A heaviness that had been building up for years,
A heaviness of pain and suffering and tears.
Once on my path I got lead astray,
And soon my demons were leading the way.
That’s when the clouds came over the sun,
That’s when the walk became a run.
Moments turned to memories turned to anchors in my soul,
How can something be broken if it had never even been whole.
Guilt and shame were planted inside,
And soon from death I had to hide.

Life became a game that I didn’t want to play,
There’s no winners only losers and I had no desire to stay.
Things were taken that I could never get back,
My sanity, once sane was beginning to lack.
I hated God, the world, but myself the most,
I was no longer a person, I had become a ghost.
A ghost not dead is sad to be said,
But I yearned Death’s kiss to cut his last thread.
Years passed hanging on like this—all day all night,
I grew too tired—too weak and gave up the fight.
I gave up on myself, and all that I loved,
And in my desperation I prayed to above.
An above that I wasn’t sure was even there—
An above that I wasn’t sure even cared.
Contemplation turned to temptation until I couldn’t still stand,
The decision I made was to take Death’s hand.
I was so close to peace with the near end in sight,
But somehow—somewhere—I saw a faint light.
So torn between overlooking or inspecting this peculiar hope,
A strong feeling gripped me and I untied the rope.

I sit alone in a church staring up at the cross,
I stare and stare and stare until I get lost.
Who is this man that they say is our savior?
Because for the past ten years all I’ve done is live in fear.
Why didn’t you save me—please what did I do?
What kind of God gives someone nothing to look forward to?
My throat tightens as every beautiful painful memory crosses my mind
So confused with anger and blame that wrap my heart in vines.

Then with a quiet whisper came down the dying dam
That had been holding back secrets to who I truly am.
And with those words I was liberated like never before,
With those words, for Him, I opened my door.

I sit all alone in a great hollow room,
Yet I’ve never felt more apart of anyone’s doom.
The hate for myself had flown away—
the guilt and the shame were cast away.
Acceptance a word too easily said
Finally found it’s true meaning instead.  
And now the words stained upon my heart with a beautiful view,
Have become the echoes to my pain with a whisper;
He has forgiven you.

You gave me so much but you took away more,
You took parts of my soul and a life I adored.

You gave me so many reasons that killed me inside,
You gave me numbness, and pain, and every reason to hide.

You gave me a burden to bear that I didn’t deserve,
And yet today it is still you that I shamefully serve.

I know its something that I shouldn’t still carry,
But I don’t want to dig up what I have buried.

Much time has passed and I know it’s time to let go,
I’m giving back to you what I should’ve never known.

So I have a gift for you, the same one you gave to me,
The gift that made me blind but now I finally see.

Now it’s your burden to bear, which is how it’s supposed to be,
Now I’ve taken away your power, and finally I can be free.

When I look into a mirror, I don’t see what you do.
The face staring back at me isn’t the same one staring back at you.
He says that word ‘beauty’; I say the word ‘freak’.
You tell me I’m strong but really I’m weak.
You can’t see the dark tiredness buried in my eyes.
If only you knew, it’d take you by surprise.
That I don’t like the person staring back at me at all.
You say you don’t care; you’ll catch me if I fall.
I think in my head, ‘just let me tumble and I’ll finally be free.’
I’m not really a person anymore at least that’s what I see.
You say it’s not true, ‘you’re beautiful, you’re you.’
I tell you with a smile, I now see what you do.
But what you don’t know, is really I’m lying.
The girl in the mirror isn’t alive, she’s dying.

I don’t know why I cry.
when everything feels so empty.
Where do they come from
falling down your cheeks?
Inside, everything’s heavy and tangled up in vines,
yearning for rain,
but the clouds have run dry.
Why do I cry?

I can dive into the ocean
I can fly into the sky
I can drown into sapphire silk as the day starts to die.
I awaken to a sweet Blue Jay’s call
It’s the color of the day until it hits the wall,
I close my eyes and slowly start to
f
      a
    l
l  .   .   .

I want gentle hands that move soft and slow,
I want those hands to take what I know.

I want those hands to keep me safe from the world,
I want those hands to hold me like a little girl.

The little girl that I never got to be,
The little girl that was taken away from me.

I want those hands to touch me and not the other way around,
I want those hands to help me up, not drop me to the ground.

I want hands to show me that I don’t have to be scared,
I want hands to touch me like they really care.

I want those hands to teach me how to love,
I want those hands to hold me up way above.

I want your hand wrapped around mine,
I want you to hold it until the end of time.