easily, i feel alone

become one with pain,
and you'll live like me.
or don't,
and you'll die like me.

I am in my own little world.



Are you trying to be in it, too?

the emptiness in
missing someone
is a wound deeper
within the heart than
the soul could
ever go

somehow i'm still a ******* loner

Love and depression are such similar existences. Both are something more powerful, too powerful, to fit under a list of just emotions or feelings.
Both are equally dangerous, and both are the most misunderstood.

But love is a little funnier.
Love can bring us together but as much as it may do so, it's better at splitting us apart.

See there are two types of people in this world; those who crave to feel love, but never will, and those who cannot un-feel love, and wish they were among the others because emptiness and loneliness may be just a little better than worthlessness.
But in the middle of these two chaotically different, demon-filled hells... is balance.
It's where only a few people are blessed with someone who loves them just as much as they do.
And these people live totally different lives than those of us in limbo.

I'm among those in that limbo-state. That state where you already feel dead, where the loneliness makes you feel like you're in some unknown dimension scientists won't discover for the next one hundred years.
Some people break free from this place, some remain floating like a weightless piece of plastic in the ocean, going wherever the waves take them, but never seeing anything more than vastness- always being reminded of how lost they are in the middle of nowhere.

And others... drown.
They die twice; once to join into limbo, join into the ocean.
And the second time they fall deep beneath the waves. And below this surface exists the loudest silence, the most brutal currents, the deadliest scavengers- all among those who won't wait until you've died to pick and tear at your bones.

If only you knew how it felt-
That the few inches between us in the bed
are not something you wish to bridge.
You let them grow inside of themselves, instead,
Without lifting a finger to reach me,
Or turning a cheek to look at me.

It has been three months since I've disappeared
and you have not called me.
You have not thought of me.
I am a bleached memory that has begun to look
better washed out,
Like I was ***** before
When it was sore,
Like you were always on the edges of things.

If only you knew how it felt-
To see my eyes and not think of anything.
To not feel anything.
To be free from everything that encapsulates me.
Like I was ***** before
When it was sore,
Like the eyes didn't show anything more.

If only you knew how it felt-

Knowing that you don't love me anymore.

not seeing your face or hearing your voice is the worst kind of alone

gazing up at the stars he
peered the question;
"what is love?"

I thought for a few seconds,
something that could not
be answered by a thought
for a few seconds.
Clearing my throat to buy
more time, I recalled every
moment, second, minute of
love have ever been felt for
a person by me.

Indeed- I answered, said to
him that love was "the bare
nakedness of accepting and
beholding the flaws of a person."

As I recalled deeper I realized
I had never been part
of a love like that. In fact the
love I had described was
the love I wished I had
been in, but no, never have
I experienced such unique,
loving, love-filled love.

What is love?

In another life I will answer
that question in less than a few
seconds, gaze up at the sky
same as he, immerse in the
uncertainty and inconsistency
of the universe, and admit to
myself that the lie-filled reality
I have been living is nothing
in relation with love, for
I know not what love is.

it hurts to think
i hurt with words

since words are the
only thing i have

When you stand balancing over me,
I do not see him.
I do not feel him,
Miss him, I—

I remember all of them.
Every boy I have ever given my body up to,
Whether it was only at the sight of the crevice that pillows my words,
Or the entirety of my existence.
I let them have it.

Let them crawl atop the tethered grass that’s been ripped out of its place
And make a bed.
Let them make a bed even though it does not comfort me.
Even though that isn’t even where I sleep.
I let them dream,
Let them dream until they tell me that is exactly what it feels like—
Like a dream because it all must be a movie,
Because every movement is so translucent,
So unsurprising and superficial.

So expected and too perfect,
Too familiar because I’ve seen it so many times over,
When you stand balancing over me,
I do not see him.
I do not feel him,
Miss him, I—

I remember all of them.
Every boy I have ever given my body up to,
Whether it was only at the sight of the crevice that pillows my words,
Or the entirety of my existence.
I let them have it.

When you stand over me I feel powerless.

Powerless because I am not in control of my mind, because my thoughts are not mindful of everything I’ve been through.
They try to forget but they cannot erase what has happened to me,
Cannot erase the red and blue that surrounds my eyes because I rub too hard,
I think too hard,
Because it isn’t that I don’t want you to,
It is that I don’t want to be the one to give it to you,
And suddenly I remember all of them.
Every boy I have ever given my body up to,
Whether it was only at the sight of the crevice that pillows my words,
Or the entirety of my existence.
I let them have it—

The resolution of an empty bed that I refuse to lay in when it’s warm,
And even if it’s mine,
My resolution is that for you I have nothing more than empty promises.

I promise you can fill my space when it gets cold.

I thank the world for the moments
Where your soul is at peace because it has broken
into all of its pieces.
At times I feel there is a God
That lets me stand still in my 9.5 tornado of a life.
The wreckage keeps me together,
Keeps me from falling to the floor onto
More glass shards and wood pieces from a path I carved myself.
The windowpane holds my head in place
While time and time again I watch the Earth continue to be ruined.
My mirrors are all broken,
And I am not complaining.
It is that moment of sad relief,
The hour where you have stopped crying
And there is no feeling inside your fingertips.
The sweet nothing is a grand lifestyle,
Forgivable for a time with no noise,
Or life.
To lay down in a bed and yet float with the wind.
I do not stop myself from feeling nothing.
When the winds calm down and time moves backwards,
The hour runs quick
And I am reminded there really is a God
Because the pain replenishes itself.
And the shards pierce through me,
back to my untouched windowpane.
And I am on the floor,
On my knees
With spit hanging out from my mouth
And a beaten brain,
In the place where I stay crying before.

each night

in my bed

i call for the space to shrink up

and it never

does

I never needed any pillars
Didn’t want them-
Wanted to give myself the feeling
No one else could

I wanted to be enough for myself
And I was
Then I wasn’t-
Embedded in the idea
That amazingness like him could love me

I let him in my chamber
Let him feel around my pillows
Let him warm me in the warmest parts of me
And lost myself in ignoring
That maybe my bed is not big enough

Maybe my brain isn’t quick enough
I realize too late,
And then my heart is not filled enough
Now my body is not sure enough

About my placement in a city
That used to make the world larger for me
Then the lights shine like his bedroom’s
And I think I really must be Calypso
Because the men are always leaving

