You are no black widow, you are far worse.
No remorse nor will to better your ways.
You bruise and contort, cast off and coerce
Until another, unshaped, gives their praise.
I am torn more by your guile, not regret.
To lie through teeth much sharper than what's there,
Is riddling and insulting, just bet
I won't be here when your guilt's made aware.
You shrink my worth with my name in your voice,
To be unmoved by poor, swayed lives that prove.
Alone, you roam and give in to poor choice,
And desert the ones who swore were unmoved.
I've never seen one's mind so strongly strung,
And one's paltering heart so wrongly flung.

I am irrevocably drawn to everything that you are. It worries me deeply, yet it coats every thought in a generous hue, a potential promise of something beautiful. Every word I add alarms my paranoia, that I am too much and should not feel the way I do. That each word is further pushing me away from you. How little I relate to sanity when words raise a dramatic voice over everything I choose to let out. I am not in love, but I cannot say I have ever felt this way about anyone before. And I will keep this and all of whatever more I have to say, solely to myself, in an attempt to keep any future from falling into ruins.

The song I sing today brings new praise,
the source is none other than she whose speak
brightens the hours of all my days,
these feelings here are the ones I seek.
I've spoken words as joyous as these,
yet a key difference must be known:
Before, end in sight brought out my pleas,
now, I'm sure old age will see it grow.
She truly makes me happy in all,
words and kiss conjure a wall of white
that lasts through my wake as they enthrall
and carries on in sweet dreams at night.
But struggle is an old friend of mine
who nears his show despite these good times.
Granted, as said before, my days shine,
and this, her third entry of my rhymes.
As time aligns against both our hearts,
we know the need to smile, not tear.
To help are my words and other arts
that I employ everyday she's here.
Since much care towards each other is true,
I ask the heavens and all above,
as I adore all we have been through,
if this feeling that we share sprouts love.

And now I know that heaven's answer
can be no different from my own.
How just one way describes me and her
shows without a doubt the love we've sown..

You've conjured new rhymes to stir,
to break my hold of weeks dry,
from our shared time we infer
warmed hearts from this strengthened tie.
Presence stretched through talk and thought,
as far as your resting head,
yet so close in what dreams brought
through sleep in each spacious bed.
Each day since has ripened life
with conversations in sync.
'Try to cure each other's strife,
care to make each worry shrink.
Despite our laughs I still turn
In despair at secrecy,
Unable to share our yearn
In fear of some penalty.
I admit my words lack stress
In hopes of drawing your smile
But at equal time I press
In my torn mind all the while.
Yet if anything, this shows
how eager I am to see
where, over how soon, this goes,
just how much you mean to me.

If I were to choose a sole point in time,
to prove initial words of so called truth
were nothing more than wasted hope and rhyme,
I'd have more than enough thanks to your youth.
It strains the mind to even ask what was,
when you eagerly spread yourself so thin.
I know what your infatuation does,
It only powers you to crave slit skin.
You seek distractions and indulge in tease,
turning your head to who excites you most.
Time passes slower than in what you please
and despite all your words, lack truth to boast.
You are the reason interest is waste,
to give in to selfishness and bear haste.

I pictured deep brown eyes as mine close,
A daring action given my place. 
Yet these four weeks do new-found bliss pose
To make a most strong, compelling case. 
Words have soon proven what we both share,
It's difficult to see how much years
Have delayed this altering affair,
That our chance has stemmed from both our tears. 
The sole thought of your joy by my word 
is enough to render equal cheer. 
To know each line is eagerly heard
Only excites me for when you're near.
 Yet I must confess something of note...
Still-wet lines of anticipation 
Prompted by feelings that will no doubt coat
have now preceded my own action. 
Your first rhymes were justified today,
Upon your sight muscles became tense
But quickly eased to peace by your way,
A hope firmly rooted by our sense. 
The hours have mocked us most unfair,
Yet stars aligned are still stars aligned. 
My soul wishes for no harm nor tear,
It's just dwelling in this joyous find.

My happiness is only in distractions.
It's when I'm alone
that I realize the full extent of what that means.
Another's smile makes my own spring in unexpectedness,
pleasantly surprised that it wasn't practiced.

