Your love for me is a loud silence

I see your face
whenever I try to
Remember
Your voice

feelings of missing you
remind me that I am human
that I bleed too.

I go days without the thought of you lately..
It hurts that I still remember you..
But it hurts more that you're becoming a memory..
Something of the past..

It's sad that
You're no longer here.
Because I'm listening to this song
And
I miss you.
I love you
Come back,
No don't, you hurt me and I hurt you.

i am sad.
i am never not sad.
all because of you.
The outpouring of this emotion,
keeps you alive.
But you're not.

hey,
I just cried for you,
A lot,
It was sad,
It's going to make me,
Sick.
I love you,
You can come back now

Today marks the eighteenth,
I am smiling,
I miss you,
Believe me.
But you know me,
And,
Lit sticks
Of,
Marijuana

Lit sticks of marijuana,
Held to my lips,
By my hand
Are now easier to bare
because I have nothing tying
My heart
To you.
Though I am still sad, I am not crying for you anymore and that is okay.

I continue to breathe without you
It's a struggle.. it's painful because I was terrible at this even with you here with me.
It was somewhat bearable, 
but I can't do it.
" for what feels like months, but really is days " 
I don't know, I haven't tried to forget you
                               I have cried, a lot
                               More than A Lot 
That's all I do..
i try to breathe and I cry

you're the only thing keeping me around, alive.
you have all of this control
you died.
What am I doing..

i lied and said i need you. I don't. I need her. I miss her. I'm sorry. I do love you but this void needs filling you're more than willing. I could be good to you. Do right by you...past experiences have me shook.

i remember
i am remembering a voice i have never heard.
you have come alive, after your death.
i lost you. i am to blame.
im losing myself to you. i am to blame.
somebody tell her to come back to me.
i promise never to harm her
i promise to be good
i promise, just someone, bring her back to me.


these feelings came to me when I remembered to breathe while realizing you are no longer here


every time I do
i die, more than a lot, on the inside



your name is pretty
tell it to me
what was it ?
what was it really ?

the silence
isn't all that bad until I realize you're not there to answer.


im stuck here, writing notes as I messaged you just a week ago

But with no response
instead just the off beat of my heart
Telling me you're gone

Talk to me please

You're gone
And I need you
How do I go centuries with anyone who's not you, Reane

you're gone.
i can't breathe, without you.
someone tell me what to do now.

sing to me, she said
i sang truth like she always wanted
i sang truth like it would bring her closer
i sang truth..more truth and truth
i sang and i lost you.
i sang truth...it was not our truth.
i sang truth, i hurt, you're hurt.
centuries..come on home to me, let me sing truth to you, our truth..no hurt

i don't know about your dreams
i don't know you
i loved you for centuries
you're lost in me
i think of you less
i think of you more as something
lost, out of reach, not mine to keep or rather to bare.

as each day passes with nothing but silence, then maybe, with your torturous attempt to loving me comes and passes,
i think of you less.
i love you more but as I am only human, i hate myself more for being foolish.

You were in the moment but the moment we shared, was and Is mine, to keep. "  -so much for being connected, you will never understand what that means to me.

i swear i write every word just to reach you.
everything i do is to teach you , to understand how i need to be loved, with the coldest distance that keeps me warm at night.
love me carefully, please

there was once a love story hidden in
the words " i stay up all night for you "
           " i wait for you to message me "
           " i will wait for you "
           " you "
i think about how ridiculous i must have sounded in those moments, waiting for you, a love that has passed, a love that is no longer mine, no longer ours.
i was stupid to think that you were ever mine.

poetry lost its grandeur when I realized that this body of words could not make you love me.
poetry lost itself to me|when I realized everything ever wrote has an ending.
when i realized, everything that could have been|you stomped on|after. . . You killed me.

i built a home in you.
i found happiness in you.
i found life in you.
i found parts of myself
   in you.
i built a home in you,
all by myself
i built a home in you,
with you|your permission.
i love you, to the ends of this earth
i love you.
i love you, to the breaking of me.
i love you, everything.
i love you, everything.
i love you, to the end of myself
                   to the end of you.
i love you, a mistake.
i love you, i would do it all over again
                   without any hesitation.
i love you, everything.

..earthquakes beneath my skin.
i posses the power
     of unruly waves.
you've seen me shake.
i cannot count on you to hold me
    when i am most troubled.
..earthquakes beneath my skin,
tremors i could never control.
suicide|

how dare you?
  give me all that soul?
                 all that love?
       baby all that art?
how dare you give me that,
         and then take it away?
that is not okay, i am not okay.
-whoever you are

the difference between
you and them.
they let me be.
    you make me want to be.
they lead me to believe in a brighter
day.
   you make me see
    you make me seek
    you make me want the brighter day.
         whoever you are.

you stayed silent, while I was loud in approach but as we know,
you achieved the impossible, bringing down to earth, she, who could not be altered.
-who transcends human nature
- she who changes
- or she who brings about changed.