I fell through the floor one night
Because I questioned if he’d need me
And then I let it, so the ground swallowed me
And I let it keep making me bleed

I bleed in constellations
And poetry,
Like he does
I bleed in love

I bleed in longing and goodnight’s
And feeling like I’m missing something
I bleed in wishing I could see him
In this moment
Instead of sleeping the same as I did

When he was one thousand miles away
I bleed
I bleed
I bleed
But this heart will not stop beating

Maybe it doesn’t get enough
And the mind inside of it won’t think too much
I keep asking myself when the time will be
Where I have bled enough

Maybe it doesn’t get enough
And the mind inside of it won’t think enough
I keep asking myself when the time will be
Where I now bleed too much

But my pillars have grown curls as patterns
My hypnotic energy is wrapped in jeans
Dark eyes show more than oceans that hug this island
I have sailed myself to
Where he is gravity

He pulls me down but keeps me from drowning
I am floating, on water
Like ghosts do above attic floorboards
But I am bleeding like I’m living

I bleed in constellations
And poetry,
Like he does
I bleed in love
This heart will not stop beating

Maybe it doesn’t get enough
And the mind inside of it won’t think too much
I keep asking myself when the time will be
Where I have bled enough

Maybe it doesn’t get enough
And the mind inside of it won’t think enough
I keep asking myself when the time will be
Where I now bleed too much

But I’m living in a world surrounded by galaxies
Where down is up,
And grip is too loose to stay
And black holes keep on pulling

And he is gravity.

Daddy,
Can you tell I notice your hands are empty when you go to grasp Mommy's face?
Do you watch me see your eyes look passed her shoulder and never at her,
Like all of what is there are only left overs,
A broken soul erased after each night that you come home late because of "traffic"
Do you see her shrinking until she's bone and broken, broken bones
A skeleton in the dungeon of marriage
Faded into nothing but the silhouette of a woman
Do you see her?
Is she not pretty anymore, Daddy? Is she not pretty?
Does her face seem to droop when she walks into our living room?
Are you too busy watching television to know her nails are so short they bleed?
That last night she didn't eat,
Her stomach says she's feeling sick but by now it's been a week
Are you worried at all?
I've watched my mother shrink because a man thought he was too man to love her
Not man enough to love her forever
Now I am engaged to the reality that some women are fated to be thrown away or kept under the covers
My mom is a woman
My mom is a woman who has been pried open by her husband
Left to damage and to renew her vows to her own self destruction
I've watched my mother die inside because of a man who lies
I should have known as a 24 year old Marine you must have had a love for war
Then you brought it back with you and put it into your relationship, into your job, and into our home
Now 25 years have fallen and Mommy can't think straight anymore
Now I see her shrinking until she's bone and broken, broken bones
A skeleton in the dungeon of marriage
Faded into nothing but the silhouette of a woman
Her shadows on the walls are getting smaller
And her voice a lot quieter except for when you're fighting
And I ask you if she's leaving
You want to tell me
"Mommy does nothing wrong,
But Mommy is not enough for me and I’ll forget you remembered I said this when I tell you that I hope one day you’ll grow up to be like her,
I hope one day your brain will shrink so you think you need to settle for a man who will never give
I hope every inch of your being is ingrained and bestowed in his name
Then you'll realize the reason that I still come home and the reason that I pray are the same,
It isn’t because I know I did wrong,
It’s because I know I’ll always be forgiven
That’s why I tell you to always look out for Jesus because Jesus has always looked out for me,
When I felt her hair and body brushed up beside me,
Saw different colored skin on the bed sheets and forgot my own family"
Tell me why you did it, Daddy
Tell me why my mom is one of those women who will never feel worthy
Tell me why because she loved, now she's hurting
Tell me why when I meet a man who wants me I ask him which parts he would pick out of me,
Sew into another skin that may feel more meant to be,
May be more soft, maybe
Smooth instead of my roughness is way more pretty
Mommy told me better sewn, because at least then there's still pieces of me where he was stitching
But I'd rather be wrong for you, because my father taught me I can be a wife and you will still choose otherwise
Tell me why I am not right for you
Tell me why I am not enough for you
Tell me why my mother and I have shrunk until we're bone and broken, broken bones
Skeletons in the dungeon locked by the men who swore they loved us
Pried open by them after they promised they wouldn't hurt us
Faded into nothing but the silhouettes of women.
Do you see us?

i'm not sure which is worse:
feeling alone or feeling lonely.
or not knowing the difference between the two
when i have been both.

people don't notice me.
and i think it may just be because i
live in a different world.
maybe because i live inside my head.
which may just be my biggest mistake,
it is a living hell
inside of this place.
and i am constantly hearing knocks
and the sounds of people telling me
to move on.
how you don't need me.
how i am not a first choice.
how i am invisible.

and i am.

but i have moved on from that.
now the question is if anyone new
will notice me.
and we can agree you do not need anyone to
complete you.
but let's be honest:
it's a lot easier to let your tears out when
someone is there to let you pour them
into their ocean.

who knew if you listened hard enough
your loneliness would become so loud
too loud
you wouldn't be able to unhear it.

and i use the music to
drown out the sound.
but when i stop listening
i notice i've been keeping it in the whole time.

and now i know what's worst of all.

being so alone
being so lonely
that you no longer recognize your own voice
because many times it's done its
evil manipulation
of
turning you against yourself.
and you have become
your own worst enemy.

and no sounds of war
could compare to those
that go on in my head.

when i look at shattered marriages i think,

-

what will it be like for me?

