some say, if you pay very close attention.. life doesn't actually ****. I mean look at the weather, some days we see this beautiful flaming ball in the sky that makes us warm. or heck somedays freaking water just magically falls from the sky and if you listen and look closely it's beautiful. now for people, some can me cold hearted, rude, and judgy but that's only 10% of us, the rest of the humans are amazing and kind, innocent, imaginative, interesting and just ******* cool. as for education, you may hate it now, but once you get to college and get an actually job it's amazing. and that cute apt you've been wishing for in nyc, if you dream it you can do it. just keep learning and moving forward. now cars are the coolest ******* things ever, you get into a piece of metal and go anywhere. anywhere you want, hell u could even drive to Oregon right now if you really wanted to. memories, coolest thing ever. basically something that happened in the past that you can remember. and anything can trigger a memory. like a song, smell, place, person. a memory is the coolest thing ever because it's something you'll never forget. like your trip to six flags, your dad taking you out of ice cream when you got a good grade, Christmas Day every single year, visiting your grandmother, freaking summer memories are the best. even the little things are amazing, like good friends, earning money, eating your fav food, being fabulous, getting to *** after you've held it in for 5 hrs, disneyland, traveling, airplanes, roadtrips, taking showers, sleeping, laughing, dancing, swimming, reading, and even smiling. so the next time you say your life *****, just look at the positive things and I promise you, you will be happy again.

have u ever been so In love with someone that u find any excuse to touch them?
their hair or arm or hand
because you couldn't bare the thought of it all being in your head..

it was bad
really bad
because it brought everything back
all the emotions
I thought I was clean
kissing you messed me up again
why do I make such a big deal of this
I just want to be over you

I'm stuck in a constant cycle
you said were done
I stopped
everything stopped
I stopped thinking about you and everything about you
what you were thinking or what your were doing
now that we kissed again it all came back
I'm stuck

night time is when it gets bad
when I was with you I never felt alone
even when I wasn't physically with you
now that we're no more I feel like I'm not allowed to think those things anymore

2. I haven't cried yet
I don't know why
and I mean hard.. I've felt the deep sadness but not enough to make me crawl under the covers and cry for hours

3. periodically I think about the last 3 months
how I have evolved as a person
or I've I haven't even evolved at all
it makes me sick to my stomach sometimes.. thinking of what I did with you

4. you said the word "we"
but I knew we weren't we anymore
but why did you not use the word we when we were actually together?

5. I feel so small now
so frail
I never thought how different we were until now
you have probably hooked up with random girls many times before
and I've never even seen past the fabric
I think that really explains why we broke up

6. I keep trying to erase you from my life
but I'm always reminded
in the shower
on the bus
listening to music
looking at myself in the mirror and wondering what you thought of me

7. I was ready, I know I was
I think that's why I took it so easily
because it had been in the back of my mind for so long but I procrastinated the subject because I never knew what you wanted
because on april 12, 2015 at 11:41am I put on my bullet proof vest
I was ready for the words to stab my ribs like I rehearsed in my head

8. I always knew you were going to be the one that did it
the one to say the words we all avoid
the words that no one wants to hear when they're in love
but I don't think I was in love
I thought I could be
but I was never that deep
because I knew in the back of my mind that this was always wrong

9. where was I for 3 months
after we said our final good byes I drifted safely back to earth
and everything was different
people looked different
I noticed things that weren't there before
and people noticed too
the asked why I looked so happy
was being with you making me depressed?

10. I never did anything while we were together
I never watched tv
or did my homework
or talk to anyone
my mind was always on you
and I hated everyone else
I was so annoyed all the time
why did you make me like this?

11. but I'm glad it's over
I'm not numb anymore
craving everything I couldn't have
your lips
hands or smile
I don't miss it
sometimes I do
but I try to forget
because the only way to move on is to
forgive and forget

so thank you for setting me free

you know it's pain when you can feel it
when every bone in your ****** body feels like it's been aching for 30 years
but john green was right
that's the thing about pain
it's demands to be felt

there is a gaping hole in my heart for the place you used to be
but I'll just plant some flowers in it and get over you

I was prepared but not for how it would feel
I was prepared for the sound of the trigger but never how long I would bleed for
you knew what you were doing the whole time
but why did you just tell me now

I had my head in the clouds for 3 months
now that's it's over
I've come back
i was gone for so long and now everything is a mess
well better start cleaning up

every time you kiss me
you leave a mark on my neck
reminding me of everything
you leave a horrible taste
but it's the taste I crave
but you leave with me wanting more
when you push me away
why are you like this

I think about you so much my brain hurts
I don't know why
sometimes I wish I did
just let me sleep

the yellow house sits on top of the hill
each time I pass it, no matter what kind of vehicle I'm in
I look over and stare
and I think if your home
or where ever you are
wither your out riding your bike or at work
I look and think of you

each time I see you i feel a shock of electricity through my spine
uncontrollable smiling
butterfly's darting around my stomach
will this end?

10 months
each day I think about what life will be like then
will my parents shun me
will then tell me I'm making a stupid mistake
maybe I am
but at least I'm making a stupid mistake with you

you haven't done it in awhile
but
hey you made me smile
made me smile so much I had to cover my face so no one would ask
I wish you knew
how much I cared about this
I'm just too afraid to tell you
maybe I won't be someday

i miss you
but I'm the only one that says it
you say I miss you too
but why don't you ever tell me you miss me
you just miss me too
like it's too much to miss me first

call me so I know
so I know that you think about me as much as I think about you
so I know that I'm not the only one in this
that you're there too
holding my hand
telling me "where in this together"

I hate the smell of cigarettes
till I met you
I hate being shirtless
till I met you
I hate my thoughts
till I met you

respect me they say
why I ask
I've earned it they yell
who decides that I mumble

you're hands are bigger than mine
I intertwine my fingers in yours
you smell of scotch
burning my heart

their voices make my ears bleed
why can't i escape these four walls
it's late the house is dark they're asleep
but I still feel your voices vibrate these four walls

I'm only 18
I don't know **** about life
you're 22
you know **** about life
that's why for you I was a chapter
but for me you were a book

right person, wrong time
you know it, I know it
we both say "**** it"

I'm craving your hands
dancing fingers across my bare hips
I'm craving your lips
sending sparks from my mouth all the way to my toes
but you hate feet
and sometimes I think
that's why you won't call