I should be on Broadway,
with how consistently I play this role.
Of someone who gets by, whose only worry
is when to sleep and wake to work.

But this isn't me at all.
I close my nights with eyes that see a life unfold
a span of sorrow in disappointing my world.
Family that will cry at what I've failed to do
in the name of doing what I'm afraid I'll fail to live.

I'm so scared to leave this world
with nothing more than the dates I stayed.
The thought of having nothing to offer
mocks me into deserting instead of believing.
I wish for the strength to go beyond my own doubts,
the force to believe with every bit of flesh
that I can give my soul to the world.

It creeps in through every hour, this ache.
It's all I have to know that I can feel.
Sometimes the cold's enough for me to wake
and all this time I question if it's real.
To spend hours sitting without moving,
thinking of a thousand thoughts to distract
but each effort falls short in improving
a positive way for me to react.
Each day I yearn for words to raise me through,
for it all to just have been in my mind.
And with each wish I realize what's true:
Even at the best of times, life's unkind.
Smiles and exchanges are just for show,
to ensure that there's nothing wrong at all.
But it's hard to hide how much shadows grow
and confide in, with each unwanted fall.
Frost has rooted where joy once had full reign,
it keeps me from finding care in actions
that push me further still from tasks to gain
and places efforts in dull distractions.

In an attempt to draw out the scenes
I find myself unable to think
of a worthy vessel for true means,
of how to make sense of this new ink.
My dreams shine clear through infrequent sleep,
each action and wish mere thoughts away.
Yet open eyes draw dark doubts that creep
and reign through all hours of my day.
I wish for profound sounds to carry
each person to pure rapture and bliss,
but more weights strengthen on top of me,
and render brief happiness amiss.
My sole desire rests in others,
to move the way notes in me vibrate,
through my own loud message that covers
all ways to make feelings resonate.
Now I curse how long my tongue's been dry,
unable to assert its substance.
I never throw words that haunt in lie,
which reasons my constant reluctance.
Someday my lines will be more than lines,
but emotions that reverberate.
My inner self that tries and defines
all my actions as more than just fate.

September 4th, 2011

Tears fall freely, crashing down the slopes of my cheeks,
across my chin, meeting the warm floor.

And then they disappear.

For the first time in years solace prompted my tears,
a joy unfelt in its profundity.

I feel so moved.

The sheer simplicity of its occurrence only multiplies its greatness.

No longer do I feel fear and uncertainty clawing at my mind,
confiding in my aches and pains.

I feel as complete as the day I was born.
No worries or obsessions to drive my thoughts,
only the present feeling.

I don't even fear knowing that this will not be as strong tomorrow,
or present at all.
I'm just content that I experienced it to the extent I did.

In despair I yearned for greatness and nothingness.
Now I yearn for the ability to provide my purpose.

I look inside to find that sometimes,
the simplest things provide the greatest effects.

Tonight I will sleep soundly,
knowing my soul has been nourished so healthily.

Distractions are only existent when thoughts bring them into focus.
My lens is as clear as the depth of my tears.
No filters. No distortions.

Just existence in its simplicity.

No matter what you choose, there's something known,
that keeps you thinking at night's brightened end,
in thoughts and words and actions you have shown,
that proves no more meaning in the word friend.
It simply does not describe it enough,
the way we've carried on these past two years.
I know our methods are nearest to rough,
but there's something deeper than what appears...
Conversations came and went like the days
in between the distractions we both had,
yet every reunion stemmed from your ways,
and the distance between has made you sad.
I am and will still be your memory.
I am and will still be attached to you.
I am with you when you're all but weary.
I am with you more now than ever too.
Why are you so afraid to leave behind
the very one that drove you to bear tears,
when consistency graces your fogged mind,
and assures that he can melt from your fears.
At the end of the day I can't shake you,
which proves your effect on my mind as well.
Just know my words are sincerely true,
let new ways try where words can't seem to sell.