At the end of the night
Know I love you,

Even if us two aren't right.

still, my best chance is through
words without sound
but the silence can hurt
when my thoughts are so loud

freedom of speech until you tear off the Hijab of a Muslim woman
walking down the street
and leave her beaten in the blood from your knuckles
exclaiming how much you hate terrorists

freedom of speech until you pour gasoline all over the floor of
an LGBTQ center and set it to flames
because you say that is not love's way

freedom of speech until you're a police officer who beats a handcuffed man
to death while he is laying on the pavement you took him down on
with five other officers by your side
because you think your safety was more at risk
and his skin color only proves it

freedom of speech until you **** a woman you had already detained
and fake her mugshot to save your department
because "the crime rate is rising" on this side of town

freedom of speech until you light up a church
because you still believe you're superior
and want to show it

freedom of speech until you walk around in a white cloak
pretending to be so pure
yelling that anyone outside of your shade is a social parasite
although your color did not always touch the grass of this nation
until you stole it

freedom of speech until speech becomes hate
and hate becomes crime
and there's killing
and killing
and killing

freedom of "speech"
and this entire world will go blind

I know all of the pain in the world
I hold it in my hand like gold bullet casings
They melt into my skin like metal rings
Wrapped around my finger bones until I feel the chill
Until nothing else feels real

There are bruises above my knuckles
Where they sit beneath the layers
Black and blue flavored markings
Look like dirt ingrained in skin
Skinless I can be if that is what you’ll savor

If it’s savory, tastes sweet and sugary
Black and blue are just my own two personal flavors
Creations I’ve made from digging nails into backs
Of barrels filled with black moods
And dirt underneath my fingernails

For one night, I can forget them for her
Let the soul inside me breathe clean air
As if I am not bonded to pain in pleasure
Pleasure for them and pain for myself
Like saved plates only ever filled with leftovers

And I have tasted none of them
Tasted none but one but I have more than one ring
And more than one bruise
Because I feel more than one type of pain
Losing is an incision sewed by miscommunication

Implanted in a thought process that has become
So ****** from listening
I listen to you list your wounds from my rings
That become brass knuckles when I touch you
That become how I loved you

And soon your fingers begin to feel broken, too
And snap when they feel me
Last touch against cracked glass
Shattered pieces sing against me
And there is no sound when I scream

Soon I won’t be able to hear you sing anymore
I won’t laugh at the jokes I should
I’ll feel like the dirt underneath your fingernails
The grime I ground against you
Shot at you and beneath you

And hopefully you will hold pain in your hand, too
Hold it in your hand like gold bullet casings
They melt into your skin like metal rings
Wrapped around your finger bones until you feel the chill
Until nothing else feels real

Vowed to be savory,
Black and blue flavored markings taste sweet and sugary
Skinless we can be if that helps to feel the chill
Until nothing else feels real
And together we are bound by the pain I made us feel

amongst true lovers only
do we find the perfect fitting

only with hand-carved hearts
and woven words into the deepest
layers of skin
can we truly say we are in love

when our palms hugged for the first time
i felt your lifeline

every mark upon the ridges of your fingers,
symbolic of every mountain of life i've been
meaning to climb

your crescents, similar to those i suppose
that are on the moon
bring back the feeling of simplicity that
existed as i was a child, hopping in and out of
street puddles in the rain

the desire to explore

your hands are apart of this very earth
as we all come from stardust

i study your prints
knowing you have picked up the deepest
agendas of my own mind
as you were once one who held my
dying heart

and with those very same hands
you rebuilt my walls
and softened my outer shell

with those very hands
you caressed my heart
and shaped it to rest just upon
your fingertips

...

with those hands
did you rip and tear
the threads i needed to keep together

with those eyes
you watched parts and pieces of me
crumble in avalanches
and become frozen in the cold

you chuckled as i choked on disbelief
that you would let me sink so deep
to drown in darkness

the need to escape

as my hands clench the pebbles from
the bottom of the sea
and question if i must have been
made from the fallen dust of a
dead star

i study my prints
knowing you have engraved your
toxicity into my deepest grooves

as you finally let go

setting our memories free to blow away
with the wind
and my tears drip like melting raindrops

and i am finally one with the earth.

I thought I’d give her a chance
Let the night draw me in like a stencil
Forget him in purple light in a smoke trench

I thought I’d give it a chance
One night to live like him;
Among alcohol and blazed paper rolls

I gazed helplessly at the lighters
Entranced in hoping one of them would drop theirs
And light the floor on fire

I imagined that the fire would follow the alcohol worm spilt on the floor
Wiggling its way to my feet
And then I felt sick— and wished I didn’t eat

I wished I was skinless bone in that light
Or could be blown away like smoke
I wished I was the redness around their eyes

I wished I could disappear in the nighttime
That I brewed quietly like their breath
I wished I was the liquor in the bottle and the keg

Once I arrived it didn’t feel right
The men eyed me like prey
I said I’d give it a chance so I stayed

I made a witching hour out of dance music
With drugs and alcohol as my ritual
And I let dolls dance around me like voodoo

I let myself go for a moment in between
And gazed helplessly at my feet
And hoped her wood floors would open up and eat me

I imagined a hole in the ground the size of me
I imagined a ghost in the mirror who looked just like me
I imagined him drinking

Then she fell down the stairs
And they stared, her face gleaming in the light
Her smile made her an intoxicated angel

She looked like peace,
Lying on the floor
Hardly moving and spaced from it all

I looked at her and imagined if she were dead
Reminiscing over how closed her eyes were
And I was jealous of her

It was ****** the way they took pictures of her
Like she were nothing more than a sad, drunk mural
And I imagined I were dying in a room full of people

I imagined I were Hannah
And that I were the floor
And that I never wanted to be anything more

That I would let my body exist on its own
With no soul, and let mine dance along
In between fence wire

Then the police were there and I saw it
I saw me in the back of the car
In handcuffs, or covered in blood, or gone so far

I imagined them shooting me in the back
I imagined everything went black
And the basement were empty

I imagined I were the only one in the room
Like I was the only one in agony
And that the sirens would lead me to the balcony

she wanted to die.
like you,
except, only once
at a time where you loved her
but didn't know it yet.

she - brown eyes,
perfect smile (at least you think so),
dimples, white teeth, obnoxious laugh.
you - tripping fingers, shaky hands,
full lungs, tapping feet,
brown eyes.

the two of you, dull.
unnoticed, like the warning labels
on your bottle of painkillers
and her prozac.

the warmth, absent and missing
like the liquor someone must
have taken from the refrigerator.

you thought, it's useless
to live for nothing except pain and
numbness and numbness
and numbness.

she thought, it's useless
to live for nothing.

the two of you, wanting to die
trying to die
but didn't. couldn't,
like that one time you wouldn't
get out of bed.

and now, together.
both smiling, laughing fully
but not complete.

the warmth, there but
not burning.
about just enough to keep a
fire going.

though she swears she feels
the heat,
you are still gaining back
your fingertips
from the numbness.
numbness.

