used to losing things,
those rainy days,
the thoughts with no name,
i have weathered my shame,
the nights that i drank,
my world stays the same.
the pain i can't change,
i'm honest and blamed,
my demons arranged,
to feel so deranged,
be proud, they all say,
but i'm not, and I'm scared,
then they all disappeared.

something broken, deep inside,
long, I've searched,
it always hides.
my friend's say 'breathe,
just give it time'.
how long can trauma,
stay a lie?
so long, I've fought,
to stay alive.
a family worried,
mouth is tied.
my mind can't pick a ******* side.
i want to love myself,
I've tried.

and if I go,
just know i tried.

a devil on shoulders,
careless and older,
infamously colder,
than ice on a boulder.
and so, i'm ashamed,
the things i can't say,
but when they are spoken,
they're given a name.

give me a chance,
i will tear you apart,
your thrown away innocence,
revert to the start.
i breathe in the consequence,
constant, the distance,
we showed from the start.
i'm praying for a better heart.

suicidal,
not afraid to say the name,
whatever takes the pain away,
my friends will always say the same:
'you're fine, get help, you're not okay',
this drink means more,
than being brave.
'I'll stop', I'm saying every day.
whatever takes the pain away.

tracing our steps,
especially tonight.
erasing the fright,
i fight, i can't fly,
you are worth all the apples that,
spill from my eye.
foreseen, all my options,
i die every time.
but hours with you,
i'm a cloud in your light.
i can live for your smile,
for some time, i can try.
if you leave me tomorrow,
i swear I'll be fine.
if love isn't worth it,
i'll still hold on a while.