still, my best chance is through
words without sound
but the silence can hurt
when my thoughts are so loud

I thank the world for the moments
Where your soul is at peace because it has broken
into all of its pieces.
At times I feel there is a God
That lets me stand still in my 9.5 tornado of a life.
The wreckage keeps me together,
Keeps me from falling to the floor onto
More glass shards and wood pieces from a path I carved myself.
The windowpane holds my head in place
While time and time again I watch the Earth continue to be ruined.
My mirrors are all broken,
And I am not complaining.
It is that moment of sad relief,
The hour where you have stopped crying
And there is no feeling inside your fingertips.
The sweet nothing is a grand lifestyle,
Forgivable for a time with no noise,
Or life.
To lay down in a bed and yet float with the wind.
I do not stop myself from feeling nothing.
When the winds calm down and time moves backwards,
The hour runs quick
And I am reminded there really is a God
Because the pain replenishes itself.
And the shards pierce through me,
back to my untouched windowpane.
And I am on the floor,
On my knees
With spit hanging out from my mouth
And a beaten brain,
In the place where I stay crying before.

This air runs thin.
Either that or I have just lost the desire to breathe fully,
Or I have lost it completely.
Whether or not the air is still tangible does me no difference,
Because if it's not then I'm right,
And if it is then I actually have to try.
Cleaning furniture often is supposedly good,
Since raw dust could easily be balanced out with fresh air by
opening a window.
But it does not make the room any bigger,
And it certainly does not gain back the space.
There are two possibilities if I look outside today;
One- the smog has subsided and I can finally see, or
Two- the sun is at its lowest point.
Of course, having no windows in the room is an option, too,
Because if you cannot see the outside then you can convince yourself
there isn't one,
Because if there isn't one then you don't have to leave.
Since it has been two weeks of cooler temperature
it is easier to pretend it's normal now,
Just do not give away any spare blankets,
And do not let anyone know you are freezing to death.
Be selfish,
Because that's all this world has ever shown.
Forget preparing for the worst,
Because the worst has already come,
And if there wasn't any time before then there is no time now.
Your feet are blistered from walking on beaten wood floors,
And there is barely any paint left on the bathroom wall.
You could always get new furniture,
But you cannot replace the entire house.
The cobwebs are saying there are always odds,
And the odds are never in your favor,
But if you had a broom you could wipe them away and pretend for the next few days.
Clean corners go a long way,
Especially when that is the first thing you see when you look up,
And staring at the ceiling is routine.
Everything withers,
That is why last year's birthday flowers are gone
And that is why you stopped eating every meal.
If you cried a little more there would at least be a sign of living.
But the odds have webbed together again,
And some have even found ways to the floor.
Maybe outside is different but it wouldn't make up for lost time,
And thinking only wastes more.
The air has become thin and the sun is at its lowest point,
And there are more pieces to clean.

it hurts to think
i hurt with words

since words are the
only thing i have

not seeing your face or hearing your voice is the worst kind of alone

on earth
i am bound by
traditions and opinions

in secret
i am bound by
everything else

i stopped hanging out with my friends after the hook ups went around in a cycle. first, it started small. the same voice every week. it was always, "he texted me and asked me to hook up". melancholy out of not-giving-a-**** and not condescension like she'd hoped it was so it wouldn't seem like she was overdoing it, the rest of us would say "no way, again?"

every week. then eventually the rest of them got the same text. and they'd start overdoing it, too.

my first thoughts were, "gee, we can't even ask people to **** in person anymore." but then i thought, how do you do that if you aren't in love with them?

-

i stopped hanging out with my friends after the hook ups went around in a cycle at parties. apparently, it's easy. first they broke the ice (when the term "hook up" just meant making out) with some attractive other of the opposite ***- or same ***, i really don't give a **** about that, either- and it'd be really special because they weren't just kissing one person, they were kissing ten. all of the others before. i found that lovely.

then after a few parties, they'd mature. ready for the next best thing, the next BIG thing, the thing that made you interesting. next it was "hey, let's **** in this bed that two or three or seven other people just ****** in while we listen to a melting *** of drunk and high teenagers scream and stumble to the worst music on the floor below us". i found that lovely.