numbness.

you thought, it's useless
to die if she is here.
and now, living.

the missing, gone
like the old medicine you flushed
instead of taking.

and your brown eyes, still dull.
hers, too.
except louder, now, and shinier.
demanding, like the heavy parts of the earth.

together, and complete.

she wanted to die.
and you wanted to die, too.
and "never again"
she says, "because you're never
leaving me,
and i'm never leaving you."

on earth
i am bound by
traditions and opinions

in secret
i am bound by
everything else

i used to think i'd be here forever;
in a city that looks different every day,
in a house where i have my room to stay

i used to think i'd find my place here,
give the world around me meaning,
let my life unravel itself like ribbon

i think it's foolish of me to believe in anything
when all times i find how i'm broken,
how the lives around me keep on going

i feel left behind in this empty orbit
where the constellations won't show me home
or how to escape the woods

i think i shouldn't leave them,
i should stay here and leave myself to be wrapped-
choked by tree leaves and branches

i think it's best to let them cut through my skin like butter,
let them grab me and pull me closer
since no one else will do that ever

i think it's best to leave me to die alone
and let my body decay like dead palms
and let me be one with the earth again

i came from stars so i should make myself the ground
so someone has something to walk on
and i should flatten myself and all

i should make myself mean nothing
it doesn't last when i mean everything,
i used to feel so safe in my bed

i used to speak to him late at night there,
he used to see my face and hear,
my voice can't even be remembered that well

i think i try to fill his space with someone else
and i'm not even with anyone
i try to pretend i'll have someone

i think i've given him every reason to stop it
and i don't know exactly where his heart is,
it's long passed me and my absence

his absence feels like an elephant
and i can't stop myself from noticing it
sometimes i think i should stop my eyes from opening

sometimes i want to just quit loving him,
let this addiction be different from others,
it's hard because i cannot see the damage

sometimes i want to just quit loving him,
but wishing it’d end has never really been how
i think there's nothing left to do now

I am not an Amazement

People do not look at me and find gold

I am a blank canvas and Empty

And there are no stars inside because everything

Exists outside of me

I’m Mad because I do not like how I caught your eye

You thought I was Beautiful

But now your eyes have faded so they can’t see this far

And so my Beauty goes unnoticed and my scars are red

I’m a Scared, pessimistic girl

With no headspace for dreams

A lot of life doesn’t exist in my world

And it feels like the trees are blocking me

Like the curtains are drawn to keep you from seeing inside of me

Like the artists don’t want to paint me anymore

Like I am stuck staring at the mirror in my bedroom that used to give me nightmares

Like in my dreams I keep asking people who have died

If they would come back to life

And every time they tell me No, I don’t deserve that anymore

No, I don’t deserve that anymore

I like to think I don’t deserve the bad things anymore

Like I am a sculpture that’s been glued to the ground

Where I cannot stop people from staring

What if I don’t want to be seen?

What if I want to be read

What if I want to be felt

For the things you can’t touch?

But they keep carving me down to a figure

They keep painting over the parts where I used to bleed

I wish I were home
That way I could be alone
In my bed fit for one
And no bigger, rather
Just as I left it
It is only for me

I wish I were home
So I could not think about my mom
And how she doesn’t know
Her daughter is dying

I wish I were home
And I wouldn’t hear my roommate’s clothes slide off
From man hands that will never in this life
Reach to me

He is across the room in the bed next to me
And the four, 12-inch tiles between are a universe
And he does not see me
He does not know I am listening
And I hear what he’s doing and I’m crying—
Because I know, now
She is something I will never be

This is something I’ll never have
Just me and my bed
So much bigger than my one at home
How long do I sit here pretending I’m sleeping?

How long do I stay as the lives around me are collapsing?
How long do I keep trying?

Do I dare tell him, now
In this dark he cannot see me
That the sound of your tongue on her body
Makes me want to scream
Makes me want to throw myself up at the ceiling
Makes me want to leave

In my own room
In my own bed
It is only for me

And, God, I wish I were home
And I wish I were an angel
And I wish I were Calypso
And I wish he loved me,
So I wouldn’t have to lay here so quietly

But it’s never hit me harder than tonight,
That I am the dark tunnel
That drowns out the light

The people here don’t know who I am
They don’t know what I’ve been,
What I’ve done
They don’t know I can remember every single one

One of the times I felt dark
Had to do with feeling like I’m sinking and dying
And this is now
The worst night of my life
And I’m crying

This darkness is ruining me
It is grabbing me and subduing me
And I am going out like they do in movies
And the song is the sound of
Him ******* my roommate

And I wish, God, I wish
I wish I were home
That way I could be alone
In my bed fit for one
What a love story it is
******* the left gets fingered
And ******* the right writes a poem

And she will be alone for the record
She’s got them beat and she knows it
And the sleep medicine only has her more awake for the moment

And I hope you ******* liked it
I hope you had to grip the sheets so tightly
And I hope you had screamed so I could have pretended it was me
And I hope he’s gone by the time I wake up
So I don’t have to remember it
And I hope you’re gone
And I’m gone
And I know that soon I will be
Because this life is as unexciting and unfulfilling as can be

And I know, love, I’m stunning

I hear the fireworks break right next to me
And I don’t need you to think—
Because you’re not the one who will die from drowning
And you’re not the one who will feel so lonely
Who will feel like her favorite poet
Who suffocated herself with gas from an oven

And I can feel the heat
And it’s burning,
I can tell
In pain you see angels and I go through hell

But it’s never hit me harder than tonight,
And I’m sinking
And it’s dark again
I’m hearing singing and I know I’m going—
And good God, this life

This life is only for me

how many people
can you ruin
in a lifetime?

there is this certain
feeling of burning
in being hated
for what you see

or what you can't see

because of ways that your mind
does and does not work

this feeling of
disgust
and evil
and your hands
now seem too slender
bony

you are
a part of something scary
and dead
you can pick apart
your face
and skin

every
beauty mark
as you go along your body
it now all seems
ugly
and bumpy
imperfection
is housed in your figure

and now
all i can see
is *****, stained skin
the farthest thing
from perfect

but

you already saw all of this
in me, didn't you?