What you see is a mirror. It is filled by your perceptions.
What you see is not a window.
My mirror is filled with conflictions.
To yearn for greatness and nothingness. To seek substance in solitude.
I wish to be and for my mirror to reflect it all.
But my mirror does not shine.
Nor does it show greatness, substance.
Your mirrors suggest it all, glimmer radiantly.
My mirror is not your mirror.
Any one of them.
My mirror doesn't show the flicker of my dreams.
In reality, there is no greatness, substance.
Only existence in its rawest form.

Fear shrouds reality.
My reality.
What my mirror shows is the current day.
Group of hours by group of hours.
The miniscule amount of light does not reveal the future.
Nor could it; for the future is never in sight.
Even in thoughts of it, the future is not truly existent.
Fear shrouds it's reality.
Uncertainty beckons fear.
Yet...
I find comfort in conversation.
When everything else blurs out of focus.
When my existence is more than just existing.
Connecting, sharing, meaning.
But it doesn't last.

I envy sleep's constant serenity.
I do not envy sleep's inconsistency.
My dreams rarely align with my attempts,
and even then they do so with great difficulty.
My dreams are much higher than my reach.
I am not what your mirror shows.
I am not what I have dreamed.
I only am the years I existed.
And that haunts me.

My heart has learned to break cold's shield
and eagerly throbs in its frost
to tell her of my care it yields,
unknowing that its beats are lost.
Her eyes shine in another's now
and any thought of me is gone.
She knows my wants and of my vow,
all that she has smiled upon.
To make her happy at all times
my lips cared to offer words known,
to make her my muse for these rhymes,
yet she confides in the unknown.
My devotion is bittersweet,
to think comfort would fill her heart
numbs me; the truth: it's obsolete;
It makes these words no longer art.
Further sadness knowing I'll wait
despite all these times cast away.
Till then I'll write these words I hate,
cursing love; it brings me decay.

Lying awake in silent tears
each morning, drained of all my might.
To not want to the rest of my years,
to curse I made it through the night.
An overwhelming emptiness
hollows my trust in those who love.
Confide in his uncaring bliss,
unkowing of the eyes above.
He watches with His sincere glance,
provides me with loved ones most near
who are devoted to the chance
of bringing me out of my fear.
Time recalls to re-open scars;
no healing seems to come my way,
it aligns with those who do harm,
at least it seems from these sad days.
But it's not true; time can heal me,
and help those who have prayed each fall.
With their efforts please make me see,
someday accept life's loving call..

I told myself a new entry would break
the wall between where I am and can be,
yet reason's gone and what is left to take
is none other than the beat that drives me.
Two years since our last flame quickly burned out
and here we are: with the same laughs and gaze,
that captured our wants but drove our own doubt,
which strengthened the air to blow out the blaze.
I know I can be the one to restore
your faith in trust, truth and undying love.
By distancing yourself from times before
we can share something to us undreamt of.
No other words spoken can be more true
than what I  have shared each and every day
I spent in bliss and utter joy with you,
which in turn made you too feel the same way.
Don't say you can look past all your smiles
without knowing I've moved and touched your heart.
My honesty in all shapes and styles
should be enough for amity to start.

No parting is complete without this,
a final address to my past muse.
After all the time we spent in bliss,
you sought the end with hard words to bruise.
To think I would never write these lines;
We said old age would see our care grow.
Is only second to frost my spine:
my loving acts which others won't know.
Your gaze offered no more truth than lies
you conceived to hide what we once had,
more than enough to bring this demise,
only worsened by your heart unsad.
You left me with no remorse, just hate,
the words you spoke revealed that clearly.
The trouble endured not worth the wait,
The promises you made so dearly.
Of summer plans, hand in hand, eyes locked,
all no truer than your care for me.
To think of all the times cruelly mocked
by your excuses to make me flee.
You hid our love from all ears and eyes,
we shared an act of such care, as one.
Yet nothing's known from continued lies
as I end my thoughts: with you, I'm done.

Yet dreams tease me with scenes I wished for,
despite anger I still care for you...
my first true love, love unfelt before,
which prompted these four lines to construe.

