You say I’m depressed
But really life’s a ****** mess
So take of your dress
And **** me your best
And just forget the whole ******* rest
                                                            ­    
                                                            *(j.­j)

If you ever see me staring off in the distance,
See me doodling, or playing with my hair.
Wondering if I'm just tired or just daydreaming
Or just sad or just bored.
Or not even wondering at all…
But the truth is my mind is in a thousand places
I pray no one else ever has to goes to.
(j.j)

6 years of our lives are spent in dreams
but I beg to differ
because there isn’t a moment of the day
that goes by that I don’t dream of you
your lips
your body
your eyes
and that irresistible smile that brings me to my knees
you hide in my thoughts
you live in my heart
you strangle my soul
you feed a seductive love that is
all yours and all mine
so **** science baby
my dreams are forever

*(j.j)

A heaviness that had been building up for years,
A heaviness of pain and suffering and tears.
Once on my path I got lead astray,
And soon my demons were leading the way.
That’s when the clouds came over the sun,
That’s when the walk became a run.
Moments turned to memories turned to anchors in my soul,
How can something be broken if it had never even been whole.
Guilt and shame were planted inside,
And soon from death I had to hide.

Life became a game that I didn’t want to play,
There’s no winners only losers and I had no desire to stay.
Things were taken that I could never get back,
My sanity, once sane was beginning to lack.
I hated God, the world, but myself the most,
I was no longer a person, I had become a ghost.
A ghost not dead is sad to be said,
But I yearned Death’s kiss to cut his last thread.
Years passed hanging on like this—all day all night,
I grew too tired—too weak and gave up the fight.
I gave up on myself, and all that I loved,
And in my desperation I prayed to above.
An above that I wasn’t sure was even there—
An above that I wasn’t sure even cared.
Contemplation turned to temptation until I couldn’t still stand,
The decision I made was to take Death’s hand.
I was so close to peace with the near end in sight,
But somehow—somewhere—I saw a faint light.
So torn between overlooking or inspecting this peculiar hope,
A strong feeling gripped me and I untied the rope.

I sit alone in a church staring up at the cross,
I stare and stare and stare until I get lost.
Who is this man that they say is our savior?
Because for the past ten years all I’ve done is live in fear.
Why didn’t you save me—please what did I do?
What kind of God gives someone nothing to look forward to?
My throat tightens as every beautiful painful memory crosses my mind
So confused with anger and blame that wrap my heart in vines.

Then with a quiet whisper came down the dying dam
That had been holding back secrets to who I truly am.
And with those words I was liberated like never before,
With those words, for Him, I opened my door.

I sit all alone in a great hollow room,
Yet I’ve never felt more apart of anyone’s doom.
The hate for myself had flown away—
the guilt and the shame were cast away.
Acceptance a word too easily said
Finally found it’s true meaning instead.  
And now the words stained upon my heart with a beautiful view,
Have become the echoes to my pain with a whisper;
He has forgiven you.

The memories haunt my every thought.
The sound of Daddy’s footsteps creaking every night.
The sound of the doorknob turning slowly.
The sound of Daddy’s voice.
And I grew jealous that Daddy rather,
spend time with her than with me.
But something told me that
I dare not say anything.

I was 6 and you were 7.
You were my sister, my very best friend.
But with the noises and cries I heard late at night,
you were slipping away from me.
But I dare not say anything.

I grew to hate you as Daddy
loved you more than me.
He held your hand and kissed your head
but he never touched me.
But I dare not say anything.

As years went on I grew terrified
that Daddy would come to me.
Because I knew something was bad.
And I didn’t wish he would touch me anymore.
But I dare not say anything.

You were 11 and I was 10.
And one day it stopped.
I never heard Daddy in your room again.
I never heard anything ever again.
No goodbye’s or hello’s or any words at all.
Like silence could hold the secret that
they both knew was true.
But I dare not say anything.