I don't want you to search for why,
or how I could have done this at a time in my life
where I was so close to getting out.
The truth is that I will never get out.
I will never live a life where I am not in pain,
or questioning the meaning that I have in others' lives,
not wishing that I could drown in rain,
or questioning the meaning that I have in living out the rest of my life,
not wishing that I could drown.
Truthfully, it makes no difference.
It is like I am in pain but no one is listening.
Everyone chooses to close their ears and tell me, instead,
that it will get better.
I have learned and accepted my life.
I have realized that the rest of my life consists of one under the control
of a mental problem that makes everything feel like the end of the world.
That— every time something goes mildly wrong— I feel like I'm dying.
And when it's worse, I feel like I just might as well do it now.
Nobody can change or save me— no amount of love, or song, or piece of art,
or poem, or person— can help me hang on forever.
People are undependable, which is why, out of all things, it makes sense
why even I couldn't keep me alive.
You should never put your life in someone's hands, and I did—
I put them in my own.
I made myself keep fighting until I felt even the tiniest feeling of
purpose or passion, and I told myself that even the tiniest amount
of happiness was worth it.
But that's not how you would see it in a separate scenario.
You wouldn't tell me to keep myself in a relationship where the other person
only ever gave me the bare minimum, where they only made me happy
one day a week, in that minute where they made me feel worthwhile.
You wouldn't tell me to continue on through all of the feelings of
worthlessness and uselessness and insecurity because, that one small moment
where they make me happy is worth it.
You would tell me to find someone better.
You would tell me I deserve someone better. Then, I would try to find it—
knowing only way too late that I will never find someone that could
possibly give me everything I deserve.
Those people do not exist.
And for me, being alone has never worked quite well.
Because I get in my own head.
I think about all of the things I am not, and how I don't even care to fight
to become them. I just don't care.
I shouldn't have had to fight for this long.
But life seems to disagree. Life seems to keep telling me the battles
will not end, and I think it's the same for everyone.
I just think some people don't want to have to go through it anymore.
I just think some people don't want to not feel alive anymore.
Some people finally are honest with themselves and think, "Why am I doing
this to myself?"
It seems I do to myself what others do to me.
Except it's worse, because I am with me for the rest of
my life, and I can't get away from me.

if

the more i feel,
the more it hurts

and the more it hurts,
the more i feel

then do i keep feeling?

If I were a constellation,
I think I'd like to hang above your backyard.
Though my glow would already have been
too diminished for you to see me.
I guess-
I just keep trying.
And I guess
I just keep lying.
And I guess
I just keep thinking,

if I were not me,

if I were not me.

If love is an ocean, then I am the floor underneath it
Pressed down upon by miles of heavy sand and
the water that makes me drown

If love is a home, I am the ground beneath it
Too closed off to be nothing but imbedded in concrete

If love is California, then I am New York
Too far to be seen and two things that will never touch

If love is a well, I am the bottom of it
Too hidden in dark water that everyone drinks and chokes on

If love is this life, then I am barely living
Too much pain to feel alive
Too much feeling to feel different

If love is you, then I am me
Too much to be
Just too much

If love is a home, I am the ground beneath it

If love is a well, I am the bottom of it

If love is this life, then I am barely living

If love is an ocean, I am drowning in it

i stopped hanging out with my friends after the hook ups went around in a cycle. first, it started small. the same voice every week. it was always, "he texted me and asked me to hook up". melancholy out of not-giving-a-**** and not condescension like she'd hoped it was so it wouldn't seem like she was overdoing it, the rest of us would say "no way, again?"

every week. then eventually the rest of them got the same text. and they'd start overdoing it, too.

my first thoughts were, "gee, we can't even ask people to **** in person anymore." but then i thought, how do you do that if you aren't in love with them?

-

i stopped hanging out with my friends after the hook ups went around in a cycle at parties. apparently, it's easy. first they broke the ice (when the term "hook up" just meant making out) with some attractive other of the opposite ***- or same ***, i really don't give a **** about that, either- and it'd be really special because they weren't just kissing one person, they were kissing ten. all of the others before. i found that lovely.

then after a few parties, they'd mature. ready for the next best thing, the next BIG thing, the thing that made you interesting. next it was "hey, let's **** in this bed that two or three or seven other people just ****** in while we listen to a melting *** of drunk and high teenagers scream and stumble to the worst music on the floor below us". i found that lovely.

-

i stopped hanging out with my friends after they thought they were acting so rebellious by drinking when no parents were home. i won't lie to you, i had a few sips. but it tasted like ****. so i offered it to one of them after i had about down to the very first brim of the top of the red solo cup. so naturally, she took it, gulping three times before she pulled the cup away from her mouth and in between laughs i heard "i'm an alcoholic". i looked her dead in her face as the cup went back to her mouth, a slight laugh saying "you're not an alcoholic", but i was already done laughing by the time she did, overdoing it, again.

-

i stopped hanging out with my friends after i realized they didn't know what being an alcoholic meant. i judged as they waited until five minutes after mommy and daddy were gone to crack open their super risky Mike's Hard, Bud Light and Twisted Tea. i judged the flavors. i kept thinking, "you know it tastes like ****, that's nothing close to what lemonade tastes like, have you TASTED lemonade??"

-

i stopped hanging out with my friends after it was clear they'd never ******* tell each other why they ****** each other off. most times they were smiling way too much. overdoing it, again. i thought, "you're seventeen and you can't tell people how you feel but you can **** in a bed that two or three or seven other people just ****** in with a hook up that's not really one but ten."

-

i stopped hanging out with my friends after playing Cards Against Humanity a few times and i realized i felt they were more ****** up than the cards.

it was pretty bad. and their answers were really ****** up. the sentence would say The greatest thing to happen in history is and their answer would be The Holocaust. they were ****** up for sure. but by the fifth week i didn't need the cards to think so.

-

i stopped hanging out with my friends after they all started dressing the same. it was like being surrounded by mirrors with different faces, all that so badly wanted to reflect the other. being atypical i started to feel typical just by sitting in between them. they stared at each other the whole time and after awhile it was like they couldn't see me because i was the only one who dressed different.

-

i stopped hanging out with my friends after my anxiety started ******* me every time i was with them. the voice on my left said "go home if you don't like them" while the one on my right said "you *****, if you weren't so boring you could have a few drinks and get fUUccckkIIINNGGG LIIITTT, DUUDDEEE".

