I never needed any pillars
Didn’t want them-
Wanted to give myself the feeling
No one else could

I wanted to be enough for myself
And I was
Then I wasn’t-
Embedded in the idea
That amazingness like him could love me

I let him in my chamber
Let him feel around my pillows
Let him warm me in the warmest parts of me
And lost myself in ignoring
That maybe my bed is not big enough

Maybe my brain isn’t quick enough
I realize too late,
And then my heart is not filled enough
Now my body is not sure enough

About my placement in a city
That used to make the world larger for me
Then the lights shine like his bedroom’s
And I think I really must be Calypso
Because the men are always leaving

I fell through the floor one night
Because I questioned if he’d need me
And then I let it, so the ground swallowed me
And I let it keep making me bleed

I bleed in constellations
And poetry,
Like he does
I bleed in love

I bleed in longing and goodnight’s
And feeling like I’m missing something
I bleed in wishing I could see him
In this moment
Instead of sleeping the same as I did

When he was one thousand miles away
I bleed
I bleed
I bleed
But this heart will not stop beating

Maybe it doesn’t get enough
And the mind inside of it won’t think too much
I keep asking myself when the time will be
Where I have bled enough

Maybe it doesn’t get enough
And the mind inside of it won’t think enough
I keep asking myself when the time will be
Where I now bleed too much

But my pillars have grown curls as patterns
My hypnotic energy is wrapped in jeans
Dark eyes show more than oceans that hug this island
I have sailed myself to
Where he is gravity

He pulls me down but keeps me from drowning
I am floating, on water
Like ghosts do above attic floorboards
But I am bleeding like I’m living

I bleed in constellations
And poetry,
Like he does
I bleed in love
This heart will not stop beating

Maybe it doesn’t get enough
And the mind inside of it won’t think too much
I keep asking myself when the time will be
Where I have bled enough

Maybe it doesn’t get enough
And the mind inside of it won’t think enough
I keep asking myself when the time will be
Where I now bleed too much

But I’m living in a world surrounded by galaxies
Where down is up,
And grip is too loose to stay
And black holes keep on pulling

And he is gravity.

I know all of the pain in the world
I hold it in my hand like gold bullet casings
They melt into my skin like metal rings
Wrapped around my finger bones until I feel the chill
Until nothing else feels real

There are bruises above my knuckles
Where they sit beneath the layers
Black and blue flavored markings
Look like dirt ingrained in skin
Skinless I can be if that is what you’ll savor

If it’s savory, tastes sweet and sugary
Black and blue are just my own two personal flavors
Creations I’ve made from digging nails into backs
Of barrels filled with black moods
And dirt underneath my fingernails

For one night, I can forget them for her
Let the soul inside me breathe clean air
As if I am not bonded to pain in pleasure
Pleasure for them and pain for myself
Like saved plates only ever filled with leftovers

And I have tasted none of them
Tasted none but one but I have more than one ring
And more than one bruise
Because I feel more than one type of pain
Losing is an incision sewed by miscommunication

Implanted in a thought process that has become
So ****** from listening
I listen to you list your wounds from my rings
That become brass knuckles when I touch you
That become how I loved you

And soon your fingers begin to feel broken, too
And snap when they feel me
Last touch against cracked glass
Shattered pieces sing against me
And there is no sound when I scream

Soon I won’t be able to hear you sing anymore
I won’t laugh at the jokes I should
I’ll feel like the dirt underneath your fingernails
The grime I ground against you
Shot at you and beneath you

And hopefully you will hold pain in your hand, too
Hold it in your hand like gold bullet casings
They melt into your skin like metal rings
Wrapped around your finger bones until you feel the chill
Until nothing else feels real

Vowed to be savory,
Black and blue flavored markings taste sweet and sugary
Skinless we can be if that helps to feel the chill
Until nothing else feels real
And together we are bound by the pain I made us feel

Last night I couldn’t let another body
Touch mine
Even though his was just as soft
His hands did not graze quickly over
They stayed put in places for seconds
Sometimes minutes at a time
Like I was the earth itself

My body is not meant to be touched
Or so, I tell myself
Letting walls down means being held
Being held means holding
I don’t want to hold him

I don’t want to hold anyone
I want to be alone
Alone is safe haven
Where depressing pigment is worn in confidence
I want to be alone with myself
Where I can win and lose in two,
No matter which of the halves are left on top

I don’t want him on top of me
On top of me means I am under
I have been underground for months at a time
Trapped by different permanents
Whether demon or person

I don’t want to be a person with feelings
Feelings mean being pried open,
Mean my nails have grown weak in my door crevice,
Mean the floorboards are ready to be lifted

You shouldn’t try to lift me from this
As if you could
As if you would

Last night I couldn’t think of another body
Touching mine
Even though they may be just as soft
Their hands graze quickly over
And find new homes to stay in by nightfall
For days, sometimes weeks at a time
The home inside me welcomes barely

