Ticking time bombs
   tick tick tick away

Bombs here,
Bombs there,
and everywhere

Below me,
Above me
Beside me
In me

Tick tick tick away
In my cold shriveled heart
Tick tick tick away

Waiting for that moment to burst
Explode

And all that is in me
And all that is around me
Will be destroyed with that
Tick tick tick boom

These flashbacks are what are killing me
I'm just waiting for the day that I cut
   too deep
While my mind is elsewhere

I am terrified every night that my mind
   will go back
   to those times
Everything I know of the present disappears

All I see are
   knives                                           him dead
   cement                                         rubble
   a hand on the side of my face    blood on my hands

All I hear is
   beating music                              sirens
   cursing                                         explosions
   tearing of clothes                         silence
   laughing                                       coughing

All I feel is
   a blade ripping my skin
   a sharp pain
   suffocation                                   Nothing

Mix and match any of them
It's still so horrible
   no matter the combination

And I'm all alone in my room
Curled in a ball
Screaming with no sound coming out
With no one there to wake me up

Sometimes I wish I was never born
Rather than live with these memories
Rather than living in fear that I will become unhinged
   from these ever-present flashbacks

A broken mind
A broken heart
A broken spirit
That's all I have now
never to be pieced back together
Since so much of me is missing now

Cut deep
Trying to reach my soul
Trying to cut out the pain
   the hatred
   the disgust

Why can't I cut deep enough?
What the **** is wrong with this blade?
It won't reach far enough
   deep enough
All I see is blood
All I see is red

Cutting over scars
Creating new scars
But they won't touch the pain
All there is is a trickle of blood
   not my soul
   that has disappeared

What the hell?
Why can't I reach it?
Is it so lost, so far hidden in the dark recesses of my mind?
I want to destroy it
I want to gauge it out with the tip of my blade

I want it to die
For if it dies so does my pain
   my disgust
   my dirtiness
   the horror and pain and nightmares
   and me
If it dies so will I

Too many people walk staring down
Watching their feet hit the pavement
Heel toe
Heel toe
Heel toe

It's all the same
Over and over again
Why is it so intimidating to look up?
Are we afraid that glancing forward will cause us to
   trip?

No
We watch our feet
Heel toe
Heel toe
Heel toe
We watch our feet out of fear of what we will see
   when other's see us

Have you ever looked into the eyes of a complete
   stranger intentionally?
Held that stare for mare than a second or two?
What we fear is their judgement
Because
For that extra second we hold their stare
We are
   evaluating them
   sizing them up
   giving them purpose
   or lack of it

That is what we fear
Their judgement
   than verdict

That they, this stranger sharing our path,
   will pound the gavel over our soul
And pronounce us guilty
   unaccepted
   wrong
   strange
   different
   condemned

Their judgement proves all too significant
It will be what defines us
That is why we stare down at our feet
As they go
Heel toe
Heel toe
Heel toe

Make me mad
Please
Make me ******
I beg you
Make me feel
Make me feel something other than
   cold
     unadulterated
        fear

Love me
Be with me
Want me
Need me

Because I need you
Whoever you are
I need you

To hate me
To hold me
To love me
To want just me

I hide everything away
"Everything is ok" is my motto, my go to phrase
******* everything is ok
Ok
I am alright
Everything is A-ok

No, really, it is
Well, maybe some things are ok
Somewhere
Maybe someone's ok
Ok?

But honestly
I'm not ok
Dishonestly I'm ok
And I'm tired of pretending to be ok
Because everything is not ok
Nothing is ok

Do you understand that?
Do you see it?
Or do you think I'm actually ok?

Today I went rock climbing
Not like up the face of a mountain
But climbing over boulders
and over rock formations

It brought back memories of childhood
Racing from place to place
Pretending they were castles
Allocating different grooves as rooms
And lines as passageways

I tried to pretend again
Pretend I was running away from a dragon
Or running towards my love
But I couldn't do it anymore
I couldn't imagine separate castles
   and rooms
   and hallways

I couldn't see it
All I could see were rocks
Rocks that I know were once castles in the sky
That housed dragons
   and witches
   and princes

When did I grow up?
When did I lose my imagination?
We all say we will never grow up
But how many of us can imagine a boulder as a palace?

How many of us can still play with only dreams?

