You’re starving to be happy
but you’re not letting yourself
even come to the table.

It’s no one job to keep you happy.
That’s all on you
and right now, you’re not doing it.

You might be tired and exhausted,
but you have to find that little energy
and kick it on up.

But I think what happened was you got
used to being taken care of.
Someone made you happy.

You settled for that.
That's not bad but look
at you now.

You’re looking everywhere,
holding onto little instances
that rarely happen.

Remember that one time,
you did that one thing,
and you were happy,
for that one second?

Are you looking for a second
or a lifetime.

She writes in third person when she's hurt.

If she doesn't use "I" it never happened.

Although she hurts, it could never truly happen to her.

I am not heartbroken.
I'm broken.
You see, you'd need a heart to have it be broken.
But the naive immature person that I am,
I flung it around like it were a dancing ribbon
And whatever it touched, I fell in love with it.

But the thing is,
I wasn't always like this.
I loved---foolishly
I got obsessed
Got attached
Got denied
I was denied the love I should of had.
Because I never felt wanted
I never felt
I felt
Unwanted.

My dad died when I was 11
But he was dead long before
Because he taught me the crucial thing about love--
You don't need love to have a family.

You don't need to have love.
You don't need to love
You don't need love
You don't love.
Don't love

The messy thing about love
Is you see it everywhere
Our world revolves around it
And maybe that's what's eating me inside.

I'm obsessing over love
I'm attached to love
I'm denied love.

I want someone to just hold my hand because they want to.
I want someone to kiss my eyes because they only want me to see the beauty in this world.
I want someone to laugh when I fall but gracefully pick me up and wipe me off.

I want someone.

I want.

I want to feel love.
I want to love.
I want love.
I love
Love.

Because without love--- I'm just a fool with a pen in my hand trying to find comfort in what I don't have.

I want to tell you a story
That not many know
It explains why I write
It explains how I grow.

My life was turned upside down when I lost my dad.
I lost my best friend
I lost a piece of me
I lost that when he died.

I find myself looking for him
As I stare at the mirror
I pull down my eye and I smile real wide
But I keep forgetting what he looks like.

The only time I find him
Is the only time I write
He's like my secret muse
He holds my hand as I write.

I write to show my emotions
You have to read between the lines
You have to listen to what I'm really saying
You have to close your eyes.

I relate every feeling to him
The sharp pain I had in my heart
The nights I screamed and I cried
Just to have him back
Bu just as fast as I let out the yell
My emotions became my own living hell
Because I didn't write them down
To see how I really felt.

So I write down my feelings
And I rhyme them just right
Or I write little stories of the wanderer in the night
Because I wander then I hide
And I take out a pen and cry

So you ask me why I write
and I smile because I know why

I write to stay alive.

I have a right to say goodbye
Because I have a right to still survive
Because I'm not done saying goodbye
Until I've made him immortal in my eyes.

If I could
I could change it all.
Won't let you fall.
Won't let you fall.

I'd start it again
Won't make the same mistakes,
Can you be my friend?
Can you be my friend?

I'll be stronger
Stronger I'll be
If I know that you're mine,
Please don't leave me.
Don't leave me.

Come with me,
I don't want to feel like I'm missing something
And you know how that feels.
Don't leave me in the cold
In the dark with no hope.
You know what it's like to never have
That chill go away.
I want to be warm
Covered in your arms.
To feel like a little kid
That believes no storm
Will rain on her parade.
You won't ever be sad.
Trust me you won't leave me
Because my feelings for you are
The strongest they'll be,
Tell me I'm yours and
Forever I'll be.

As a kid
I didn't know what love was
But I knew what it wasn't.
It wasn't those late night fights
Of screaming and hollering
Or those door slamming
Or by the way he yelled he's done.

As a kid,
I didn't know what love looked like.
Love must have looked like late night parties
Of parents partying like they're teenagers
Drinking to forget their memories,
Their scars,
Their kids.

As a kid,
I didn't know love felt like.
It could have been a hit or a slap
Or the way he wrapped those cigarette stained
Fingers around my neck.
Or it could have been the tears rushing down
My face because for that moment
Something touched my skin so gently
My tears were my own way of saying
You're Okay.

I mistake kindness for bribery
I mistake a smile for a snake
But if I look hard enough
I'm sure I know what love is.

Love is asking how your day went
Holding your hand as you cross the road
Because he knows how distracted you get
When you start talking.
Love is calling cause they miss you
Hugging you when you're quiet.

I don't know a lot about love, but I know what it's not.
*fictional poem

At some point in your life
You realize you didn't have
The best intentions
In the situation
And caused these useless tensions.
Where you could have lived without
But instead you lived with it.
Tried to justify your actions
Instead took your own little
Guilt trip.
So own up to what you did
And know that you did wrong
It's best to learn cause
In the end it'll make you strong.
And if it doesn't
And you get torn up
Then I guess it's Time that your life had a close up.
We live on change
We change everyday
So if you don't learn what you did
Then you'll always be stuck in yesterday, hoping for a new day but getting stuck in your old ways.

