18 months I've kept this trapped in
to be quite honest I don't know where to begin.
I was working two jobs to support you and your mother
I truly thought that we could always love one another.
Late one night the ringing wouldn't stop.
10 missed calls made my heart drop.
Work finally slowed down and I called back
the anxiety almost gave me a ******* heart attack.
"Honey sorry I've been busy is everything okay?"
She said she'd had enough, she said she couldn't stay.
"I mean I know that I'm not perfect but this is out of the blue
can you at least stay through the night so I can talk to you?"
I calmed her down, things seemed to be alright.
But she changed her mind before the end of the night.
3 hours later I got another call.
Your mother decided she couldn't stay after all.
You were 3 months old and I didn't get to say goodbye
I couldn't stop crying, felt like I was gonna die.
I had no idea a heart could break so bad.
After a wave of emotions I realized I was mad.
I was working 80 hour weeks to stay financially stable
to buy diapers, gas, and clothes, and keep food on the table.
18 months later the divorce is finally going through
still working 2 jobs to give her money to take care of you.
I'm still healing even though I act like I am fine.
But I don't have nearly enough time with my precious son of mine.
That's why I'm still grinding every single day.
I'm coming for you, I'll be moving your way.
I won't let her come between this dynamic duo
I'm so happy she takes good care of you though.
It's frustrating dealing with so much drama.
But I'm so thankful that she's at least a good mama.
There may be many differences between she and I
but there's at least one thing, on her I can rely.
That she'll put you first in everything in life
which is why it doesn't matter that she's no longer my wife.
We can both agree that your future is priority number one.
So buckle up and enjoy the ride because we love you son.

I want a girl who loves God,
likes baseball, and is the other pea in my pod.
I want a girl who finds sarcasm funny
and isn't focused all on money.
I want a girl whose smile shines bright
and who knows I'll be there for her day or night.
I want a girl who likes to snuggle,
and knows the difference between mudblood and muggle.
I want a girl who had similar television taste
so I know my shows won't be erased.
I want a girl who is tough but sweet
and is so fine she can't be beat.
I want a girl who understands why the last line was clever
and likes that I'm one of the most romantic people ever.
I want a girl who likes participating in every sport;
she doesn't have to be good, just give a good effort.
I want a girl full of internal beauty
but most of all I want a girl who wants me.

Just when I was starting to think I'd be okay
that I would be able to move on one day
and find someone else who I could love the way I loved you
what do you go and do?
You call me when you're drunk
who would've thunk
that I'd be the one that you call
as you stumble and fall
up the stairs on the way to your room
the man you used to want as your groom.
Who almost though his heart was healing
until you told him you were dizzy looking at the ceiling.
He realized he missed your voice on the phone
remembered the secrets you'd shown
and thousands of other memories over time
how you'd been partners in crime
for 8 long wonderful years
and that brought back more tears,
because that's when he remembered that you were no longer his
that you wouldn't be having his kids
or buying a house where you'd live together,
and spend your lives in each others arms forever.
All those dreams are long and gone
but he still waits, played like a pawn
as the queen protects her new king
and leads the pain into pain and suffering.
But the pawn keeps moving for her because that's all he knows
she was the future that he chose
but his future no longer wanted to choose him.
He had gone out on a limb
and given away his heart.
But when they grew apart
she kept a broken piece with her everywhere she went.
He thought he was slowly able to mend
but just realized that it was just pretend.
He was putting on a mask to make life easier
but the more he thinks the more he is queasier
because she's the one she called when she got wasted
which means in her mind he's still pasted.
He thinks about how she could've called her new thing
but she called me and I answered on the first ring,
because I still love her and a part of her loves me
and I know it's foolish but that's all I can see.
The slight glimmer of hope that I have when I shouldn't
because I want to think she would when I know that she wouldn't
ever get back with me for various reasons
although we've loved each other through so many seasons.
She called me, but why
why would she call the heartbroken guy
that still loves her when she won't return his feeling
yet at the same time is this call revealing.
I'll sit here and wonder but I'll never know
why she drunk called me and why I responded with hello.