-

i stopped hanging out with my friends after they thought they were acting so rebellious by drinking when no parents were home. i won't lie to you, i had a few sips. but it tasted like ****. so i offered it to one of them after i had about down to the very first brim of the top of the red solo cup. so naturally, she took it, gulping three times before she pulled the cup away from her mouth and in between laughs i heard "i'm an alcoholic". i looked her dead in her face as the cup went back to her mouth, a slight laugh saying "you're not an alcoholic", but i was already done laughing by the time she did, overdoing it, again.

-

i stopped hanging out with my friends after i realized they didn't know what being an alcoholic meant. i judged as they waited until five minutes after mommy and daddy were gone to crack open their super risky Mike's Hard, Bud Light and Twisted Tea. i judged the flavors. i kept thinking, "you know it tastes like ****, that's nothing close to what lemonade tastes like, have you TASTED lemonade??"

-

i stopped hanging out with my friends after it was clear they'd never ******* tell each other why they ****** each other off. most times they were smiling way too much. overdoing it, again. i thought, "you're seventeen and you can't tell people how you feel but you can **** in a bed that two or three or seven other people just ****** in with a hook up that's not really one but ten."

-

i stopped hanging out with my friends after playing Cards Against Humanity a few times and i realized i felt they were more ****** up than the cards.

it was pretty bad. and their answers were really ****** up. the sentence would say The greatest thing to happen in history is and their answer would be The Holocaust. they were ****** up for sure. but by the fifth week i didn't need the cards to think so.

-

i stopped hanging out with my friends after they all started dressing the same. it was like being surrounded by mirrors with different faces, all that so badly wanted to reflect the other. being atypical i started to feel typical just by sitting in between them. they stared at each other the whole time and after awhile it was like they couldn't see me because i was the only one who dressed different.

-

i stopped hanging out with my friends after my anxiety started ******* me every time i was with them. the voice on my left said "go home if you don't like them" while the one on my right said "you *****, if you weren't so boring you could have a few drinks and get fUUccckkIIINNGGG LIIITTT, DUUDDEEE".

-

i stopped hanging out with my friends after i realized i ******* hated every single one of them. i hated their culture. i hated that they couldn't say anything interesting unless they were drunk or high and even then their ideas weren't good enough. i hated that they never thought about the universe or art or how it's really ******* fascinating that the earth's lungs are trees and we're its cancer. i hated that their consistent use of alcohol got boring for me. i hated the alcohol. i hated their lack of originality. i hated the videos where i could hear them saying "hey, blow your vape into my camera". i hated the voice in their head that told them that it was a cool idea. i hated their perception. i hated how they always had to worry about everybody else's perceptions. i hated how they always agreed with everybody else's perceptions. i hated what they payed attention to. i hated that they payed more attention to who said the most but did the least. i hated that they started doing the least. i hated their values. i hated that they valued nothing. i hated that they got more than what they gave because they always gave nothing. i hated that they depressed me. i hated that i was too depressing for them. i hated that i couldn't share my thoughts for the sake of not being too serious all of the time. i hated their blank personalities. i hated that their personalities started fusing together until all that was left was one big blank personality. i hated that they were so easy going. i hated that they'd never stand for something. i hated that they were so easy going that they never had an opinion. i hated that i was alone. i hated that i was alone because none of them thought like me. i hated the way they thought. i hated their thought because they never thought it through. i hated their vibration. i hated that they made me feel singular when we'd sit around a fire. i hated their singularity. i hated that at most times i was surrounded by empty bodies with no brain. i hated that they never used their brain. i hated that i hated my brain because they never used their brain. i hated their culture. i hate their culture.

i gave up on their culture.