able to relive the magic but wake up to reality
I dreamt about you again last night

One day you’re going to fall in love again
And it will be wonderful
Just like it was all the other times
But this time it will be different
Because they will love you back
That’s what I tell myself
And tell myself
And tell myself
Because of this I am convinced
Relationships don’t always end because
Someone stops loving you
Sometimes relationships end because someone
Decides to love them self more
I live for the somedays
The days when I am kept by someone whom my soul loves
Someday