the flowers died

when you ripped them up

out of the ground

-

remember?

each night

in my bed

i call for the space to shrink up

and it never

does

maybe
if you knew how much i loved you
those angry voices wouldn't bruise so blue
and you wouldn't feel the need to hide your third degree burns from me

maybe
if you knew how much i loved you
the anything's that sink deep in the left side of your brain
wouldn't force feed you full until you tell me you don't want to eat

maybe
if you knew how much i loved you
that closet door you always keep wide open would shut
and you'd pack your mask in a box you don't need

maybe
if you knew how much i loved you
your walks wouldn't bring you to the middle of the street
traveling all alone at midnight when you leave

maybe
if you knew how much i loved you
whatever tells you i won't see it for long since you can't
would stay quiet like black ashes falling from the sky in light debris

maybe
if you knew how much i loved you
you wouldn't still keep your pills in the drawer of your nightstand
tucked underneath your white t shirt so only you can see

maybe
if you knew how much i loved you
earth would be bigger and nothing wouldn't scream nothing
yet you can still hear it perfectly

maybe
if you knew how much i loved you
life would feel more like life and death
is only mystery because you never quite get there when you dream

maybe
if you knew how much i loved you
you wouldn't need to dream as much
as you do but i believe you that it's all to feel closer to me

maybe
if you knew how much i loved you
you'd recognize when i showed it
maybe if i showed it

maybe

freedom of speech until you tear off the Hijab of a Muslim woman
walking down the street
and leave her beaten in the blood from your knuckles
exclaiming how much you hate terrorists

freedom of speech until you pour gasoline all over the floor of
an LGBTQ center and set it to flames
because you say that is not love's way

freedom of speech until you're a police officer who beats a handcuffed man
to death while he is laying on the pavement you took him down on
with five other officers by your side
because you think your safety was more at risk
and his skin color only proves it

freedom of speech until you **** a woman you had already detained
and fake her mugshot to save your department
because "the crime rate is rising" on this side of town

freedom of speech until you light up a church
because you still believe you're superior
and want to show it

freedom of speech until you walk around in a white cloak
pretending to be so pure
yelling that anyone outside of your shade is a social parasite
although your color did not always touch the grass of this nation
until you stole it

freedom of speech until speech becomes hate
and hate becomes crime
and there's killing
and killing
and killing

freedom of "speech"
and this entire world will go blind

you never saw
what i was

i was nothing more than a place
to make yourself comfortable
for a few nights

i didn't have anything
particularly special

i was boring
lifeless
easy
colorless
nothing

i was nothing to you

and i don't think words
could ever tell the pain
you have made me feel

it is just empty
so empty

being your home
i thought i'd at least feel a little less
dead

but dead i am
completely dead

i don't have anything
particularly special

i am boring
lifeless
easy
colorless
nothing

nothing to you

and now nothing to me, too

they all tell me
you’ll regret leaving.
they drill into my head
that one day you’re gonna
come crawling back to me
tears in your eyes
begging me to let you
hold me again.
they say that
you’ll realize what you lost.

every night i sit and think
and i remember
how stubborn you were
when i told you that you
had something so special
within you.
and you would always
respond in that same
stubborn tone.
and you’d say "no i don’t"
and i’d just laugh and ask you
"you just won’t ever believe
me huh?"
then you’d smile after your
very decisive "nope"

i remember how hard i’d try
to do everything i could
just to make you feel different
than the rest of them
ever made you feel
and i did try my hardest for you.

they tell me it’s gonna
kick in soon.
that all of the pain i feel now
is going to match the guilt
and regret you’ll drown in.
that it’s going to hit you
in waves
as the sadness does to me.

but what they fail to understand
and what i’ve learned about you
is that if you find yourself in a
place where you’re suffering
you’ll leave it.

and so they so foolishly believe
you’ll pay for what you did to me
when you and i both know
you’ve already freed yourself.
you were smart enough to
let go of your anchor
before i ever had the chance
to tie the rope around your ankle.
you swam your way back to the shore
while i sunk down below the ripples.

and when i finally let go
you’ll have already gone too far
and when i finally reach the surface
i’ll gasp endlessly for breath
and i’ll look to see you.
and when i finally blink enough times
to get the salt water out from my eyes

i’ll notice you
free
walking profusely on the shore.
and you won’t ever look back
simply because
you’d never need to see
in the direction that you
are not headed.
and you will have left me
in the middle of the ocean
fighting for my life.
but i guess i could never say
i blame you
for making me hold on.

for you were the one
who showed me
how easy it is
to let go.

and later on they’ll ask
how could you ever forgive
him for this
and i’ll put my head down
in shame
and say easy. he taught me
how to swim

how many people
can you ruin
in a lifetime?