-

i stopped hanging out with my friends after i realized i ******* hated every single one of them. i hated their culture. i hated that they couldn't say anything interesting unless they were drunk or high and even then their ideas weren't good enough. i hated that they never thought about the universe or art or how it's really ******* fascinating that the earth's lungs are trees and we're its cancer. i hated that their consistent use of alcohol got boring for me. i hated the alcohol. i hated their lack of originality. i hated the videos where i could hear them saying "hey, blow your vape into my camera". i hated the voice in their head that told them that it was a cool idea. i hated their perception. i hated how they always had to worry about everybody else's perceptions. i hated how they always agreed with everybody else's perceptions. i hated what they payed attention to. i hated that they payed more attention to who said the most but did the least. i hated that they started doing the least. i hated their values. i hated that they valued nothing. i hated that they got more than what they gave because they always gave nothing. i hated that they depressed me. i hated that i was too depressing for them. i hated that i couldn't share my thoughts for the sake of not being too serious all of the time. i hated their blank personalities. i hated that their personalities started fusing together until all that was left was one big blank personality. i hated that they were so easy going. i hated that they'd never stand for something. i hated that they were so easy going that they never had an opinion. i hated that i was alone. i hated that i was alone because none of them thought like me. i hated the way they thought. i hated their thought because they never thought it through. i hated their vibration. i hated that they made me feel singular when we'd sit around a fire. i hated their singularity. i hated that at most times i was surrounded by empty bodies with no brain. i hated that they never used their brain. i hated that i hated my brain because they never used their brain. i hated their culture. i hate their culture.

i gave up on their culture.

I regret not knowing any better than I did when he still loved me.
I must have been inside of a wind tunnel- for months- not hearing anything.
I must have been deaf or something, I must have been too boring,
I must have been annoying.

I think I am annoying.

I regret not being as confident in myself as I was two months ago, for my
entire life.
I regret wasting away like smoked cigarettes on street corners.
I regret decaying like it is my job.

I regret that the things I have seen have not been good.
I regret that all signs in my life tell me it is falling apart.
I regret falling apart when I still had something to grab onto.

I regret not having anything to hold onto, now, and dying because of it.
I regret dying, but not because I don't like the idea of it.

I regret not living at night but rather during the day with everyone else.
I regret seeing everyone on a daily basis.
I regret my choice of boyfriends.

I regret what I used to think love is.
I regret not thinking of my parents as teenagers once.
I regret forgetting what my dad's old house looks like.

I regret coming back to the city and tying him to everything.
I regret seeing his face in red and blue and gold lights even though his is
colorless.
I regret wanting to wrap my state in my hand and close it off to newcomers-
but if I did, I'd probably crush it.

I regret wanting to travel because I will never visit the places I talk about.
I regret being a better hopeless romantic than he is, which makes me worse.
I regret being a musician because I need pain in order to do it.

I regret feeling like the main character in each of my favorite movies.
I regret thinking I am special or interesting enough to have a movie made
about me.
I regret writing a book about my life as if it isn't a story that has been heard
a million times before.

I regret believing writing a book would change my life.

I regret changing the way I believe in things. I regret making God a force
that is connected to my pain even though I swear he has nothing to do with it.
I regret thinking He should have nothing to do with me, because I use him
in my writing and possibly risk my chances at Heaven.

I regret that I gamble my relationship with the Afterlife because I think nothing could
be worse than here.
I regret thinking life on Earth is Hell, because the Earth has nothing to do with the hell humans have made it- the hell that I, a human, have made it.
I regret that I have made life on Earth a living Hell for myself.

I regret that I am so good at manufacturing existential crises out of thin air.
I regret that this air feels too thin to breathe in for more than a day.

I regret giving in when I probably shouldn't have, or thinking giving in was
the problem when in reality it is just me being too weak to deal with average,
everyday problems.
I regret that everything feels like the end of the world.
I regret seeing myself as one of the few people who will never experience
marriage because we think we'll lose parts of ourselves if we do, and we have
already sacrificed too much that if we give one more piece away, we'll de-exist.

I regret seeing myself as one or all of the few people because even when I think I am not alone in something, I swear I am truly alone.
I regret feeling alone around him.

I regret merely going through the motions again, instead of living.
I regret not feeling like I'm living, and not living because I'm not feeling like it.

I regret wanting something to change when nothing will.
I regret not knowing if I need to change or not.
I regret disappearing the more I loved.

I regret loving more to try and feel less like I have disappeared.
I regret relying on him loving me to not feel invisible.
I regret having my confidence knocked out in the first few rounds from a
punch that wasn't even all that bad.

I regret feeling in extremes, because he thinks his sister should be like me.
I regret having reasons for why she shouldn't be.

I regret not being myself in light because otherwise people will see too much
of what they don't want to see.
I regret relating to an abuser's music because it is sad enough, but if it wasn't
this sad then I probably wouldn't listen to it.

I regret needing sadness because now that I have it, I won't let it go like I
was let go- like I am let go every single time, and that is probably one of the
reasons I am like this.

I regret being like this.
I regret pretending I am not like this to preserve their innocence, or something
like that.
I regret not even knowing why I do half the things I do.

I regret regretting all of these things that mean nothing to everyone else.
I regret this poem.

I should feel like the world is at my fingertips
Like I can hold it in my hand like the ball of a lollipop
Absorb sweetness with a split tongue, since

I try to taste both Hell and Heaven
I try to make the pain delicious
And then men come running to my table

They want a piece of this;
Brokenness in the form of a likeable woman
They see cracks in my skin and know they can get one

I preserve pain and hurt like a Goddess,
Together we have a last supper with my bad experiences
And they decide which part they’ll steal for dessert

They desert me and together they forget me
And I remind them I can die so easily
But the men keep to their word once they leave

Why do people think they have all the time in the world
Or that their friends can’t die in seconds
Why do men make me their puppet

Why do people think they hurt no one
Or do nothing,
When they always leave someone

Always leave someone or be left
Drag or be dragged to death
Be or make a complete mess

I am messed up inside, I swear
Even Beelzebub could not wear and tear
Could not crack through the ground like I do

A heart of cement sits in my chest
Because stone cold me is best
And that is the only way to pardon with the Devil

He dances and bartends mixing serotonin levels
Making drinks, watch them poor out
I drink until my teeth fall out