There must have been a light
That I could only see
That when I looked out the window
I knew what I could be.
But Not everyone could see it
So no one could believe
How bright this light was shining
And how it was for me.
I believed I had the strength
And the patience to follow through
But the second I got discourage
I decided it'll never do.
Because nobody believed me.
So why should I believe
That star was really shining
And still it shines for me.
But if nobody believed
Then what is it I see
Something everybody saw
And easily deceived.
Sometimes I catch myself,
Looking out to see
If that light is shining
I guess it's still for me.
Even though it flickers
And it's dimming down
I will keep on looking
Hoping I'll come around.

Just let me talk to you
Like the old times before
Before everything
Before you became a stranger.

I want to tell you
That I miss you
That I wish I could see you
Or that I wish I could feel you.

Your face has a blur
Because its been so long
Your voice is my own
Because I have to improvise your tone.

And sometimes I wish
You could tell me what to do
And what I should do
What could I do
What do I do.

Nothing but a block of cement
I still listen for a voice
Hoping the marble will carve me
An answer
That proves I'm not crazy
That you did at once
Exist.

Others are frightened by it,
The thought of nonexistence.
You cease to exist
You're done.
That's it  

But it's different for me.
The cease to exist
Isn't what scares me
But the thought of your body laying there
Dead.
Cold.
The idea that family members think they can shake you awake.
The peek a boo moment they long for
That you were just playing.
It was all a joke.

The horrible moment when it's unexpected
You were ok the day before
But now lays your body.
Dead.
Cold.
No one saw it coming.
And you're not the only one who thinks this.
The foretelling moments leading up
That will forever be questioned
With what if scenarios
Why didn't I see this
Or go see you then.
Why did I let you go
Why didn't I come.

The death we get over.
The moments leading up to it
Is
What
Rots
Our
Soul.

I know what it's like
To wake up in the middle
Of the night
Holding your own hand
So you don't feel alone
You hold it tight.

To walk alone
Through this life
Talking to your self
All night
Trying to fall asleep
ALRIGHT!
You want to close your eyes
But your head keeps talking
Useless information
Clench your eyes
Trying to block it

Nothing seems to work
Cause you're just trying
To fight it
You don't want to give in
Because you just want to
Make right
And if
You did
And you won
And you got to sleep tonight
And if you woke up
Not crying
Then maybe you can deal
And this life is just right
Cause you defeated
Yourself thinking
But that was just one night
And
You have the rest of your life
To fight and keep fighting
You live in your memories
Present is the past
Pick up your right foot
You're not gonna settle
For dead last.

Feeling like I'm out of control
Like a truck racing down
A slippery course
With its brakes lost
And theres no hope in stopping
Who's going to stop me now?

Who will stop me now?

I feel like a bullet
Shot from a gun
Piercings everyones hearts
Upset with what I've done
And how I've done wrong
How will I erase this now?

How?

I feel like, Im running on empty
Like my gas light is blinking
I feel like I am going crazy
Because I'm stuck always walking back
But I know it's only temporary
I'm just really trying to adapt.

Adapt.

I'm tumbling out of control
Like a gymnast bending into a fold
Sky diving into the floor
My parachute won't open
At least for me anymore.

No more.

I've used people
To get what I want
But now I'm lonely at the top
And yelled at
The people I love
Because money was my happiness
But money isn't love.

Money isn't love.

I must admit
This feelings kind of funny
The way you break up the clouds
Like it was always sunny.

I can't stop thinking
If we were together
I could make you happy
No matter what the weather.

I can see us holding hands
Smiling at one another
Never leaving behind
What we look forward.

But what is a dream
To mere reality?
Is it just a tease or is its actual
Practicality ?

Practically we should be together
Reality thinks not.
Our eyes match each day
Our hearts are threading knots.

I'm ready if you are
Just tell me when to go
I'll listen to every story
I'm ready for us to glow.

I'm glad that I found you.
Didn't know what I found,
Till I was missing you.

I swore when I cried
I wouldn't fall anymore
Wouldn't wound my pride
Would quit all my try
Because I knew that I'd break
And give up the fight.

I played The game
According to the rules
Or maybe was it cause I thought it was a game
Because my prize was you.

You broke down my wall
Didn't catch when I fall
Because you still played
That stupid little game
Are you happy after-all?

There was many sleepless nights
Where I cried because
I thought it was my fault.
But what I didn't know
Was that I didn't show
I was really hurt.

We were together
Seemed like forever
Because I trusted you
Funny a month
Can feel like a life
Because I took down my guard
Cause I felt so "alive".

You broke down my wall
Didn't catch when I fall
Because you still played
That stupid little game
Are you happy after-all?

Do you remember
Said we be together
And couldn't see us apart
Was that just a lie
To pull down that fly
And have it all?

You thought I was willing
Thought I was thinking
I'd give it to you
But what I gave to you
Was one little thing
It was a stupid little fling
You had my heart.

You broke down my wall
Didn't catch when I fall
Because you still played
That stupid little game
Are you happy after-all?