quietly in love with you for centuries.
fairytale like
feelings of living,
together,
forever.

the kind i cannot write about.

i remember.
i remember telling her, i played Tetris because, everything started to go bad and i missed her.

|everything went bad and somehow that was code for " we cannot be together anymore "
everything went dark and i could not get up and leave because i was truly in denial, i could make it through another quiet month?
everything went bad, went quiet, i slowly became what i was feeling, i went quiet, as i missed her too much to allow myself to be as open before.
everything went bad and i lost parts of me, as if i had anything left to lose.

|i missed her, the very reason for all my pain, i can't even blame her, i gave her the power to build a home in my mind without even living there.
|i don't remember where I begin.
  i don't remember the love i had for you.
i don't remember a night without tears.

broken heart; tear stained pillows, books and sleeves..
you said to me " you are missed " my immediate response was " you are missing from me, baby please come back to me " those words were easily typed and then again erased.. and with that I had to excuse myself and stain the sleeves in the comfort of my own solitude..trapped
i need you, not a part of you but all of you as i gave my everything to you, it may be hard but in order for me to call myself yours, this box, you call home? has to become something more than a vessel i plan my inevitable end

dear diary|
i cannot blame her forever.
i played a good part in letting myself go.
I've realised.
blaming you was easy.
blaming you was merely my way of keeping you in my life, blaming you was and still is the reason for my demise.
I've realised.

nightmares do come true.
realising just how lonely i really am.
i never thought I'd ever feel this way again, the only thing that appeals to me is my art and it seems as if momentarily I have lost it, to the girl that thought she broke my heart, truth be told? your actions do not come close to what I'm feeling, i said this before but now i believe it

I'd cry myself to sleep,
  if i could.
but I can't.
thank you.

I am lonely,
Without you.
You are missing,
From me.

i felt my heart break.
you were there
and you felt it too.
earthquakes beneath my skin,
tremors felt,
feared.
i posses the power of unruly waves, you've seen me shake.
All you have to do is hold me tight enough to keep my aching heart at bay.
Question existing:
is this the end..

to the girl..
  my.. girl...

tell me what this is? is this the reality of what we've become ? what we're meant to be.
stargazing into infinity sounds like a cry for help than a romantic gesture shared between two lovers, star crossed..kept a part by time..
  I'd like to someday share this with you but i cannot fathom the mere thought of us being close together, in the same room hell even the same continent..
what have we become ?
is this love?
you can't call me baby.. because it's been years and I'm not her.
i can't hear you call me baby.. because I'm not her and somehow you've made me feel like " that girl " the one that's only worth something when it suits you best..
i flinch whenever you call me baby.. i can't breathe, sometimes i feel disgusted, like second grade crap because that's all I've been to you..
something's got to give.

letter to my girl..
you don't know this but I taste like unfinished poems.
   i say this because when you kiss me hard before you and get a whiff of me, you will search for the words, i will hold you close, while you entwine our tongues and show me how much you yearn for my lips, the closeness and for me to finish this poetry, this book.
you and i both know i am no good girl and i yearn for you touch, your warm embrace, your kisses and so much more...
i will keep on telling you my poetry cannot be rushed just to have you taste me and me taste you over and over again...

is she pretty? she asked.
i smiled, for the longest time.
on the inside..? she asked again
    the smile I had, that faded..
   realising they are never pretty..on the inside..
pretty faces, all over the wall, hideous facades of lies and utter *******.

is she pretty ? they asked, i could never smile again, because the inside became something i could not ignore.
the inevitable truth of what you were, not just the really ******* pretty face, came to light.
i call *******.

nights made for sleeping
not thinking
maybe we're just programmed differently.
somewhere, something went wrong.
i think more than i sleep.

letter to my love.
the beauty about poetry,
  the words written in a moment can be so profoundly meant and felt and they can just about overwhelm you to the point of seeping through the cracks our slightly opened palms.
and in another moment they easily become lies spewed by a heart once in love but now broken by it, trapped in a web of lies, fingers around my neck kind of lies, snap your neck and end you kind of lies, I loved you, you made it painful for me, another empty space in this heart..
you wondered why i was afraid of falling , you did not catch me.