My brain flows like the current of the ocean
thoughts and memories constantly in motion.
Ideas tend to come and go
some are nice and deep yet others are shallow.
I have a unique way of thinking
I can give advice confidently without blinking.
Yet somehow my own problems are too complex
I look at them through foggy specs
because my brain battles with my heart
as I slowly fall apart
from not knowing whether to surf the wave
or to go with my heart and be brave.
My mind says one thing heart says another
slightly contradicting like a father and a mother.
Both want what they view is best for you but they differ
while I'm here stuck with a mess that can't get cleaned by swiffer.
Right now my heart is broken so there's only one thing to do
which is surf the waves of my brain until I get over you.
My situations like an whirlpool dragging me down
but this young man refuses to drown.
So I write poems for they're my life preserver,
and I'll swim on because I guess I don't deserve her.
These are thee waves that crash in my head
every night before I go to bed.
Sometimes I feel like I'm going insane
but it's just the waves that are crashing in my brain.

Like a shooting star
I'm gone but you can see me.
my hearts fighting a war
but it's doing it discretely.
I need love like a car needs gas
without it my bodies failing
I'm hoping this phase will pass
for my personality's derailing

As a child you have no agenda set
you wake up every morning and don't know yet
what you're going to do
what or with who.
You let things come your way
some leave and some stay
but you always adjust how you live
you take or you give
without a second thought
you don't think whether or not
it's the best decision for you
you just do what you do
and you smile
and after a while
you start to age
your book of life writes a new page
day by day
soon your first hair will turn gray
when school is no longer fun
but just a task to be done
because responsibility is now yours
just like at home you have chores
that you now plan around
no longer at the playground
but now you're at home
sitting alone
instead of playing with friends
by yourself your day ends
unless you count the things on your bed
papers to write, books still to be read.
Your friendships fade away
but more begin day by day.
Schools pass by ever so fast
next thing you know you're in college at last.
But college isn't like on TV
it's not just a giant party.
It's hours of studying and work
and lots of stress likes to lurk
until it comes out of the blue
trying to destroy you.
You learn to fight this attack
by making friends who always have your back
at least that's what you think
until they find a weak link
which they then break apart
partially breaking your heart
because you honestly care
and would always be there
for them but they don't believe
it's an idea they cannot conceive.
For humans are born in sin
so we simply cannot begin
to believe things others say
without proof to lead us that way.
and it's sad that one little mistake
a solid friendship it can take
and break it like its fragile as glass
when you met in third grade class
and now after seven years
you no longer lend ears
and its slightly pathetic
only difference is education versus athletic
he chose one path and I chose another
so I lost a friend who was my first fake brother.
It's fine though because I've gotten close to more
men and women I would honestly die for.
But would they do the same?
This is why life is such a game,
we're all pieces in the real game of life
I'm aiming for a career, car, and wife.
At the same time though I want to make friends
ones that have no ends.
People I consider sisters and brothers
that I'll know when they become fathers and mothers.
I want my kids to be friends with theirs
and for us to have convos as we sit old in wheelchairs
because we're getting to that age where the games almost done
where we know we've all won
because of the friendships we've had
through the good and the bad.
I don't know if that's how things will turn out
but that's what I want my life to be about.
As I sit here at 20 I dream and wish
that this is a goal I can accomplish.
At the moment I let stress build, and decay
the goal that I live for each and every day.
School and work are tearing me down
but it seems like nobody notices how my eyes frown.
It's due to my positive outlook I know
because I find silver linings so my eyes can still glow.
I have some friends that help ease the burden a bit
enough to know that I would never quit.
But it'd be nice if more people I sacrifice for
would see that I'm not just holding open a door.
I'm lending my hand to them when they need
I'm not just trying to do a good deed.
I'm trying to show them I want them as friends
all the way until my game of life ends.
Due to these struggles with stress I have strife
as does every one else; so goes life.

Life goes by
in the blink of an eye
so make sure you live to the fullest
don't aim to be the coolest
'cause friends fade away
and although some stay
those are the ones who love you
not the "cool" things that you do.
Live life with goals to fulfill
believe that you will
achieve them and more
because that's what life is for.
Personally my goal is to please God
and with me some will nod
in agreement
that finding Christ is the best achievement.
I know I can't be perfect
but striving Tabalikum is worth it.
I will need help to stay strong
but I've got true friends who will help me along.
My brothers and sisters in Christ will assist
when my goals are first missed
but eventually I'll be on track
and I won't look back.