You grew too thin, too pale, too weak.
You disappeared for days at a time  
with too many boys much too old.
You did too many drugs that no one knew.
But at night I could still hear you crying
alone in the same room.
But I dare not say anything.

But now I realize
why you did
what you did.  
I just didn’t understand.
but now I do.
And I am so so sorry.

                                                               ­                   But I dare not say anything.
  
(j.j)

That night together I could never forget,
How close I felt the second we met.
His hard chest and tanned skin,
The way he feels—where do I begin!
His hands slowly moving up my thighs,
Jesus boy you make me feel alive!
Dancing ghosts fill the room,
With the scent of Newport’s cheap perfume.
I stare into those seductive eyes,
As he ***** me hard with moans and cries.
Kisses with lips stained with hard liquor,
As our bodies start to move quicker and quicker.
When we’re done he pulls out a brand new pack,
As he traces the outlines of my bare back.
No other feeling could ever compare,
Than the one after *** smoking a square.
The minutes turn to hours and the hours turn to minutes,
But our words keep coming our dreams stay infinite.
From the stars to our secrets,
From our strengths to our weakness.
Tangled in sheets we dread rays of dawn,
When we finally get up and put clothes back on.
Reality and logic get caught in the smoke,
And to see you again I only can hope.
But after just one night I can tell by your eyes,
That love, somehow, had found our lives.
*(j.j)

Its empty there, lying on the ground,
my heart now heavy because I know I have to go.

A one-way ticket to a foolish man’s doom,
that I, a fool no less, came to know.

With it’s empty future I must fill with the past,
with every relic of our poor choices made too fast.

So I throw in every shirt, pant, and shoe I own,
I can’t live today without her,
turning into a thousand tomorrow’s unknown.

I stare at my suitcase and realize the true meaning of it all,
to pack up moments and memories leaving quiet empty halls.

The halls that housed all those who said they’d never leave,
But with lies they took spared joy like emaciated thieves

People pack their whole lives and seal it with a zipper,
Oh but she—my life—if I could only take her.

But she took her suitcase to a place in which she’ll never come back,
And she took my heart with her so I begin to pack.

So now I’m packing my suitcase for you my sweetheart,
so we can finally live in a place where we’ll never be apart.

*(j.j)

There’s something daunting about a moonless night,
      desolate promises in prisons of light.
But don’t worry I’ll keep your secrets hushed and safe,
      sealed on the hidden side of my face.
The sky leaves empty questions stealing shards from your youth,
      yet somehow it sets you free from the truth.
The reality you don’t want to bear in your sky,
      disappears into the darkness you’ve created inside.
You yearn for Moonlight’s beams to guide your absent way,
      But tonight it is still black compelling you to stay.
The shadows—your friends, are hiding somewhere,  
      Solitude’s silence caught in your prayers.
I know it’s lonely when you wonder where is the moon,
      But don’t worry my love, I’ll be there soon.

somewhere out there is the town of people who’ve left me,
the town turned to city turned to clouds in the sea.
like a race you are losing watching people pass you by,
like a storm you are sinking while other’s start to fly.
the hole inside grows like a puddle in cold rain,
with deep layers of secrets lined with hot pain.
an agony born from the very first breath,
unaware that it was the first kiss of death.
brick by brick you lay your walls,
intention for protection
but you slowly start to fall.
the snow on the outside melts into fire,
because your frozen fear can’t bury desires.
the desire to be irresistibly loved is true,
to have someone look at you like their whole world is you.
but every day, every night,
lost in blind sight,
you pray to dear god,
‘I’ll do what you say.’
just please oh please spare me this day,
come into my kingdom and block their way,
anything oh anything just for them to stay.

oh makeup can be such a wonderful disguise,
covering up blemishes and flaws on the outside,
but it’s power starts die,
when you look into their eyes,
and realize,
that they are trying so hard to hide,
from the blemishes and flaws on their inside,
the cover up is something everyone buys,
so they slowly unravel from their ties,
that held together all their lies,
when all we really want is just to fly,
to some faraway place way up high,
between the sunset and the sunrise,
but now at night you hear their cries,
as they very slowly starts to die,
and yet we still ask ourselves why?
                                                        *(j.j)

I used to chase the stars stained upon the sky,
that once bore a violent desire,
that melted away long ago.