My body was not meant to be touched
As long as I told myself
Cages are meant to be kept around me
Locked in means locking you out
Write poems about wanting to hold me

I didn’t want to hold anyone
Wanted nothing but to be alone
Alone is safe haven
Where depressing pigment is worn in confidence
Being alone with me is part of a muse
That replays how people break in two,
No matter whoever’s halves are left on top

You knew not to be on top of me
Not to ever let me be hurt from under
I have been underground for months at a time
Scarred by different permanents
Whether demon or person

I didn’t want to be a person with feelings
You were careful not to pry me open,
Undress drapes unhooked like shower curtains,
Upon wet stone floors begging me to slip

You wouldn’t ever let me slip
As if you could
As if you could

I do not know what I am
But she does-
Just as she envisions me,
I am intertwined with her fearfulness
Drowned out by a glass of wine

She is nervous
She thinks with the more I see
I will trade in everything that has made me
Sell it for some false narrative
One night where I feel I fit in
Or maybe, a man who does not see me
For everything she has made me

She thinks I don’t enjoy it
She thinks
She thinks
She thinks
She never says what she is thinking

She feels just like my father,
Sneaking in the dark
The difference being it is what she is
Swallowed whole by
And that of which he feeds

I guess-
They do not know what they are, either
They do not know what each other, is
Or who, exactly, they married
And I do not know what I am

I am intertwined in his nervousness
Tightly embraced for what feels like a strangle
Because it is wrong
In the form of another woman

He is scared
He thinks with the more I see
I will forget to see myself, and then
I will be lost in my own absence
Give it all up for
One night, with a man who does not fit
And all I will be is weak

He thinks I will fall weak
He thinks
He thinks
He thinks
He never says what he is thinking

He feels just like my mother,
Who is always on edge about him
As he is always on edge about me
Together, they are always on edge about me

I guess-
They do not know what I am, either
And I do not know what I am
But I recognize I am both; swallowed whole
By the dark and it is absolutely what I feed off of

I guess-
I am like my mother
And like my father

And we are all like each other.

He feels like water,
In my palms that soften at his touch
Cleansed of old fingerprints and DNA
I thought I wanted to keep

In my blood,
Sliding through and warming me
With more pressure in certain spots

I am so warm
I cannot remember when I was freezing,
If I was freezing,
I must have been too frozen to feel it
I must have been too busy sleeping

I must have been asleep,
Because in what I feel now I know I have missed this
I know I almost missed it

In three months I swore myself to be healed
In healing, I had given up my right to feel
I haven’t felt some things and then
I felt it all

It felt good, then horrible
Then good again

Now it feels like water,
In my palms,
In my blood,

It’s easy

And keeping me from dying

When you stand balancing over me,
I do not see him.
I do not feel him,
Miss him, I—

I remember all of them.
Every boy I have ever given my body up to,
Whether it was only at the sight of the crevice that pillows my words,
Or the entirety of my existence.
I let them have it.

Let them crawl atop the tethered grass that’s been ripped out of its place
And make a bed.
Let them make a bed even though it does not comfort me.
Even though that isn’t even where I sleep.
I let them dream,
Let them dream until they tell me that is exactly what it feels like—
Like a dream because it all must be a movie,
Because every movement is so translucent,
So unsurprising and superficial.

So expected and too perfect,
Too familiar because I’ve seen it so many times over,
When you stand balancing over me,
I do not see him.
I do not feel him,
Miss him, I—

I remember all of them.
Every boy I have ever given my body up to,
Whether it was only at the sight of the crevice that pillows my words,
Or the entirety of my existence.
I let them have it.

When you stand over me I feel powerless.

Powerless because I am not in control of my mind, because my thoughts are not mindful of everything I’ve been through.
They try to forget but they cannot erase what has happened to me,
Cannot erase the red and blue that surrounds my eyes because I rub too hard,
I think too hard,
Because it isn’t that I don’t want you to,
It is that I don’t want to be the one to give it to you,
And suddenly I remember all of them.
Every boy I have ever given my body up to,
Whether it was only at the sight of the crevice that pillows my words,
Or the entirety of my existence.
I let them have it—

The resolution of an empty bed that I refuse to lay in when it’s warm,
And even if it’s mine,
My resolution is that for you I have nothing more than empty promises.

I promise you can fill my space when it gets cold.

If only you knew how it felt-
That the few inches between us in the bed
are not something you wish to bridge.
You let them grow inside of themselves, instead,
Without lifting a finger to reach me,
Or turning a cheek to look at me.

It has been three months since I've disappeared
and you have not called me.
You have not thought of me.
I am a bleached memory that has begun to look
better washed out,
Like I was ***** before
When it was sore,
Like you were always on the edges of things.

If only you knew how it felt-
To see my eyes and not think of anything.
To not feel anything.
To be free from everything that encapsulates me.
Like I was ***** before
When it was sore,
Like the eyes didn't show anything more.

If only you knew how it felt-

Knowing that you don't love me anymore.