" do you know how dangerous it is to have a mind like yours and a soul like yours ? that **** will bring people to their knees "
Alexis-Rae said this to me 46weeks ago, just a little less then a year ago, thinking about her words and how positive and beautiful my words, my poetry was back then how I once had fallen for someone so deeply that she could do no wrong and she was every bit of the word serendipity, how I believed in balloons and all that really fairytale oriented analogies, I think of this and wonder where that person went, I see her in the mirror everyday when I wake up but she's hidden herself with a gray facade of hideous lies, she spews truth but wallows so deep into this new being she has become and has grown, she's grown enough to see and call out ******* as it comes her way but we always go back to what we're accustomed to and still I see the beauty in the girl I am so deeply in love with, I still think of her when I see flowers growing need I remind you it's winter and it's cold but the warmth emitted from her aura, the raw emotion she has brought to my life, baby i cannot and will not leave you, you may hurt me and i may say the wrong things at times but this ? us ? I'd like to believe that I still believe in forever , I believe in forever with you, this poem was supposed to be about me and how I've grown but you have become a part of me, a part of me I do not want to part with, if you were to walk away, I'd wither away and cease to exist, we're in a rocky place but I still believe in being the calm that comes after a storm, grant me the pleasure of being your cradle, you weren't there but rock-a-bye baby let me sing you a lullaby and lay your head on my chest and fall into a deep sleep where you wake and the first name you say is mine and I look into your eyes as if you were, you are the light, the light I want to fall into not the never ending abyss I've fallen into. I digress , I love you Reane, I love you...a thousand times I do. Alexis, thank you for the kind words.

specks of light in the skies, always amounting to the stars i counted and slowly realising how deep this love goes, i could never look you in the eye to see the constellations shining bright

questions existing. questions unanswered, the world we live in is not what it seems, i don't mean to stir up and shift the earth of its axis but, questions are left unanswered, almost cures found money making schemes.
question existing, why don't you love me

we're haunted by shadows of what could have been, unfulfilled dreams of what ifs, weeping willows speak to me as the wolves howl at the moon, looking right at the constellations i could never bare to look at for risk of having this fire lit while you move on to another who cares for naught while i stare at the stars and howl with the moon with guilt of loving you and you taking too much, a ***** shame, sins we've committed, i pray to the heavens that i get in

i cannot count the amount of times I've said I love you, to you, it's really funny because, i do not know you, i fell for the way you probed my brain as if there was something of real worth there, i feel for a picture, i fell for pictures, my God, you are beautiful, but that does not change the fact that i spend all my time thinking about you when I'm not talking to you but i do not know you, this is a whole new different type of PCH going on here the words " baby you can be my catfish , lingering on and on and on " this heart? Is a grenade, susceptible to emotion but can easily withdraw from them too. what have i gotten myself into ? this is far from just being another case of my " fear of being alone " this is me digging myself into a hole trying to find China, what have i gotten my heart and mind into now? another broken record, obsession driven ****, i have an illness.

where there's a flame..fire, someone is bound to get burnt
to the girl:
personifying fire as you, my flame.
    you started a fire and you left it in the heart of a person, you left the fire in me, you left it , you left it and you left it in a room filled with papers, papers filled with words, words written for you.
   I don't know how this works anymore, do you let someone in, do you allow them to be apart of you and leave with parts of you?
is it okay to just walk away from someone, without so much as a goodbye or an explanation as to why?
this may not have been your intention, but did i not mention that my heart has been torn? did i not vow to love you ? did you not promise to keep my heart safe as i promised to do with yours?
as i said, this night may not have been your intention but it's right before eleven and i am staring at the moon wondering if you are too? ******* ..I'm not..this is poetry..I'm sitting in this dark corner with this fire lit and i am crying over you.

to the girl: how many analogies about the sea can i come up with until you realise i cannot love you anymore.
    how many more nights can i spend popping pills as if my stomach lining can take that ****.
     how many more times are you going to keep coming back and taking parts of me with you, like you're oblivious to the fact that i need my heart to live?
     -Q.M catharsis

to the girl:
        i don't think you understand
     how much of myself i gave to
    you.
        you were hurt, but i was too,
      i still am. you took everything
      from me and still I'd answer the
      phone if you were to ever call me.
   one would think that i would not care
    but who i am ? who i am today is partly because of you, i may not like it most days but i am a creditor and i give credit where it's due, you did not make me but you did something to me, i'd like to forget it all and forget you too, but you were art to me, the problem with the art is the artist, i fed your ego, i fed your demons i made it okay for you to step all over me one day and the next? I'd still let you myself see the beauty in your broken pieces and that too became art too me and you were the most precious thing to me.
to the girl: you were not at fault but i will not sit here and let you embody all parts of me and break me and call it art and still feed your being and make myself less of a person, i will not sit here feeling sorry for you or myself, i will not forget my worth or give myself up for you or any other either.
to the girl: i loved and lived for you but now ? It's time i started breathing on my own and just being comfortable in my own skin and being okay with my pain and not take on the pain of a thousand false lovers and preconceived ideas of what can and should be.
to the girl: this entry is more for all the girls and not just one specific being.
    i now know my worth..

you cannot break me down as I break myself. you could try but my subconscious has you beat, my entire being has you beat.

She said : " you're too young for a stable and lasting relationship "
I said : " I love you , because our friendship has grown into the most beautiful thing ever , see I've known her since the seventh grade and i fell in love with her in the eighth because she was and still is everything to me, my king, she is, my queen too.

Say what you will about my fickle heart and her but she's the only girl that has never allowed me to feel sorry for myself and has allowed me to live as if I'm " normal " I am " normal " .
Rae? The love I have for you? It is ******* beautiful. I promise