Now I chase the scars marred upon my core,
But the race is over, the chase is no more,
I’ve caught it and the fight is won,
And I begin to float into a nothingness,
in which I slowly start to drown.

Now I may smother my undying thirst,
As I hold it in my palms and raise it to my lips,
A rush captures me,
It’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever tasted.
Death’s lips against mine.

You say we’ll make it—we’ll be happy forever,
You say anything’s possible and to never say never.
I ask if you’ll be able to handle it, the pain, the sorrow,
You answer ‘I’ll fight through it all because there’s always tomorrow.’
You’re surrounded by people that will always be there for you,
You both smile and breathe because you’re there for them too.
But now there’s this water, and you stare into it's reflection,
But what you find is far from perfection.
You can see your future before your eyes,
The pain, the tears, the fights, and the lies.
You see all those you love will be taken away,
And you’ll be left alone, and there to stay.
Suddenly your reason for living is dead,
You lay there for nights next to an empty bed.
The immense pain that starts to grow in your heart,
Is so much more than you would have ever thought.
I look back on the words you once told me,
You said ‘you could make it through anything, you just have to believe.’
But now you realize what you told yourself was lies,
You try to defend it but you know you can’t hide.
The amazing life you thought you once knew,
Doesn’t have the happy ending you thought was for you.
But you’ve looked into the future, and now you know,
You know what’s ahead—the highs turned to lows.
You look away from the water, at the life you have at this moment,
Not painful or sad—very far from it.
I ask you this time, ‘How will you live your life now, knowing what you do?’
I continue and say ‘will it be any different than if you never knew?’
(j.j)

My 11:11
My shooting star
My penny in a fountain
My fallen eyelash
My candle on a birthday cake
My dandelion blowing away with the wind
My one wish every time
     that I could have you
     as mine forever.

I sit here on this rock and weep
        For you, my love, for it’s been so long.
I would rather die with you, than live eternally
For you are the one that holds my heart.
With all the beauty and wealth binding me
You are richer than them all.
The very reason I’ve suffered for so long
The very reason I refuse to give up.
My heart aches for you everyday
The pain is so great I can bear it no longer.
Fate now, is my greatest enemy, but also my friend
        For it brought me to you.
Oh do not cry! Do not be sad!  
Stay still, my love, for I will return to you.
Oh you are the beauty that god’s do envy
My love, my soul, my all
I will not stop at any ocean, mountain, god, or death
Until I see my love again…
(inspired by the Odyssey)

Where heaven meets the earth, that’s where you’ll find me.
Where the sunset melts the waters, that’s where you’ll find me.
The endlessness of the horizon is where I hide.
For it is the endlessness that will never die.
Sunset to sunrise.
Always.
And that’s where I’ll be when I’m not here at all.
That’s where you’ll find me.

Really, people don't want to admit it exists
Always implicit and unspoken—too horrible for words
People —won’t acknowledge it unless it slaps them in the face
              —can't deny the fact that
E*veryone flinches at the very word itself

The world has taken
s o r r y
and
beat it
bat it
dragged it
kicked it
dropped it
crushed it
swallowed it whole
and spit it out into
a million pieces.
and yet we still try to pour meaning
into it’s empty maze
when in reality the meaning was lost
along a sad road
a long
long
time ago.
and stolen from our lips
a last chance to fix something
that might never be
whole again.

and suddenly a bullet of sadness hits you
as a hollow pit starts to grow inside
the moment you realize the realness of it all
a realness so real it almost seems fake
a realness so real it seems impossible
but yet we tell ourselves these lies
because it’s much easier than having
to bear the pain of the truth

what’s sad is that you don’t feel the pain,
because you don’t care what I took from you,  
go on living day by day.

but here I am screaming lost echoes,
searching for everything you took from me,
*slowly dying night by night.