Life
Long
So nervous

Terrified

Want to cry
But I don't cry

Heart pounding
Beat
Beat beat
Beat

Sharp, rip, tear
Serrated knife
In
Slowly out
Inch by slow inch

He's here
She's here
She doesn't understand
He does
What the hell am I doing here?!
Putting myself through this sick
perverted
soap opera

I don't know if I like him
I am so incredibly scare that I'm going to hate him

So unintentional
But I already feel myself connecting

And preparing

Preparing to pull away once again

I see the lights in the distance of the ocean
                                                       All I can think is if I can reach them
                                                                  maybe I'll be at peace
                                                   But that would also mean I would drown
                                                         Fully clothed and scared of water
                                                                  I would never make it
                                                           But would that be a bad thing?
                                                                  To die reaching peace?
I think that would be good
The black inkiness of the water
The solitude taking me away from
   a problem I have always faced
To die with the quiet peace of reaching
I do not think that that would be awful
                                                                   It doesn't look that far
                                                                 But I know logically it is
                                                            Everything in life looks like that
                                                       I stand at the verge of the great abyss
                                                               Just as I do with everything
                                                                              With life
                                                                             With love
                                                                        With everything
And yet I walked away
Is that a sign?
Will I give up for the fear of death or failure?
Will I give up yet again?
Will I quite because I fear being lost and alone?
All I am is afraid
All I have are dreams
Yet I fear the unknown, the chance of death,
the possibility of failing
                                                              I can't walking into the water
                                                        Just as I can never follow my dreams
                                                                    This life is impossible
                                                               Of course I can never go far
                                                          I dream but that is all it will ever be

Dear whoever,

I choose to walk in the deepest darkest recesses of the night. Just as the midnight hour passes. I wander campus alone, lost and confused, letting my feet take me on the same path it does every night. A path where most people would never venture. I head towards the darkest alleyways, the most deserted parking lots, the places where people can be hurt, have been hurt, and will be hurt.

I am searching for that evil that once hurt me. I want to see it again, confront it. I want it to devour the little bit it spit out the last time it descended upon me. What little it has left within me is not worthy of living. This creature of the night that prowls on those who do not notice has taken my self dignity, my beauty, my innocence. Has profited on my naivety that all is good in the world.

My mind is ****** up. I am *****, beyond *****, I am polluted. Polluted with filth and grime and bits of someone who thrives on being the powerful over the powerless. My soul is unclean and forever tainted. maybe one day this will just be a back file of my memories, but it will always be there. Haunting my days and terrifying my nights.

So on these midnight escapades, I offer myself, wholeheartedly to the beast that stole me. I offer my body, my mind, my sanity, my soul. Either I am taken away, to forever dwell in the fires of Hell, or I fight and survive and know that I can protect myself once again. I need to find out. That is why I am offering myself. I need to know my blood still runs through my body with life. Some people wish they were dead, I just wish I felt alive once more.

Most sincerely,
Me

To love and love again,
with the eyes watching,
staring

Childhood secrets and imaginary pleasures
criticized for naivety by those
who have displaced the memories of a
long forgotten past

Who's insecurities double by the cynical
jealousy built up after
innocence has been torn to shreds

Seductive and approachable
this tree,
this swing
We all believe,
as children,
in that tire swings indestructibility

But
as it ages
and the rope withers from the weight
and frays like a spiders gossamer web
we witness the growth of a sad time

One slow piece at a time unravel
from lie after lie

Love lost several times

Everything holding the rope together
realizing that the end end is near

The tire snaps off and lays
in rest
among the dead and dying foliage
Abandoned,
years pass
and that old tire becomes caked
in dust and mud and
forgotten times

But
that rope still hangs there
swaying with the shifting moments of life
Waiting
waiting to be useful once again

There is only one use left for a lone rope
hanging from an old
and lonely
tree

A rope that offered hope and freedom
can do that one last time
A gift that can once again
release us from the pain
and the suffering
this world throws at us

That old tire swing rope
looped
circled
knotted
is now pure freedom

Standing on that old ***** tire
reaching
for that newly formed circle
Fit it
tighten it
release
and jump
Freedom
once again
because of that old tire swing noose

Oh sleep
That which most desire
As blissful peace
Whereas I look upon it with complete loathing

Oh the things that creep upon your sleep
The most terrifying of times
The irrevocable consolidation of your darkest desires
   and deepest fears

Where past ghosts and future demons
Lurk in the shadows
Ready to devour
Every hope
Every dream
As you slumber

Unaware of the pretense that this is all but make believe
All is but a dream
From the deepest recesses of your mind

I never wish to slumber
To sleep,
   but never dream
For in those dreams
We can never forget
The damages and harm
Forced upon our person
By trusted souls
Who still roam
Who still roam
Freer than we will ever be

Who the hell do you think you are?
How dare you judge me.
You don't know me
You don't understand my story
Make me angry, I dare you
See who I am when I do not pretend to be happy
Stop telling me what to do or who to be
Do you think I'm stupid?
I'm some imbecile who doesn't understand what I am doing to myself?

I'm dying slowly
From the inside out
I am choosing to die rather than letting someone else
   make that decision
   for me
Those last minutes subtracted from my life
Those seconds I permanetely erase from my time as I inhale
   each puff of smoke into my lungs
None of that matters
Who says I will live long enough to feel the regret of those lost moments?

So who the **** do you think you are?
Don't tell me how I am killing myself
Stop telling me that this is bad, or unhealthy, or disgusting
Quit explaining to me that I am taking my own life away
I know that I am doing that

Instead
   Ask me why
   Ask me why I am doing all of this
   Then save me
   Please save me