I'm standing on the bluff. The beautifully crisp ocean air whips through our hair out here. I remember when you were standing here. The early morning sun was just rising, And you were standing just about where I'm standing now. You're luscious hair, That amber gold color matching the morning light so cleanly. I was looking through the kitchen window of our "little shack" as you called it.
I spin around.
Yup, It's still here. Our little cabin. Still has those sun bleached blue shutters, with lady bug curtains. As I walk closer I can almost here your voice telling me,
"Take off your swimsuit babe, I don't want you dripping all over this floor of ours."
I stop in the front doorway and put my hand over where we notched our initials into the frame. We were so young, heavens above this heart looks a bit crude in the old wood.
You would love it. The wood's taken a bit of a lighter color now. I chuckle a little as I let my forehead hit my hand and lean upon the frame.
"You always did complain that the wood was a little dark".
I say as if you'd answer.
A few steps in and I'm at our little circle breakfast table. Yep, There's the good old bumble bee table cloth, And stitched pattern chairs. Home made cushions. Not one of your best, But **** was it comfortable. I get up and walk to the hall way.
"Remember when the kids would come running down this very hall way, Just to see the geese outside my love?"
As I walk down the hallway I brush my hand along the wall. Right where the wall paper cracked, Yep. Still there. The little drawings the kids did, to fill in the space.
"It's their artwork, we could never get rid of it. Heh, But the wallpaper still needs a changing."
I let out a little smile with that one.
My knees creak and pop as I take the stairs. Thank god this is only a two floored house.
The two kids rooms, and ours. I remember standing here and looking out at the ocean with you.
" Remember that big storm where we watched the waves out of our window? Every wave that hit, your little nose scrunched up. Oh, I loved it."
As I layed down on the bed, our bed, I swear I could feel you next to me.
"Oh, babe, Remember how I had pneumonia? And I layed right here? Well I'm sicker now. The docter who brought me here said it won't be too long. I think I'll rest here a while."
And that was the last thing I said.
Remember dear?
"Oh, I remember" she says. "I've heard you say this story a hundred times. And at least here in heaven, There's no loud waves or birds, So I could listen to this story perfectly, Another hundred times."

I tear my heart open just to feel my crimson slime drip through the cracks of my shattered ribs. I cut through my charades of arms and skins and let the red hot blade slide through and burn the wounds so I leave no mess. I'm a ***** mess as I walk barefooted down badly paved roads. It's the darkest hour of the night, But no one told me it would be the warmest. I stepped across the tared pavement street with my bare, ***** feet. I walked for miles in the darkest hours. I walked without shoes, I walked without shirt. I walked across highways, I walked through towns. People only stare and gawk at the less fortunate. But who said that I was less fortunate? I was driven by only one purpose, To make someone else happy. I did not do this for myself. I was on no pilgrimage. I took the walk in the darkest hours just to see a love of mine. I had fallen in love and out of reality. I had lost many friends; many resources; much credibility. I beat the ground until my knuckles bled. I caused more intentional harm to my own body than anyone or thing had done to me in ten years time I've traversed this path many a time but it never gets any easier. To think I'm doing this based upon a thought or rumor. To think of all I've done and yet I am poor; I am cold; I am walking to find a place to sleep. A place where I may rest my chin up upon a rope and slip off the rock underneath. A place where I could be happy and rest in a peace I haven't known in years. It's like you're spitting fire in your words. I can feel every syllable slap across whatever scarred canvas I have left. That's really all I am isn't it? A canvas where you can paint whatever picture you want; because you know I'll follow your every demand. Have I just become your toy? I tell everyone I do it out of love. I tell myself I do it out of love. But really, Is it just muscle memory? Lately I've been losing sleep. Even less sleep then I would normally get, rolling about and wallowing in my own despair. Isn't that sad? Isn't there some way I can actually convince myself it's supposed to be like this? What's it matter. The farther I walk the less I realize how far I stray from the side of the road. These yellow lines? I'm in the middle? But how? I haven't even noticed myself drifting. Drifting? Wasn't I just walking? But how? And that's when it hits me. The branch, I mean. How could I not even notice I've hung my own body? Has my life really come down to this? Walking barefoot down a cold road to find a nice place to die? What's it matter, you know? sometimes rambling is best. Just to be heard. Just to know someone is out there, looking at my words and knowing I exist. I exist. You know what? That's right. I do exist and ******* if that's what I have to tell myself to stay here, I'll do it for you. Because I love you. And not hell or high water will change that. I love you and I'm here for you. I exist. Please remind me I exist?

I day dreamed. And it went something like this.
I was standing in a forest on a little oath underneath a beautiful and elegant white arch. golden brown and red leaves surrounded me.
I was wearing a fantastic black suit, With a very very faded array of grey pinstripes. I looked down to my shoes, And they were a nice black leather pair. My hair was slicked back and I had a Barbour shave my face. I had never been so fancy in my life.
You appeared from what seemed like thin air. You were absolutely stunningly dressed in a white dress that hugged your body just ever so elegantly. With a beautiful train and tiara on your head, you were the most beautiful thing on the planet.
There were whispered remarks of how much more beautiful you were than anyone in the crowd behind us. You walked with such grace you didn't even disturb the leaves on the ground.
I teared up and got a pat on the back and was reminded by a voice that had no face to be strong.
We stood apart from each other under the arch.
There was only one tear on your face.
On your left side.
All of a sudden, Out of nowhere, You opened your mouth and in a hushed voice you said "I don't want to be married."
The next thing i saw was the tree canopy. I guess I fell. I got up and you were apologizing, But I ran for my life. I was in a bar all of a sudden, I had already had a few drinks judging by the empty bottles on the bar top. I walked outside, More like stumbled. But you were there, No longer in your elegant dress but a sweatshirt and slacks. You said you were sorry. In a rage a bellowed out that I was sorry for breathing. You pulled me close and said "I'll fix you".
And it was then I felt the pain in my chest. You had put some kind of blade through me. You told me to sleep well. The next thing I saw was the white washed walls of an operation room. You were above in a viewing room. I blacked out. You were standing in front of me and said you had ran off with a childhood friend and were having a shotgunwedding. I let out a small choke of a cry, And said don't worry, This time I'll fix myself. The room went black as I kicked a stool out from under my feet. I felt a quick pain and heard you say "good, You'll finally be right". Then I realized I was stuck reliving the last days of my life.