You’re burning bridges you don’t even know exist.
Bridges holding you up from a past you’re trying to escape from.
But why now are your feet dangling over the edge?
Why are you looking back down?
I know it’s a mess of faces, and memories, and tears,  
of laughs, and fights, and cries, and fears.
But dipped in a poison they drown and drown.
And this time if you jump,
there’s no going back.

It’s the cliché that becomes cliché—the pain, the hurt, the ache that smothers your entire soul, to the point where it becomes a poison, flowing throughout every vein that you so helplessly depend on to survive. I think there’s a reason that God didn’t give us the right words to describe Love. Perhaps because it forces us to go out and discover it for ourselves, so somehow, one day, we can write our own books, with the tenuous words that we don’t even know exist. But there is a language out there, a language that all humans understand, between every longitude to every latitude that circles the globe. For at the core humans all share the same things; two eyes, two ears, a nose, a mouth, legs, arms, lungs, to the very microscopic cells that lay the foundation for our inimitable kind. But we also all share one particularly peculiar portentous thing:
A heart.                                                                  ­                                                                 ­                            
And for every beat it beats, between every pump of blood that keeps our bodies alive, are the words being spoken that we cannot, and will never understand.
                                                                                                                                                                       *(j.j)

what a simple word in a not so simple world
perhaps lying beneath are a deep flood of
passions, memories, words,
drowning and drowning and drowning in
questions that will never have answers.

a question of care
a return to an apology
a comfort to a cry
a surrender to a fight
a reassurance of a beautiful end…

but what people don’t know
is that behind every ‘okay’
are a thousand words
that are never,
and will never
be said…

I can dive into the ocean
I can fly into the sky
I can drown into sapphire silk as the day starts to die.
I awaken to a sweet Blue Jay’s call
It’s the color of the day until it hits the wall,
I close my eyes and slowly start to
f
      a
    l
l  .   .   .

Everyone makes mistakes right?
At least that’s what they say.
So God can make mistakes too right?
I mean they say He’s in all of us.
So He’s the most human it gets right?
Because I know He made a big one.
It stares back at me in the mirror
everyday.

*(j.j)

I’ve built my walls up high,
so no one can climb them.
I’ve hidden the keys,
so no one can get through.
I’ve closed the curtains,
So no one can see inside.
I protect myself from the past,
in fear of the future,
and for safety of the present.
Alone is safe.
Alone is comfortable.
But when alone becomes
lonely you think about your walls.
You think about maybe letting
them down for someone.
I really don’t need
anyone. I don’t need anyone and
I don’t want anyone. I like being alone.
I can be alone for the rest of my life.
I don’t mind…

When I look into a mirror, I don’t see what you do.
The face staring back at me isn’t the same one staring back at you.
He says that word ‘beauty’; I say the word ‘freak’.
You tell me I’m strong but really I’m weak.
You can’t see the dark tiredness buried in my eyes.
If only you knew, it’d take you by surprise.
That I don’t like the person staring back at me at all.
You say you don’t care; you’ll catch me if I fall.
I think in my head, ‘just let me tumble and I’ll finally be free.’
I’m not really a person anymore at least that’s what I see.
You say it’s not true, ‘you’re beautiful, you’re you.’
I tell you with a smile, I now see what you do.
But what you don’t know, is really I’m lying.
The girl in the mirror isn’t alive, she’s dying.

You gave me so much but you took away more,
You took parts of my soul and a life I adored.

You gave me so many reasons that killed me inside,
You gave me numbness, and pain, and every reason to hide.

You gave me a burden to bear that I didn’t deserve,
And yet today it is still you that I shamefully serve.

I know its something that I shouldn’t still carry,
But I don’t want to dig up what I have buried.