Life has become something more with you.
All day the sole, constant thought in mind,
Understandingly, is care renewed;
Rainy days gone and the stars aligned.
Every second with you is perfect,
Never wanting to leave, say goodbye.
Being with you brings this great effect,
Racing my heart and tearing my eye.
Under each night you will cross my dreams;
Daylight passing finds my mind there too,
Effort is easy, my smile beams,
Raising my heightened feelings for you.

Silence, the sound of thoughts profound
echoes stillness throughout the air.
To not know where my mind is bound
is uneasiness I can't bear.
Compression of a thousand thoughts
reverberate, but cannot sound
outside of mind, in peace not sought,
but in feelings feared, I have found.

Silence, the sound of thoughts profound
does not echo inside today.
It is not present to astound
myself in complicated ways.
The absence of these thousand thoughts
marks healing of a thousand deaths.
The inflictor knows these wounds brought,
yet I welcome how old times left..

Nearly two years inked in ages
see a return to my pen's ways,
engraved in meaning past pages
of methods to sing or pass days.
In sadness I see major truth,
of misery and how it reigned
in hours that had stolen youth,
replaced intent and on it, rained.
I do not mean to wrench pity,
nor claim my ways worse than others.
I seek to reflect my city
destructing by my past lovers.
Pure intent surfaced all action
for every heart I vowed to sway.
Each attempt prompted reaction,
that ended in love burned away.
I sit here with a chance to change
role of my altruistic heart,
and appropriately arrange
my vowels unbroken from the start.
But what good would come to transform
the very ways I take pride in?
To know sunshine precedes each storm
and prompted love reveals no sin.

As you spend this day playing your heart
I thought I'd do the same in writing.
And what better place for me to start,
than of you, a theme so inviting.
Your sincere words from the other night
moved me to a joy unfelt in days,
and that goodnight prompted you to write
the word of action after our gaze.
Our talk after was one of old times,
when we cursed the time between each kiss.
I had wished for more entries to rhyme,
as those hours are what I most miss.
And to know you longed for those times too
rendered the usual action from me,
the same bright smile from seeing you,
under the same feeling of pure glee.
But with this joy comes more thoughts of mine,
two in mind I would like to address.
Whatever the answers, you'll still shine,
more elegantly worded, fluoresce.
But the time for these words are not now,
I had only wanted you to know:
With the words comprised of your sweet vow,
I give this - thanks through a kiss I blow.

I know that only a month has passed
since your lips have met mine with such care,
but each soft kiss seems to only last
those few seconds, and that's hard to bear.
You are the girl who has changed my days
from wishing to having, so quickly.
Your smile that I've given such praise
is the definition of beauty.
Your eyes, the mirrors of my smile,
are the purest brown I've ever seen.
You catch me gazing, all the while
I think of how much to me, you mean.
No feeling on earth can match the one
we get when we're alone together.
Your radiance rivals just the sun,
and like the sun, will last forever.
I know at times it's hard to sit there
working, while others have less to do.
You know as well as I it's not fair,
but you also know it's worth it too.
I patiently await the day when
You're here to softly kiss, gently hold,
and forget about how long it's been,
as our bodies touch, no longer cold.

Her clothes look so unnatural now,
the want to rip them off takes over...
To think of all the things she'd allow,
my days have become all about her.
I wait for the day that we're alone,
that fiery spark to catch her eye.
To hear my name amidst her moan,
in bed as one, as our bodies lie.
Will she jump on me or I on her?
She says she's a wild one in bed...
It's hard to keep my mind off that lure,
this want's a craving that must be fed.
To feel her smooth skin from head to toe
first with fingers, before my soft kiss,
with most time spent on parts we both know,
I'll give her the time she wants in bliss.
Clothes long tossed onto the bedroom floor,
giggles turn into shouts of pleasure.
After all the fun she'll beg for more,
while I'm so thrilled to find this treasure.
She's now asleep, my arms her cover,
As I find what makes me smile so:
her sweet words, as first I'm a lover.
How close we'll always be, we both know.