Until my gums are numb and I can’t make a sound
And I think it’s funny, a smile without any teeth
The list of long days and weeks ahead of me

The long list of names that read like the blues
The times I fold at the sight of his shoes
Heavy black boots too big for my feet

A new dress made from a white bed sheet
I preserve pain and hurt like a beast,
I let it grow inside me like trees

The roots sprout tangled like cobwebs
Make themselves at home like he did
Like the dust bunnies under my bed

Like the dirt that fills holes in my lungs
My melodic way of coughing up blood
He runs his hand along my back to help me breathe

But that only makes it harder for me
And I’ve been broken in half since,
Because he is both Hell and Heaven

And God knows we both can’t have it all
Or maybe he knows I can’t handle it all
So I am given nothing at the most

He deserts me and a few days later he forgets me
And I remind him I can die so easily
But he keeps to his word once he leaves

Why does he think he has all of the time in the world
Or that his friends can’t die in seconds
Why does he make me his puppet

Why does he think he hurts no one
Or does nothing,
When he is always leaving

Always leave someone or be left
Drag or be dragged to death
Be or make a complete mess

I am messed up inside, I swear
Since he loves to shoot me down and leave me there
And crack a smile when no one else will dare

He has driven me into the pavement
And made me a fossil for his new collection
The few, independent women

Who he has turned upside down inside themselves
And makes me feel the worst things I have felt
And uses poetry to give himself a rest

The words read like song lyrics
He dances and toasts to new curly-haired girlfriends
His signature drink is a hopeless romantic

A heart of cement sits in my chest
Because stone cold me is best
And that is the only way to pardon with the Devil

If the pain was psychosomatic
Then the placebo would have been enough for me
So would have been my dreams

And everything
Everything would have been enough for me
Everything would have been great, I bet

But the pain is not
And still, everything will be
I have lost the love I had at first

So goes the life within me
So does pain make a mansion out of me
So births a smile without any teeth

Then hands will grab my face
And he will make a portrait out of me
Use a knife to curve my lips up

And make my smile look brand new
Then he will take my pieces, helplessly broken
And stick me together with glue

"Oh, look!" he'll say, "how lovely!"
How lovely I look while I decay!
While I bleed he'll say the red reminds him of roses

That I remind him of beauty!
But he does not want to see me during the day!
Because dark is only meant for night

And he will tell me I should stay!
"Oh, lovely Angel!" he likes to call me
But only a true lover would know angels are all dead

So dead I am
So do I fly away at night while he is sleeping
So goes the life within me

So he no longer notices me
And I am twirling on broken glass with bare feet
Outside his window by the city where he first kissed me

Dare he remember and that might **** him
So you would think from how he talks
Or how he never looks at me at all

In a red blood dress I spin endlessly
And he will tell me he wouldn't change me
And he will call all of this destiny!

He will say destiny is what killed me!
And made me an Angel for an end to some months
Because I had to die in order to become one

And after he's made me a portrait I will be more!
A poem or book or some decor
That masks my pain as artistic pleasure

That uses my blood to paint a version that's better
Whichever it is that they will buy
That I am not counting down the time

And maybe they will believe this was all just for show
And that anything was never wrong at all
I guess that is better, I bet

Let the darkness swallow itself whole
And disappear into the wall
And pretend you didn't turn the lights off

i am
in love again

and i am
alive again

to have looked at this same sky with you
from the same place where i am standing now

maybe
if you knew how much i loved you
those angry voices wouldn't bruise so blue
and you wouldn't feel the need to hide your third degree burns from me

maybe
if you knew how much i loved you
the anything's that sink deep in the left side of your brain
wouldn't force feed you full until you tell me you don't want to eat

maybe
if you knew how much i loved you
that closet door you always keep wide open would shut
and you'd pack your mask in a box you don't need

maybe
if you knew how much i loved you
your walks wouldn't bring you to the middle of the street
traveling all alone at midnight when you leave

maybe
if you knew how much i loved you
whatever tells you i won't see it for long since you can't
would stay quiet like black ashes falling from the sky in light debris

maybe
if you knew how much i loved you
you wouldn't still keep your pills in the drawer of your nightstand
tucked underneath your white t shirt so only you can see

maybe
if you knew how much i loved you
earth would be bigger and nothing wouldn't scream nothing
yet you can still hear it perfectly

maybe
if you knew how much i loved you
life would feel more like life and death
is only mystery because you never quite get there when you dream

maybe
if you knew how much i loved you
you wouldn't need to dream as much
as you do but i believe you that it's all to feel closer to me

maybe
if you knew how much i loved you
you'd recognize when i showed it
maybe if i showed it

maybe

i looked at the moon tonight
until i felt insignificant
and so my problems felt insignificant
and i will do it again tomorrow night

If I was put here for a reason,
then why do I hate being here?
My five Okay Days are always followed
by before-bed breakdowns and I think
Life, itself, is misleading.
If things are meant to be,
then why do they never work out for some?
Why do people commit suicide and
die miserable?
If that is "meant to be".

If that is meant to be then I have been
being for a long time, now.
I can have half of my heart collapse into
predisposed, depressed ruins and quit
being able to balance on my feet,
and I will be characterized by "low self esteem".
This is not low self esteem.
This is a lifestyle,
a product of eighteen years too early and eighteen years too late,
a brain too involved to ever break through, and
life is too long.
My originality finds loopholes in your positivity.
Soon it will be 30 years too early and 30 years too late,
and my life will have never had actual life to it.
If I was meant to be,
then I was meant to be miserable.

Over the years I've noticed that I feel differently about life than most people.
I've noticed the way I look at the stars just before midnight when they seem to shine the brightest, with a desire in my heart to know what it's like to be up there.
My entire perception of the world is shaped completely around curiosity, a curiosity to know the completeness of things that exist within a vast emptiness.

Like space; I desire to know what it is like to flow through space, live in space, be a part of space. Maybe like being the moon, living calmly alone in the darkness, lonely and unbothered.
Or perhaps maybe a star, surrounded by nothing. There is a certain beauty in nothing. I find there is a peace in nothing. I desire to know what it is like to live within nothing, to be nothing.

Most people, I'd believe, look up at the sky in an amazement, almost an awe, for what they can see only as a beauty to the eye, and nothing more.
I look up at the sky, however, with a longing in my heart, feeling separated from where I truly belong.