Much time has passed and I know it’s time to let go,
I’m giving back to you what I should’ve never known.

So I have a gift for you, the same one you gave to me,
The gift that made me blind but now I finally see.

Now it’s your burden to bear, which is how it’s supposed to be,
Now I’ve taken away your power, and finally I can be free.

your eyes held the world
the best and worst parts of heaven and hell
tiny fragments of the universe
stolen stars from the sky
robbed earth of it’s oceans
filling them with passion and pain and secrets
and when I held your stare for the first time
two extraordinarily beautiful eyes
dipped in liquid gold consumed my own
and I knew then, in that moment,
that they were two bullet holes
that had left a small glimpse of a secret world
that had so helplessly captured mine

I don’t know why I cry.
when everything feels so empty.
Where do they come from
falling down your cheeks?
Inside, everything’s heavy and tangled up in vines,
yearning for rain,
but the clouds have run dry.
Why do I cry?

Day.
Exposed life.
Sun burnt fear.
A race with shadows.
Sapphire turns scarlet. Now I
Can hide in the
Dark black skies
Of the
Night.

I trace the outline of your body
like mountains against the sky.
I kiss your soft lips
like the ocean does the shore.
I hold you so closely
like the sky holds the stars.
I love you so dearly
As the forever endless sky.  
And I see you so beautifully
through the broken rays of
sunlight that God casts
through morning windows
...can’t you see, my love,
you are my heaven on earth.

I want gentle hands that move soft and slow,
I want those hands to take what I know.

I want those hands to keep me safe from the world,
I want those hands to hold me like a little girl.

The little girl that I never got to be,
The little girl that was taken away from me.

I want those hands to touch me and not the other way around,
I want those hands to help me up, not drop me to the ground.

I want hands to show me that I don’t have to be scared,
I want hands to touch me like they really care.

I want those hands to teach me how to love,
I want those hands to hold me up way above.

I want your hand wrapped around mine,
I want you to hold it until the end of time.

But now you realize,
that it’s above the surface,
up high on a bridge,
in a barren blue sky,
that you can’t breathe.

Perhaps if God turned the world upside down,
people might finally see how my drowning is the sky
and how my living is the sea.
Perhaps if God put air in the water.
and water in the sky,
people might finally understand
why striking a match is not to die
but to burn the realness that
terrifies me the most.
How can you be meant for a world,
where you can live where others would die,
and would die where others can live.

My love give me your wall and let me build a door,
You smile and kiss me, but my love I want more.

Please don’t be afraid my love we can take it slow,
My love give me your heart and I will never let go.

I know your afraid my love but just take my hand,
I know it’s scary my love, but let me show you this land.

My love, give me your heart and I’ll give you mine,
And I promise I will love you until the end of time.

i don’t have anything,
and he was something.
maybe’s that’s why i
was so scared.
to lose that.
but despite it all
i lost him anyways.

(j.j)

the day hurts the same every year.
the morning the afternoon the evening.
knowing that now you would be two.
walking and talking and laughing.
'loss' can mean so many different things,
on so many different levels.
but the loss that lives inside you—it's very heartbeat,
takes away your own.
he said he wouldn't love you.
but i do baby. i do.
he said he didn't want you.
and i was scared baby. i was terrified.
i promise everything happens for a reason,
and for some reason god needed you sooner.
he took you away before you got to see
the light of the world.
but maybe he knew that you wouldn’t want to see it
from down here.
the thing about loss though,
is that now i have something to look forward to again;
to the beautiful day that i get to be with you.
*(j.j)

My past drained my future.
Too empty out there.
Too hollow lacking purpose.
Too far to think.
But too quickly approaching.
But there is one thing that gets me by.
Just knowing that right now.
In this moment.
With this present breath.
I am okay.
I am safe.
And I want now to be forever.
(j.j)

i don't think that it's not that i don't care anymore
i just think that nothing can hurt me anymore
*(j.j)