The new sun comes by the hour,
but it's rays show me no mercy,
no rest; the eternal shower
above my head all but takes me.
It drives one to shadows so cold,
so dark, sleep is the only out.
My heart dealt, but you called the fold,
my eyes tell stories as they shout.
This familiar place is home,
sadness is always there for me.
The only constant as I roam,
from heart to heart, in search of glee.
Pleasures of the flesh, first intent,
but I learned to crave something more.
All our plans arose from the scent,
as we returned to thought before,
the place we were, where months ago,
delectation first joined our wants.
Instead, found what's cast by the bow,
but turned away; of me it haunts.

My mind tosses more than my sheets at night,
from the bittersweet results of my day.
Thoughts race across in speeds due to slight fright,
I wish this horrid deterrent away.
I've patiently awaited those sweet words
to escape your lips before they met mine.
This ink and these lines are truths never slurred,
my offerings in truth to see you shine.
You have spoken of your feelings for me,
but your past has made it hard to move on.
It keeps you from being able to see
I would make you happy from dusk till dawn.
Please be the one to put me out of place,
forever turned away to fade alone.
I'm always above their hesitant pace,
to stray from the familiar love known.
He hurt you constant times before, this one,
who holds you now like you hold memories
of blissful times with him, now that's done;
not truely yours, he holds you with his tease.
You won't ever regret giving me a chance,
my honest words echo my thoughtful deeds.
Get me out of this misery I dance,
for me, don't take his words in which he leads.

In vain is this attempt to set things right,
As I learned by your actions, unfairly.
The same day you destroyed, as this I write,
Like all the others, so cold you've left me.

Oh how I envy you, dear soul,
Your place is more peaceful than mine.
Through hard times you still remain whole,
And the aftermath sees you fine.
Too tired of these constant breaks,
that leave me splintered, crushed to dust.
Unforgiving, these too real aches,
when my loyalty brings me rust.
I die a thousand deaths through time,
while you see one death, at our end.
Others' hands hold my fate in my prime,
Our own for you, no pain to mend.

Dear heart, how I envy your place,
to have such attention from all.
To be seen, and able to trace,
To stay in body at our fall.
Your existence is known and strong,
how through pains you piece back as one,
to know love and inspire song!
I haven't felt since we begun...
To give myself is to decay,
when you can do so on a whim.
To know you beat at every day,
even when our times seem too dim.

A grand chance to share what I know
from the reasons that I smile
I hoped my truthful words would show
the grace and heart of my style.
Nice guys finish last but I hoped
to rise above and prove this wrong.
But this just showed how well you coped,
that you weren't nearly as strong.
Blinded by warped love gone astray,
you gave in to his practiced pleas,
tossed your feelings for me away,
and confided in how he cleaves.
If he were truthful in his words
he wouldn't have hurt you so much
since the first split span you backwards,
and sealed your cries without a touch.
You'll forget my pain soon enough,
until he pushes you again.
and then you will see just how tough
it is for you to guide my pen.
When you come back I'll have no choice
but to dismiss you no colder
than you did me when you rejoiced
his flame for you that smolders.

But as love's blind, it blinds as well;
you followed your heart like I do.
You'll emerge from that broken shell,
And for that I will forgive you.

I entrust my patched heart to you,
from what you've shown I know it's fine.
I only take what's deemed as true,
your eyes gleam when you look in mine.
I asked myself if it could be,
to see another in the stars.
******* cast me out to sea,
but you began to heal those scars.
Your past pain mirrors mine so well,
you trust me even more than he.
And I won't be afraid to tell
I'm better then he'll ever be.
Someday soon starts a new way on
paved with our smiles and laughter.
Hesitation is all but gone,
Our happily ever after.
(Psyche).

Tonight, by your words, you killed me.
Words I hoped to hear in our past,
but you brought them to life in three.
The hours burned too long to last.
My first death since your betrayal
and the healing of my slow heart.
Not since then have I felt so frail,
overshadowed by time apart.
I moved on, but I had to hear
those two words from your lips tonight.
"I'm sorry"... I'm sorry my dear.
The words that hurt yet felt so right.
Not since the day I wanted death
have I teared as much from your voice.
The day I wished for no more breath
to utter words that can't rejoice.
Tonight I revealed all the scars
that had formed from that perfect day.
Memories encased from afar
that made you and me pain this way.