I have began to realize the meaning behind my admiration and utter jealousy of the universe comes from the truth that I feel I am meant to be above the secluding, limiting, unbearableness we call the world. That living within it I feel subject to only a small portion of everything, everything but nothing.

I feel living upon this world minimizes my true worth, my true meaning in the universe. Where life upon nothing, within nothing, is impossible. But a life of nothing, is truly the life for me.

Not only do I see hundreds of stars with just one glance upon the night sky, I see a home, somewhere where I can just be, my home.
A home that has been formed from the comfortableness I find within myself. Each star and each comet, the beauty marks upon my face, my imperfections- they are symbolic of the bright dullness I find in being alone, completely alone.

I have come to know the reason why I am so attached to the vast, empty universe composed of nothing, surrounded by nothing, filled with nothing, and only nothing. The universe is the sole recluse of who I am, what I am.
When I see it, I see myself; a clear mirror exists between the universe and I, along with all of the vast emptiness and nothing, surrounded by nothing, filled with nothing, and only nothing that's been used to create me.
That mirror a wall, with no real barrier, yet preventing me from surpassing the life I live- one yearning to touch my other face, my true face, made entirely of the beauty I find true peace within, the beauty of nothing, and only nothing, the nothing that's been used to create me.

I cannot write something that is Painless,
Maybe because I cannot exist and be Painless.
Because I do not exist.
And if I exist, I’m not Painless.
My Writing is nothing,
Maybe because I am Nothing.
Because I am Nothing.
And if I’m not Nothing, you’re lying.
My consistent efforts are worthless,
Maybe because my effort is worthless.
Because effort is Worthless.
And my Brain is honest.
My brilliance is battered,
Maybe because I am brilliant for being Battered.
Because I am brilliant and Battered.
And I can’t not be Battered.
There is no need for more reverence,
Maybe because I have capped out my Existence.
Because I am Sick of Existence.
And Existence is Reverence.
There is no love in my bearing,
Because Love means Bearing.
And I have no Bearing,
Because I am scared.
I am scared of my edges,
And scared of tipping.
Because the winds are not calming.
Because a piece of something is missing.
A piece of me is Missing,
Maybe because something is missing.
Because something is missing.
A piece of me is Missing.

I do not know what I am
But she does-
Just as she envisions me,
I am intertwined with her fearfulness
Drowned out by a glass of wine

She is nervous
She thinks with the more I see
I will trade in everything that has made me
Sell it for some false narrative
One night where I feel I fit in
Or maybe, a man who does not see me
For everything she has made me

She thinks I don’t enjoy it
She thinks
She thinks
She thinks
She never says what she is thinking

She feels just like my father,
Sneaking in the dark
The difference being it is what she is
Swallowed whole by
And that of which he feeds

I guess-
They do not know what they are, either
They do not know what each other, is
Or who, exactly, they married
And I do not know what I am

I am intertwined in his nervousness
Tightly embraced for what feels like a strangle
Because it is wrong
In the form of another woman

He is scared
He thinks with the more I see
I will forget to see myself, and then
I will be lost in my own absence
Give it all up for
One night, with a man who does not fit
And all I will be is weak

He thinks I will fall weak
He thinks
He thinks
He thinks
He never says what he is thinking

He feels just like my mother,
Who is always on edge about him
As he is always on edge about me
Together, they are always on edge about me

I guess-
They do not know what I am, either
And I do not know what I am
But I recognize I am both; swallowed whole
By the dark and it is absolutely what I feed off of

I guess-
I am like my mother
And like my father

And we are all like each other.

they all tell me
you’ll regret leaving.
they drill into my head
that one day you’re gonna
come crawling back to me
tears in your eyes
begging me to let you
hold me again.
they say that
you’ll realize what you lost.

every night i sit and think
and i remember
how stubborn you were
when i told you that you
had something so special
within you.
and you would always
respond in that same
stubborn tone.
and you’d say "no i don’t"
and i’d just laugh and ask you
"you just won’t ever believe
me huh?"
then you’d smile after your
very decisive "nope"

i remember how hard i’d try
to do everything i could
just to make you feel different
than the rest of them
ever made you feel
and i did try my hardest for you.

they tell me it’s gonna
kick in soon.
that all of the pain i feel now
is going to match the guilt
and regret you’ll drown in.
that it’s going to hit you
in waves
as the sadness does to me.

but what they fail to understand
and what i’ve learned about you
is that if you find yourself in a
place where you’re suffering
you’ll leave it.

and so they so foolishly believe
you’ll pay for what you did to me
when you and i both know
you’ve already freed yourself.
you were smart enough to
let go of your anchor
before i ever had the chance
to tie the rope around your ankle.
you swam your way back to the shore
while i sunk down below the ripples.

and when i finally let go
you’ll have already gone too far
and when i finally reach the surface
i’ll gasp endlessly for breath
and i’ll look to see you.
and when i finally blink enough times
to get the salt water out from my eyes

i’ll notice you
free
walking profusely on the shore.
and you won’t ever look back
simply because
you’d never need to see
in the direction that you
are not headed.
and you will have left me
in the middle of the ocean
fighting for my life.
but i guess i could never say
i blame you
for making me hold on.

for you were the one
who showed me
how easy it is
to let go.

and later on they’ll ask
how could you ever forgive
him for this
and i’ll put my head down
in shame
and say easy. he taught me
how to swim

There are people all around me
But I face the wall
Dying and yet failing to be free from it all

I can hear them just outside
Their voices fade like my eyesight has
They fade like everything I used to have

I know how to let go better than anyone
I let go better than a man
I let go like I'm ******

I let go like I'm meant for pain
I let go like rain
I let go like I'm him

He can think he's better at losing things
But I know the greatest loss
I know bigger holes in my heart

I know deeper cuts
And horrible luck
And how to get away with the bad stuff

I know how to make myself starve
How to make myself bleed
And dress up like a perfect figurine

I know how to make sadness look pretty
I know how to make it look clean
So you cannot tell the difference

I let go of everything I could be
What he could have let me mean
I let go better than he

I let go of me
I let go of sleep
I let go of all of my dreams

I know how to leave
I know how to do it clean
I make sadness look pretty

I know how to leave
I know how to bleed
And make myself look pretty

They never love all of me.
Only some of me.