I remember those pretty marbles
Cousin Ted gave me to keep
Off to Europe ... he went to travel...
Agreed.. thought I ‘d  do him good deed...

Counted each one just before I went to bed
Counted them again everytime I was out of bed
These precious marbles would remind me of Ted
He was gone... missed him...thought I’d rather be dead...

Ten colorful marbles in my pocket
In the left pocket of my pink purple polkadot skirt
Lost my balance I fell into a pool of dirt...
I went blind my glasses was covered with dirt
Ruined my shirt...  dirtied my newest skirt...
I’ve lost my marbles... Oh ****!
...... that was even hurt...

For years I’ve had marbles tucked in my mouth,

Different colored weights that pulled on my glands, on secret saliva.

For years I’ve had marbles in my mouth and I forgot to spit them out or hide them away so I let them become permanent placements in my always-cavities; soon they even slipped so easy into my bloodstream.

The black ones made me say yes too often.

The reds made me want to bleed.

The blues made me cry, obviously. They stood guard on my tear ducts, deciding when and how to show emotion. They didn’t let me cry that night. They didn’t let me cry for months. Now I am crying almost everyday, and I am shooting those blue marbles straight to the moon; I’ve had it with avoiding emotion every day of my life.

The yellows made me want to forgive you, made me want to **** on sunshine, made me want to clamber into your mother’s arms, let her know that it wasn’t your fault. The yellows are *******.

The cat eyes have me avoiding eyes with every man on the street, so sure they will spit out words that they expect me to lap up like milk with an easy grin, tail twitching for attention. The cat eyes have me distrustful, have me always knowing it could happen again.

The rainbows loosened my tongue, had me admit secret sexualities, let me march in parades and kiss girls, had me falling over myself tripping into love.

I’m not sure who this poem is for anymore, or what it’s even about. The doctors say I have the cleanest bloodwork they’ve seen in a while, I don’t ask them about the marbles. They refer to some of them as disordered.

I’m not sure if they’re marbles anymore, I think they’re just me,

and I’m sorry I’m getting off-track, the marble in my hand right now is glitter and sparkle and confusion and I’m trying so hard to stay put.

Give me the orange ones, the fire, ones that looks like Mars

or Jupiter.

Give me two moons, or maybe sixty-six.

Give me a giant ladder.

This is about running away.

This is about playing with your marbles

and learning everything about them

and staying put.

"MARBLES...PYJAMAS AND JAM!"

wake up at 3 of the clock
eat jam in my pyjamas from the jar
play marbles with an imaginary friend

he wins...again
this the grown up world
of a four year old

acting like a grown up
time mine to play with

*

And then there was the childhood declension of sandwiches.

1. "Raw bread" Just as it was bread on bread....squashed flat and not...even air in between. I love bread me.

2. Bread and butter...your basic staple sandwich.

3. Bread and butter and sugar...now yer talking.

4. Bread and butter and banana...sprinkled with sugar.

5. And yer king of all sandwiches . the "Blood Sandwich!"
Bread, butter and Tomato Ketchup.

These were the sandwiches of my life. The kind even a child could make in the middle of the night when he wasn't supposed to be up and eating sandwiches.

"Marbles...pyjamas and jam!" I chanted to myself to announce the new me I have become.

I remember getting out of bed in my striped pyjamas and  going downstairs and eating the jam out with a spoon( forget the bread) and then having a game of marbles by myself...first taking one shot and then moving over and becoming my invisible opponent and taking his shot. My imaginary friend winning all the time.

This was at 3 in the morning and felt very scary and daring and so grown up because I was deciding what time and what to do for myself even if it was 3 O' ****** clock in the morning.

I had envied grown ups and their not having to go to bed by nine and be able to stay up and be themselves. I could hear them laughing downstairs...having I supposed....the time of their lives.

So now I sang myself into my four year old adulthood with "Marbles...pyjamas...and jam!"

Because that's the kind of kid I am.

Now the wind wails through the ruins of the house howling that "Home is...an absence." My new mantra.  And outside the house (that isn't there no more)( invisible to everyone but me) I would have ghost girls jump to a skipping rope chanting my "Marbles...pyjamas and jam!" as a rhyme. Skipping in time.

"And this one's OUT!" they all shout and scatter away like little marbles being hit by a sacred scared twa.

I would be very upset
if something ever happened
to my Bukowski collection.
I have 7 or 8 of his books now,
and one year into getting them.
He is not a cheap man.
I hope to one day,
have read all of his work
that was given the chance to
be published.

After all,
he is the reason most of us
realized that what we write
and how we write,
really is poetry.