The ants march on my brain all day,
knowing only to walk as time
continues to bear down its weight.
The number of feet seems sublime.
It's too cold for them in my head,
so they turn up the heat with ease.
In time it feels my brain is dead,
throbbing pain before the release.
A drug-induced sleep gives me rest
from the ants' journey on my mind.
I can breathe. Coughs try but can't test
patience as clarity, I find.
This sickness carries memory,
of morbid times, of deathly pain.
Though far from feeling so empty,
it nonetheless brings out the rain.
This heaviness is not constant,
but it hurts in a different way.
I'll look forward to graceful tint
that makes me forget those sad days.

Say that life isn't a straight pace,
but rather a climb to the top.
And I'll laugh with a pain in face.
I'm done with the trip, let me stop.
Cause I've been falling down down down
since the start of this dreadful climb.
Gasping for breath, before I drown
in the sea below, almost time.
Those watery breaths take no more
than how I struggle upon land.
Soon my body will wash on shore,
for I see no help here, no hand.
But if one comes to offer light,
Then I know I can try to fight.

While hearing these beautiful sounds,
I find myself thinking deeply.
Can I recreate love I found,
in another's bright eyes to see?
My everlasting devotion
will never burn like it did then,
as intense as a vast ocean.
Will the Lord kindly reveal when?
Was I not meant to sway girls' hearts
with the kindest words in pure truth?
Reproduced in these kind of arts,
words that nourish, comfort, and soothe?
To entrust my heart in one's hands,
palms not icy-cold like before,
dropped and abused in deepest sands,
strong, I find this want, all the more.
Will one step forward to ensure,
my heart can beat for two the same?
For if she can I will love her,
a smile brought and heart inflamed.

Choke on the venom in your throat,
that burned away my care for you.
I toss away your words I wrote
that colored in a gracious hue.
All this time I stood by your side,
and defended you from bad words
that others quickly have supplied,
and replaced with great songs of birds.
So foolish in my thoughts of bliss,
that paved way for your mass abuse.
Nights I prayed for you to see this;
Instead you gave words that ******.
Another has received my sight,
one who will help me forget you.
when her image closes my night,
you're gone; with all the pain you drew.
In time I hope what drills your skull,
is how you lost me in this way.
Friendship found and revived, now dull,
brought about with want to betray..

Nevermind my previous word,
your screen is far too thick to break.
Your vision is too blind and blurred,
truths I believed were always fake.
I bled with you while at your worst,
I gave my light for you to own,
But never could I quench your thirst,
your cries just louder than your moan.
I GAVE MY EVERYTHING TO YOU.
And you took it all with a smile.
You're one so undeserving, too,
played effortlessly by your guile.
You are the center of it all,
selfish wants brought about with tears.
Impatienly await your fall,
I'll see the rise of all your fears.
Your pleas for attention will fade,
Your confused ways shone by the stitch.
Lips sharper than your razor blade,
apologies come with no pitch..

YOUR screen has more thickness than mine,
it has a different task for you.
It lets you think your words are fine,
and actions are justified true.
Your screen shows your color, your soul,
all the thoughts, desires, and lies,
that you construct and tell so cold,
as you leave my blood for the flies.
But you know just as well as I,
that the glass before you can break.
The only thing to do is try,
as all your loved ones are at stake.
I don't blame you when you destroy,
I've seen the one that took my love.
'Give my strength for you to employ,
just conquer this and rise above.
Don't turn to ones most far away;
the past should remind of your pain.
Trust in those you see ev'ryday,
don't live your gifted life in vain..

This screen around me grays my day,
only her smile could pierce it.
This act for me has gone away,
only this thick screen will not quit.
Her absence made me realize
the glass before me, all this time.
In vain have been my constant tries
'escape entrapment from this crime.
I only ask for swift release,
but I know I can continue
through the cold, numbness and the bees,
and break this screen none can come through.
The colors given are dulled down,
it's hard to give thanks for their light.
But they don't see how much I drown,
I'm empty as I pray each night.
God above and devil below
tug at me with their influence.
There's only one thing that I know:
I won't live my life in silence.