I think I forgot how to think
School makes me thoughtless
lifeless
tongueless
numb and faceless
legs tingling
do you think you can stand up?

I think I'm only made up of thoughts, is that possible?

I wish I'd done everything different.
I regret so much
If I had made better choices
my health wouldn't be as bad
can't they make a drug to make me human again
make me walk
fill my lungs
fill me with blood
deep, red and thick
energy like a kid
happiness like its my first day

no hesitation
legs tingling
I don't think I can stand up

What if I plunge into the sea so nothing can bother me?
soft floating
candy covered sun
wouldn't it be sweet
to move in slow motion
through time and sand
through ocean and blue

my soul is the same, but my personality is different

where did everything change me?
they kidnapped my body
put a virus in
and now throaty sounds
sweet smiles is all I make

wheres the sea?

Not everything is in past tense yet.

Viewers have come and gone but the church is almost full and we sit tight.

I know moms mind runs with memories

she tells us in the car.

too tall for life.

too big to lose.

the preacher said

45 to 2.

and the car crash

spinning glass

Johnny flew out the window

Steve couldn’t speak for weeks

The other boy didn’t die in that car crash

Another one

on the road out of port deposit

his leather belt was all they found

a stern warning to us all. Don’t drive too fast. This life will stop you short. too short.

I think they all would have survived, happy together

if there was no car crash.

no noon call

no bloodied limbs

torn flesh and empty bodies.

No “this is the biggest funeral we’ve ever seen” and state police escort to the cemetery.

No stuffing foods down moms throat and too many strangers in her home.

They would have all survived.

in spite of pop pop

nanny

together but separate.

Mom remembers when he came into her room

livid

she got close to the 4 pained window

if he reached out and stung her sweating skin she was gonna bust out that glass and touch the sky.

But instead I haven’t seen my cousins in 20 years

my whole life

and today, despite the tears and tongue crunching agony, there’s stories of the happy through the tears times.

So the preacher finishes with stories of her

too much love to live

too much faith to finish

Nanny

always Nanny

But until we meet.

We’ll make you proud.

you and mom

dust to dust

ashes to ashes

I hold the faces of the past in my blood

You keep me pumping

you keep me pushing

despite tears and tongue crushing agony

despite too broad grins and sunshine in summer joy

Blue

deep

and

light

Blue

I

sink

into

you

Blue

beauty

late

under

everything

Blue

I could swim for an eternity

as the sky changed from light to dark, a thousand times over.

The sun warming just the surface as I climb around down here.

The clouds cushion the foam but I rest on sand.

Each nuggett burrowing into my flesh

needling my bones

I can’t find my way up, now that I have to leave.

The blue wants me down here now too.

lethargic

calm

fried by the sun

cushioned by the clouds

I melt

into the blue

hazy mind fog

a delicious grin

and now I finally know what

"high off you" means

I couldn’t put together a sentence if I tried

and

when your tongue plunged into me and I sighed

I lost all feeling in my toes

pins and needles

pain and joy

and I’m rolling up and down like a water bed

You settle into me and I

settle into you

I build houses wherever I can. I collect them like rain in my hand. I build them down in the valleys and up in the hills. On the beach and in the street. But only for the thrill.
I love building houses, I simply can’t have a favorite. But what I hate the most is when I get a house built, this boy comes along and tears them down. I scream and yell for him to stop. It’s my house you’re destroying! I tell him how beautiful the house is and how I could never build another. But he just leaves a pile of rubble.
So I’ve started tearing down my own houses, when they’re almost finished. Right before they’re complete. This time it’s me who removes the mortar and bashes in the bricks. No more boy tearing into my castles.
I will be the one who destroys them, I will be the one who builds the next. You will never be close to my castles boy, you will never consume my bricks.

I hope you think of us as much as I think of you. I hope we’re the first image when you wake up and when you shut your eyes. Peace be ******, I hope you hear my voice. I hope your body is sore from wanting to hug me. Your bones break at no affection. I hope your tormented as much as I am.
You will never define me, despite everything. I know I’m better off without you. But you still swing high in the noose of my mind. I lynched you a million times but saved you before you could hit the floor and I could hear the snap of your neck and see the crack of that rope.
I hate that you’re the only one on this earth I get. I wonder, if I had another, how would it go? Daddy, I can’t stand to say that “I love you.”

Tears running down like they have feet. Tongue out caught them like snowflakes that just won’t dissolve.
My throat is rough like I spent last night busy.
Those words suspended in the cavern of my mouth. Echoing but hardly making it out. Pull on those words till that choke comes through my chest. Pipe cleaner in my throat, swallow it and swirl it around.
The clog comes out.
The porcelain cracks into a smile and I told you I just wanted you to be happy, even if that wasn’t with me.
What horse ****.

I’ve yet to catch my breath since I got here, and I got to you, wrapped up under and between you.

You were warmer than me, and kept me out of the night air. There, that first night with you, that first arm wrapped around me. Buried me in close and I didn’t want to go.

Where are those diamond rings you all promised me? By this time I should have mountains, and rivers overflowing.
Where are those stars you all promised to bring down for me? Those moons you all promised to make me mine.
I suppose you forgot the same way I did your name, your face, your figure. I lie still now, no more tangled in sheets, no more tangled in you. Just matted in strips. Just tangled in me. Only ever me.

Did fog cover that sky?
Did snow cover that road?
Did rain drown your lungs?
Can’t you swim?
You couldn’t wrestle that shooting star down, even for me?
Why that’s a real shame…

We don’t want the good guy. I mean we do, we like the idea of him, but not actually him. We want the one who is going to rip our heart out and eat it in front of us.
We want to cry and hate ourselves. Hate our bodies for wanting him, our hearts for going back and our minds for rationalizing it all. We want him because at some point we were taught it was okay; either by our father, brother, uncle, the media, by peers or him.
We were called prudes, old maids and told to lower our standards and give in.
Who were we to think we’d find a man to treat us like that, like a queen? After all he was our king...And so we go along passing up the boring boys for the exciting men. We trade in the picket fence and 2 kids for sleepless nights wondering what it was that we did wrong. Why can’t he love us, the way we love him? But I’m a sucker for punishment and on to the next one.

They tell me I’m great, they tell I’m sweet.
They say let’s get married we’ll have four kids and a nice house and picket fence.
But I know something they don’t, you see it won’t be long till it’s just me again.
They tell me I’m pure, they tell me I’m perfect they say I’ve got more than the other girls do.
They say I’ve got moves and know how to dress. I’ve got class above all the rest.
They respect me.
Then before too long it’s like the old song, I’d rather go blind than to see you walk away, and we’ve never met and, I’m just someone that you used to know.
I wish I could do that, one day be in love and the next be all done. It must take skill, it must take will, it must take practice.
I must be practice.

And I’m sorry because this is how I speak to you. My words may not come out as smooth as they supposed to do. Lauryn hill said it well, “pain suppressed leads to cardiac arrest. Diamonds deserve diamonds but he convinced me I was worth less.” So that’s how I learned to write in rhyme and speak softly. I’m sorry if this isn’t what you’re used to but, I promise if you promise, to work on each others language, so maybe by the time I’m done this poem we’ll be as fluent as natives.