Now that you're gone
I wrote this little song
So you can hear
What my heart is trying to say
What it's trying to play
"get me out of here".

Lately you've been holding me down like a chain.
Linked to your emotions
And enduring your endless pain.

I put you at number one
And I was still at number three
Hoping for the day
That you'd upgrade me.

False happiness
And settling for the least
You made me give myself to you
Without receiving anything.

I claimed you were my best friend
The one to stand by my side
I introduced you to my family
Cause I thought you'd be there when I cried.

I'm quite tired
And exhausted
Of this on again off again
Be my friend
Cause I don't want to pretend.

One day you'll look at yourself and sigh.
Asking yourself how you became this lonely guy.
How your dreams were so close that you could taste it
But now they're far behind its unlikely you'll chase it.

Where did you become side tracked
Of when you changed your goal.
Got distracted for a minute
You're at a dead end road.
When will you pick it up
And are you strong enough
Give up on your dream that
You thought wasn't tough.

She looked at her self and
Said why oh why
As she breast fed her kid
Who always cried and cried.

How she thought it was cool to
Run around town
Getting picked up by boys
Claiming she's seen them around.

But she never did
as she lied to herself
Each boy she thought was right
But she was only 12.

What does she know of love
Was nothing but lust.
Empty promises and lies
She never kept her head up.

Now her dreams of going to college
Is shattered by a boy
Who told he'd love her
But he only treated her like a toy.

Dreams are like butterflies
That dance in the air
Floating around
To get you to see them
But to also beware.

You got to take care of them
And stay on your course
Don't worry what you should have done
Just think about the force
The force to push your forward
Just go willingly
You'll regret it tomorrow
If you go sparingly.

I can finally say this
I can clearly state this
That you left us high and dry
Shivering naked.

Our youth was robbed
And our lives were changed
The day you decided to
Shove us away.

You were like here I'm done
I don't want this anymore
You should have read the fine print
You just wanted this divorce.

You washed your hands clean
And you were fine with leaving us
All we got were some letters
But you ran us over with a bus.

The lies that you told
And the secrets you hid
We were your own children
We never felt like yours kids.
You made her priority
When you left us for her
Don't you remember our birthdays
Cause it didn't feel like you cared.

It's hard to talk bout you
And the mistakes that you've done
Because its all we have of you
Can't erase
None.

We hold on to what we have
Like dust in the wind
And It comes and go
But we won't know when it ends.

Sometimes we cry cause we miss you
Or we smile cause it happened
Its hard to forget all the bad things
When all you have to hold onto
Are faint memories.

I had a dream bout my dad
I can't remember it now
I know it was good
A dream about my dad
Isn't good isn't bad.

You see I don't remember his voice
I don't remember it at all
So when we talk in my dream
It's like we aint talking at all.

His mouth doesn't move
And his legs don't walk
He walks with me
But he doesn't talk

But With a glance at the eye
I know what he's saying
And I know he said some words
But I can't remember it, nothing

I remember the lights in his eyes
As he looked upon me
Like he was proud
But he didn't say a word to me.

As we drove around the town
He motioned he needed gas
As we did a turn I said
Town changed since you been here
He glanced and said it has.

But as we did the turn
I looked in  his eyes
I said daddy
Can you please hold my hand.
For one last time
He looked like he was
And I'm sure he was about to
But as soon as I blinked
We were in a different dream

The thing was it wasn't a dream
I didn't dream this no
It was a memory.
It was the last time we held hands
I was just a little girl
If i had known it was our last
I would have asked for one more
But  I grabbed his hand
And He held it tight
No matter how old I get
That will always make me cry

i was back in a dream
And He wasn't there
But someone asked where he was
I Looked at the ground and said everywhere.

I came to a conclusion
One that's mighty bright
I decided he's not dead
He's like the holy light.

He's everywhere to me
He is  in  my blood
I'm the air that he breathed
I carry his torch from above

He's the relaxing breath
I breathe
The grooves in my hand
He made them you see
What he made for me
I live everyday for him
Maybe one day in his voice
He'll say he's proud of me

I don't miss you
The way most people miss things.

It's not like I can get in my car and drive to you.

I can't say "draw me a map that leads me back to you"
Because honestly Dierks Bentley is right "I don't know where to go or what I'm suppose to do".

I want to see you, not your headstone.

I want to hold your hand.

But the closest I'll get to holding your hand
Is holding my own.

As I cry on my pillow
Wishing I wasn't alone.

Lousy days
Most days
Some days
It gets old. 

Ugly lies. 
Assumption ties
Your immaturity 
Into a bow. 

Two face 
Your face
Reminds me of a quarter. 
Head down tails up
You're nothing but a distorter. 

Some days
Most days
I can put up
With your face
But lately
Most days 
It's just a sad disgrace. 

Grow up
Show up
Teach your kid how to lie
Teach your kid how to hide
That second face they'll grow
To despise.  

But walk around
Like you know
How everything 
Suppose to be. 

Keep your head high
And keep your maturity low
Because those who can see 
Through your insecurities 
Knows just how far
Your fall will go.