tear you apart,

to forget where i am,

seek myself and forget my sanity,

married ground, catching trees,

flickered wind in some leaves,

now i tore down your town,

and my heart is at ease.

am i manipulative,

or pieces of alcoholism,

of bottles and losing lovers,

leaving loved ones on a whim,

winning in whirlwinds of loss,

dreams of stability and sure,

but your eyes are where I'm lured,

leaving you on a whim,

cold and cautious and scared.

i keep changing rooms,

just to spin away from you,

only hoping you can hold me down,

carrying tons for you.

so you stick around,

fighting men in your crowd.

im sorry i shake,

i don't make sense,

constantly saying things,

that my soul can't say.

hoping time can change my way.

as real as the stars in the sky,

as your discontent in me,

the fear that things stay the same,

on the day i turn thirty-three.

a broken couple eating barbecue,

roadside on its way to an empty home.

the thirty types of chemo,

swimming in my mother's veins.

the same day drink that repeats itself,

when i have a day free.

the screen i can't detach from,

never working on me.

the fear of talking and rehab,

only caring when i drink,

the only time my soul ever sings,

on a mattress getting wasted,

hoping time will give me wings.

i keep buying fictional drinks,

to fix my dysfunctional brain,

without a single soul to help,

but i know too well, the bitter hell,

of caring about other opinions,

than the ones i can place on myself.

i can't say what i want you to say,

while im glued to this room,

my soul is too exhausted,

to repeat what I'll lose.